I'm hoping this is in the right place - ds and contact with h - - - - URGENT

[dizzymare]

Recent history - seperated from my H after a long history of problems, then me discovering he was shagging someone else was the last straw. He left, I've stayed in the house with ds. Joint named morgage, which he is still paying at the moment, what will happen in the future I don't know.

Anyway, H has been totally shit at seeing ds for quite a few weeks, crap excuses, or not turning up with not even a text Ds is only 20 months, so isn't totally aware if daddy doesn't turn up yet, plus I've stopped mentioning him coming incase he doesn't come.

H has said he wants to take ds away for a weeks holiday, won't say where or who with. Except I know who it'll be with, I'm far from stupid . I've got ds passport and documents here, so at least I know he can't take him abroad.

Ok, now for the immediate problem. Tomorrow, he's due to pick up ds for contact day, as arranged between ourselves. What I need to know is can he take ds away without my permission? And if he is intent on being a bastard and takes him without my permission or even knowing, where do I stand legally? I've got an appointment with a solicitor but not until friday, which isn't much use tbh.

If anyone can help, or give me some info that would be really helpful.

You can take as much time as you want to write the message dizzy. Better to take a while and do it properly. No rush no matter how much he pests you.

You need to be calm more than you need to text back. Is he pestering you?

Dizzy - could you ring him and explain why you don't want him to have ds overnight? Is there a chance he'd understand?

Think you're a bit too upset to call aren't you dizzy? You don't really want him to know he's upsetting you so much if you can help it.

Agree, tell him it's too short notice on this occasion but will see solicitor with a view to sorting out sensible access arrangements at the start of next week. Would suggest ds does part of a day with h to begin with. When the handover occurs can I suggest that you have your parents with you, so they can say "See you for tea later, have fun" or something so it's clear to absolutely everyone (ie witnesses) what the arrangements are and hopefully it keeps everything civilised.

Am giving support to a male friend who is going through a tricky separation with a view to divorce, and he and his wife have seen a child counsellor who advised that the youngest dc who is not quite 2, should not have overnights yet as it would be too confusing but the elder dc, who is 5, sees her Dad Sat and stays over Sat night and returns Sunday. He also takes them both to school every morning.

The kind of thing I have said before to XP in similar circumstances is:

"I understand that it is very difficult for you to be separated from DS. He is your son and you love each other. I understand this and want you to have a good relationship because I love him too. Things between us are still raw and I don't think we are able to make plans for contact between ourselves without help that will have the best interests of DS at heart. I think it is best that we stop contact until it can be arranged properly through our solicitors. This is because I don't want to make DS seeing you into a negative event for any of us, but especially for him. I will contact my solicitor first thing on Monday morning to get things moving so that you don't have to wait too long. In the meantime please don't contact me directly, I feel it will be better for all of us to remove the emotions from the situation and initially speak only through solicitors."

I'm way beyond upset npw, my parents are coming over. Cuiosty thank you d much, I'm really not feeling ver y good at the moment

mrsjammi - if dizzy is feeling bullied though mediation might not be appropriate until she feels more confident. A solicitor can help facilitate a contact arrangement and can be a way for dizzy to communicate with XH without having to speak to him directly.

You need to do what you can to calm yourself, that's the priority. DH can't come and take DS without you agreeing. Refuse this weekend's contact and use the weekend to get yourself geared to call the solicitor. Is the solicitor good? xxxx

yes very good

then trust the solicitor to help you work it out. My one was very good. You need to get yourself confident. It doesn't seem to me that you are wanting DS not to see his dad, just that you are feeling fragile and bullied by the way XH is choosing to behave.

It is very common for men to choose this way of behaving in the beginning, especially if it is them that caused the break up, which is even harder for you. Try not to let it permanently colour your view of XH. He has to adjust to the need to ask your permission to see his son, this is probably what is making him angry. He needs to realise that he can't take it out on you.

Just wanted to offer a different viewpoint: I think involving mediators and solicitors can be beneficial actually. Dizzy naturally finds it hard to be impartial about dh (and the OW) especially when all her instincts are telling her to keep ds close; whilst h wants to see son and is not above stamping his feet and be a bit bullying. Formalising access during mediation and backed by documentation can be very reassuring and unequivocal for both parties. Her h might well be getting a bit shirty since he's given orders and Dizzy's not jumped and in fact has responded robustly. Having been erratic previously about seeing ds and now suddenly wanting him to stay over is not putting ds first and ds' needs must be at the forefront.

yes, I agree - court systems, mediation and solicitors can be a good way of removing emotions from these decisions and protecting families. It certainly worked like that for me, ds, dd and xp despite my initial fear at the words 'family court'.

H has been text. I said basically what curiosity wrote, and I've refused access until I can contact my solicitor.

He's hit the roofI've got support in the morning in case he turns up.

Sorry I disappeared, but I was losing control.

Dizzy you've done the right thing. Last weekend DS screamed when H came to get him - that is not good. Make sure that you keep his texts to show to your solicitor, it's totally unreasonable for him to try and spring stuff on you like that, and more importantly to spring things on DS.

Remember that H is the one who has started behaving like a twat here with regard to access - none of this is your fault and no court will say any different.

Thanks Ali. I don't want ds to be upset, and most of all I don't want ds to see me upset. He has enough of that here already without adding this extra stress to it as well. The twat deliberately left it until he knew I couldn't get on to my solicitor, I'm pretty sure of that

I'll be awake all night now, he's really got to me again

. You are an amazing Mum, to DS and to your girls already. He is a twat and a crap father for what he is doing. I know there will be people come on here and say that he can still be a good father even if he is being an arse to you but I don't believe that is true. DS is too little to understand, and if you are upset then he will be upset too. If your H was in any way a decent bloke then he would know that and be behaving differently. You can hold your chin up knowing you've done nothing wrong.

I really hope you can get some sleep tonight.

No chance of sleep I'm far too wound up and apprehensive about what may or may not happen in the morning.

Ali thanks for your kind words x

Dizzy how are you doing this morning?

hi, dizzy. You OK.

Agree with alibaba - being a good father to his son involves having respect for you. You are the mother of his children. He will need to both respect you and be worthy of your respect.

If it is any consolation to you after XP and I had been through court and they had disagreed with him that I was unreasonable and then mediation who had also disagreed with him that I was unreasonable and once he could see that I really did want him to have a good relationship with the children and was not trying to manipulate or trick him he calmed down and apologised for trying to trick, manipulate and bully me.

He said initially, because of the things he'd done and the way he'd left (with an accompanying policeman's boot up his arse) he'd geared himself up for a fight. He had decided the best form of defense was attack and convinced himself that I would be trying to manipulate and trick him out of a relationship with his children.

Things improved the minute he realised that what I had been saying all along was true - that I did want him to see the children, just in a way which was best for them and that I did know better than him, having done all the childcare what way that was but was very open to his input. You know that my XP has just been diagnosed with BPD but I'm pretty convinced from the time I spent having counselling with women's aid that his behaviour was fairly normal. Men that treat women like this seem to be prone to getting paranoid and angry.

Hope you're OK this morning and you can do something nice with your parents to take your mind off it all. x