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Original poster

I'm hoping this is in the right place - ds and contact with h - - - - URGENT

158 replies

dizzymare · 21/08/2009 22:19

Recent history - seperated from my H after a long history of problems, then me discovering he was shagging someone else was the last straw. He left, I've stayed in the house with ds. Joint named morgage, which he is still paying at the moment, what will happen in the future I don't know.

Anyway, H has been totally shit at seeing ds for quite a few weeks, crap excuses, or not turning up with not even a text Ds is only 20 months, so isn't totally aware if daddy doesn't turn up yet, plus I've stopped mentioning him coming incase he doesn't come.

H has said he wants to take ds away for a weeks holiday, won't say where or who with. Except I know who it'll be with, I'm far from stupid . I've got ds passport and documents here, so at least I know he can't take him abroad.

Ok, now for the immediate problem. Tomorrow, he's due to pick up ds for contact day, as arranged between ourselves. What I need to know is can he take ds away without my permission? And if he is intent on being a bastard and takes him without my permission or even knowing, where do I stand legally? I've got an appointment with a solicitor but not until friday, which isn't much use tbh.

If anyone can help, or give me some info that would be really helpful.

OP posts:
curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 20:56

Agree. It is him not you. He is angry because he is losing control over you and because everything is his fault. He's behaving like an angry child. The fact that everything is his fault is making him more angry with you, just like when a small child misbehaves and then is cross at getting told off. That's what happens with people who are not very good at taking responsibility. He can learn.

The meeting with the solicitor sounds like a good starting point. Is he still texting you?

I am aware I have given you a lot of advice is all. And that I have been rather forceful in some of my suggestions. I don't want to make things worse for you and am very willing to carry on offering you any support you feel I can.

xx

Deemented · 28/09/2009 20:57

I know love, i know.

I wish there was a way i could make this easier for you (DP has offered to come up and have 'a word' with him if you like )but all i can do is be a sounding board for you.

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 20:59

It is sad dizzy but it's not anything to do with anything you have done. You've got one beautiful child already and will soon have 3. Keep going. Things will be easier if you can keep a bit more separate from him. You are doing really really well.

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 21:00

Your babies have you as a mother, that puts them one step ahead of a lot of people's children.

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 21:06

Could you cope with giving DS a little picture of XH and talking to him once in a while about that's his daddy, thinking about what daddy is doing - eating his tea, e.t.c. How his daddy loves him and you love him but that you have to go and see some people about sorting out when they can see each other? I used to do that. It was horribly painful but I think it helped me to not hate XP and DS to remember who he was.

Original poster
dizzymare · 28/09/2009 21:20

I can't cope with looking at his picture right now I don't feel well tbh I feel odd but I can't explain really. Thank you for helping x

OP posts:
Deemented · 28/09/2009 21:22

You ok love? When you say odd... is it the babies, or just you in yourself?

Original poster
dizzymare · 28/09/2009 21:25

No, me. They'll be fine I'll be ok

OP posts:
curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 21:27

I couldn't at this stage either, maybe it was quite a bit later on that I did that.

You're probably just completely cried out and totally stressed are you? Is it a bit panic attacky?

Could you have a nice bath and some cocoa and try to get some sleep?

Deemented · 28/09/2009 21:37

You know where i am if you need me, mind. Just holler, k?

Original poster
dizzymare · 28/09/2009 21:38

I'm going to shave\my head

OP posts:
Deemented · 28/09/2009 21:48

Ooohh... sounds like a plan!!! I did that once when i was 20 or so... the whole Sinead O'Connor look - stayed like that for years. My mother dispared, she really did - i can hear her saying now 'Dee, i don't mind the piercings love, and the tattoo's i really quite like... but for the love of Christ, will you grow your bloody hair??'

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 21:51

My mum would KILL me if I did that, even now!

Are you OK?

Original poster
dizzymare · 28/09/2009 21:57

No I don't think I am actually

OP posts:
Deemented · 28/09/2009 21:58

What do you need, Dizzy? What can we do?

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 21:58

What can you do to make it better? A small thing? Put some music on? The TV to distract you? Read a book? Cuddle DS?

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 22:01

Open a window and breathe some fresh air? Go in the garden? Call your mum? Call a helpline, Samaritans maybe?

Sorry if that's stupid.x

Original poster
dizzymare · 28/09/2009 22:06

I don't know I've been on autopilot surfing along with it all day but I really don't feel right, you kno wwhen everythings running too fast it's like that I can't explain. Everthings running tooo fast

OP posts:
almondfinger · 28/09/2009 22:08

Ahh shit Dizzy. Was thinking of you today and thinking I must keep my eye out for you. I offered to send you clothes last week from my 2 dd's for the twins and was thinking I needed to get your address to put a box together and post it off to you whenever you want me to.

I didnt think I'd stumble across you having such a horrible time. Can you call someone to come and sit with you or do you already have someone there.

I know it seems like an impossibility to you but you really need to concentrate on trying to focus on yourself and the twins and being as well as you can be.

Could you get some sleep if you had a nice cup of hot milk and honey and snuggled down with ds?

I'm in South London if that is of any use to you.

pithyslicker · 28/09/2009 22:10

Bit of a lurker, but try this site:

www.nomorepanic.co.uk

They have good advice for calming down.

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 22:13

yes, sounds like the beginning of a panic attack.

almondfinger · 28/09/2009 22:14

Of course you dont feel right, your life is upside down. It's one thing your husband running off, it's another when you have twins on board and then the bottom finally drops out of your world when turns into what happened to you at the weekend.

I have no experience of what you are going through so can only offer advice from a calming tips perspective.

Do you have any chamomile tea in the house? If so make yourself a cup.

Deep breathing, try to do a deep inhale for 5-10 seconds (whatever you can manage) and while inhaling imagine something nice, the sun, flowers, calmness etc. Exhale for the same period and just imagine expelling all the crap that is going on while doing so. Focus on the rise and fall of your chest. Do this for 15-20 breaths. It may help, if nothing else to calm you down a bit.

rachyh85 · 28/09/2009 22:16

just read your whole plight dizzy. i cant offer any advice, but wanted you to know that by just reading this, i can tell there are sooooo many people thinking of you (including me). i know that horrible sick feeling that you talk about, when you think what the heck is going on, how did this happen etc, but trust me - this has nothing to do with you! the man obviously has a screw loose, and if he thinks he's in a fit state to take your ds for a day or night when he's been banging the door down etc, then he isnt right in the head. men like this need to get over themselves, they have spent too long getting what they want, always having their own way and when someone else calls the shots (beacuse its right!), they dont like it.(stupid spoilt men's ego) So... chill out, forget about him, get yourself some lavender oil tomorrow to put on your pillow it will help u relax and sleep well. i think you maybe need to stop talkin about him on here,for now anyway, as it will keep you in mind of him. swap over to a fashion blog or something - something to take your mind away so that you can sleep tonight and let those twins grow inside a happy mummy's tummy
so many people are thinking of you.
keep your chin up, sounds like your doing a fabby job, just keep strong and doing what you know is best for your ds and those twin beans.
Rach xxx

Original poster
dizzymare · 28/09/2009 22:18

I am I'm panicking shit it thanks I'll be ok thank you I 'm just not feeling myself right now

OP posts:
curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 22:24

Focus on your breathing, try and make the room dark and cuddle your DS or a pillow in bed maybe. You probably haven't slept for a long time either have you? That'll be making it worse. Just let it wash over you and breathe. Maybe try thinking about nothing but the breathing and letting the panic wash away.