Really hurt by comments about our family size

[NotaFreeloader]

On announcing my pregnancy I have comments from 4 different people 2 question have I decided to have another just so I ‘don’t have to work’
Another saying we just want a bigger house
Then someone else saying I must not have been careful with contraception- this was a planned baby

For a start yes I do intend to work once the youngest is at school. Whenever that may be and I have a Dh who works and supports us
I don’t want to move we have plenty of room
If I worked now it’d cost the government a LOT for helping with childcare so it’s not that I’m costing ‘the taxpayer’ money

Why can’t people just say congratulations and mind their own business

@TiddlestheCat I agree with you here. We both work ft and the most we can afford to privately rent is a three-bed. Not in a position to get a mortgage. We also get no help whatsoever from government except Child Benefit. Would we ever have five kids? The simplex answer is no.

I’ve read every response throughout this whole thread and I do absolutely know we are lucky to be in social housing and I don’t take that for granted at all. I am aware there are others who struggle more and I do know our situation is fortunate in that we were lucky enough to get this.
We do work really hard though, like I’ve said one of us is in full time employment and I did till recently do volunteerIng which is been doing for 4.5 years and only stopped due to the pandemic and my pregnancy, it’s not that we aren’t giving back and also the children see that working whether paid or not is important
But I really do take on board each comment unless rude or unreasonable. It has made me think about the impact environmentally of carrying on after 5 and I doubt I now will. It’s hard to explain exact reasons why we have so many I do just love children but it’s also hugely related to our families and religion it’s just how it is we both have huge families as well and it’s almost expected to keep having big families and the men work and women look after the children

Op just ignored people!!!
Everyone has always got something to say And they always think they are right.

If we all lived worrying about this and that we wouldn't be living. Enjoy your beautiful family.

I can see why in olden times larger families were encouraged but the reasons to have a larger family don’t apply anymore

OP when was the last time you had full time, paid employment?

I don’t feel it will add anything at all to this thread for me to give my detailed employment history other than to say I have worked in the past (paid) as well as volunteering and at some point I will work again but the finer details I don’t think are relevant

Well youve started a thread on having a large family and people commenting on it, work and finances are integral to the impact a family has on society. I will have to assume you have not worked for a while.

Yes I started a thread about some unkind comments I’d had on announcing my pregnancy on the larger families board.
Speculate as you will I don’t think it is relevant to my OP which wasn’t asking should I have more children just expressing my upset at people who assume things about me and weren’t very nice, and yes faking and friends should know me better but they clearly don’t and are judging me.
I am fully appreciative of the fact we are lucky enough to be in social housing and to receive tax credits for some of our dc, but we also work extremely hard. My life choices may not be for everyone but aside from the comments I posted about initially and a very small amount of this thread we are actually really happy with our life

*family and friends

5 is a lot. Not something I would ever have contemplated, for several reasons. But each to their own.

Why post about it though if you didnt want to discuss why they reacted negatively? You cant post your life online and expect 100% approval.

People disapprove of people having large families when they are no self sufficient because it is everyone else paying for it. Not unreasonable to be disapproving. Although nobody should make 'nasty' comments.

I honestly can’t even believe that one wage covers to pay full rent and council tax. Gas electric and water and food. I find it hard to believe and that’s living in the North. There’s not a chance and that doesn’t even cover clothes and other out goings.

I’m even sure what the point of the thread was I think it’s an insult to say the least

I’m not actually sure why they were so negative that’s why I posted- these are people who know us really well so it was a surprise
It’s not like we are relying on them for childcare for example or have any problems that would make them think it wasn’t a good idea etc?
I posted about being ipsoet about the comments not because I wanted to run my choices past anyone else or have to justify myself which I don’t fee I do hence why it’s irrelevant re my employment history and why I don’t feel I need to give those details.

Yes we get tax credits and yes we are lucky to have social housing BUT there are also a lot of benefits we dont get and we work hard and the children all see that and we feel happy with where we are in life. Maybe that’s my answer. What does it matter what the people I mentioned in my OP said, it says more about them than us

The point of the thread was I was upset about comments made to me

I think your family were negative for some of the reasons others have listed. If you can’t see this well I don’t know any other way to simplify it for you. Just because somebody doesn’t agree doesn’t say anything about them. I may smoke whilst pregnant what does that say about me??
The problem is you expect people to be happy some will and some won’t.

That aside, I do think that you have handled yourself with decorum on this thread, and wouldn't put you into the scrounger category. You give back to society through voluntary work, which is commendable. However, I do believe that your lifestyle is being subsidized by others, but that, perhaps you've been a bit naive of that and the hidden cost to the private sector and taxpayer. Nevertheless, Congratulations.

True, I just felt they perhaps could have been a bit less rude but everyone has their opinion
Maybe I need a thicker skin

Thankyou Tiddlesthecat

I agree with some of the posts about having 5 is being selfish towards the children in regards to financial and emotional support. IMO it's more about thinking about the parents wants than the children. Life is hard and it's getting harder. You have to give a child every advantage as with the continued development of AI and automation there will be.less jobs available and you will need a decent education to get anywhere and that costs. Children might need additional support that isn't paid for or sufficient on the NHS e.g mental health support, what if the single wage earner looses their job, dies, leaves you. If something happens to both parents is there a family member willing to take on 5 children?

Your 5 children will have a far bigger impact on the environment that they have to live in . Every child you have means less for the previous one and you stated that your rent takes half of your husband's salary already. A child deserves quality of life and if you say that doesn't mean hobbies such as piano.lessons what if child 2 could have been Mozart but you told them you can't afford it because of the others. My husband is 1 of 4 and it made his childhood miserable.

Having that number of children whilst being indirectly subsidised by the state is a controversial thing to do. I’m rather surprised you hadn’t realised that tbh.

every child you have means less for the previous one

Not at all!! There’s enough of everything to go round ! They all have activities they’ve chosen themselves too so no hidden talent is going to go undiscovered but I don’t think I have a Mozart here !

@NotaFreeloader Your husband must be on a very good wage!

I’m not actually sure why they were so negative that’s why I posted

And everyone has told you, because of finances and the fact you are dependent on the state.

There’s enough of everything to go round

It's more to do with time than material possessions etc. I'm one of 4. Love my siblings but hated it. Unless you have a 5 bedroom house you always end up sharing even as teenagers. Day trips out are total chaos, you never have time to enjoy anything as it's just a treadmill of making sure everyone is fed/watered/has been to the toilet. There was never enough 1 on 1 time, I dont remember spending any time alone with my parents ever (more than 10 minutes anyway). My possessions were constantly nicked by my sisters, my parents were always late picking me up from places etc as they were seeing to the other kids. I could go on. I've actually carried some of my large family traits into adulthood such as interrupting people as I constantly had to shout to be heard.

That sounds really really hard to go through, I can see why large families might seem a bad idea to you based on your experience.
It’s not what happens here though we go above and beyond to absolutely ensure they have enough time 1-1, and together and it works well, to do so the only sacrifice we make is time as a couple which is extremely limited but we chose to have these children so it’s what we want to do to make sure they are always the priority

Not sure if it helps but I came from a large family and I am still feel sad when I think of all the comments people made about my parents having lots of children when I was a child and a teenager.

The discrimination made me really sad and I still feel sad thinking back.

Just thought I would add that.

I actually don't tell people I met that I come from a large family as just don't want the conversation.

So if I did have a large family I would prefer my children for negative comments so they can be a bit moe resilient than I was.