I'm hoping this is in the right place - ds and contact with h - - - - URGENT

[dizzymare]

Recent history - seperated from my H after a long history of problems, then me discovering he was shagging someone else was the last straw. He left, I've stayed in the house with ds. Joint named morgage, which he is still paying at the moment, what will happen in the future I don't know.

Anyway, H has been totally shit at seeing ds for quite a few weeks, crap excuses, or not turning up with not even a text Ds is only 20 months, so isn't totally aware if daddy doesn't turn up yet, plus I've stopped mentioning him coming incase he doesn't come.

H has said he wants to take ds away for a weeks holiday, won't say where or who with. Except I know who it'll be with, I'm far from stupid . I've got ds passport and documents here, so at least I know he can't take him abroad.

Ok, now for the immediate problem. Tomorrow, he's due to pick up ds for contact day, as arranged between ourselves. What I need to know is can he take ds away without my permission? And if he is intent on being a bastard and takes him without my permission or even knowing, where do I stand legally? I've got an appointment with a solicitor but not until friday, which isn't much use tbh.

If anyone can help, or give me some info that would be really helpful.

Bloody hell this is all a bit much tbh

meant to say in my earlier post, keep a diary. Make a note of every time he lets DS (and you) down and doesn't turn up when he was supposed to. Then, if he gets arsy about not having the contact he wants (ie a weeks unsupervised etc) you have supporting documentation to back up your argument/reinforce your concerns regarding his reliability.

I know it must be really hard for you and very stressful but you are doing so well for your son x

Start divorce proceedings so the access will be sorted out?

Dizzy - did your little boy come home safely and are you OK. I didn't know you were expecting twins..........is your ex H the father. My god you have so much on your plate.

In today's Guardian there is a book advertised that I'm sure will be helpful for you. It is called "Child Contact Handbook" £8. To order from the Guardian Newspaper call 020 7251 6575/6. You might be able to get it on Amazon or Play.com (better than Amazon because they don't charge postage). Other useful websites are rightsofwomen,org.uk; childrenslegalcentre.com; oneparentfamilies.org.uk and gingerbread.org.uk

I do sympathise with you over feeling sick about your son being with his dad and new GF. I honestly think that is one of the hardest things for a mother to bear. Do you mean to say that this H left you with a 20 month old and whilst pregnant with twins?! Do you have any friends/family to support you.

Agree with others that not sure what a solicitor can do at this stage but would not hurt to consult one but I wouldn't worry about trying to bring your appt forward. I think you need some advice about how to hande this business of a weeks holiday. As someone else said it would be preferable for your H to see your son "little and often" as this is best for a child of this age. Your H doesn't seem to be thinking of the child here but of himself.

If he is the father of the twins and from what you say it seems that he is, how on earth does he propose to maintain contact. he can't go waltzing off with newborn twins for god's sake. Definitely need to try to get him to mediation as this needs sorting.

Do hope you're OK and sending you support.

FBG, I couldn't cope with divorce preceedings right now, I can just about cope with this.

NanaNina, yes he came home, and yes babies are H's.

It's all too much and today's not exactly good, thanks for the support.

Couldn't you get a solicitor to start things up or at least get access sorted?

You ARE stronger than you think.

I don't know if I'm ready to really let go yet tbh FBG. It's a weird feeling.

Oh dizzy - I'm not surprised that it's all too much for you - you need to just take one day at a time and try not to overload yourself with worries about divorce - there is plenty of time for that in the future. Maybe the contact issues will sort themselves out - do you have any support in RL. I do hope so as you need it - your emotional energy must be at an all time low.

I simply cannot imagine what manner of man could cheat on you with such a young child and pregnant with twins. It may not seem like it now, but I can only think that you are better off without him. And what kind o woman is prepared to get involved with a man who has treated his wife in this way is beyond me. There are truly are some callous people out there.

All you can do at the moment I guess is "keep on keeping on" and focus on being kind to yourself, getting as much rest as possible and looking after your little boy
and the new babies when they arrive.

ONE day you will be able to look back on all this and know that you had the strength to get through...........but I know there's a long way to go yet.

Sincere good wishes and wishing there was more I could do to help.

I've got a very supportive family, and network of friends NanaNina, and without them I couldn't manage any of this. H didn't know I was pregnant when he left, not that it would have made any difference, he prefers his tart.

Dizzy - SO glad that you have such good support and you are SO right you need them all now like never before.

Hoping you find the emotional strength to carry you through the next months and the self control to resist kicking your ex in the shins on his next visit!

Thanks NanaNina, it helps being able to come here and vent too.

MN rocks

It sure does FBG, and if I play my cards right H might see this all in the DM

How recent is the split? Very difficult , I think, in the very early days to be calm and cope with routines when everything is raw...you haven't mentioned any welfare issue or concern about his ability to care for the child - is it just about your feelings and needs? (Not wanting to upset you, it's just everyone is all over the place after a split)

Is he maybe avoiding discussing the holiday with you because you will go mental if it is with g/f? Would you object so much if he wasn't taking the g/f and in all honesty does that make a difference to a 20 month old?

Child is very young but it is really important for children to maintain the bond with a Dad after split - could be a good way for them to bond and go forward? If you prevent it (not sure of legalities) does that make it more or less likely that a meaningful relationship will continue in the future?

Tough, tough place to be.

We split up nearly exactly 15 weeks ago, and I'm due to see a solicitor tomorrow to find out exactly where I stand ref his lack of regular visits with ds, and going on what people have said here I want to find out about some mediation. Neither of us want this dragged through courts, he is very young and I want the best for him. What I am objecting to is ds spending time with a women I don't know, especially when H should be focusing all his attention on ds during his access. If he carries on mucking us around, maybe a contact centre will be the way forward?

He's more than capable of looking after ds, I've got no qualms about that at all, and I've only stopped him seeing him once, and that wasn't even me it was my dad actually because I was in hospital and things were very difficult at the time.

So H has received the letter my solicitor was sending him re a seperation agreement and mediation. I just picked up a very heavy email from him, basically saying if this is how I want to play things now, then he'll be instructing his own solicitor to take matters further as I'm clearly not fit enough to look after ds SHIT.

bump

Dizzy - As someone said previously I don't think you've got much choice about who exH chooses to spend time with when he has your DS. What H does with DS when he has access is up to H. How would you feel if you found someone else and exH said you weren't allowed to spend time with them and DS?

Re solicitors - well he's perfectly entitled to instruct his own solicitor - not sure how he's jumped to the conclusion re you being not fit to look after DS - so I'd just ignore that if I was you

Do you think he really feels that way? or is he just saying it to make you feel bad? or is it to scare you?

Either way, don't reply to the email. Wait for his solicitor to reply to your solicitor.

He is slowly finding ways of grinding me down, it's working as well. My parents are helping me look after ds at the moment because I'm on bedrest for bleeding, so in his eyes I suppose he's right, but none of this is within my control. It's not as if, I am wanting to not care for ds, I need help right now is all.

I'm not going to reply, if I do I'll make things a whole lot worse

bumping for Dizzy

bedtime bump

Just been reading this hope your ok today Dizzy xx

Can anyone with some legal knowledge please please advise me

Ds is due for contact with H tomorrow, only I've had a text from him saying he wants ds to stay over night. I really really don't want to have to say yes, but where legally do I stand? It's way too late to contact my solicitor, and I reckon he's done this on purpose so I can't get any proper legal advice. A few weeks ago he took ds to buy a bed, but tbh I've had so much going on it went to the back of my mind. I haven't replied yet, but I know if I don't he'll hound me until he gets an answer.

As you can imagine I'm in a bit of a state, and trying to stay calm and rational is really hard. Especially as I'm not feeling 100% either.

If anyone has some advice or knows my legal standing please please reply, however small.