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Original poster

Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

454 replies

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 03:08

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

OP posts:
HipHipCimorene · 03/05/2023 10:54

How upsetting.

If I was drafting a reply I would say it how it is.

‘We are sad that xxxx isn’t invited to the wedding. I understand it’s a capacity issue, just to remind you she will be in our arms..Does that make a difference as she won’t be taking up a chair or a place at the table, so we re a little confused about the issue.

We were really looking forward to your wedding but if xxxx can’t we will look for someone to care for her and maybe I could pop in out out to breastfeed. It’s all a bit confusing at the moment and now such a rush to sort out. If I cant find anyone i will let you know.’

I’d leave it at that and see what happens.
Obviously you can’t go and run in and out feeding the comment is just to push home this is a baby….not a capacity issue and They’ve let you know really late..( outfit bought, money spent etc etc ) . Maybe they will change their minds.

Could it be OP the capacity issue isn’t about your baby it’s because they have too many people and are assuming this will be an easy way to reduce numbers overall.

Or maybe someone doesn’t want to be upstaged by your beautiful baby.

I really dislike child free weddings ( even tho yours is hardly going to be running around). However it’s not like your baby is going to be running around knocking the cake over.

ps. Hope you get the money back on the present.

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 10:55

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 10:42

I’m also a fan of @Katey83’s response - take the baby anyway! What are they going to do? Most people will be very happy to see a baby there.

I think you're fooling yourself. No one wants to see a baby at a wedding. No one. It's the very last thing anyone wants at a wedding. And if you turned up at mine, you'd be marched straight out. It's CFers like you who demand everyone has your baby shoved in their face, that are precisely the ones that don't leave the ceremony if the baby starts screaming. Its CFers like you that are the very reason child free weddings are a thing.

CrotchetyQuaver · 03/05/2023 10:58

But it's not a childcare issue really is it? This is about a baby who relies on its mother for feeding.

I would just say no it's simply not possible for palm the BF baby off on someone for the wedding even if it was an option. One of mine would only take milk from the breast until she was 10 months old, the option of leaving her behind was not possible and nobody was prepared to put up with the screaming until I got back anyway, can't say I blame them either

Derbee · 03/05/2023 10:59

They’ve been clear with their decisions. So I’d be clear with mine.

I don’t like the first reply asking for leeway, and making it about childcare.

Like fuck would I be leaving my breastfed baby, regardless of who was around to look after her.

“Ah, that’s a shame. We were really looking forward to your big day! We’ll be thinking of you guys, and I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful day. Look forward to seeing the photos x”

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 10:59

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 10:55

I think you're fooling yourself. No one wants to see a baby at a wedding. No one. It's the very last thing anyone wants at a wedding. And if you turned up at mine, you'd be marched straight out. It's CFers like you who demand everyone has your baby shoved in their face, that are precisely the ones that don't leave the ceremony if the baby starts screaming. Its CFers like you that are the very reason child free weddings are a thing.

Show quote history

@Roadtrippingroundgreece

yep, this!

weddings are not about babies! They are about the bride and groom.

Honestly can two adults not have one bloody day in their lives where their wishes/preferences are respected?!

Sugarfree23 · 03/05/2023 11:03

@Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow
It might be one 5yo to you. But you don't know how many cousins or friends kids exist on the other side.

Your 5yo could easily be one of 20 or 30 kids who potentially warrant an invite, and that's just not feasible for most weddings.

Yes a 5yo won't cost much to feed but throw some older kid into the mix and you are paying for a lot of adult meals.

C79 · 03/05/2023 11:03

I’m not saying I agree with not having kids but it’s their big day - they spend it how and with whom they choose.

My reply would just be thanks for letting me know and enjoy your big day x. (No need to over explain anything else IMO).

SunnySaturdayMorning · 03/05/2023 11:04

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 10:42

I’m also a fan of @Katey83’s response - take the baby anyway! What are they going to do? Most people will be very happy to see a baby there.

I’d turn them away.

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:05

@LuckySantangelo35 if you say my original reply then you will see I said not to take the baby, but also said I liked the other response. And the issue isn’t around having child free weddings, it’s the way it’s been done, lying, inviting and rescinding the invite and doing it one month before.

People are allowed to have differing opinions…

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 03/05/2023 11:05

Don't go. One of my best friends had her half sister getting married and demanded she come without her baby. She pointed out that the wedding was hours away and there was no one to look after baby as they'd all be at the wedding. Half sister couldn't understand why she didn't want to leave the 3 month old with her DHs parents who had 1) only met baby by face time because 2) they live abroad! Her family piled on some pressure for her to come, yet none of them could think of a reasonable childcare plan (her DH was working away so wasn't going to wedding anyway). She didn't go, half sister was pissed, but she didn't like her anyway 😂.

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 11:06

Puppers · 03/05/2023 09:57

🙄 We get it; you feel very aggrieved that OP did not state her child’s age. But it's not your place to police other people's language. Plenty (myself included) would refer to a 16 month old as a baby. Mine isn't a toddler; she doesn't "toddle" yet.

It doesn’t actually matter anyway. Her whole family was invited by name and now, one month before the wedding, her child has been uninvited. The age of the child is really not that important.

Show quote history

Would you call your child a babe in arms though?

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:08

@Neopolitan how am I a CF 😂Am I the one taking a baby to the OP’s cousins wedding?? 😂People really need to relax on MN and get over themselves

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 11:10

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:05

@LuckySantangelo35 if you say my original reply then you will see I said not to take the baby, but also said I liked the other response. And the issue isn’t around having child free weddings, it’s the way it’s been done, lying, inviting and rescinding the invite and doing it one month before.

People are allowed to have differing opinions…

@Roadtrippingroundgreece

err yes you did!
you said -“ take the baby anyway, what are they going to do turn you away?” (Which a lot of people would actually lol)

Americano75 · 03/05/2023 11:11

So they've uninvited your baby and lied about the reason? That's really snidey so It'd be a hard pass from me.

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 11:11

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:08

@Neopolitan how am I a CF 😂Am I the one taking a baby to the OP’s cousins wedding?? 😂People really need to relax on MN and get over themselves

@Roadtrippingroundgreece You agreed with a person who suggested they 'just turn up with the baby anyway'. Who agrees with that message, unless they are a CFer?

Hankunamatata · 03/05/2023 11:13

How old is the baby?

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:15

@LuckySantangelo35 clearly you have not read the initial response I posted and are looking for a fight. I also said that I liked the other posters suggestion…I hardly think her own cousin is going to march her out. Most people have more important things to worry about on their wedding day…like, hm…getting married.

Next thing someone is calling me a CF saying I wouldn’t take a baby out if it was screaming, and that I’m the reason childless weddings are a thing 😂I’m responding to this particular scenario with my opinion.

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:16

@Neopolitan insulting someone because they liked someone’s opinion is CF behaviour. People have different opinions to you in life…that’s absolutely OK, you aren’t the most important person in the world. Now please leave me alone, this isn’t my thread.

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 11:17

CrotchetyQuaver · 03/05/2023 10:58

But it's not a childcare issue really is it? This is about a baby who relies on its mother for feeding.

I would just say no it's simply not possible for palm the BF baby off on someone for the wedding even if it was an option. One of mine would only take milk from the breast until she was 10 months old, the option of leaving her behind was not possible and nobody was prepared to put up with the screaming until I got back anyway, can't say I blame them either

How often will a 16 month old need breastfeeding?

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 11:18

Hankunamatata · 03/05/2023 11:13

How old is the baby?

16 months currently.

Bluebellsarebest · 03/05/2023 11:18

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

Yes, agree

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 11:18

IT IS NOT A BABE IN ARMS!

JanetheObscure · 03/05/2023 11:19

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:05

@LuckySantangelo35 if you say my original reply then you will see I said not to take the baby, but also said I liked the other response. And the issue isn’t around having child free weddings, it’s the way it’s been done, lying, inviting and rescinding the invite and doing it one month before.

People are allowed to have differing opinions…

This.

The point is that the little girl was suddenly disinvited, at short notice, making it difficult for OP to attend.

OP - you appear to have two options:

Go, leaving your DD with DH. Assuming the wedding is relatively local and that at nearly 18 months, she can cope without breastmilk for a few hours.

Don't go and enjoy your day at the zoo. Child-free weddings are fine in my book and every couple has the right to choose. However, they have to accept that invitees with children might not be able to come. In your cousin's case especially, as you've been given such short notice.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/05/2023 11:19

@Roadtrippingroundgreece

You just said it again! That you think that just turning up with the baby is an ok thing to do:

”I also said that I liked the other posters suggestion…I hardly think her own cousin is going to march her out. Most people have more important things to worry about on their wedding day…like, hm…getting married.”

why can’t op (or anyone in that situation) just respect the brides and grooms
wishes for their WEDDING DAY and not bring her baby? Just go along with what they want for ONE day. Afterall - The day is not about op, it’s not about the baby, it’s about the cousin and his partner and them getting wed.

oh and they could well be asked to leave on brides and grooms instructions by an usher of whatever. How embarrassing…

Neopolitan · 03/05/2023 11:19

Roadtrippingroundgreece · 03/05/2023 11:16

@Neopolitan insulting someone because they liked someone’s opinion is CF behaviour. People have different opinions to you in life…that’s absolutely OK, you aren’t the most important person in the world. Now please leave me alone, this isn’t my thread.

I'm not insulting anyone, I'm not the one insulting brides who say they don't want children by saying stuff it the opinion of the bride and groom don't matter, go anyway. That's what you're doing. Opinions are one thing, but when you support someone turning up without an invite and ignoring their wishes, then that is CF behaviour, and it's insulting, rude and selfish.

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