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Original poster

Upset that daughter isn't invited to wedding. Talk me down, please!

454 replies

hippygirllucky · 03/05/2023 03:08

I can't sleep and need help getting my emotions in check. I am very close withy cousin, who is soon getting married. I had kids quite young and will be the only person at the wedding with a baby (who is also still breastfed so I can't just leave her at home) and pretty much the only person my cousin knows with a baby. I've had a message tonight, one month before the wedding saying they can't have my daughter there because the venue doesn't allow kids for "capacity reasons". I've checked the venue website, it says kids very welcome and under 5s will be catered for for free. She wouldn't need a seat, she'd be in my arms.

I know it's his wedding and absolutely his choice but I am still hurt. Decided not to message back until I got my emotions in check (I don't want to sound like crazy kid-obsessed mother!). I guess I'm just really disappointed because I was really looking forward to the wedding and I'm a bit sad that we're now going to be excluded just because we have a child. Everyone we might be able to leave her with will be there at the wedding, so we wouldn't have childcare and DH and I have agreed that we just won't go.

Because I'm still so upset, I just can't get my head right to write him a response that doesn't sound butt-hurt (a plain and simple short message won't do either because he'll know I'm upset and my little family being the only family to be excluded just because we have a child!). Could you please help me draft a response that doesn't sound butt hurt but still sounds familiar? But something that also sounds like our decision is final (he's going to be very very upset at us choosing not to come). Thanks in advance.

(P.s just to say, I am 100% not against child free weddings, I totally understand why people feel that way, I just wish he hadn't lied and this is my first time being excluded from a family event because I have a child and I am struggling to balance me immediate emotional response with my more rational understanding of the situation!)

OP posts:
Fupoffyagrasshole · 03/05/2023 09:34

16 months??

why can't you go on your own!

Sosadsolangafter · 03/05/2023 09:34

User63847484848 · 03/05/2023 07:07

Yes how old is the baby? Don’t think you’ve said

'baby' is going to be 18m old, so a toddler. Not a newborn, or a babe in arms.

User63847484848 · 03/05/2023 09:36

Lol
not my definition of ebf if they’re having food aswell!!!”babe in arms? Deliberately misleading OP

Sugarfree23 · 03/05/2023 09:37

@hippygirllucky
Is this your brothers wedding, where your DH is Best Man and you think DB is in an abusive relationship?

SVRT19674 · 03/05/2023 09:38

Well, I wouldnt have a dilemma here. "Hi cousin, due to the change in rules we can no longer attend. Hope you have a great day" and go to the zoo. (I prefer zoos to weddings, anyway). And would not entertain any other message about this. But then, when I make a decision it is very final and over and done with.

Moveoverdarlin · 03/05/2023 09:42

A newborn won’t need a high chair or any food so the stuff he’s said about capacity is BS.

However, a 16 month old will need a high-chair and food and will have to sit through speeches, a ceremony etc. It’s a very different kettle of fish.

If he is 16 months, I would leave them with Dad and you go to the wedding with your whole family and have a lovely time.

Nothingisblackandwhite · 03/05/2023 09:49

I think he is being unfair to leave it this closed to exclude you , if you are close I imagine he knows fully well all your family will be at the wedding . Maybe he is doing it on purpose to cut costs and that way doesn’t have to pay for you ? I hope that’s not the reason .
Personally I would reply something along the lives of “ unfortunately as I’m sure you can imagine I can’t leave a baby with a stranger and since she is breastfeeding she can’t be left away from me very long , this means we cannot attend . I wish you all the happiness in the world bla bla bla .

QuizzlyBears · 03/05/2023 09:49

PortiasBiscuit · 03/05/2023 06:09

Is there anything more miserable than a child free wedding?
These are family occasions the family should be there.

Yes. Weddings where children cry and ruin the ceremony, where they run amuck, where parents can’t enjoy themselves because they’re focusing on their children behaving, where children are monopolising the photography or the dance floor with their ‘cute’ antics, or where people leave early because precious child needs to go to bed. Not everyone thinks small children add joy and the couple can do exactly as they please for their day.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 03/05/2023 09:50

I wonder if they've just been to a wedding which was ruined by a small child crying? If, as you say, yours would be the only baby there (really, they have no friends with small children AT ALL?) it may have made them suddenly decide that they don't want that on their day, which is why they've left it so late.

Kentlassie · 03/05/2023 09:50

Annoying to change their minds, however 16 months is a walking, talking toddler not a babe in arms.

DH’s sister is getting married in July and I can’t go because they have said no children (we have 3 including a baby).

Sugarfree23 · 03/05/2023 09:51

@Moveoverdarlin baby's are still people and do count towards a venues capacity.

Worse case scenario and they need to empty the place because of a fire. I wouldn't like to stand up in court and try to argue that a venue wasn't over capacity because of a baby.

IsItThough · 03/05/2023 09:54

Don't say childcare, say breastfed and therefore you cannot leave her for that length of time. Then the childcare pestering cannot happen. Very rude to invite and rescind.

horseyhorsey17 · 03/05/2023 09:54

Often - in my experience - people who have child-free weddings don't have any idea of the ballache this causes for the people with kids they invite. One of my relatives had a child-free wedding on a school night in a city miles from my home, so I couldn't go to that even though I still felt bad about it. My sister had a child-free wedding in bloody ITALY - well it was one way of cutting the guest list in half anyway. Since having kids herself, she now rants about how 'selfish' child-free weddings are.

I wouldn't take too much offence OP. Your cousin probably doesn't realise that he's just chucked a massive spanner in the works. You're completely within your rights to say 'sorry, can't get childcare so can't make it, have a nice day' though.

Pushmepullu · 03/05/2023 09:55

For pp saying someone may have suffered a pregnancy loss and that’s why the op’s baby can’t go, will this woman not go shopping, not go out just in case they see a baby? I’ve suffered 3 losses and never did I feel resentful towards a baby or its mother just for existing.

Puppers · 03/05/2023 09:57

GCWorkNightmare · 03/05/2023 08:55

She’s not a baby……..

Show quote history

🙄 We get it; you feel very aggrieved that OP did not state her child’s age. But it's not your place to police other people's language. Plenty (myself included) would refer to a 16 month old as a baby. Mine isn't a toddler; she doesn't "toddle" yet.

It doesn’t actually matter anyway. Her whole family was invited by name and now, one month before the wedding, her child has been uninvited. The age of the child is really not that important.

broadbeanquiche · 03/05/2023 09:58

Pushmepullu · 03/05/2023 09:55

For pp saying someone may have suffered a pregnancy loss and that’s why the op’s baby can’t go, will this woman not go shopping, not go out just in case they see a baby? I’ve suffered 3 losses and never did I feel resentful towards a baby or its mother just for existing.

That isn't the same thing. A wedding is a joyous occasion focused on the couple. All I'm saying is that OP needs to consider there more she isn't aware of going on. That or her kid is annoying.

IsItThough · 03/05/2023 10:03

Ohm she's 16 months. Ah - that isn't a babe in arms, she would need a seat, she is more likely to need to move/make noise etc etc.

They've fucked up, either with planning or communicating with each other, or you.

Can't come, no suitable childcare, or you go on your own OP, if its the rest of your family there you could still have fun, no?

Tracker1234 · 03/05/2023 10:03

I missed the bit as the op said babe in arms! 16 months is a completely different issue

Sugarfree23 · 03/05/2023 10:04

Pushmepullu · 03/05/2023 09:55

For pp saying someone may have suffered a pregnancy loss and that’s why the op’s baby can’t go, will this woman not go shopping, not go out just in case they see a baby? I’ve suffered 3 losses and never did I feel resentful towards a baby or its mother just for existing.

I definitely went through a phase of struggling with other people's newborns when I was LTTTC, a particularly low moment was feeling jealous when a cow 🐄 yes and actual cow, gave birth on the telly - I look back and laugh now but at the time there seemed to be babies everywhere.

Nordicrain · 03/05/2023 10:05

FurAndFeathers · 03/05/2023 03:18

You aren’t choosing not to come. You can’t due to childcare issues.

“hi cousin, oh that’s so disappointing, we were looking forward to it. Sadly if the venue doesn’t allow babes-in-arms we can’t attend as we’ll have no childcare. Do let me know if there’s any leeway in the policy. If not, we’ll be thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful day ! X”

I think this is really good. Doesn't sound "butthurt" at all.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 03/05/2023 10:07

sugarrosepetal · 03/05/2023 09:00

Personally I'd act like I hadn't received the message and just go anyway. Different if your child was of an age to be running about, need a seat and a meal but you will have baby in your arms. I'm a stubborn pita though.

He probably thinks baby will take the attention away from his bride.

You can be a “stubborn PITA” all you want. You’d be turned away if you came to my wedding with an extra guest.

SoupDragon · 03/05/2023 10:10

Puppers · 03/05/2023 09:57

🙄 We get it; you feel very aggrieved that OP did not state her child’s age. But it's not your place to police other people's language. Plenty (myself included) would refer to a 16 month old as a baby. Mine isn't a toddler; she doesn't "toddle" yet.

It doesn’t actually matter anyway. Her whole family was invited by name and now, one month before the wedding, her child has been uninvited. The age of the child is really not that important.

Show quote history

Would you call them a "babe in arms" that "doesn't need a seat" though? It makes a huge difference!

OnNaturesCourse · 03/05/2023 10:11

"Hi! Thanks for the message re the wedding. It is disappointing as we were ready and looking forward to the day but unfortunately if the venue doesn't allow babes in arms then we will be unable to attend. *"

  • you could add here "(as all our trusted babysitters will be attending your special day!) but I don't feel it's really needed.

Note - I would feel hurt by this last minute bit of information too, and I wouldn't be attending.

Katey83 · 03/05/2023 10:11

‘Thanks for the heads up -
sorry to say this means we won’t make it, as we don’t have any childcare and I’m breastfeeding. Hope you all have a lovely day, and we can have a drink to celebrate once baby is a bit bigger.’

DangerNoodles · 03/05/2023 10:11

It doesn't matter if the baby is a babe in arms or an older baby who is still breastfeeding, her brother knows how old the DD is and invited her anyway. He should have included her in the numbers, it's shitty to uninvite anyone, especially this close to the wedding.

My DS was still feeding a lot at that age, many breastfed babies/toddlers do. I wouldn't want to leave him either. It's fine to have a child free wedding (provided you don't decide after the invites have been sent!), it's also fine for a parent to decide not to come if thier child is not invited.

Is he always this sneaky OP? I bet it was his plan all along to have a child free wedding, but wanted you to come still, so let you know this late in the day in the hope that it would be too late for you to cancel accommodation, return outfits etc.

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