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Original poster

I'm hoping this is in the right place - ds and contact with h - - - - URGENT

158 replies

dizzymare · 21/08/2009 22:19

Recent history - seperated from my H after a long history of problems, then me discovering he was shagging someone else was the last straw. He left, I've stayed in the house with ds. Joint named morgage, which he is still paying at the moment, what will happen in the future I don't know.

Anyway, H has been totally shit at seeing ds for quite a few weeks, crap excuses, or not turning up with not even a text Ds is only 20 months, so isn't totally aware if daddy doesn't turn up yet, plus I've stopped mentioning him coming incase he doesn't come.

H has said he wants to take ds away for a weeks holiday, won't say where or who with. Except I know who it'll be with, I'm far from stupid . I've got ds passport and documents here, so at least I know he can't take him abroad.

Ok, now for the immediate problem. Tomorrow, he's due to pick up ds for contact day, as arranged between ourselves. What I need to know is can he take ds away without my permission? And if he is intent on being a bastard and takes him without my permission or even knowing, where do I stand legally? I've got an appointment with a solicitor but not until friday, which isn't much use tbh.

If anyone can help, or give me some info that would be really helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
dizzymare · 25/09/2009 20:24

bump

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Original poster
dizzymare · 25/09/2009 20:48

bump please

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bran · 25/09/2009 21:01

Tell him it's too short notice for tomorrow and you will consider it for the next contact. That doesn't commit you to anything and will give you time to get legal advice.

mmrred · 25/09/2009 21:02

Legally, if you were married you have equal responsibilities for the child. I don't think you have any legal right to prevent the child spending time, overnight or otherwise, with his father. Lots of women do it, of course.

If you do, at some point you're headed for court, as it doesn't sound like this guy is going to go away (and rightly so, kids need their fathers) and you will have to explain why you prevented contact. An order will be put in place that is about the child's needs, not yours.

It's much, much better to try sorting something out between you. If you prevent him from seeing the child you will poison the relationship for years - imagine how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

He may have treated you appallingly, but at some point you have to sort out a relationship with him as the father of all 3 children.

Ewe · 25/09/2009 21:04

Do you think legally you could prevent him being allowed to have his DS on an overnight stay? Unless you have a very good reason why he can't have him - I don't know all of the history - then it might be best to let him go and use it as a chance to have a nice rest?

Original poster
dizzymare · 25/09/2009 21:11

It's got me in a tizzy, and I can't bare the thought of ds being away from me right now. I've had quite a few hospital stays recently, so me not seeing him for another 24 hours is getting me rather upset. If there's no legal leg to stand on, I'm going to have to let him go then aren't I. H is due to collect him in 12 hours, it feel nuts that I'm even counting. What time is reasonable for him to have to bring him back? 9?

I really don't want this to happen

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spicybingowings · 25/09/2009 21:30

Dizzy - what a dreadful situation. I have hesitated to post, as its so easy to say things from the outside looking in and I cannot begin to imagine how/if I would cope or react in your situation.

My view - I'm afraid - is that you need to let your DS stay overnight, he has a right to a proper relationship with his father, regardless - and this sounds harsh - how that makes you feel at this time. Children who lose contact with their father suffer long lasting damage. This is backed up by research and I can confirm this as I didn't see my Dad from the age of 6 until I was an adult -as a result of a very acrimonious divorce - and I know that has had a negative impact on my self esteem and my relationship choices in the past.

However, my heart really does go out to you and I hope your family and friends can provide you with the support you need.

Unsure how to end this post, but for what is's worth I'm thinking of you.

curiositykilled · 25/09/2009 21:37

sorry dizzy - only just noticed you been arguing on AIBU!

Legally your X has a right to access. The terms of access are to be decided jointly between the two of you at this stage if you have no legal involvement. You will not be at risk of breaking the law or being unreasonable if you say to XH that he can't ask to have DS stay over at such short notice. Sounds like you need to get a proper arrangement going through solicitors. This should be structured so that it is best for DS, you and XH.

Original poster
dizzymare · 25/09/2009 21:41

I can't do this, I'm in a complete state about this, it's not good for the babies, but I can't help how I feel. But I don't think I've really got much choice have I. He's already text me back again for an answer, and he said if I say no he'll go through the solicitor and get longer access shit fucking shit.

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curiositykilled · 25/09/2009 21:42

Anybody attempting to make a proper ongoing contact arrangement with you and XH (solicitors, mediation, court) would take a dim view of XH presenting you with his plan right at the last minute. It would not be considered to be in the best interests of the child to have such a small amount of time to prepare him for his first overnight stay and if XH has been previously flakey in his contact they would want to establish that he could manage a smaller regular arrangement first anyway. Children are much more upset by being let down if they are expecting to spend all night with their dad than just a few hours.

Original poster
dizzymare · 25/09/2009 21:42

Curiosity, thanks for coming over. I don't have an issue with contact, but this is out of the blue and has totally spun me out, to the point of throwing up.

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curiositykilled · 25/09/2009 21:44

dizzy - say no and that a solicitor will take a dim view of his bullying behaviour as contact is supposed to be based on the child not him. Tell him you don't need to be subjected to his bullying anymore and that you want to speak only through solicitors from now on as texting is not working out.

curiositykilled · 25/09/2009 21:45

That would buy you some time and distance.

thesouthsbelle · 25/09/2009 21:46

he's a bully dizzy plain and simple you know this.

I would say that he is not going to have DS over night tomorrow as it's too short notice. and you will not be intimidated into letting him stay - he either agrees to bringing him back tomorrow (which is doubtful) or he doesn't see him this week.

say you will consider it for next week but it is not an option for this week. you are thinking of DS he is using DS as a pawn against you.

Also would try to see if you can get some legal advice tomorrow - am I right in thinking you weren't married?

curiositykilled · 25/09/2009 21:48

It is possible his solicitor will then take over and do his bullying for him but at least you won't have to have it brought into your home. He is not entitled to just ask the night before if DS can stay over or tell you that you have to let him. He does have equal responsibility for DS but DS lives with you. You are his stability, his dad needs to be stable too, he can't just expect to sprinf things on you at the last minute.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 25/09/2009 21:48

this sounds awful. so stressful. he is bullying you and the whole issue of contact sounds like it is being dealt with on the hoof rather than in a planned and calm fashion with your ds as the focus of what is appropriate....

i would think about applying to the court for a residence order and defined contact order to get this on a sensible footing. the residence order would settle that ds lives with you and the contact order settles how much and what time he spends with his dad.

he cant just demand things and expect you to agree on the spot. if you dont think its ok for ds to stay over then tell him so and if need be go out for the day after telling him you will be seeking advice monday.

Original poster
dizzymare · 25/09/2009 21:49

He'll make things hell over this, he is a bully you're right, and he is using ds

Curiosity I'm about to text him roughly what you've said, and I'm shaking. This is shit.

Southbelle, we're currently still married.

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curiositykilled · 25/09/2009 21:51

Being married or not doesn't make too much difference I don't think. Children born after march 2003's fathers have parental responsibility for them whether the parents were married or not. I wouldn't tell him you will consider it for next week unless you will. He shouldn't be told lies and you need to get an arrangement that is good for all of you. DS will be worried about going if you are worried about letting him.

Original poster
dizzymare · 25/09/2009 21:53

If I let ds go to him as normal tomorrow, whats to say he'll keep him anyway, and I know I've got no legal standing on him doing that

Fuck, I'm in a right state. PLease just tell me what the fuck to do because my headds gone to mush and I can't make a decision. Let him go or not?

Oh god I think this could get nasty

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curiositykilled · 25/09/2009 21:54

yes, you need to take the bullying out of the equation. It is difficult for dads in this situation, they often resort to bullying as it is hard for them to get their heads around the fact that time with their children needs to be planned and considered. If you take the opportunity to bully you out of the equation then he'll be more able to focus on making a proper contact arrangement.

maryz · 25/09/2009 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curiositykilled · 25/09/2009 21:59

dizzy - depends what he is saying. If you really think that he might keep him then tell XH that you need to stop contact for a while while it gets sorted out. That you want DS to see him because he is DS's father and DS loves him but that it seems the current arrangements you have are not working and that you need to have someone in between to mediate. That you will make an appointment with your solicitor with a view to doing this ASAP and you think he should do the same. Then you use the weekend to steel yourself up enough to go/phone the solicitor on monday morning.

Original poster
dizzymare · 25/09/2009 22:00

Oh fuck I still don't know exactly what I'm saying. I've deleted 4 times now

Right plain english, because my head can't cope with anything else now.

Can you type me exactly what you think I should be saying

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curiositykilled · 25/09/2009 22:02

maryz is right too about thinking rationally about whether he is trustworthy but contact arrangements shouldn't be made in this way at the last minute with a load of bullying and intimidation. That is not what is best for your DS. It needs to be planned properly with all the elements considered. I think it is the way he is behaving that is making you worried not necessarily the thought of him caring for DS overnight - am I right? If so that is a valid concern.

Original poster
dizzymare · 25/09/2009 22:03

Yes and I feel n the verge of a panic attack right ow

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