no longer pregnant, abusve ex pursuing me/harassing via solicitor

[buzzpop]

Please see my other thread on relationships 'please help me make sense of this' been through hell with ex, Emotionally abusive, bullying and very very controlling. Was pregnant, no longer am. He does not believe me, wants proof and continues to harass, police are involved too. My post below, WA suggested to post here in legal, Any thoughts reply welcome. I do not what to give him proof s this may put me at further risk from him, and also I know I do not have to legally, but I don't know what he will do next...

A letter from solicitor came via email today, no doubt he is blind copied, and exactly seven days just as he said in his last threatening emails.
I am shocked this family solicitors is proceeding as they are copied into my response to his threats stating he is continuing to harrass me and all further communication will be given to the Police.
It basically repeats what he has said in emails, that I 'allege to no longer be pregnant' , that this has come as a shock to their client because despite difficulties in the relationship with me, he was very happy at the news that he was to become a father, and to assist him in accepting that he is no longer to be a Father, please provide some documentary evidence from the hospital or your doctor to confirm you are no longer pregnant. Once our client has sight of this, he confirms he will not contact you again.
Understandably our client needs to be sure that the information you have provided is correct, as f you are having his child, he is keen to be fully involved both in the pregnancy and to be fully involved with his child following the birth.
We hope you will understand the position our client finds himself him and your cooperation would be appreciated.

I'm livid, torn between

• reporting it to Police as evidence of further harassment and letting solicitors know (though they already know this from prior emails that he CEO them into and I responded to stating it was ongoing harassment and would be forwarded to police)

• completely ignoring, not responding at all ... But I do not know what he will do after that....

The Police are being rubbish, still haven't arrested or done anything at all to him despite three separate reports and statements, I have to do a three hour round trip at the weekend to give in all my evidence to an officer who frankly, sounds like he sympathizes, and I didn't get good vibes off when I said I was no longer pregnant as a result of what has gone on... Originally I didn't want him arrested, but I do now. I've had enough, I want him out of my life and I want him to know he doesn't get to do this to women.

Listen to the professionals on here. It's all a balance of probabilities and what the various lawyers have said comes from their considerable experience in every aspect of family/divorce/relationship breakdown and how they have seen judges act in the past. I would guess most have acted for both sides on various occasions know what is permissible to bring to court under the various pieces of legislation. When it comes to a best guess as to how get him off your back they are probably right, which is about as right as anyone can be because no one has a crystal ball as to his future actions. The letter sounds as though the bit about no more contact is what the solicitor advised be included. But you don't have to do as asked tomorrow. Listen to the GP too as the best way to secure your peace of mind in the future and as to how to put as much of this as possible in the past but it would make sense to get dated medical letter now and then you can decide how to act when you are ready and if need be.
Anger and feeling morally violated are truly understandable feelings, but throwing the shackle of your last possible need to have contact with him is hugely appealing and puts you in an immense position of legal power if he continues to harass you.

Hi OP, hope your GP has offered you some much needed support to deal with the whole sodding saga and hope you are doing ok.

Thank you. The GP was lovely, I totally fell apart when I told her the everything, and about the solicitors letter and potentially a judge requesting medical records when the baby would be due.
I did a pregnancy test so that is on record there, there was still a faint line so going for bloods next week. She was very concerned about the impact of giving him any evidence now, but was happy to do. Test for me , she did not think I ought to give him this evidence now because my instinct is that it would not be a safe thing to do,
She said she wanted to check with the senior gps what would they be prepared to give a judge from my medical records if it went to court due to confidentiality and the potential risk to me from him.
He has again emailed with a pathetic reason, with the following added on ( and solicitors cced)
As you have chosen not to respond to my solicitors letter, I can only assume you are still pregnant. Again, I will reiterate, if you don't want to hear from me again, provide something to make me believe you.

Glad to hear you have such a supportive GP. That will make the world of difference to you.

In the meantime, keep ignoring. He seems to think that a doctor will just churn out a letter without doing a conclusive blood test. Do things in your own time, including sending that letter if you choose to. I know I'm firmly in the court of not sending the letter, but them I'm a hot headed person. A PP mentioned something about the strength of sending it to him, with a condescending note along the lines of: "I told you. You had no reason to not believe me", which could equally be quite empowering.

Hope the police are keeping on top of things too. I still can't see how his expectation for you to divulge private medical info about yourself (your body, your pregnancy, so your business only) and how this could potentially affect your application for a non-mol, but then I haven't been through this. It just seems very backward that you have to forego your privacy for the sake of him behaving in a normal & legal manner. Then again, UK law never fails to surprise me.

I agree, it all feels very invasive and it was incredibly painful this morning.
One day at a time at the moment, the police are letting me know how they are going to proceed tomorrow.
I have done a diary of everything, and have all the evidence, though I can't give him any evidence at the moment anyway as I don't have it given I am still showing as pregnant albeit faintly.

The poster told me to read the gift of fear, I can't thank you enough, it has been SO insightful and very helpful in me deciding which course of action to take and when. I AM scared of him, I KNOW I am at risk, and I do not want to give him proof sooner rather than later because I am not in any way protected at the moment, the Police have not even been to see him yet

I think you are doing remarkably well, given the fact you are dealing with all of this whilst your hormones are all over the place.

If you do eventually decide to send your GP's letter, then send it to the solicitor not him. He will then advised by the solicitor to leave you alone and they will be much less likely to take any further action on his behalf. (At the moment the solicitor only knows what he has told them. My gf is having my baby and I want contact. Seemingly fair enough to them, I guess. if you send them proof and he is still intent on persecuting you they will see his true colours.)

Is there someone looking after you? Please be kind to yourself.

The OP can bring evidence of no pregnancy/birth to court and hand it to the judge. She can bring letters from her GP and hand it to the judge. She does not need to provide her ex or his solicitor with anything.

If she did that, the judge would hand it straight over to his lawyers as they would certainly be entitled to see it. If they're going to see it later, there really is no reason why they shouldn't see it now.

OP, I really think if you ignore this you will be playing straight into his hands. You even have an illustration from his last email: he is using your lack of a reply as an excuse to harass you further. Moreover, he's probably absolutely delighted you've put him in a position where he can effectively say "Poor me, this awful woman is lying to me about my baby and trying to keep my child away from me". Just get a letter from the GP's to his solicitor as soon as you can and put a stop to this.

It won't put a stop to it.

It will strengthen OPs hand.

But to think it will stop an abusive prick like that is very naive. The pg is an excuse. Like as not he couldn't give a flying fuck about 'his child'.

He will only stop once he is made to stop (by the police) or he gets bored from getting no reaction and/or moves on.

OP for your difficult day.
You are doing the right thing to gather evidence and get your ducks in a row. Hopefully the police will deal with him and you can get a non mol in place once it is vlear that he has absolutely no reason to keep contacting you.

The GP visit was worthwhile too as you can get evidence from them of the effects of the harrassment - may be useful if you need legal aid etc.

No, what I meant was that it would a stop to this particular line of harassment, and in particular it would take away from him any justification for the way he's behaving. If this went to court now, there's a substantial danger that the judge would be unimpressed that OP hasn't just sorted out a letter and would order her to provide evidence. If she provides a letter and the ex carries on stalking so it has to go to court, OP will be in the position of being able to demonstrate that she's acted reasonably and sensibly; the ex will be the one the judge is unimpressed with.

Augusta crossed wires yes I do agree from pov of leaving him without a leg to stand on and being in good gavour with judge it makes sense to send the letter to his sol when the OP is ready.

But also think GP visit will be worthwhile too as it is always worth getting the distress caused recorded.

The GP sounds like a good 'un OP.

Glad you got support from your GP, OP.

Thank you Biblio.
Your post about re framing the way I think about and present giving the solicitors the evidence was very helpful btw.
When I get the negative result, and when I am ready in terms of feeling protected by the Police, ie he has been issued harassment warning and / or arrested, and I feel safer, only then will I will contact the solicitors with the evidence, but also stating that there was NO need nor requirement for this to be given in law, and that he has NO evidence ever that:
a) if I was pregnant, that I would stop him from having a relationship with his child, as he is aware, my DD has always had regular contact with her Father, they and we have a positive relationship and I have never been negative about DDs Father or his parenting, because that is in the best interests of DD.

b) that I would hide or conceal a pregnancy, or stop a man from having a relationship with his child. This is absurd, and only serves to evidence further his controlling behaviour and mental health issues, S referenced in the continuing harassment emails they have been cced into by him, in addition to their letter.

I will also add that I found the process invasive and distressing, and further evidence of his bullying, emotional abuse and harassment of me, and that any further contact from them or from him will result in my taking action with the relevant authorities, including The Police, Resolution, and the SRA.

Glad the framing thing helped.

Sounds like a good plan. Your decision about the timing sounds absolutely right.

I would suggest leaving out (a) and (b) as you don't want to give him any hooks to reply to. Don't start justifying yourself - it can seized as an invitation to further dialogue. The last paragraph is key - keep the attention on that.

To add that I am still scared of doing it though, and there is a difference between sooner or later to my mind. Because later means he might have moved on....I just don't know

I totally get why it's scary. It's really hard to tell from the outside if someone is brooding on an issue and getting themselves more and more wound up, so sooner is better than later, or whether they're getting slightly bored and ready to move on, in which case better to leave it.

To be properly definitive, the bloods may need to be taken twice with, iirc, a gap of 48 hours. That way the HCG levels can be shown to be dropping.

I had to have that done after my 2nd MMC - in fact, I had to have them done 3 times as the 2nd time didn't show much of a reduction, so there was still "hope"

Was thinking about you today (well, yesterday, now!), BuzzPop - I think today the police were going to arrest him?

Hope we haven't heard anything because he's gone all quiet. That'd be a miracle nice.

Thank you for asking after me preemptive
The Police, to my knowledge have STILL not done anything, they were supposed to issue harassment warning letter as a minimum this week, and /or bring him into station to question him and take his phone etc
Victim Support did ring yesterday and said it had been discussed at a multi agency risk meeting, Marac or some thing, and this was from the first report to Police. When I updated her, she said she would take it back to that group as it had escalated and I am potentially at higher risk, and referred me to a solicitor for advice, and someone to come and look at home safety etc
The Solicitor rang today, he said I qualify for legal aid, and because the last incident was mid March, he could still go for an ex parte non mol order, on the basis that I've lost the baby since (hence the delay) and that this will be done next week.
He says he has got 100% record in having them granted which makes me feel a little more positive that I will feel safer when it is granted.
Re the legal letters from ex about the pregnancy, he said ignore. If / when he challenges the non-mol after it has been granted, obviously he will, and will say he is only pursuing due to believing that I am still pregnant, then the judge will know that I already informed him And will simply ask me 'are you still pregnant' I will say no, and it being a court of law, the judge will accept that as the truth without requesting proof ( and even if he does ask for proof I went to the docs earlier this week and had bloods done today so they will be available if requested)
I feel much more comfortable and protected with doing this rather than it hanging over me until Ocfober, and giving the proof to judge NOT him or his solicitor, which puts me more at risk.

Prettybird sorry for your losses
I'm hoping bloods will show low enough that pregnancy wouldn't be deemed 'viable' (hate that word)

Brilliant update OP. Glad to see you got proper legal advice.

Thats amazing.

OP.
Glad you got a good sol. Marac is also good. Hopefully the police will pull their finger out too.

Excellent progress, buzz

Thank you

The Police rang today. Said they will only issue harassment warning, as when the harassment was at its worst I replied to every message with Leave me alone until eventually blocking (then he moved to other methods).
Apparently I should have done it once then not responded so it now can't be classed as a crime. Hindsight is a wonderful thing...I have absolutely no faith in them to keep me safe and thank goodness I am not pregnant and expecting them to.
Solicitors also rang re legal aid, I will probably have to pay, that pisses me off also, not because they shouldn't be paid for their work but because I have to do this because of his behaviour and the Police failure to protect.
Sorry, not a good day today, so very angry with the whole situation.