no longer pregnant, abusve ex pursuing me/harassing via solicitor

[buzzpop]

Please see my other thread on relationships 'please help me make sense of this' been through hell with ex, Emotionally abusive, bullying and very very controlling. Was pregnant, no longer am. He does not believe me, wants proof and continues to harass, police are involved too. My post below, WA suggested to post here in legal, Any thoughts reply welcome. I do not what to give him proof s this may put me at further risk from him, and also I know I do not have to legally, but I don't know what he will do next...

A letter from solicitor came via email today, no doubt he is blind copied, and exactly seven days just as he said in his last threatening emails.
I am shocked this family solicitors is proceeding as they are copied into my response to his threats stating he is continuing to harrass me and all further communication will be given to the Police.
It basically repeats what he has said in emails, that I 'allege to no longer be pregnant' , that this has come as a shock to their client because despite difficulties in the relationship with me, he was very happy at the news that he was to become a father, and to assist him in accepting that he is no longer to be a Father, please provide some documentary evidence from the hospital or your doctor to confirm you are no longer pregnant. Once our client has sight of this, he confirms he will not contact you again.
Understandably our client needs to be sure that the information you have provided is correct, as f you are having his child, he is keen to be fully involved both in the pregnancy and to be fully involved with his child following the birth.
We hope you will understand the position our client finds himself him and your cooperation would be appreciated.

I'm livid, torn between

• reporting it to Police as evidence of further harassment and letting solicitors know (though they already know this from prior emails that he CEO them into and I responded to stating it was ongoing harassment and would be forwarded to police)

• completely ignoring, not responding at all ... But I do not know what he will do after that....

The Police are being rubbish, still haven't arrested or done anything at all to him despite three separate reports and statements, I have to do a three hour round trip at the weekend to give in all my evidence to an officer who frankly, sounds like he sympathizes, and I didn't get good vibes off when I said I was no longer pregnant as a result of what has gone on... Originally I didn't want him arrested, but I do now. I've had enough, I want him out of my life and I want him to know he doesn't get to do this to women.

Some GPs will charge for writing a letter so reply to his solicitor asking for confirmation that he will pay that fee.

Good idea.

Thank you for your responses, really kind, I'm not sure how to link to each.

I was referred to a solicitor for the emergency non-mol order via the domestic violence worker referred from midwife, so I could go to them. I do not get legal aid though and so the thought of paying out for ongoing ridiculous letters to appease him does not appeal, he has lots of money and will continue, because he wants access to the pregnancy and to evidence things post birth.
When he was told I wasn't pregnant, his immediate response was nastiness and threats, not oh Buzz, what happened, are you ok, rather, you are lying, you will provide me proof and I will take you through the courts.

I cannot give him the evidence, nor will I. I am frightened of what he will do as a result, his behaviour is erratic and I do not know what he is capable of, I am unsure where this is continuing indirect control of me, or because he wants to be near me because of the pregnancy. Also, why should a woman give that to a man like him? He is a bully and has put me through hell, he will do this again.

The letter is a pdf and from address stated in the OP so I do think is genuine

I will let Police know

If I ignore the letter ( and let them know there is harassment etc) can he force me through the courts? Because he will, if he can...

Also, don't report the solicitor to the Law Society. Just because they have a less than desirable client does not mean in any way that they have breached professional conduct rules. You do realise that solicitors have a duty to act in their client's interest even if the solicitor privately thinks the client is being a dick.

Very unlikely to be a friend who is using firm email/letterhead. You would be reprimanded for that sort of thing.

Seems like he has legitimately instructed a solicitor. As I said before, you should get a GP letter to confirm. Otherwise he will think that you are lying and keep you under surveillance for the next few months. You aren't being asked to supply all your medical notes. There is no infringement on your right to privacy here because you are simply backing up something you already said. As collaborate said.

Sorry, some cross posting I have just seen. Thank you I will give your advice some thought.
To confirm, I am not lying, I am not pregnant.
But I will not let him bully me anymore, I just won't.

But you don't have to provide "evidence".

A two line letter from the GP will suffice. "I can confirm that OP is a patient at my practice. I can also confirm with her permission that she is not currently pregnant. No further information about Ms OPS medical history will be divulged at this or any time in the future. "

Don't provide medical proof.
Don't respond.
There is no pregnancy therefore there will be no baby and no way for him to legally harass you. That's the end of it in law and as such the solicitor is pissing in the wind (and they well know it, but will be happy to take ££ for writing pointless letters)
There is nothing he can do to you now

Yes there is, he can keep harassing her with letters for the next 9 months!

And even after he can harass her for proof she never gave birth and gave it up for adoption or some such insanity.

The guy is nuts. I'd shut him down pronto.

No, he can't take you to court to force you reveal anything. However, it would put you in a stronger position regarding the harassment if you were able to offer proof of not being pregnant. I know that morally, it's not right that you should have to prove it etc but I cannot see how offering proof can make the situation worse for you.

If you ignore him, he will get angrier. The police might sympathise with him and decline to pursue charges or they might turn around and tell you to just apply for a non-mol. If you applied for a non-mol, the judge might say 'well why can't you supply a letter?' It would look better for you if you could say 'well, I have proved that I am not pregnant and he is still harassing me' rather than him alleging that you are lying and trying to keep him away from his unborn child.

I really can't see how you can be concerned about the repercussions of confirming what you have already told him but not be equally or more concerned about the repercussions of ignoring him.

Force you to what? I'd sit back and ignore. If you get a court summons that's one thing but right now you're not obliged to do anything. Take some power back because that's what it's all about.

Good grief. I cannot belive people are advising OP to get a letter from the GP. Ex-partner seems to be exhibiting coercive control yet again, and that is illegal. Bowing down to his demands is the last thing she should do. Solicitor seems to acting against the law society code of conduct and assisting in ongoing harassment.

When i had my 7 MCs. I'm not sure i even had an iota of official proof to show that i was no longer PG for any of them (think i might have had a discharge note from hospital for one of my evacs, but of course this wouldnt apply in many cases because hospital admission isnt standard post mc). And am equally sure that abortion clinics don't issue proof either (probably hand out a standard leaflet aftereards i imagine). That means OP is likely to need GP to test her for pregnancy even if she were willing to go that route, and i cant imagine many GOs agreeing to that, given underlying reasons. I think if i were a gp i would advise her to go to a solictor, the police or the local press.

Saying all of that, I'm not a practising lawyer specialising in family law - would be interesting to see what a specialists' take on this would be?

I would be tempted to send him a pot of piss, via his solicitor with a note saying "feel free to carry out your own tests to confirm that I'm no longer pregnant".

But that may not help...

I am a family law specialist although currently non-practising but have 6 years post-qualification experience working in family law. I believe Collaborate is also a family law specialist.

Look, as I said, he can't make an application in respect of an unborn child. There is no legal duty on her to provide the information at the moment. If it were me, I would provide a letter (if he pays for it) because it makes him look more unreasonable if he then continues to pester her and may assist her if she then applies for a non-molestation order.

It's up to the OP what she does of course. However, by ignoring him, I think he will convince himself that she has something to hide and will continue to contact her. I am not convinced that the police will do very much. But if she wants to ignore him, that is completely up to her.

The solicitor (from what the OP said the letter said) has not breached any Law Society protocol. Sending a letter to an opponent is not 'aiding and abetting harassment'. If you take instructions from a client to send a letter, you send the letter, regardless of your personal view. Equally, do you really think that the ex has sat his solicitor down and said 'I have been harassing this lady for months, can you please help me do it some more'? Of course not. The solicitor's letter does not threaten any legal action because there is no legal action to take. Trust me, he will have been advised of this.

She doesn't have to do anything. But remember that everyone who is jumping on the bandwagon about sending him pots of piss doesn't have to live with this situation, the OP does.

Hi buzz, been following your threads and am so very sorry you are having to deal with this utterly shit excuse for a man. I just retread your old thread, and you said this:

I told him there is no law that says I have to give him proof and i will forward this email and any further communication to the police as evidence of his ongoing harassment
His response
You are correct, there is no law but if you are telling the truth, there is no reason you wouldn't provide evidence, on the basis that I would leave you alone as the result.

The paper trail is clear and precise and we are now not talking about the pregnancy but custody. Please feel free to share this with the police but I am just a father to be, trying to get a clear answer. , as per my prior mail, if Buzz hasn't provided evidence as requested within 7 days, please proceed as discussed.

On this basis: ignore him. You have told him you are not pregnant. He has chosen to not believe you. You do not owe him proof. Given his history of abuse and bullying I think you'd be best to leave him to spend more money on solicitors. You have proof that you told him you are not pregnant. He's trying to bully you and control you, and let him try. It will only cost him money, and that is NOT your fault. You have told him the score, and that should be the end of it. Forward everything to the police just to keep their records up to date.

If you do feel like responding to the solicitor, send something like:

"As previous communication with the cockwomble is seemingly insufficient, please take this signed letter as my proof that I am not pregnant. This is, by law, more than sufficient."

You could always send him the urine sample suggested by a PP

for you. I hope you're bearing up in the circumstances.

She doesn't have to do anything. But remember that everyone who is jumping on the bandwagon about sending him pots of piss doesn't have to live with this situation, the OP does.

Running, I think it's just a little comic relief in what is a horrid situation. Sometimes being able to imagine something funny helps a little. Think it, joke about it with friends, then deal with the situation in the appropriate manner. I wouldn't read anything more in to it, I certainly didn't.

Clearly it was not a serious response: it even included the caveat that it 'may' not help. But the OP's ex is not being proportionate in his actions either. It was more a foil to demonstrate the ridiculousness of the situation.

Sometimes, thinking about doing something completely inappropriate (such as sending a urine sample to an ex) can raise a smile. And given how much crap she has been put through, and that I'm not a legal specialist, a smile is not a bad thing to offer someone.

I agree with runningincircles.. If you get a non-molestation order the first question the judge will ask is why haven't you provided proof you are no longer pregnant and responded to the solicitor's letter?

A non-mol is not a dead cert. When I got one the first thing the judge said was, 'You had better convince me this matter needs a non-molestation order because from what I can see there is no way I will be granting one today' because there was no violence. It took my barrister and myself a whole day until 6pm with files of evidence by which time it was agreed.

Also I didn't find it that helpful in a way. It fueled my ex's anger and he found other ways to harass me eg reporting me to the police and social services. It also cost me a fortune. As he wasn't allowed to contact me, he wrote tons of emails to my solicitor which cost £7.50 per email to be read and £15 to be responded to.

If there is a chance he will back off with proof, I think it's worth it. If he continues to harass you and you want to get a non-mol at a later stage, then I think you will have more of a case.

The less stressful option for you is to give him proof.

Yes, of course I realised that it was not serious. I actually thought it was funny myself... But I still think that it's very easy to say things like 'stand your ground' and 'don't give him anything' when you are not in that situation yourself.

As Snoopydo says, judges will often take a lot of persuading to grant a non-mol. You might get lucky and the police will help you, but in my experience they will tell you to get a court order rather than taking any action.

He has assured you via his solicitor that he will stop contacting you if he gets evidence from the GP. If he does not keep to this, you have some strong evidence in support of a non-mol order. If you ignore him, he is likely to continue.

I realise that maybe this is not a very empowering response, but I would do it for an easier life. Or if you decide not to, at least realise that you are unlikely to receive adequate protection from the police.

Agree there. Police wouldn't act in my case either until I had the order.

Hi - I am just signing in the agree with collaborate, runningcircles and snoopydo.

I just have limited experience with ultra-unreasonable people and would agree about the importance of having a court order in place to make things nice and clear for the police to act.

He has very clearly stated, through a solicitor, that he will leave you alone, in writing, so if you provide 'proof' then he has drawn himself a very clear line in the sand. If he steps over this, then it is very clear evidence that he is being unreasonable and will help you get that court order. He has backed himself into a corner. It will also add weight to the less clear evidence.

Would a sexual health clinic be able to help? You just need to POAS and have a piece of paper with your name on confirming that it is negative. They need to know nothing about your medical history and are used to being confidential. It will also not link back to your medical records, so that you or your medical history cannot be traced back from the doctor's name.

He has not asked for any why's and wherefores, so does not need to be given any further information in order to be bound by his own statement, just the confirmation that you are not pregnant on that date.

I am not convinced he will go away after this either, but it is an important step in getting that all important order. If he does go quiet, keep everything filed in case he does step over that line in the future.

All very depressing re the non-mol order, useful to know though as I know he would hound re contact with solicitor because it makes him feel important and justified and he can flash his cash to get what he wants.

Re the piss pot, it did raise a smile thank you, and I have not much to smile about right now. Someone else suggested sending a ST ( sorry for tmi)

Thank you all for advice, it is really useful. I am so emotional right now, and really really angry inside T what's gone over the last three months, and very recently, so I know now isn't a great time to respond at all to the solicitors or re the letter.

I'm not going to bow to him at the first letter though, absolutely not. He is a bully, and a coward, and I am stronger than him, especially now that I am no longer pregnant.
He is unable to not have control of the situation and to not have a resolution on his terms and timescales, well tough shit, I have told him the truth, I have to live with it, and so can he.

I Get how abusive this situation is to you buzz
How dare he bully you, not believe you, demand proof from someone else urgghh I've been there my ex never believed me and demanded proof of whatever I said, any small thing was just blown out of proportion because he could not just take my word for it oh no it had to be qualified by another. I was soooo ground down by it all. Part of the who,e abuse cycle I was in.
What if everyone on this thread who wants you to provide proof would support you if you demanded through a solicitor evidence of his state of mind, mental health ?
How the hell would he respond with the fact that a solicitors letter would ask for a psychiatric assessment of him as the amount of harassment he is subjecting you to is not normal?
I dunno perhaps I'm projecting here but wouldn't it be great to be s fly on the wall if he got that letter!
Please go the non mol way and try and detach easier said than done I know

OP it's not a question of bowing to him, it's a question of removing his reasons for contacting you.

If you provide the solr with proof (letter from gp etc) and he wants the solr to write again he will be told he has no basis to do so.

Letter you described sounds genuine to me and its phrasing also makes clear they are dependent on your cooperation. IE no legal action can follow a refusal.

Entirely up to you but it would be simplest to give him his "proof" and look like the reasonable (and harassed) one in the process.

You could definitely suggest they pay your costs for it.

If you ignore you will probably just get more letters. It's awful stress.

But if she provides proof she isn't pregnant isn't he then going to insist on proof of how this came to be? I don't think I would want to produce medical 'proof' Op. It's just going to open the door for more questions.
I think I would simply state again that you aren't pregnant and that you're not prepared to give an abusive man your personal medical information.
If he then wants to waste his money around the due date trying to prove there is a a baby that he has a 'right' to then he can.