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Original poster

Really hurt by comments about our family size

351 replies

NotaFreeloader · 08/05/2020 13:36

On announcing my pregnancy I have comments from 4 different people 2 question have I decided to have another just so I ‘don’t have to work’
Another saying we just want a bigger house
Then someone else saying I must not have been careful with contraception- this was a planned baby

For a start yes I do intend to work once the youngest is at school. Whenever that may be and I have a Dh who works and supports us
I don’t want to move we have plenty of room
If I worked now it’d cost the government a LOT for helping with childcare so it’s not that I’m costing ‘the taxpayer’ money

Why can’t people just say congratulations and mind their own business

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MsTSwift · 10/05/2020 09:40

I would struggle to congratulate a 5th pregnancy seems very selfish to me to have more than 2 kids. So many reasons not to principally environmental it’s parents selfish wish for more kids we all pay for it one way or another.

BubblesBuddy · 10/05/2020 10:01

There is an argument to say that we need a certain amount of children because they are the future economic driving force of the country. They will be paying the taxes to keep benefits and everything else tax pays for on track. The elderly have pensions and use the nhs more. Younger people pay for this via taxes. Too few young people and we have economic problems. Italy is very concerned about this.

However we need to spread these DC around. There is a debate to be had that some people who would love children, cannot afford them. Mainly due to housing and child care costs. If we don’t have DC, the jobs we need will still have to be done and we still need the tax! So helping everyone who wants to be a parent might be good for the economy in the long run.

sqirrelfriends · 10/05/2020 10:13

You lot do realise that OP is already pregnant? I don't particularly agree with large families either but all you're going to do is upset a pregnant woman (who probably had a lot on her plate already) who posted on the large families board about having a large family.

BubblesBuddy · 10/05/2020 10:44

Of course she’s not upset! It’s a healthy debate about pros and cons. No board is merely congratulatory. There are two sides to everything and she did post about her economic circumstances.

fatbottomgirl67 · 10/05/2020 11:07

I'm one of 5 - all adults now. Our parents simply didn't have time or energy for 5. We were not neglected In any shape or form but they simply never really knew any of us all that well. 10 year gap between youngest and oldest so we were never very close. We were very independent from an early age. Interesting that none of us have gone on to have a large family

BubblesBuddy · 10/05/2020 11:11

The people opposite us earn I was young had 10. Three were disabled and the 10th died. Put me off completely!!! Just no fun for the older DC at all. The parents divorced.

MsTSwift · 10/05/2020 11:15

Maybe don’t read Doris Lessings The Fifth Child either

calpolatdawn · 10/05/2020 11:37

you know some women on here i hope during pregnancy experience some of the stress and judgment this poor lady, teach you some empathy, some deeply unpleasant people on here.

calpolatdawn · 10/05/2020 11:38

id delete this thread OP you don't need the stress when pregnant, hope it goes well x

sqirrelfriends · 10/05/2020 11:41

@BubblesBuddy, this thread would have had me in tears in her situation.

Raaaa · 10/05/2020 11:58

When people see social housing and lots of children they judge as they think the parents are being irresponsible and live off of benefits, which isn't always the case but it's assumed.

Pinkblueberry · 10/05/2020 12:18

you know some women on here i hope during pregnancy experience some of the stress and judgment this poor lady, teach you some empathy, some deeply unpleasant people on here.

You ‘hope’ that other women experience stress and judgement during pregnancy? What an awful thing to say. I’d say that makes you more unpleasant by far than anyone on here so far.

I agree it’s not pleasant for the OP to read, but I don’t think anyone has been particularly unkind - just honest. The OP didn’t understand why her family and friends weren’t happy for her, I think the thread illustrates it well. People are free to do as they choose, but as a few pp have said if you want a large family on a small income you need to have a thick skin and confidence in your own choices. The opinions people have expressed on here and what has been said by her family are hardly uncommon or surprising. If OP really thought everyone would be jumping for joy at the announcement of her 5th child then she’s been living under a rock and maybe needed a bit of a wake up call. It’s her and her husbands choice and that’s fine - but she can’t expect everyone to be excited for her. Her family and friends know her best, she didn’t get negative comments from random acquaintances on FB. It’s not a nice response to get - most people would just say congrats anyway. The fact that her nearest and dearest didn’t perhaps indicates that they have doubts and concerns about her families’ situation.

LonginesPrime · 10/05/2020 12:37

id delete this thread OP you don't need the stress when pregnant

I wouldn't delete the thread, OP - I would just hide it.

That way, other people who might be thinking about posting a similar question can still search for it and will know what to expect.

The trouble with these threads being deleted is that new posters pop up asking the same innocuous questions about a social situation and get lambasted as there is no record of the kind of responses that social housing residents receive merely for existing.

calpolatdawn · 10/05/2020 12:50

There's some terrible people on this thread, who take pleasure in knowing kicking someone when they are down, the cant cry wolf when someone says they could do with some empathy.

HotSince82 · 10/05/2020 12:52

lynsey91

I find it quite creepy that you in any way assume that an individual person's reproductive choices are in any way 'other people's business'

HotSince82 · 10/05/2020 12:56

calpolatdawn

Take no notice, its just the usual suspects populating the same old threads about family size.

Doris Lessings indeed! How cruel to even mention such a book to a pregnant woman, knowing that the synopsis is readily searchable online.

Some of them really are showing themselves for who they are.

Greenlorry · 10/05/2020 12:57

It’s true though people who even have 2/3 can’t even get their kids in at the same school. So it is quite unfair, classes are full to the brim. Granted this is partly down to the Gov but something has to give when children in the same house can’t get their children all in the same school.

Does the same apply for the panic buyers that they go to the shops first so they are entitled and it’s nobody's business how many items someone buys as they are paying. That is a selfish view to have.

lynsey91 · 10/05/2020 13:55

@HotSince82 of course how many children one person has is other people's business. We all have to live on this already overpopulated planet and, if we live in the UK, in this extremely overcrowded country.

The majority of people with children get some sort of benefit from the government even if only child benefit. Lots also get tax credits and other help. That all costs you know!

I believe the cost of a birth with no problems costs around £5,000. Each child that goes to school costs the country.

It's laughable really (and very sad) that I am concerned about the planet and it's future and the future of children of today and yet to be born when me and DH purposely chose not to have any because of overpopulation.

It doesn't even affect me and yet I care unlike the women merrily having child after child without a thought or care about their lives and futures

HotSince82 · 10/05/2020 14:19

lynsey91

I am not disputing any of your points, yet another person's reproductive choices remain absolutely none of your business.

If they were anything at all to do with you, you would be able to in some way exert influence over them. Thankfully you can't.

I agree with you that it is laughable that you have chosen not to have children due to concerns re the future population of the UK. The birth rate is currently the lowest it has ever been, so your concerns are unfounded, but that's none of my business.

ClaraEccles · 10/05/2020 14:20

Lots of points made already on the finance side of things...

At my DCs school, they as, that we read with our children for 15-20 mins a day. If I had 5 kids, that would be up to an hour and 40 mins reading a day, before anything else.

No way I could fit that in.

ClaraEccles · 10/05/2020 14:20

they ask

Wolfgirrl · 10/05/2020 14:54

@HotSince82and

Well OP has started a thread on a public forum, so it is our business now

HotSince82 · 10/05/2020 15:03

Yes, this particular poster has asked for 'your' opinion.
It does not follow that every woman's reproductive choices are now your business.
I do hope that you understand this, given the context.

JulesM73 · 10/05/2020 15:03

So long as you can afford to look after them all and provide for them then that’s fine

Bluntness100 · 10/05/2020 15:14

I think the op scarpered but I’d have been curious to know the age of rhe kids. Based on the comment she is trying to avoid work.

Often you see families have another baby just as the last is due to get 30 hours nursery or into school thus preventing work for another three to five years for the stay at home parent.

This family are already struggling financially. They can’t afford meat, they live off the fathers wage, and soon there will be seven of them doing so. If the rent on his council house is half his wage, then he’s not a high earner.

In addition she says they have been in that house since the first child. So At a max it’s three bedroom, so seven of them in there. Not plenty of space by any means,

Children take a lot of time, emotional and educational support on. It’s hard to give that to five.

The people who have commented to the op know her. We do not. But the people who know her, this is what they think. You’d have to ask why.

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