Wrongfully being accused by brother and wife

[ForJoyousDog]

I don't know what to do! My brother has POA for finances for my mother, which he has actioned and now deals with her banking. He and his wife are doing an audit of mum's spending since dad died in 2019. Mum became a recluse after his death, the mobility car had to be returned. I live 750 miles from mum, my brother 12 miles but to help mum I did her grocery shopping online using her debit card. This turned into birthday cards, gifts, hobby materials etc but everything with her authority to use her account and card. My brother and his wife have said that now my brother "has unrestricted access to mum's account and are working closely with the bank as there are suspicious payments that have come out of her account". I have done nothing wrong, certainly not used my mothers bank account as my own but the accusation has been going on since January, the messages I get are hateful, they are relishing trying to destroy me, my husband won't support me because he told me this would happen and he is angry as to how this makes him look. My mother has told my brother that I had authority to do any shopping etc using her card, but it is still going on. I'm not eating, sleeping and my relationship is suffering. What can I do to make this stop does anyone have any ideas please?

Good for you OP .As you said...let him now get on with it!

Why did t you listen to your husband?

You should never have done any of this but referred it back to your brother and his wife to use her bank card do her shopping.

You've left yourself wide open...

supermarket, Amazon

then they will be a record online, the supermarket records will tally with the bank card and so will the amazon and you'll be able to see what was purchased, the price - so it will all tally

Because her mother needed to eat and her brother was unwilling. Her sister-in-law was incommunicado.

Yet again NO ! I had a POA when we were buying a house, pre electronic transfers etc., and OH was working abroad, I was fully in control of my mind.

you really don’t want to give us even a hint about the value of the items you purchased for yourself and your husband on your mother’s behalf do you Op?!!

this husband also accepted gifts from his MIL purchased by his wife (the op) so he can’t have been that against it

It sounds like you need a solicitor, both to send a cease and desist official notice to your brother and for a divorce from your selfish self important husband.

I would also make sure you get your mum to write a formal letter that she gave you permission to make purchases on her behalf, and get that done with a solicitor as well

What's the problem? It's a bank account with itemised payments. You can either justify spending your mother's money or you can't.

There's no "he says/ she says"

It's there in black and white.

I'd be suspicious of the vague "gifts"? Gifts to who for what?

If you've spent money you're not entitled to spend, pay it back.

Sounds like brother stepped in because mum did not have enough money to pay a bill or there was a red flag in her finances?

If the mother was not mentally incapacitated then the POA is irrelevant as she had capacity to ask her daughter to do these things for her.

Saraclara maybe you could ask your mum to confirm in writing that she asked/ authorised you to do these things for her? You could draft something for her to sign, and maybe have a friend with you to witness no coercion on your part? I would then send that to your brother with a note asking him to stop harassing you. There may be more going on here. There's no reason why he should be accessing her bank account if she's mentally OK. Is he bullying her? I think a GP can be involved to affirm capacity. I really hope your husband starts supporting you!

Why don't you get added to POA aswell ? Me and my brother both have POA for my mum....then you can get a bank card with your mum's bank? X I am sorry you are going through this xx ❤️

Did you pay back the money for the accidental transactions OP?

You can't really say that you've done nothing wrong when you used her card without her knowing, accidental or not, that seems to be what has prompted this investigation by your brother.

But why is this still ongoing from January? Why haven't you provided your brother with evidence of what you were legitimately doing?

Why don’t you and your brother get on?

Your brother sounds truly awful. As does your sister in law! I would go and see your mum and tell her how upset this is making you and get the POA cancelled as soon as!
If you had her authority to make the transactions (which it sounds like he knows!) just tell him to get stuffed! The bank won't do anything if she says she agreed them! She could just have been on face time while you made them which is perfectly reasonable when you live so far away!
Honestly, you'll be totally fine and he's a first class prick! Cut him out of your life and you'll feel better, he's obviously just a bully!

Have I missed it, she doesn’t say accidental transactions, or does she?

I also can’t understand why this is going on still,all the evidence is online. And I don’t get why she’s asking how to make it stop. She just needs to give the evidence.

Make a report of your concerns to the OPG, you can do it online. They probably won't take any action, but at least your concerns will be logged. Then if your mum was deemed to lack capacity and they take full control, you've raised concerns already if you have to do so again.

there's another post from around february time linked further up the thread which is exactly the same as OPs, but it states that her mums card had accidentally been used to pay for something on OPs amazon account and her brother found it while going through her mums bank statements.

OP says she didn't realise and offered to pay it back + 'compensation' but she didn't want to have to give her brother a screenshot as proof of paying it back for some reason.. same as here, she doesn't seem to want to provide proof of what the money was being spent on, even though if it's all above board she should be able to.

Shame brother wasn't as helpful with shopping and gift buying...as assume for that he couldn't really be bothered to help?!
A lot of people do online grocery shopping for elderly parents/gift buying.

Goodness, poor you! I do this for my MIL, would hate to think DHs siblings would start accusing me of stuff when she dies or gets senile. Awful...!!

It’s effectively the same thing? It’s her bank account, brother with LPA is just her agent. He’s doesn’t have control over her bank account. For there to be some sort of crime her mum would need to agree that the money was taken without authority. Mum doesn’t have to go through and discuss each transaction - it’s her bank account. The police won’t look twice at this I can assure you.

Having said that I did read the thread back again and saw the link to a previous post and reading between the lines it does sound like there’s a lot more to this “gift buying”. If her mum is vulnerable that’s a whole other ball game that I imagine involves social services.

Omg don’t do this

Well, perhaps you should not have used your mother's card but your brother is just being nasty and awkward. If you shopped online you can probably find receipts and were linked to birthdays etc. Send your mother's debit card to your brother and remind him that your mother has to eat, so he'd better start doing the food shopping. Then forget about it. And, sadly, your DH was right, though he should back you up now, not doing so is showing lack of fidelity.

Whilst your mum still has capacity get her to write down and sign that she gave you permission to use her card on her behalf. Things will get worse and your brother could cut you out of any inheritance if you’re not very careful.

Where there is money there's a relative
So true @Mrsredlipstick , it is seen time and time again on this site in numerous threads on all sorts of topics

Wow. Gifts for everyone paid for (unknowingly) by mum.

Says all the posts.

I'm a huge believer in Euthanasia. I thought all the politicians were paranoid because they were less than trustworthy people.

Who cares. Maybe it's only the trash that have no respect for their families.

But no one should be turning to social media .... when there are black and white bank accounts. There should be check and balance accountability for eveything.