Starting the journey thread 3

[squirrelnutkins1]

Don't want to lose touch so new thread ready x

I’m sorry @GreyC. I found the pregnancy announcements and social isolation as a result so difficult. Sadly there is nothing to make the situation any easier, but please know that it is ok to feel this way x

Thanks I’m ok.
Joys of this infertility lark.

@greyC That's really shit, completely get how you feel. It's like you are getting left behind or just stuck in time. And I have the same problem with getting upset, it kills DH because he sees it as his fault. I think you have to have a cry once in a while though together. How is he doing at the mo? I'm sorry about your friend, and yes I am treating it like bad news because humans are complicated and one person's good news can still feel like someone else's bad news, and its hard xx

I saw my best friend and her 4 month old yesterday. I can't get over how even the most down to earth friends seem to act like I couldn't possibly understand what it's like when you have a child - even when I'm completely 100% okay that she can't keep in touch because she has too much to do and is just too tired to cope, they all still build a barrier like her and her friends with babies are one side and I'm the other side. Just because I haven't experienced something doesn't mean I can't empathise, it just makes me feel like she's already put me in the "Never having kids" pile and it's crap. I don't say anything though, because she probably isn't thinking and acting straight because she's so tired and frustrated... see, empathy, bitch! Lol.

In other news, I start my drugs tonight!! Drug number 2 (Fyrenadol? Fyremadel? Something like that) from 15th, next scan on 20th, I reckon 22nd or 24th for ec. Here we go again! 😁😖🙂😯🤯

That’s exactly how I feel @cloudsway.

I’m now on one side and they the other. Funny thing is I’ve probably had more experience with kids than them as I’m god mother to three children - one since I was 19 and I’ve always been active in their lives.

I think what is hard is DP wants a break from anything this year. So I’m stuck in limbo; waiting and watching. NHS won’t give me a HSG so we are going to get one done privately hopefully as that test was never done. And as DP thinks we could get a miracle this year by just trying again for another year, after failed IVF - I want to make sure everything’s ok.

So much luck for you for this cycle. All my fingers crossed.

Thank you for replying. I really needed to speak to someone who gets it.

@VenusStarr all the very best for your appointment tomorrow x

Thanks @squirrelnutkins1 unexplained infertilty, straight to ivf 😑 I genuinely think I've hit rock bottom (before this appointment). I've been unwell all weekend, lots of flashbacks (first proper af since my op) plus I got horrifically baby bombed on Saturday and my therapist cancelled on me. Struggling to process anything. We'll ttc until the letter comes, he thinks it'll be 6 months. No answers for my miscarriages - all bloods were fine. So even if I can get pregnant again, naturally or through ivf, I'm petrified I'll lose the baby again. I'm struggling with there's nothing in between - no clomid or iui. We get one fresh cycle. It feels so overwhelming that this is it. Luckily I've been saving, so can probably afford one private cycle too.

How are you @GreyC? I'm sorry you've been struggling, I get it ❤️

@CloudSway wishing you lots of luck 🤞

How are you @BambiOnIce80?

Hope all OK @Anaesthetist83

Thanks for checking in @VenusStarr. I'm ok, bleeding has settled and now 7+4. Managing work and sleep, that's about it, but never felt so happy to feel so bad.

Sorry to hear times are still hard at your end. It sounds like you ovulate, so clomid not of any use, and I don't really rate IUI to be honest. Even though we had a complicated IVF cycle, it wasn't "that bad". It may be that the drugs help you to achieve a more receptive endometrium. I hope you are able to start fairly soon.

Hope the drugs are going well @Cloudsway

I was shocked too when we had to go straight to ivf.

I’m ok; plodding on & trying to enjoy things xx

Glad you're OK @GreyC. Dh said that I've become so absorbed in being pregnant or not being pregnant - essentially project baby and not much else. I'm going to try to live over the next 6 months, I don't know how yet but I'm not enjoying life at the moment. What are you doing that helps?

Glad you're ok @Anaesthetist83 so pleased to hear all is progressing well 😊 do you have any more scans?

@VenusStarr
so sorry straight to ivf has come as a shock for ☹️ must've been hard to process at your appt and after. How is DH coping with things? So sorry about the baby bomb too, is it someone close to you? I'm gutted for you that they couldn't come up with any answers for your mc's. As humans I think we always need a reason to try and process things so must be really hard. Big hugs xxx

@Anaesthetist83 so glad the bleeding has stopped and things are progressing x

You are all on my mind often

I'm so sorry that you've both been having a hard time @GreyC @VenusStarr ❤️ Having to interact with pregnant people makes this infertility thing feel so, so much worse - I absolutely get it (and go through it).x

Really, really pleased that the bleeding is under control now @Anaesthetist83 😪

Hope you're doing OK @squirrelnutkins1?

Congratulations on getting started on stims @CloudSway! 🤩 How are you feeling this time?x

I had EC yesterday and felt all kinds of awful last night and this morning 🤢 Little bit of a panic that I could be teetering on the brink of OHSS, but I'm feeling tonnes better tonight so hopefully it won't be a freeze all cycle 🤞🏻

14 eggs collected, so we were able to do our split cycle! 🥳 Found out this morning that 4 of the ICSI ones fertilised normally (1 fertilised abnormally and 2 weren't any good once they were 'peeled') and 4 of the IVF ones fertilised normally (1 wasn't mature enough and 2 fertilised abnormally). Given I've been preparing for the worse but hoping for the best all the way through this, I'm bloody delighted so far! 😁 Very much aware that those numbers can be slashed as the days go by though (preparing for the worst and all that 🔮 😏).

@VenusStarr
My DP says that to me too. That I talk too much about others who are pregnant... which I do but I can’t chat to them about how them talking and showing me pictures of their nurseys makes me cry inside as realistically I know il never have my own biological newborn. I’m that friend who my friends turn to to chat about their worried - who listens to mine about infertility - no one really as they don’t get it or brush it under the carpet. Always praying for the little miracle though.

I exercise daily now and continue to eat healthy; most of the time and save money to get myself in a good place October time when we start the adoption process - I am excited about it. But worried how it will affect my DP’s mental health as he does blame himself over this situation.
Another thing is I’ve become abit of a workaholic 🙈 and we are trying to book a holiday somewhere like New Zealand if that materialises.

What about you? What things are you up to?

@BambiOnIce80 Congrats on your (tentative) good haul!! Agree, always best to prepare for the worst but those numbers are great, and strangely satisfying to have such a equal amount of each type 😆😆 Pleased to hear you're feeling better so quickly, these are stories I need on the run up to EC... 😒 bit nervous about it.
MOST IMPORTANTLY did you get to wear the famous EC pjs?!?! 🤣🤣

@Anaesthetist83 Thanks, drugs are going well this time, I feel such a difference to last time - by now not only was I sick of them but felt like my insides were squashed and so queasy! Bit concerned that means I'm not growing any... but I have to find something to worry about 😉

@VenusStarr and @greyC I'm sorry it's such a hard time. I have the problem of lots of pregnant people confiding in me, as you know im an over sharer so ive told half of them my issues, and certain ones I may have nodded and sympathisers... then laid it on a bit thick about my own probs so they feel uncomfortable and bugger off 😂 it's not big and it's not clever, but those couple were not the nicest people and I felt better for a few minutes... but I admit I only have the humour to do that when I'm feeling strong, when I'm struggling I just get through it as quickly as possible xx

In other news, just to equal things out, we just got back from DH having an US! Great news is there are no worrying lumps (thank god) and the god/bad/undecided news is that he has vericocele veins on both testes which may explain the rapid decline of sperm. Obviously we're going ahead with the frozen we have, but it's a glimmer of hope that if that fails, maybe it might not be his last shot at having a genetic kid. Which also immediately makes me feel more relaxed about being responsible for the success or failure of his only chance 🤗😁😊

Glad things are better @cloudsway!

I’m not a huge over sharer but I’m st the point if one more person points out I’m the only one left out my friendship group that has no kids I might just make them feel really guilty about asking me those things!!

The EC was really fine for me; I barely
Had any pain and everyone was lovely. I can’t remember a thing - went to sleep and woke up with a hot chocolate! Apart from the waffle I talked about a high temperature 😂😂

Thanks @GreyC it's really isolating. People around me just don't seem to get it. I'm glad you have things that are helping - I'm struggling with this right now. I'm still following slimming world and am 10lbs down now. I want to get back to the gym but not there just yet. Dh and I are going to play badminton on Friday.
I'd love to plan a break away - New Zealand sounds like a great plan! Part of me is worried about spending money as we'll need all we can get but might need to reframe how I'm thinking about that.
The only real thing that's helping at the moment is doing jigsaws - it's the only thing I can concentrate on and it means I'm not spending so much time on here or instagram and seeing everyone living happy lives and making me feel worse (totally appreciate this is my perception!)

@BambiOnIce80 fabulous news! So pleased that you have been able to do the split cycle, keeping my fingers tightly crossed for you 🤞sorry you were feeling rough after EC though.

Glad things are progressing well with you @CloudSway and you sound very realistic but hopeful which is lovely 😊 love your humour approach to deal with people. I seem to have developed a sarcastic streak 🤔

How are you @FinallytakingtheplungewithIVF?

Thank you @squirrelnutkins1 ❤️ hope you're ok.

Still not sure how I feel about everything. I've got therapy next week and my boss has agreed I can work from home after (strongly suspect I'll breakdown so nice not to have to worry about seeing anyone after). We're seeing the rmc at the end of February, not that I'm expecting anything different really. I think if I hadn't concieved last year the ivf route would absolutely be what I'd be expecting to do now as we're well over 2 years ttc now. Hearing how you guys are coping with it definitely helps me feel less anxious. I think having some time to process it and to ttc with a deadline on the horizon is a good plan. Still toying with a second opinion but unsure where to go with that one.

Have a good day x

I hate spending the money tbh - my DP is the driver as realistically we won’t don’t are more ivf.

I do the same with instagram and Facebook - lots of pregnancy announcements or babies. I just keep looking at adoption ones as they keep me going and some of them I’ve started chatting too.

6months will go really fast and you never know really! As my dp says: only takes that one time (haven’t we all heard that before haha!!

Oooh, the symmetry of those numbers was immensely satisfying @CloudSway! 😂 And I did indeed get to rock the EC nightie! 💃It was perfect for the job 👌🏻 Knee length, super soft and comfy (which meant the arms could roll up easily for the blood pressure cuff to go on), and because it has a hoodie I was able to just pop some black tights on, hop into my boots and coat and leave without getting changed! 😄 It gets another chance to shine on Sunday because I need to wear it for ET 🧫 The day 3 update today was that we've still got 7 dividing and doing their thing that are of "good" quality, so they didn't want to ET today. That's tentative good news that your DH has potentially got a cause for his sperm count 🤞🏻 How are your jabs/scans going?x

@VenusStarr I hope your counselling helps next week 💐 Thinking of you often.x

@VenusStarr just catching up i will say one thing about the ivf they put you on progesterone supposetries after the ET and i think it helps the baby 'Stick' not down playing your stress its totally understandable but just thought this might give you a bit more reassurance. Not knowing what caused ur miscarriages must be soo scarey thinking of u hun xx

@BambiOnIce80 Thought of you yesterday, are you all aboard now? Everything crossed for you, hope you're feeling alright, how were the drugs? Side note, did you watch Deadwater Fell? Woman on that is having ivf, just popped down her doctors to have 3 embryos popped in, looked like the easiest thing in the world 🤣🤣 I'm sure your experience was the same.... also she was drinking a big glass of wine 5 hours later so that'll be nice for you! 😉😜

Had my scan this morning, all on track, not so many hundreds of follicles (Which I'm seeing as a good thing) and all pretty standard size, but mostly 11mm so another scan Wednesday and hopefully EC Friday

@venusstarr I hope your therapy helps this week, I know it can be hit or miss but even if you have to have a sob it's great that you are working from home. It's a dazzling but freezing day down here, hope it's nice where you are xx

I do indeed have a single 4AA quality embie onboard, thanks @CloudSway 😘 I watched the first Deadwater Fell and that's totally how we do IVF in Scotland! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 🧫🍾🥂🤣 I'm sat here knocking back a glass of red as we speak! 🍷😂 Excellent news on your scan! 🤩 Sounds like you'll be done and dusted before the weeks out! 🍀🍀🍀 How're you feeling this time?x

Hi ladies, just catching up as I have been quite for a while as I was awaiting another appointment. Happy to say that it was today and we can officially start at next period! @BambiOnIce80 have everything crossed for you!@CloudSway hope everything is progressing as it should be! Everyone else I hope that you are all as well as can be expected going through this.

@BambiOnIce80 Ahhh I didn't know you lived in Scotland! Lives in my fav place with an Italian OH ... wanna swap lives? - I can offer you a tiny semi detached, 3 chickens and some sub-standard sperm? 🤣😉😂 So happy for you, great quality embryo! Wishing you all the luck 🤞🤞

Thanks @Mrsmch123, great news about your appointment! Is it ivf/iui you're starting? Sorry, I have the memory of a sieve 😊

Egg collection today, it was a bit intimidating but the nurses/anesthetist were great, they made me laugh a fair bit. We got 10 eggs 🍳 which I'm happy enough about, but hold your hats because... my husband's sperm improved!! 💃🎉🎊
To recap, he was at 0.017mil with 5% motility, clinic advised we freeze it in case it was at 0 by egg collection. We thought they would use that and it would be our only chance using his sperm, but today his sample was 1.9mil and 6% motility!! This is the first improvement across 5 tests this year, so I'm too delighted with that to be worrying about the eggs - result! 😆

Downside is my lining is a bit rubbish so they advise FET unless there's not enough to freeze, and also I bled quite a lot (get ready for tmi!) and I'm certain I just started the bleeding again with my first horrid pessary 😟😫

I also didn't get to wear my ec nightie, as they had a fetching hospital gown for me instead, booo 😂

@CloudSway it's icsi we are having for Mfi. Fab news about the improvement in your OH's sperm!!what protocol were you on??ohhh do I need to get a "special" ec nightie🤣🙈

Sorry guys, I will be spamming you all the next few days. If my mum was alive I'd have my phone attached to my ear and obsess with her, but unfortunately you guys get to hear it all instead!!

So, 10 eggs collected, 8 matured, 2 partial fertilisation, 2 normal fertilisation. Not ideal numbers. The partial they need to watch until day 5/6 to see what happens. With only 2, they will probably put one back in on Monday, instead of risk freezing, but they were pretty clear that my lining isn't great right now so that's not ideal really.

Feel a bit mixed. Happy that we have anything at all, but the way 4 medical professionals have said my lining has fluid and I would need to do FET doesn't give me a lot of hope for a fresh transfer 😕 I suppose we'll see...