Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

[hippygirllucky]

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

Perfect response. I totally understand being disappointed.

He didn't tell you that it would be childfree so you were looking forward to it.

I had similar with a cousin recently and I just told it as it was: we can’t leave a baby overnight (it’s an out of town wedding) and have no childcare options outside of my parents who will be at the wedding. My cousin sent a curt reply which was basically ‘I’m not thrilled but fair enough.’ Job done.

Lol at “classy wedding”. You poor deluded soul. 😂

I’m sorry OP. I got disinvited to my sisters wedding because my step mother didn’t want my 7week old son close by because he would be a distraction to my dad (DS wasn’t invited neither was my partner and I was more or less ok with that as it was a tiny wedding, but DP was going to have him nearby so I could feed him a couple of times) and it feels like shit. You feel really excluded. I think worse with a tiny baby you are so in love with. I wouldn’t go, personally.

Busybutbored is exactly right, and most people agree with them.

They're not the poor deluded soul here.

I think child free weddings are fine, but if you don’t want children there you have to accept you are also excluding parents who for whatever reason want to prioritise time
with their child over attendance at your event.

I know what the poster means. It's also the issue of 20 kids take up a lot of space, that's 20 adults other friends you potentially can't invite.

Kids at our wedding was a major issue, where do you draw the line with friends kids? 16 yos 18 yos?
If we'd invited every cousins kid and friends kid we'd have ended up with 35 or 36, from new babies to young adults.

@Busybutbored I'm guessing you said no children from the outset though? Fine to not want kids at your wedding, not fine to invite them then retract the invite a month before. Retracting invites is rarely a classy thing to do!

We didn’t have kids at our wedding but then most people didn’t have them yet. It did end up with me falling out with my (slightly weird) cousin but we did give her 18 months notice so it is what it is. I get why it’s difficult for people and this does seem like short notice.

I doubt he'll be very very upset upon aren't going. He's pretty much made that decision for you hasnt he?

I don’t think he will be upset that you’re not going- he’s actively lied to you about the venue. If he cared about you going he’d have made arrangements for you to bring your baby.

Nice suggestion. Very diplomatic yet to the point.

That’s so sad for you and not right to do that one month before the wedding. Honestly if you are that close I would be 100% transparent and say that you are upset and you have checked the venue and children are allowed so you are hurt that capacity has been used as an excuse and the invite rescinded - and then say if the child can’t come you won’t be able come.

Expressing hurt and upset is perfectly fine, and something that people need to get comfortable with because how do things ever get dealt with otherwise? It doesn’t mean you have to make a big deal about it, get angry etc. but people are allowed to have emotions. Also, having attended four sibling weddings in the last two years, weddings aren’t just about the bride and groom and telling you one month before, lying etc. is just not on - I’m sorry but close family especially, spend money, time and take on mental load and are allowed to care as well. Yes, the majority of things you do suck up, but you don’t have to suck up everything and this culture of absolute individualism around is really damaging to the community aspect of weddings and celebrations.

Stand up for yourself op. Sending lots of love x

@CraftyIrishMamma

i don’t think they are the poor deluded soul on here…

plenty of people want child free weddings

get over it

Don’t ever be this much of a dick to people you love and with whom you want to maintain a relationship.

Honestly I loathe childless weddings but this response was embarrassing to read.

I’m also a fan of @Katey83’s response - take the baby anyway! What are they going to do? Most people will be very happy to see a baby there.

@hippygirllucky

Op why don’t you just leave your baby with your partner and then you can go to the wedding? It sounds like you’d really like to be there

@Roadtrippingroundgreece

errrr that’s a terrible idea

most people couldn’t care less to see a baby there - they are there to see the bride and groom marry.

and most importantly the bride and groom
have specified that they don’t want a baby there. It’s their day and their wishes/preferences are waaaaay more important than OP’s.

Yup

@PortiasBiscuit
i have been to plenty of child free weddings and none of them have been remotely miserable - they have been fab!

@SecondtimeMama29

well all of those things can happen

can you really not see why a bride and groom
wouldnt want a baby crying as they are saying their vows?! Not all parents can be trusted to take their child out straight away. even people with kids wouldn’t want that.

They are actually lying to you about the venue, I would be tempted to say, 'I checked if the venue was baby friendly and had facilities and they assured me it was fine, before I accepted the invitation, very disappointed they have changed their policy, sorry we won't be able to come, but have a great day.'

@LuckySantangelo35

Agreed. It's why we had no children at ours but feel guilty now we have two as we said no to our two nephews who were only 8 months! 🙈

@LuckySantangelo35 most people I know fawn over babies, and every wedding I’ve been to where there is a babe in arms there is usually someone who is holding them. What are they going to do…kick her out?

I'm in similar situation OP but my child is 5. It's a friend's wedding and we all live a long way out from each other so they hardly get chance to see me or my child. They've never expressed much interest in my child but other friends have had her at their wedding and it's been a really nice opportunity for them to see her. I'm honestly really hurt that they don't want her there, and that's what it boils down to, they don't want her there It costs barely anything for a kid that young to attend a wedding and no venue would dissallow kids. It's so sad as well because tbh weddings for adults are a complete yawnfest but my 5YO would absolutely love it. Tbh it's the final nail in the coffin for this friendship group. I won't be lifting a toe to keep in touch in future.

It's a total ballache ITO childcare too. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've left my kid with someone else for the night. Tbh if I'm going to go to the effort of arranging overnight childcare I want it to be for us to enjoy some time together doing what we want to do not going to some stinking wedding out of pure duty

I personally would say a flat 'hell no' to anyone who expects me to go to a wedding without my bf infant. I think that's the risk you take if you don't invite kids. I think as the wedding host you also have to accept that childcare plans can and do fall through and you can't moan about it if it means people have to pull out last minute.

Don't overthink it OP. Just don't go if you don't want to

Deep breath, it's unlikely he's done this in a deliberate and painstaking way to piss you off! Maybe he doesn't understand the realities of having a baby, that you can't just leave them, esp if BF. Or maybe they know loads of kids, and decided on a blanket policy so it wouldn't be too full of them.

I'd say you can't leave DC - she needs food and your boobs would explode throughout a whole day without BF! So he has both of you or neither. He might just find a way to make an exception for you.

Personally I think child-free weddings are rude and inconsiderate - parents can easily decide for themselves if they want to leave DC at home. Kids are people who are in the family/friend community - just leaving them out is shitty.

On the other hand, you can wait a few years until he has kids and get smug then!