Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

I'm hoping this is in the right place - ds and contact with h - - - - URGENT

158 replies

dizzymare · 21/08/2009 22:19

Recent history - seperated from my H after a long history of problems, then me discovering he was shagging someone else was the last straw. He left, I've stayed in the house with ds. Joint named morgage, which he is still paying at the moment, what will happen in the future I don't know.

Anyway, H has been totally shit at seeing ds for quite a few weeks, crap excuses, or not turning up with not even a text Ds is only 20 months, so isn't totally aware if daddy doesn't turn up yet, plus I've stopped mentioning him coming incase he doesn't come.

H has said he wants to take ds away for a weeks holiday, won't say where or who with. Except I know who it'll be with, I'm far from stupid . I've got ds passport and documents here, so at least I know he can't take him abroad.

Ok, now for the immediate problem. Tomorrow, he's due to pick up ds for contact day, as arranged between ourselves. What I need to know is can he take ds away without my permission? And if he is intent on being a bastard and takes him without my permission or even knowing, where do I stand legally? I've got an appointment with a solicitor but not until friday, which isn't much use tbh.

If anyone can help, or give me some info that would be really helpful.

OP posts:
curiositykilled · 26/09/2009 11:58

If he turns up just stay calm, don't speak to him and call the police. If you have told him not contact you directly you don't have to speak to him at all. The police will probably respond quickly because they all have targets about reducing domestic violence atm and they will likely just come and tell him to go home and leave you alone.

mmrred · 26/09/2009 17:55

I very much hope all is well and that you have found some calm. You should perhaps regard your panic as a bit of a wake-up call for taking care of yourself (counselling or whatever) to help you deal with what is undoubtedly a terrible situation.

However, I just wanted to point out that witholding contact from a parent is DV also. Would it be acceptable for the Dad in this situation to take the child and stop all contact because he was upset? I also can't see that it is better for the child, who must be bewildered.

Original poster
dizzymare · 26/09/2009 19:00

I've not been up to coming back here until now really.

The shit hit the fan this morning, and there was a lot of abusive language shouted at me through the door, he was very aggressive which frightened ds. My dad refused to open the door to him, he doesn't have a key anymore thankfully. So I took ds upstairs in to the back bedroom and sat soothing him in the hope he's go away. Well he wasn't going without a fight, kicked the door several times and if we didn't give ds to him he'd break the window. Needless to say dad called the police on him, who took a very long 15 minutes to fucking arrive. We were actually hoping he would have gone on his own accord, but he was in for the long haul and wasn't giving up. He was warned if he didn't leave quietly he'd be arrested for breaching the peace, and that that wouldn't look good on his record for custody. After a long heated conversation with the old bill, he got back in his car and buggered off. I've been told if he comes back at all I'm to call the police again, and I won't hesitate in doing it either.

And don't accuse me of DV against him either thanks!

OP posts:
thesouthsbelle · 26/09/2009 19:04

you did the right thing dizzy. totally 110%. can you stay with your parents tonight now?

Original poster
dizzymare · 26/09/2009 21:02

It's ok, if he comes back I've taken good measures

OP posts:
Original poster
dizzymare · 27/09/2009 01:13

Just updating this because I can't sleep, there doesn't seem much point really.

He's sent me 3 abusive texts tonight, which I've recorded

OP posts:
tellnoone · 27/09/2009 01:51

Been reading the thread and just wanted to say Dizzy that I'm thinking of you.

lilmissmummy · 27/09/2009 02:59

Hi dizzy, can't sleep either! I have read through and feel v bad for you. My xp was abusive and several times turned up demanding the children. I consulted a solicitor who recommended a contact centre. This would protect me as I was v vunerable and ensure the dc saw him regularly.

He later admitted to a member of his family ( who the children have regular contact with) that he didn't want access to the children or want anything to do with them. He just wanted to punish me for making him feel bad about himself!

I appreciate my xp was a psycho and it may not be the case for you but you xh behaviour this morning has proved that he is doing this to get to you not to do what's best for his son.

He is the one that is being unreasonable. You have done everything right! You need to stay strong, hold your head up high and ignore the shit he is giving you!

Good luck xxx
(sending you hugs, tea and sympathy)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 27/09/2009 08:56

Oh dizzy I've just seen this. How bloody awful for you and DS.
Hope you did get some sleep in the end.

When are you next seeing your solicitor?

curiositykilled · 27/09/2009 09:51

dizzy - can you go to the police station and report him for harrassment? Use the texts and when he came over as evidence. The police could then go round when he is calm and warn him that if he contacts you, bad mouths you to anyone or tries intimidating you that he will be arrested for harrassment. This may well stop him completely.

curiositykilled · 27/09/2009 10:01

Requesting that a proper arrangement is made for contact is not witholding contact, that is a load of rubbish. Dizzy, I really can't see that you have ever been motivated towards your ex being done out of seeing your DS. You have to make the contact safe and regular for the sake of DS. He will feel, and will tell you that you are unreasonable and that you are stopping him seeing his son but look at his behaviour. Is it really you who is being unreasonable? Trying to kick down the door of a woman who is pregnant with his twins whilst his son is in the house?

I don't think any of this necessarily makes your X horrible and scary as a person however. He is just very upset, but he needs to get his priorities straight - DS is more important than him, he needs to calm down and stop trying to fight you and you all need to be protected from the rawness of this new situation.

Use the police and your solicitor to protect yourself. He has this rage and it needs to come out somewhere away from you. Try Women's Aid for some support too dizzy. They are great.

Moving in with your parents might be a good plan and changing your numbers so that he can't contact you.

curiositykilled · 27/09/2009 10:02

Remember too that if you have told him not to contact you directly, just doing this, even if he is not being angry or abusive is harrassment.

Original poster
dizzymare · 27/09/2009 12:19

Thank you for taking the time to reply with all this really good advice. I'm getting on to my solicitor first thing in the morning, after probably another really crap nights sleep

OP posts:
curiositykilled · 27/09/2009 12:36

You can make it OK in the end. It's really shit that he gets to cause all of this and then be upset himself but he is upset and angry and he just needs to get it out somewhere far away from you and DS.

Keep maintaining he only speaks through solicitors and keep calling the police if he comes near you. Log all the texts with the police if you can and don't reply other than maybe one other time to say you are not replying and if he continues to try and contact you directly you will report him to the police. Don't give his anger any attention, think of him as a small angry child having a temper tantrum.

curiositykilled · 27/09/2009 12:39

Got to go and get some lunch but I'll check my e-mail later if you're needing me. x

Original poster
dizzymare · 27/09/2009 21:09

Curiosity, I got your email. When my head's a bit clearer and I can digest everything I'll try and put together a bit of a reply.

All I can think about tonight is what the solicitor will have to say tomorrow.

Ds has been really hard work today, very stressed and tearful. We think he's picking up my stress now

OP posts:
curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 14:46

We've got no electricity cos of the builders today so i am on my phone. Bad timing, sorry. The solicitor should be fine. You can make an informal but documented contact arrangement with the solicitor's help. It would be normal to suggest the times that xh could come to see ds and get the solicitor to send his solicitor a letter offering him a choice and asking what contact he proposes. Maybe stating officially that it is necessary that you have no direct contact for the moment and why. Your solicitor might rather wait for a letter from him than send one straight away too.

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 16:57

back online now.

Original poster
dizzymare · 28/09/2009 19:07

Well, we're going down the contact centre route, tbh I think H is going to refuse this but we wait and see. My solicitor was sending a letter to his solicitor today, plus a referral letter to the contact centre. And until we can reach an agreement all contact is to be halted because of his behaviour towards me and my family. I don't know what I wanted but it wasn't this, but this is the best option right now to keep it out of the courts. So we wait and see

Ds has been so clingy todayand I'm very tired emotionally and physically stressed.

OP posts:
lilmissmummy · 28/09/2009 19:43

Just take it easy and get as much rest as you can, it will all sort itself out. Your ds is just upset and confused. Give him loads of cuddles and it will make both of you feel better! Neither of you deserve this.

You are doing great and your H needs to realise his behaviour is wrong... he will come to his senses eventually, hopefully it wont be too late.

keep your chin up xx

curiositykilled · 28/09/2009 20:05

Oh dizzy, I'm so sorry if you feel anything I've said has taken you to a bad place or left you worse off than before!

To me it doesn't sound beyond repair. His solicitor would be wise to advise him to take the offer and once things start moving forward what you should do and how it will end up should start to seem clearer.

Deemented · 28/09/2009 20:10

Ypu've done all you can now, Dizzy - all you can do now is just try to get on with things for DS's sake and see what happens.

You know you have done nothing wrong, and you know that you are the best mammy that DS and your girls could ever want, and it's plainly obvious that you only want whats best for them, which is more then can be said for fuckmuppet - he's shown his true colours right enough, and fwiw, i think you are all better off without him.

I know things are hard at the moment, and i know sometimes that it all feels like it's too much, and it's overwhelming you, but you can do this, Dizzy - you can.

Original poster
dizzymare · 28/09/2009 20:13

Curiosity, no don't think that, it's really not the case. I went today niavely thinking things could just be sorted, I'm just so tired of all this it makes me want to run away with ds You've been brilliant, really you've listened to me and for that I'll always be grateful. Please don't feel sorry, you've got nothing to feel sorry about. It's me whose sorry, sorry for ds being dragged through this shit, sorry for my babies coming in to this shit and sorry for my family putting up with my shit

OP posts:
Deemented · 28/09/2009 20:24

It's not your shit - it's fuckmuppets. You have been more then reasonable - allowing him access, ringing him to tell him about the girls - it's him who should be hanging his bloody head in shame, Dizzy - not you

Original poster
dizzymare · 28/09/2009 20:36

Yes but Dee I've really had enough. None of my babies deserve being plonked in the middle of this, nor do the people who end up picking me up all the time. I feel ready to rollover

I don't know what else to say, but I really hurt today.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread