no longer pregnant, abusve ex pursuing me/harassing via solicitor

[buzzpop]

Please see my other thread on relationships 'please help me make sense of this' been through hell with ex, Emotionally abusive, bullying and very very controlling. Was pregnant, no longer am. He does not believe me, wants proof and continues to harass, police are involved too. My post below, WA suggested to post here in legal, Any thoughts reply welcome. I do not what to give him proof s this may put me at further risk from him, and also I know I do not have to legally, but I don't know what he will do next...

A letter from solicitor came via email today, no doubt he is blind copied, and exactly seven days just as he said in his last threatening emails.
I am shocked this family solicitors is proceeding as they are copied into my response to his threats stating he is continuing to harrass me and all further communication will be given to the Police.
It basically repeats what he has said in emails, that I 'allege to no longer be pregnant' , that this has come as a shock to their client because despite difficulties in the relationship with me, he was very happy at the news that he was to become a father, and to assist him in accepting that he is no longer to be a Father, please provide some documentary evidence from the hospital or your doctor to confirm you are no longer pregnant. Once our client has sight of this, he confirms he will not contact you again.
Understandably our client needs to be sure that the information you have provided is correct, as f you are having his child, he is keen to be fully involved both in the pregnancy and to be fully involved with his child following the birth.
We hope you will understand the position our client finds himself him and your cooperation would be appreciated.

I'm livid, torn between

• reporting it to Police as evidence of further harassment and letting solicitors know (though they already know this from prior emails that he CEO them into and I responded to stating it was ongoing harassment and would be forwarded to police)

• completely ignoring, not responding at all ... But I do not know what he will do after that....

The Police are being rubbish, still haven't arrested or done anything at all to him despite three separate reports and statements, I have to do a three hour round trip at the weekend to give in all my evidence to an officer who frankly, sounds like he sympathizes, and I didn't get good vibes off when I said I was no longer pregnant as a result of what has gone on... Originally I didn't want him arrested, but I do now. I've had enough, I want him out of my life and I want him to know he doesn't get to do this to women.

I am a professional- not a lawyer but a social worker. I understand domestic abuse. I believe that this man is continuing to abuse this woman and is using the threat of legal action to do so. The most empowering thing she can do is to refuse to engage. He has no legal rights over her or her body and he is pissing in the wind.
Providing proof that she isn't pregnant is demeaning and unnecessary and it won't stop his abuse - the next step will be demanding to know if she had a termination. The emotional abuse will continue regardless; by r fusing to engage she retains an element of power.

I agree with Vince.

I also agree with Vince.

I think it's best to get a GP letter saying - one line - "x is my patient and she is not pregnant".

Because, as his solicitor says, once he has sight of this, he will not contact you again. And if he does, it will be him in court.

If you don't provide this proof, I think a court may see you as obstructive. All the abuse he has dished out has been cleverly done so he can perfectly well appear as Mr Reasonable in court and paint you as hysterical, difficult and malicious as he sees fit. Abusers are careful, they don't leave proof!

Mr Reasonable: our relationship broke down whilst OP was pregnant but I was nevertheless very excited to be a father and keen to be fully involved and supportive. When I was told OP was not pregnant, I asked for proof because I did not want to potentially lose contact/knowledge of a much wanted child. OP refused to provide proof. (Appearance: Gold star, halo for super dad to be)

Why did you not provide proof: I did not have to. (Appearance: Cruel)

Sigh
pinkcan is right, shit and all as it it.
One line letter: OP is not pregnant.
Signed, GP.
Although I am with the many others hating the fact that this letter is to be written, I acknowledge that it is written is the best way to address this knob moving forward. And you have have given yourself ammunition and defence for future action from him.
He is a knob. Make no mistake. Well rid.

Op, how are you doing?

I also agree with Vince. It doesn't matter what OP does or says. He'll carry on asking questions.

Don't provide medical proof.
Don't respond.
There is no pregnancy therefore there will be no baby and no way for him to legally harass you. That's the end of it in law and as such the solicitor is pissing in the wind (and they well know it, but will be happy to take ££ for writing pointless letters)
There is nothing he can do to you now

This completely. Do not give him a letter from your GP. He will immediately come back with some other stupid request because his strategy will have worked- he got you to respond. he controlled you.

Ignore the letter. ignore any other letters. ignore him. Change your phone number if necessary. Ask a friend to take any letters he sends you. Have his emails diverted to a special folder so you don't have to read them.

I urge you to buy the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Beck. It explains exactly how stalkers/obsessive controllers work. The only way to get rid of them is to cut off their oxygen - your response to them is their oxygen,

From the other thread which buzzpop mentioned in her OP, the relationship was new and the controlling behaviour only manifested itself once she was pregnant and was centred in the pregnancy. She also said she feared he was stalking her activities in cyberspace, and in the earlier thread there were several posts suggesting she lied about the pregnancy ending.

So I think that a very brief letter from a HCP confirming that the pregnancy (EDD October) has ended might be the crucial step to take. As pointed out by legal posters here, it's going to be easier to secure an order against him (if there are future attempts at contact) now his solicitor has said there will be no further contact once it is confirmed there will be no baby.

So I think that a very brief letter from a HCP confirming that the pregnancy (EDD October) has ended might be the crucial step to take. As pointed out by legal posters here, it's going to be easier to secure an order against him (if there are future attempts at contact) now his solicitor has said there will be no further contact once it is confirmed there will be no baby.

I think this would be true if you were dealing with a reasonable person who just wanted confirmation about the pregnancy. he isn't reasonable and is obsessed with her and the non-existent pregnancy. In my opinion giving him the GP's letter will achieve nothing except prolonging his obsession. he will find something in that letter to respond to and demand further information on. I would bet against him saying "right so, no pregnancy off I go". he has said that to his solicitor but that doesn't make it true. He needs to be completely and effectively ignored.

I actually think he is potentially quite dangerous. It is absolutely not normal for a man to demand a doctor's letter from a woman to prove she isn't pregnant. The police should be taking this seriously.

If we lived in a world where all a previously pregnant woman has to do to keep father away from her life is to deny a child has ever been born, and do so without any proof whatsoever, what a sad world we'd live in.

A refusal to go to a small amount of effort and provide that proof will be viewed with suspicion by a judge.

OP - can I suggest you as MNHQ to post this in AIBU? That's the kind of advice you seem to be attracting.

I'm not a legal person, I've unfortunately had a lot of involvement with courts and lawyers and judges.

Op I know you don't want to but sending a letter from a hcp will be the surest route to you regaining control.
Your ex thereafter can't send you anymore letters, he has no right to know anything further his 'rights' end with the fact you are not having his child.
Right now in the eyes of a judge you're refusing to allow a caring father information about his future child.

Once you've provided a one line letter to show there is no baby he has nothing on his side. You're in control and you can get the non-mol and I'd certainly have him arrested and not give a crap, if he dares to continue harrassing you.

Surely though pregnant or not she does not have to tolerate harassment?
My worry is as vince said if she confirmed that there was no pregnancy there would be a barrage of 'what happened'? What next? Can you confirm if this was termination or MC? Why answer one question and not the next (which there will be without a doubt)
I'd bet my life 'sending proof' would not be the end of the matter. For a minute.

Then it's harassment, he has no right to access medical information about the op

It's important that OP is seen the be reasonable. It's not unreasonable for a person to want to know if they are going to be a father.

I'd do as the solicitors on this thread are advising.

What's unfair is not unlawful.

The reason to confirm there is no pregnancy is to remove all possible cause that a reasonable person would have for any future contact.

The expectation that he will then act in a reasonable manner (ie desist) may well be misplaced, but it is likely to be considerably easier to demonstrate this (as others have said) if he persists beyond this.

Thank you for your posts and advice.
There were red flags prior to the pregnancy, it all happened very quick though, and the it escalated when I was pregnant, it was a very scary time, I can't quite believe what happened, I'm struggling to come to terms with it all. If he did that to me in three months, what on earth will he do in the future.

I will read each post over again and particularly grateful for the advice from legal specialists, and from those that clearly understand the nature of a man like this, who I do not believe will give in with his control, it is not in his nature, as per posts by Vince etc which particularly resonated. I also was taken with the Lewis Carroll reference advice, very apt.

It does not feel right to me to give him this information when I have informed him of the truth, and I doubt very much he will leave it there, he is about control and bullying.

And you are right, he has always been very careful with his 'clear and precise paper trail' as he puts it ensuring the abuse was done over the phone or face to face, so yes I have no doubt a judge could be swayed by this...and he would be vilified, what a bad person I am after all, isn't that what he always told me, and so it continues.

Re the non mol order, I am not convinced this would be effective in any case from posts earlier on, so I do not see it as a case of I go to the GP, explain the situation, ask for a test and a letter and then he stops. I'm angry at just the thought of this, how emotionally stressful after what I have just been through, the thought of anything pregnancy related is a massive trigger at the moment, I'm still crying all the time, my hormones are all over the place, and again, why the fuck should I do anything to appease him, after everything I have lost.

So I guess, after all the advice, I have to come to the reasoning that I can only do what I stand by, what I feel is right for me in this situation, and it is not to give into a bully, who thinks he has a right to make me prove things, and by doing so admitting that I might be a liar after all. I'm not a liar, I didn't deserve this, and I will not give into him.
It will be evident in October when there is no baby, and before when there is no growing bump. I have to live with that, and so can he.
Apologies if I come across angry, I am...so so angry with him, with the situation, the horrendous three months, and with the loss.

I think you are doing the right thing. In my opinion.
I'm sorry you are having such a shitty time

Surely any judge would think her truthful word was good enough?

People don't have to go around day to day providing proof of their word.

Wot Vince said.

If you provide the evidence he is asking for , you are dancing to his tune OP abs once you have danced, he will try to make you dance again.

As long as he gets a response, he will carry on. It doesn't matter what that response is.

You need to close him down, either by ignoring him yourself, or by paying a solicitor to put him straight once and for all that you are not PG and not entering into further correspondence.

The question will be asked at the non-mol hearing. Just tell the court you're not pregnant. End of.

Good luck

PS. I am a former family lawyer and also a stalker's victim.

I should add that the legal advice here has been very sound and I am very grateful for it, no I would rather not move it too AIBU, that is not why I posted.
This is how I feel now, I may feel differently in a month or whenever, if the harassment continues and I feel providing the proof is the only route left to get him to leave me alone. I think it's just to raw right now

But she's already told him he's not going to be a father. He has been told. He has no right to demand proof. The onus is on him to prove a baby exists if he thinks there is a baby for him to have contact with. He's going to look completely mad if he makes an application to court for contact with a non existent baby - and the op has evidence that she informed him there would be no baby months before the supposed due date.
Honestly - just ignore. If he ramps it up to the point where he threatens you, or you have reason to believe he is coming to your home or work place then go back to the police. For now, just file the communication in a safe place and ignore.

((((buzz))))

Take care of yourself, love.

Plus surely if he did drag her to court once he thinks the baby is born then all she has to say to the judge is "the pregnancy did not progress past 10[or whatever] week".

I very much doubt any judge will make her elaborate, and even if they did ask her to, the answer would be none of your damn business "That's private medical information that I won't be sharing".

Aye, all the best Buzz. Bad things sometimes happen to good people. Sorry you've had this twatballs to deal with