Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

I haven't really been posting (or reading) much as I have been in post uni relax mode. I just want to say hello again and I hope that everyone is coping with the inevitable shit that comes with infertility.

I had a friend, who is pregnant with a 'surprise' baby, ask if I wanted to come shopping with her for all her baby things (they live in the middle of nowhere so will need to buy EVERYTHING). Sure, because who doesn't want to wander around buying baby things for hours when you are as barren as Trump's brain.

Ha! Grin totally sounds like my idea of fun... why do we all have stupid insensitive friends?

I'm dreading this D&C on Monday. Just to add insult to injury they will rescan me again in the morning before the afternoon operation. So I get to see AGAIN how my shitty body and shitty embryo failed me - staring at a black empty sac which I thought would finally after 3 years be the start of our family.

I'm feeling very bitter today. I came so close to having a baby last year and the hospital took that away from me - having had multiple opportunities to identify my pregnancy as high risk and they didn't. I lost my baby and now he's dead in a baby blue casket with silver handles, with scars all over his tiny body and face from the post-mortem, a little teddy bear strapped to his chest (I have an identical one that sits in a trinket box on our mantle piece) and a picture of my DP, his older half brother (DPs son), and me all together, to let him know he had a family who loves him.

Made all the more worse that our lawyers say while we have a case, the hospital know they fucked up, but average compensation payouts are £13,000 for pre-term losses. If we go to court our legal bills would be at least half of this. But I want justice for my son and will do whatever it takes even if that means being out of pocket even more.

I thought I'd get pregnant again easily with more IVF but two failed cycles later (plus all the cost involved in a new fresh cycle) I'm shattered.

I never thought my life would be so shit. That getting pregnant and carrying to term wouldn't be easy for me.

My mum has a theory that the world doesn't need more bankers and housewives (DPs old job and my current status) and that's why we have trouble getting pregnant while women working in rice paddies in Indonesia, feeding the world, are popping out 6 kids in 5 years. Natural selection and all that. Thanks mum

Gin, how very insesitive of your friend. It would be my idea of hell.

Again, what a tragedy to lose your baby. I totally understand that there needs to be some justice. We read these kinds of stories really too much in the papers but behind every story is a much loved and wanted human being who could have made a real difference in the world of his family. I'm so sorry you had to experience this. It must be so painful.

Just wanted to apologise ladies I dropped in on this thread but feel as though I intruded with my story of premature ovarian failure as I haven't been through multiple failures.

Wanted to wish you all luck though. And say you ladies have more strength than the National Grid.

Againplease

Hi sammy, I personally don't think you have intruded. You have had a difficult diagnosis and need to come to terms with that and what it could spell for your future, so to my mind you fit right in. I remember early on in my infertility journey that sometimes others made me like I hadn't suffered enough to 'qualify' somehow - I had great fertility on paper, lots of plans for IVF etc, no miscarriages. I promised myself that I would never do that to others, so please don't feel excluded on that basis.

again I agree with bigger boat, what a load of bollocks your mum has spouted. I'm not surprised you're shattered by everything you've been through. It is especially hard in between finding it you've had a mc but waiting for it to be over. I'm definitely struggling with that as my pregnancy have increased in the last few days. Thinking of you, mc buddy.

Tell me about it tiger and bigger, I don't know whether she was trying to make a joke or what. We are not particularly close these days and even she doesn't really understand what I'm going through.

Tiger, my mc buddy, have you had any signs of bleeding? I've had nothing.Not even painful cramps or anything to suggest I'm about to mc. I spent the last few weeks knicker-checking to make sure there WAS NOT any blood and now I'm hoping to see something. I think my body is holding on to this failed pregnancy although I don't know why!

sammy I don't think you're intruding. Premature ovarian failure is a pretty big deal. I read your earlier posts and that the consultant said IVF probably won't work and you won't be able to carry to term? That's shocking and sad news to hear. Have you started to think about other options or will you give IVF a go anyway?

Thanks Tiger and Again,

I am still coming to terms with things. I can't believe I fell pregnant naturally and then to be told this. I was convinced my fertility could not be so bad.

It really hurts cos, we both don't have kids and DH is an only child. I feel as though I have cut his family tree off. A younger healthier woman would be popping out babies for him, keeping his lineage alive.

Additionally my DH does not want to do IVF because of the rollercoaster of emotions and the amount of drugs I'd have to take (he didn't even like me being in the pill so IVF is way way out of his comfort zone).

Right now I am thinking more adoption possibly to build a family but it is a wait and see. I have to balance everything with my DH. My marriage has been affected as I have become so anxious and obsessive reading about the diagnosis looking at possible treatments etc. DH tries to be supportive , he says he can deal with being childless but not with a anxiety laden, stressed, fertility obsessed marriage.

Its tough.

Pretty much the same here again, no signs of mc. I had an enormous subchoronic bleed so my uterus is basically filled with blood at the moment and I've been spotting and bleeding from
that for two weeks but nothing that's linked to the mc starting. I haven't left the house much for ages for fear of it kicking off. Today I'm feeling a bit braver so we are going to the cinema later.

sammy, have you read It starts with the egg? I would suggest looking at that and maybe following the advanced plan and taking the suggested supplements. Fuck knows if it works but it might help you to feel like you are doing something to improve your chances. IVF is no guarantee - I've had a 2/3 success rate on my IVF transfers and yet all it has shown me is that I now have a recurrent miscarriage issue.

Thanks Tiger have looked up the book! I am buying supplements, its worth a shot! Dunno about DHEA but thinking may as well order them all!

Big sloppy hugs and a massive 🖕 to the universe for the steaming pile of shite that's being dumped on the awesome women of this thread

again just to echo everyone, your mum was very cruel to say anything of the sort. It's so deeply unfair.

A friend from another forum miscarried identical twins (two day 3-ers back, became triplets, which had become identical twins at the 12w scan, but the babies died at 20w) and is, if you can believe it, a midwife. Understandably her experience has left her with incredible PTSD about work. She told me about a woman she had in her unit last week. 32w gone and had no idea she was pregnant. Junkie, obvs. And - get this. SHE HAD VERY STERILISED. Not very well, apparently, but fuck me.

She reckoned we needed to get crack habits, become prostitutes, get a few STIs and we ought to be knocked up within the month. Especially if we're sterilised, apparently.

Even the fucking Denver zoo giraffe had a baby while on birth control

www.nypost.com/2017/03/03/april-the-giraffe-upstaged-by-surprise-birth-at-denver-zoo/

I give up.

*BEEN STERILISED.

Damn you autocorrect

So an old giraffe can get up-duffed on birth control and all the science and money in the world can't help me. I mean give me a break! Fucking giraffe.

Last night Dumbo was on TV so I watched a bit and at the start; all the mummy animals are getting their babies dropped down from the stalks except for the elephant who was looking up at the sky waiting for her baby who wasn't coming and I was screaming and crying at the TV "THAT'S ME!"

Sammy don't think if your DH was with a younger woman it would guarantee him to be any easier. We started TTC when I was 26 (!!!!) I'm now 29 with little hope of having a baby before I'm 30. My OH is 44 (), he was 41 when we started and will be 45 with any luck by the time a baby arrives. Although in my particular area of london fathers in their mid to late 40s with babies and toddlers is not uncommon at all.

I wish you luck and strength with your adoption journey if that's what you choose to do. We have close friends currently going through this. Social services make it incredibly difficult these days - be prepared to attend adoption group counselling sessions and jump through a myriad of hoops. Adoption isn't like it was 40 years ago when a young 18 year old gets knocked up and the baby is taken away straight after delivery. Our friends are currently 1 of 11 couples (11!!) currently being considered for a young child that has come up for adoption and this is after 2.5 years down the adoption route. It's incredibly tough and competitive. Too many loving couples willing to give the world to deserving children but but not enough babies or young children in the system up for adoption.

Please don't think I'm trying to put you off! I'm just saying it's not as easy as it was many moons ago and it makes me SO ANGRY when people say "oh you can just adopt" Really?! Like I can just go to the shop and pick out which one I like and take it home. Argh!

For reference, our friends haven't been put off by the process and will continue until they have adopted 3 children.

Banana it makes me so sad to hear about your midwife friend and the junkie. When I was in labour (before I knew what was going on) I was made to wait in the delivery suite waiting room with women who were full-term and having contractions, waiting to be admitted to the ward etc., and there was a girl opposite me, no older than 20, full term/big belly, on the phone saying how the father of her unborn child is such a cunt and no he's not coming to the birth, and then asked her friend about what benefits she's entitled too if she moves out of her mums house once the baby is born, I was just

Reminds me of when I went for my scan at the EPU. I was bleeding so terrified I was miscarrying (unfortunately I was). I kept looking behind me towards the sonographers but this was in line of a view of a young pregnant woman waiting. She must have been 5 months gone and I became aware of her when she declared that the hospital was "full of foreigners" and she was the only "Brit" there. She started to make fun of the names being called out and because I kept looking in her direction she apparently said " I am going to knock her out if she looks at me again!" I didn't hear but DH later informed me.

So I was miscarrying, having to listen to racist language and being threatened with being knocked out all at the hospital. Not a great day.

Apologies to de lurk, but I have to ask- Sammy - why has the consultant says you can't carry to term? Having low ovarian reserve doesn't mean this as far as I can see. Just that you don't have my eggs...?

Also, sorry I know your fsh is high but again, that doesn't mean you can't get pregnant and it be viable. You were unlucky last time. Doesn't mean it can't happen. All high fsh and low amh mean is that you have few eggs, and not that they are all duds. I speak from experience here. I was told I had low amh and high fsh age 34. I did a lot of research too. Yes it's true you might not respond very well to ivf drugs, but I can't see that it makes natural conception impossible.

Sorry typo first para- just that you don't have MANY eggs (not my eggs...!)

Well Ladies, I am such a professional infertile that I can't even miscarry like a normal woman.

Had scan this morning still showing very small empty sac. D&C posed too many risks as I have scarring from my cone biopsy and the sac is so small that the risks to puncturing a whole in my uterus or something going wrong were greater than normal. My other option is to wait another 2 weeks and see what happens, running the risk of infection to the womb thanks to rotting sac (no thanks), so we have opted for medical miscarriage (not routinely given and only allowed given our history of baby loss) so I have to go back to the hospital tomorrow morning for that. Yippee!

Oh! And there's a 10% chance medical miscarriage will not work and I'd need surgery anyway. Given how lucky I've been in the past up against statistics, I'm gearing myself up for failure.

Massive hugs to everyone here, especially Again, Tigerdog and Bananafish. It's all just so shit and unfair.

As for me, I had a call from the clinic earlier with our PGS results and all three embryos were abnormal. So we're back to fucking square one.

I just feel numb. We have all the paperwork ready for our frozen transfer next month and now there's just...nothing.

I sobbed on my mums shoulder for 2 hours and am now trying to figure out how to tell poor DH the news when he gets home.

Life is a fucking cunt sometimes (pardon my language).

for you all x

Oh ladies am sorry so many of you are having such a shite time. Angelica- truly sorry to hear your news, take care of yourself, I know how that feels and it's hard to swallow.

Big hugs to you all today xx

Thank you ladies. I am coping with love of DH (bless him) and xxx

Shit Angelica my heart shattered when I read your news. That would have been such a shock and disappointment to hear - especially the money spent on the bloody thing too - but I'm happy to hear your DH is taking care of you.

We all know what it feels like to be relegated to square 1 time and time again. Will be thinking of you all evening xx