Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

I'm so sorry angelica, it's just gutting. Glad DH is being lovely. Thinking of you.

That is so frustrating again. Good luck with the medical management - fingers crossed it isn't drawn out for you, and you can get some closure quickly. I don't get scanned again before mine as far as I'm aware.

sammy, I must admit I thought the same as chatty, it seemed very extreme to write off your chances like that. Have you considered a second opinion?

Leaving for the hospital in half an hour, will be glad when this is all over.

Thinking of you this morning, Tiger xx

Best of luck Tiger. It's so shit! At least it will be over soon and you can draw a line over today.

Oh ladies, so much heartache. Words seem so hollow

tiger thinking of you today, hope it goes as well as these things can & you're safely home soon

again keeping everything crossed for you that the medical management does the trick and it's as minimally physically traumatic as it's possible for these things to be

Angelica wish there was something I could say that would be of any comfort, shan't offer any platitudes cos it's just completely and utterly shit whichever way you cut it.

It's the shittest game of snakes and ladders. It seems other people get the ladders and we just get the snakes.

Bollocks to it all.

Hope today went ok for you again.

banana, I think I'm at the point in the game of snakes and ladders where I upend the board in a strop and announce I'm not playing any more! How are you?

Angelica, hope you're doing ok.

Thanks for all the good wishes, it seemed to go ok and I'm just very glad it's over. I've been referred to the recurrent mc clinic, but I'm expecting the wait to be long (they run one clinic a month!) and not much to come out of it. I will self medicate with progesterone anyway, if there is a next time. I've got about 8 weeks worth kicking about! Also going to give alpha lipoic acid a go - have been reading journal articles about it's use in treating subchorionic hemorrhage.

Have been lurking for a few days, amazed at how cruel life is, and thinking what flipping amazing women we all are.
Have been thinking loads about tiger, angelica, again and everyone actually.

We are going on holiday soon before our next round. Actually looking forward to it. Really trying hard to be mindful but have a sinking feeling there is going to be some new close family news soon and I can't really bear it.
It's funny, I actually quite like meeting my friends and family new babies, but I really HATE pregnancy annpuncements.

Anyway, hope those who need it, have a large gin/wine/beer/cake or whatever your chosen poison is. Massive hugs all round xx

Where are you going sanfran? I need inspiration! Definitely in the need for a 'fuck it' all holiday.

Unfortunately I've had the pregnancy announcement already - a very close family member due two weeks after I would have been. Very very pleased for them but know it's going to break my heart to have to see it up close. I find the babies easier when they arrive because I just love them as part of the family but the reminders and milestones like birthdays are hard.

Well... I'm still at the hospital. After two sets of drugs yesterday and being in excruciating pain (helped by 2x paracetamol IV drip and 2x codeine), all I've managed to do is amass a giant headache and pass only the smallest amount of a blood, like the lightest period anyone's ever had. No idea what is going on and looks like I'll be stuck here throughout the day. Really want to avoid surgery as my cervix is battered from previous surgeries and covered in scar tissue.

Oh bloody hell again that sounds awful! Hope things resolve soon. Poor you.

Being sent home to miscarry naturally and if that hasn't happened by next Monday I'm back at the hospital.

God I'm in a shitty mood! I'm not even sad about the miscarriage as the embryo never had a heartbeat, I don't feel like I've lost a baby. I'm just fucked off that I have to go through this and continue on the IVF grind in a few months time.

Sorry to hear that you're still in limbo again. This shit stinks, there's nothing else to say. It is all such a grind.

How are you doing Again? Thinking of you, and you Tiger.

If anyone wants a laugh at the cruelty of the universe, I've just received a FB invite to a secret Baby Shower for my sister, organised by two of her friends 😕. And I panicked and accidentally clicked 'attending'.

The thing that's pissed me off the most is that my BIL gave her friend the list of people to invite, and he is well aware of our issues. It didn't even occur to him to talk to me and give me a heads up.

FML. I hate this. I hate being so fucking high maintenance and fragile. I hate not being able to be happy for my own sister. I hate feeling so empty and desolate but having to put a brave face on.

More gin is required 😢

God that sucks, Angelica.
Do you think you'll go? It probably didn't even occur to your bil - so few people have any idea what it is like to have to deal with this shit, and absolutely no empathy for the pain it causes. My brave face is the only one I have left, after so long of plastering it on!

I am really sore today and still bleeding. Think I over did it by cleaning the house in a frenzy so I'm going back to bed for a nap with the dog. God my life is exciting!

Hope everyone else is doing ok?

Hey all


Massive to Angelica, again and tigerdog, and to all those stabbing, sniffing and who are experiencing the delights of fanjo / bum bullets (select orifice of choice)

The universe has a sick sense of timing. A year ago we lost our baby. A year later we lost all hope.

Any progress we thought we'd made over the last 5 months of working on my lining, sadly came crashing down as we're right back to square one. My period was brown / black spotty gunk, no bleeding - apparently I can only grow and shed lining when I have a copper IUD in. And you can't do a transfer and try to get pregnant with an IUD in the uterus.

Which leaves us pretty much at the end of the road. We're shit outta options. We've tried every possible treatment, but here we are. 

Started stabbing this morning for one last bash at a mock cycle - but unless we get a fabulous lining to do the ERA biopsy, then a receptive result, then a proper bleed, then a decent enough lining to do a transfer, we won't be doing one last FET. There's no point wasting an embryo when my uterus is clearly irreparably broken and can't be fixed.

Sobbed and snotted all over DH. He agreed it looked like we were at the end of the road: we've done our absolute best, asked my uterus many different times in many different languages and given it everything we possibly can. And maybe there isn't gonna be a reason why, maybe it's 'just because'. And that it looks like we're gonna have to do this the more complicated way and see if someone else will help us have a baby.

We need time to lick our wounds, grieve for the loss of hope, try to remember how to feel normal again, get through the gap of nothingness where we're no longer doing treatment (which we've done solidly for the last 18 months non-stop), to try to get to a place where we've accepted the new normal, and feel sufficiently emotionally recharged to begin the next phase. Which is gonna be hard and challenging, and the biggest decision we are ever going to make.

Gotta sell our house to find the six figure sum we'll need to pursue surrogacy. Maybe I should try the crackhead plan and go on benefits. I expect to be pregnant within the month in that case.

Oh Banana, I'm so so sorry, massive hugs for you (and a colossal for good measure).

It's all so unbearably unfair. You've had a long, intensive run of treatment and been so incredibly brave throughout it all. If the ladies on here got medals for courage and sheer fucking strength and forbearance, we wouldn't be able to stand up straight for being weighed down.

I totally get what you're saying about 'the new normal'. We're in a similar situation, trying to adjust to how our life might be given that it's now clear that it's not going to be the loud, rowdy family we had planned.

I think a break from it all sounds like a good plan. Take some time to catch your breath, grieve and try and find some sort of pleasure in life again (that's what we're trying to do anyway).

The spectre of infertility is always there in the background, but I think all we can do is try and readjust our lens, as it were, and try and set the focus on something less painful.

Sorry, I'm rambling - totally not trying to give you advice (God knows thats the last thing any of us need). Just thinking out loud in solidarity with you xxxxxxx

banana what can I say? Life is incredibly unfair and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I hope you find the perfect surrogate and your frosties become beautiful babies. I'm so sorry you will most likely never get to carry your own child and experience a pregnancy to term. Grieve for this and please keep us all updated on this new path. Big big hugs.

AFM, so you all know I went in to hospital to try to medically manage this miscarriage only for it to not work. Started bleeding a day after I was discharged and was back this morning for a scan that showed the sac has passed and I'm about 85% complete - just to expect a few more days of bleeding and passing some tissue. I'm glad a line in the sand has been drawn over this although sad and bitter I've wasted another 3 months of doing a fresh cycle, getting a positive test, and a drawn out miscarriage.

One of my closest friends from back home (abroad) messaged me asking would we consider adoption. I'm so angry people just don't get it. No I don't want to adopt someone else's 3 year old with social and behavioural issues who turns around at 18 in search of their birth parents while shouting "fuck off, you're not my real mum anyway". The alternative is being on an adoption list for years and years waiting for a newborn to be available.

That's awful banana. I am so so sorry. As others have said there are no words. Life is crap and cruel and unfair.

Again, Angelica, Tiger - also sorry to hear all the shit you have been going through.

After all you've been through you deserve better.

I've had a little break from mumsnet and the internet in general as it was all getting on top of me. Feel slightly replenished (ish).

Hugs to you all. And hello to the new folk.

banana, I am so sorry that you have reached this point. I can't express how much I wish it were different for you and a that a simple happy ending was in reach. You sound like you have a very good plan in place to get on with whatever comes next and I admire your attitude. Sending love and strength in bucketfuls to you.

I'm glad things have progressed again. The post mc limbo is shit and I know what you mean about feeling like you've wasted time. I have my recurrent mc appointment in 7 weeks time, and hopefully by then my cycles will be back to normal. Feels like a long wait now, but hoping it goes quickly.

Glad the mumsnet break did you good pepper. I am also taking a break from thinking about all things ttc. Holiday is booked, weekends away planned for all the upcoming bank holidays and stocks have been replenished.

I need a break from mumsnet too I think! There was a thread about 'posting pics of a stillborn baby on Facebook' and the poster was saying how it should come with some sort of warning because it's really quite shocking scrolling through pictures of cat memes and then seeing a dead baby.

I can't deal with these people. They have no idea the hell we go through just to get pregnant in the first place and thinking of the prospect of never being parents and for me having come so close and buried my son only to read shit like this from people who presumably didn't go through multiple rounds of IVF and can hug their healthy living children at night. FWIW I took myself of Facebook a long time ago - I can't deal with pictures of everyone's pregnancy announcements and cute baby photos. My life has become so sad I have nothing to share... maybe a pic of me stabbing my thigh with a Gonal F pen or lying in hospital with a maternity-sized pad waiting to miscarry will garner some likes?

I don't want to bring other threads in to this or bash anyone, just feel this is the only place I can really chat about how isolated and bitter I feel. And that most women just don't understand what we go through on a daily basis. Waking up everyday without the babies we so long for and wondering why it's so easy for others.

I hear you Again - I'm secretly addicted to AIBU but I try and avoid anything that touches on infertility or childlessness. Most posters are sympathetic but it really highlights how clueless some people are about it all. I'm so so sorry that thread upset you so much

There was a (probable troll) thread the other day about a woman who'd bought a pair of expensive Hermes mittens for her baby and sent a bragging pic to her friend, who was (rightly) arsey about it for numerous reasons.The friend had apparently been ttc her second child for all of three months, and posters were saying the op shouldn't be sending pics of baby things to a friend who was experiencing FERTILITY problems!!!!!

Oh to live in a world where 3 months ttc (when you already have one child) qualifies as having fertility problems.

I'm aware this is a hugely judgy, bitchy post but I really don't care

Thanks Angelica. I got really riled up by that thread and had a comment deleted by mn

3 months in and 'fertility problems'? Ha. ha. ha.

These women have no idea how lucky they are.

Hi all,

Mind if I join? I have just been reading all your stories and I am amazed by the strength of all of you. You have all clearly been through hell, yet can still appreciate some gallows humour. I get that, too.

I've just failed my third cycle. We have male factor infertility- husband was azoospermia due to having a cystic fibrosis gene, which causes absence of the vas deferens. So we surgically extracted sperm and had two NHS cycles with ICSI. No luck. We transferred one 'top quality' blast in cycle 1 and it didn't work. Then we transferred two 'very good quality' blasts on cycle 2 and got another BFN. After that, we switched clinics to go private at the London Women's Clinic. They tested my Thyroid and put me on Levothyroxine as my TSH was quite high. They also put me on higher levels of progesterone as I had a lot of spotting with the previous two cycles (in fact, they were scathing of the previous clinic as they didn't bother to increase my progesterone when I mentioned the spotting). They also put me on Clexane for this cycle. We totally thought that these changes would make it work, but it didn't. I started spotting 6 days after my transfer and got a BFN this morning on my OTD.

I just don't get it- why haven't any of our 4 good quality blasts taken?! I'm plagued by this question.

Infertility takes the joy out of everything- I've put my career on hold as I've always thought I'd be pregnant soon, I feel isolated from my friends and I don't enjoy the things that I used to find fun. Luckily, my marriage is still strong, but most of the time I'm just a bitter, pissed off cow. I guess I'm in good company here?

I'm sorry you find yourself here *patientlywaiting. I'm also someone that's put my career and life on hold while going through all of this shit. And yes, I'm really bloody bitter!

Did the clinic say why that lest blast didn't take given you had all the extra tests and a more tailored schedule of drugs? Do you know what your next steps will be after this most recent failed attempt?

Thanks Again. Not sure what the next stages are- we have a follow up appointment in a week or so. We have signed up to a 3-cycle package, so I guess we'll try again soon. The thought of trying again makes me feel sick, though...

Part of me thinks that maybe there is something chromosomally wrong with our embryos. I'm only 32, so I originally thought that this is unlikely, but now I'm not so sure.

Urgh... I guess we'all just play the waiting game again