Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

wishingandwaiting
This is a supportive thread for posters with fertility problems and multiple ivf failures. Unless you are able to post appropriate, sensitive and supportive comments, please leave the thread.

As an aside, I’m not sure what is so wrong with the suggestion you’re horrified at. Are you seriously suggesting that fertile people’s wish and right to reproduce trumps that of those of us who are less fortunate and unable to do so without medical assistance?? No one NEEDS to have 2 or more children, so I don’t see why you say this suggestion doesn’t make sense.

@Wishingandwaiting how exactly does your comment offer support and understanding for those with severe fertility issues and multiple IVF failures? Why would you think that's an appropriate comment to make?

You have two children wishing. Why are you on this thread which is clearly for those who are struggling with infertility?

I’ve reported the post, but couldn’t leave it not commented on.

Before anyone else decides to come and join the thread inappropriately and post shitty comments, I want to point out we have rules here, courtesy of banana

I feel like uber barrens club needs some rules, you'd think they would be common sense but on thread after thread it seems that's not the case

1. The first rule of uber barrens club - uber barrens only. Secondary barrens have by definition graduated to the parents club. Unless you're facing the very real possibility of a childless future, the 9th battalion isn't for you.

2. Second rule of uber barrens club. No false positivity. No 'stay strong, you'll get there'. No 'it'll all be worth it when you have your baby in your arms'. It's very likely we won't get there and won't ever have a baby in our arms, so it's cruel to remind us of our greatest fear, and the reason we're here in the first place

3. If you're a former member of uber barrens club, no trite offering of 'have you tried..?' If you've graduated then members of the 9th battalion are delighted for you, but this is supposed to be our safe space. Just because it worked for you doesn't mean it will for us. This is a thread for support amongst kindred uber barrens. Not well intentioned but unhelpful advice

4. If club members get a BFP then that is fucking BRILLIANT. We know the abject fear of miscarrying. I personally know I'm more afraid of the next cycle succeeding than failing. But uber barrens club isn't the place for early pregnancy scanxiety. If you don't feel ready to join a preggo thread, then why not set up a 'multiple failures but just got BFP and completely shitting it' thread. Hopefully we'll be along to join you soon

5. Repeat. No pregnancy chat in uber barrens club.

Unfortunately prev attempts at a safe space for uber barrens have been pissed all over by flagrant disregard for the above. It hurts. We just want ONE safe space where we can be scared, and hurt, and know that we're not alone

Wow. Nasty and then unrepentant wishing. Lovely. You have no place commenting here, so I suggest you leave. You have no understanding of the pain that people on this thread are facing. This thread is not for people with kids to come and judge others who are struggling and their opinions. Read and think before you make an unwelcome comment.

You also can’t even grasp when someone is making a comment which offers an illustration of how funds might be spent more fairly within the NHS. At the moment, in our NHS, the healthy subsidise the sick, there’s a transfer of wealth between the groups. If IVF funding is pulled, then it follows that the infertile (but otherwise healthy and working) population are essentially subsidising the fertile population who need maternity care. A maternity episode costs around the same as an IVF cycle for the taxpayer, and maternity care costs can shoot up if, for example, a mother is obese and then develops gestational diabetes. Yet this is funded whatever happens and IVF is not. Whilst everyone should absolutely have access to maternity care, this example does illustrate the unfairness of the funding lottery that currently exists. Fertility issues are not what is pushing the NHS to breaking point. It is obesity, ageing population, long term conditions such as diabetes, lack of good GP/primary care to keep people out of hospital. Yet infertile women are constantly scapegoated as selfish and needing to bear the brunt of the shortage of funding. And don’t fucking patronise - someone may be at the depths of despair but we are still intelligent and functioning people capable of a reasoned argument.

Ah, I don’t even know why I’m bothering. A simple fuck off would have been sufficient I’m sure.

@Wishingandwaiting your post doesn't break a single MN rule

It's just a massively dick move

Guys, let's just ignore the troll

This is our safe space for supporting each other, if someone who has no business joining in this thread decides it's a constructive thing to do to barge into a thread of grieving women, and try to start a fight, let's just ignore her

Let's not have the debate here. If she wants to have the discussion, let her do it on another thread

If someone runs into a grief support group to start fight, there might be no rule against it and said person is allowed to do so. But it's a shitty thing to do. If we just don't rise to the bait, maybe they'll get bored and try and pick a fight somewhere else

Agreed banana. Looking at their posting history, they seem to like baiting women without children. They’re not worth the energy.

You’re absolutely right banana.

The repost of the rules has also got me thinking. It’s time for me to step away from this thread too, even though I’ll miss this safe space. It’s not really mine to inhabit any more. I’ll be following you all from the sidelines, sending strength and raging at the dickheads of this world.

Yes, you’re right banana. I agree no point derailing the thread by getting into an argument.

tiger I’m wishing you well. I was going to say I’m hoping you’ll be back, but making assumptions about why you’re leaving the thread I actually hope for your sake you won’t be back although I’ll miss your contributions and posts.

Lol Tigerdog I was just thinking when I read "that" post that I'd just say fuck off! Felt very appropriate. Like the others have said take care whatever your reason for no longer contributing to this thread

On that topic, of sorts, my DH came home last night. He listens to a lot of podcasts. He'd listened to You and Yours (I think it was this one), the whole programme was a discussion on fertility. He was shocked and appalled and the level of diatribe from the people that called in, apparently appalled that NHS money was being spent on fertility. Bless him, I almost didn't have the heart to tell him that this is normal reactions from a good deal of people who are lucky enough not to have any fertility struggles.

I'm having a very low day today, my AF is due which is always a grim time. I'm meant to be cutting out as much sugar as possible and I've just stuffed an aldi equivalent of a snickers bar in my mouth along with a cup of tea. I feel ashamed, why do I do it?

And it’s gone!

Sorry to see you go tigerdog please take care

bridgetjones have your snickers and don't feel guilty. It's not going to make any difference either way. The whole "don't eat sugar, don't touch plastic, only eat with your left hand Monday to Friday" bullshit actually gives me the rage. I totally agree with trying to be healthy when ttc, but once you've got serious fertility issues it's a whole different ballgame. I don't think never having cake will cure my POF for example

In other woo type news... I went to an acupuncturist yesterday for first time ever (don't shoot me. I'm desperate) She asked why I was there. I explained I'm worried about thin womb lining and want to build it up as I'm going for egg donation IVF early next year. Her response? "Oh, so I've still got a few months to persuade you to change your mind"

Just WHY does she think she needs to change my mind? Why is my perfectly valid, agonising decision something I need to be talked out of? It just taps into every fear I have that if I just tried hard enough I could revive my knackered ovaries and three remaining follicles. Bloody hell

Well that was all a bit random! Sad to see we aren't safe from attack even in this lonely corner of the internet.
tigerdog I am so delighted that you no longer need to be on this thread, but of course it's very sad to see you go. Tbh I know you could be trusted not to be a twat but I guess that may only lead to others not understanding the rules. Still hoping to join you on the other side at some point (if I am very very lucky)

isthismummy fucking hell that's crazy

Penny has just dropped as to why tigerdog may be leaving. The best reason to leave🙂

I know zippybear I just told her firmly that the wheels are already in motion and I wouldn't be changing my mind.

She also told me that flying can cause IVF failure after transfer in some cases. Pretty sure that's bollocks?

Isthismummy I went to see an acupuncturist last year and she basically said the same thing! IVF was useless I just needed Chinese herbal medicines & acupuncture and I'd get pregnant. I called BS and didn't go back. I'm pretty sure it's total BS about the flying after transfer.

Afternoon ladies. Feeling royally fucked off and heartbroken today.

3 rounds of IVF, all FETs. Attempt one worked but died at 11 weeks. The last 2 cycles have failed. Last cycle was at the end of August.

AF is 9 days late but just had bloods done (can’t POAS for medical complications) and it’s a no to being pregnant. WTAF is body playing at? As each day passed and no sign of AF, I was hoping more and more for a little natural miracle but nope! Just my shitty, malfunctioning body betraying me again.

We weren't at the same acupuncturist were we bridgetjones1? Telling someone they don't need ivf is so out of order! Part of me suspects it's because they want to make money out of you staying barren and getting desperate for as long as possible

Melbourne Clown So sorry that you're feeling so shit. That feeling that your body is s broken machine that doesn't function is just so soul crushing. I look at women with regular cycles who actually ovulate when they should and I actually boggle at how they even do it! There's just no words to express the shittiness of it all

Isthismummy lol maybe! mine was in Sheffield, and came highly recommended but I just didn't have the right vibe at all. Almost every fertility clinic out there recommends against Chinese Herbal Medicines.

Melbourne Clowne it really doesn't get any easier does it. It's ok to wallow and think that life is shit, I've done that on many many occasions.

I have regular cycles and ovulate bang on time every time, you could set your clock to me. I totally hate and despise my body for not working the way it should xx

Couldn't post this earlier and now I see the pathetic idiot has had both his/her posts removed, but it's surely one of the small pleasures in life when you see a post from a goady fucker bragging that their previous post couldn't possibly be deleted only to scroll up and see the deleted message next to their post.

It's the little things sometimes TammySwanson

bridgetjones1 I hadn't heard about fertility clinics warning against Chinese medicine. My acupuncturist was talking about herbs she can give me if I fall pregnant that will help prevent another miscarriage. I'll have to look into it...

isthismummy. No need to apologise for seeing acupuncturist. I think most of us on this thread have probably tried acupuncture at one time or another, I certainly have.

But bloody hell what an inappropriate comment from your acupuncturist. I mean I’m sure it’s not a big decision which you’ve thought long and hard about and found difficult to make or anything is it?!? I’m quite cross with her on your behalf.

Evening all, still here and reading along just have not had anything constructive to say. Bit meh about everything really.

Got very angry at AIBU thread but saw all your wonderful responses and couldn't have added anything better.

Stupid troll on this thread just adds to the anger eh?

I forgot about the rules. I'm not sure if that's sad or nice that I've been here so long I forgot we even had them. Raised a wee smile though.