Wrongfully being accused by brother and wife

[ForJoyousDog]

I don't know what to do! My brother has POA for finances for my mother, which he has actioned and now deals with her banking. He and his wife are doing an audit of mum's spending since dad died in 2019. Mum became a recluse after his death, the mobility car had to be returned. I live 750 miles from mum, my brother 12 miles but to help mum I did her grocery shopping online using her debit card. This turned into birthday cards, gifts, hobby materials etc but everything with her authority to use her account and card. My brother and his wife have said that now my brother "has unrestricted access to mum's account and are working closely with the bank as there are suspicious payments that have come out of her account". I have done nothing wrong, certainly not used my mothers bank account as my own but the accusation has been going on since January, the messages I get are hateful, they are relishing trying to destroy me, my husband won't support me because he told me this would happen and he is angry as to how this makes him look. My mother has told my brother that I had authority to do any shopping etc using her card, but it is still going on. I'm not eating, sleeping and my relationship is suffering. What can I do to make this stop does anyone have any ideas please?

Same.

Yeah, that's not how it works. If her brother suspects there's been a misuse of his mum's finances he's duty bound to report it as he has PoA. Telling him he's not to contact you again and blocking him a)won't stop him reporting you or writing to you and b)raises suspicions even further.

Far better to sit down with him and her mum and go through each purchase line by line and confirm each one was authorised - and then stop using the card or accessing her accounts unless you have PoA. Once you do, record everything and only use the account for specific purposes and set up regular payments from that account for bills etc.

I think the PP here are being a tad harsh. It’s easy to get pulled into these situations and for them to just snowball. Yes of course you should have had something formal in place like third party access to her bank account, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

If everything was genuine and if your mum backs you up then why is your brother taking this line? Can you justify any spending he’s highlighting? Have you always had a bad relationship or is this new?

People here are not being harsh, just realistic. Only the person with the POA should be using the card. The OP put herself in a difficult position and even says that her husband warned her this would happen.
I feel sorry for the OP for the way her brother has reacted but the reality is that she is in the wrong.

Did you buy yourself really expensive gifts? If not I wouldn't take any notice.

Did you keep records? It's important to keep receipts as well. The bank advised me to keep a note of expenditure. It was really good advice and I have a record of "Dad asked me to transfer £50 for Mia's birthday" with date etc. Seems silly at the time but it's proved invaluable.

Unless you brought yourself really expensive gifts I'd take no notice.
If your brother was only 12 miles away why didn't he take/do her shopping beforehand? That is what I'd be asking him.

Law is law, yeah but I didn't really mean it type attitudes don't usually wash

Won't there be detailed recirds it's in terms of all orders on the Amazon account or tea I account?

So he can ask for details of all those credit card payments via your mum and see what each is if he wants.

You need to gather evidence.

Message your mum’s grandson/great granddaughter etc. “Who bought you the video game for your birthday last year?” “It was from Granny”.

Text your mum “who was the sewing machine for in April?” “It was part of my hobby supplies which I asked you to buy for me”. Etc.

Screenshot the evidence. Print it out. Send one lot of evidence to your accusers/their lawyers. Keep the other file of evidence for yourself.

If you’ve REALLY done nothing wrong, then compiling evidence won’t be difficult.

Because it sounds like he does everything else? Least OP could do was help out a bit, as long as she did it properly and communicated.

How many threads are there on here from an OP saying they’ve been left to deal with absolutely everything for an aging parent while their sibling doesn’t bother to help out, and everyone piles on about how terrible the sibling is. But you’re saying that the brother should is not all and OP can swan off and not bother to help?

It sounds like she has been buying a lot of stuff though without communicating with her brother who has POA. This should have been discussed and they should have agreed on who was doing what and how they would manage it.

How can they be for someone you don't even know?

Were you using her bank card and/or logging in to her online banking? That's not allowed without POA, even with her consent.

Or had you been given, for example, a credit card on her account, in your name? That is allowed.

It sounds likely that, however well-meaning, you may have acted illegally. (Disclaimer: IANAL - this is just my understanding. I'd provide as much detail and proof as you can to your brother, and get your mum to back you up if she's able to.

Did the gifts include gifts to your brother and his family? That might help him to see you weren't doing it just to benefit yourself!

Thank goodness my siblings and I work as a team.
Whichever one visits df does his shopping with his card.
None of us live near, he never put poa in place because he’s a ditherer and if we didn’t shop he’d starve.
I look at his monthly bank statements and everything is in apple pie order.

I can guarantee that most people on here have withdrawn cash for a family member using their card and PIN number.

I think a lot of people don’t realise this about a POA. My husband and his brother have POA for MIL. They were advised that no-one else should have the ability to use the card, so when SIL does the online shop for MIL she puts all the items in the basket and then gives the phone to BIL to complete the payment. The card details are not stored on the account. You need to be whiter than white in these situations.

I agree - loads of people do this. In fact, the way banking is these days, more and more people do it as their parents become unable to get through password processes and "are you a robot" and are terrified of being scammed.

If you haven't done anything wrong OP, you will be fine.

Out of interest, why does your brother have POA and not you, OP? More than one person can have it.

The POA was put into action in January of this year. My brother and SIL mainly SILthat my mother had dementia which after tests wasn't the case. My father died in 2018, My brother at that time did very little, least of all shopping for mum. Mum grieved terribly for dad, I was just trying to help. There was also an issue where my SIL during this time wouldn't speak to my mother and told her she didn't want to know the family in its entirety. Mum begged and pleaded with her, apologised if she had done anything wrong, but SI L is a hard person and didn't even go to see her own mother. What I did was to help mum, I never thought a family member could do this to another.

I didn't access her bank account nor use her card or draw cash. All purchases were supermarket, Amazon or occasionally another retailer, but that was very seldom.

Why did you not have PoA as well? And why didn't you keep detailed records of all the transactions you put through your mum's account, esp when your DH warned you this would happen?

Unfortunately, whilst family relationships can often cause complications, you have to be absolutely above board in all financial dealings when you're accessing another person's money. The banks and police don't really care who was speaking to who and who had fallen out with who, they're just concerned about making sure there isn't any financial abuse.

How did you pay for the Supermarket shop and Amazon?

My SI L took my mother to get the POA for her and dad when he was alive. I was made executor of the will. My mother didn't even know until after dad's death and I was going through paperwork that she had signed the form.

This is a little confusing.

Appreciate you didn't withdraw cash.
But if you made purchases by supermarket and Amazon, but didn't access her bank account or use her card, then how did you make the purchases?

Did you make the purchases and then your mum transferred the money to you?

Because I live 750 miles away I paid for it using mum's debit card online, all payments were made online

That doesn’t sound right at all. Why did BIL not take them? Was DM capable of understanding what was going on?