Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Ladies thank you, it means so much you knowing how this feels. I am just so sad and angry today. I really appreciate your words xxxx

How are you today mrsfw? Thinking of you x

I am also thinking of you mrsfw. Don't feel obliged to post if you don't feel like it, but I was also wondering how you are?

Thanks ladies, I really appreciate you checking in. Am ok, a bit in that sort of shock state where you are OK but know that you're not really, a bit on autopilot until you break down which will happen over the next few days. I have cried and hands are a bit shaky just suppressing the emotion I guess. My husband is very upset and it's hard seeing him like that.

I went into town and bought myself an expensive dress and will have a glass of champagne later. I don't know why that's relevant! Making a point of stopping the medication I guess. I will go and talk to my counsellor at some point but am not ready yet.

Big love, how's everyone else?

I know exactly what you mean about being in the shock phase, waiting for it all to sink in. I didn't start to deal with my last cycle failure for a month or so after the bfn. Ivf is just a weird emotional limbo most of the time, I guess you have to get used to suppressing feelings or you could never do it.
Well we are waiting to hear back / get matched for donor, it seems to be taking a very long time, not sure if that is good or not. I feel like we are in this permanent limbo, everyone else's life moving on and we are stuck forever in barrenland. How's everyone else coping out there?

So very very sad to read your post mrsfw, words are just so hollow, nothing I can say other than that we're all thinking of you and sending love and strength. And gin and chocolate. Really really hope you and mrfw can be kind to yourselves. It's just so unbelievably shit and so desperately unfair

I highly recommend buying yourself something decadent. I splurged an obscene amount on a Burberry trench - yet actually I realised it was still less than 10 days worth of stims for one IVF cycle, and ALSO doesn't get me pregnant, but is stylish and keeps me dry and will last for years, so at least I'm not pissing my money completely up the wall.

A friend of mine recently described IVF as a very expensive form of self harm, which really struck a chord with me.

Glad you have the option of counselling on standby, hope you find it beneficial as and when you feel ready

Bollocks to it all

Dear god, that thread on AIBU. I'm apoplectic with rage and cannot string together an eloquent post on the thread. It's just so depressing. Thanks to those of you who did write a response and stick up for us all. To anyone here who doesn't know what I'm talking about-don't look for the thread.

mrsfw I totally agree with buying yourself something decadent and having champagne. I know it doesn't really help the underlying pain, but I think it's something positive to do in what is a bloody difficult time.

zippy I also thought it to took ages to get a donor match. We went abroad so I was expecting a really short waiting time of a couple of months, but it took about 7 months. I initially found the wait really frustrating, but on a positive note after a few months of waiting, I started to feel like we'd started actually living again rather than just passing time between rounds of IVF. I totally agree with you though about living in limbo and feeling like we needed an ending to this, but at the same time not really wanting the end point to arrive in case that meant it was all over.

Thanks ladies 💜

Jesus that thread was obscene. I came on to say thanks to Banana & Tigerdog for fighting our corner as I couldn't read much beyond your posts, you were both eloquent and courageous for posting.

It continues to amaze me how completely selfish some people are and lacking in any sensitive thought towards women suffering infertility. Literally straight after Bananas post one idiotic post after another. Shocking really.

An expensive form of self harm is a really interesting way of thinking about it.

Zippy I hope your wait doesn't drag on, limboland is a difficult place to be and I hope they find you a match soon.

Xx

That thread is fucking unbelievable What the actual fuck is wrong with people? How can they be so lacking in compassion? It actually made me feel a bit sick.

So upset this morning. We've just woken up to pictures all over Facebook of DH friend with his new baby. Obviously he's not with the mother, they were together three seconds and he's a jobless loser. He can reproduce no bother though. Added to that we got invited to a baby shower yesterday by DH other friend. He's also having a baby with a woman he doesn't live with who he's known less than a year.

I know you shouldn't be judgemental, but FUCKS SAKE!!!! I'm due to spend my bloody inheritance on ED that might not even work and these bastards get babies they didn't even want given to them out of thin air. There is no fucking justice in this world. None at all.

Feel so sad for DH as well. Really feeling the last two years of heartbreak and miscarriage today. I know it doesn't compare to what most of you have been through on this thread, but I feel like it's the only place I can go and not be told "chin up Hun"

Sorry to hear that isthismummy the fertility gods do seem to rejoice in pregnancies that are not or barely wanted

And thanks earlgreyt and mrsfw things seem to be starting to move forward a bit now. And as for that thread ... fucking hell

What is it all about zippybear? The fertility gods just love giving babies to total idiots.

I'd actually been feeling quite positive lately. The fertility gods clearly couldn't be doing with that though

AIBU always attracts the most special and idiotic people, but that thread is something else. I wonder how many of those posting actually read the thread title or first post? The majority just seem to wade in with their mindless excuses as to why they are so much more special than anyone else because they have children. Fuck them.

Hope everyone is coping as best they can atm. Sorry for the ironic and depressing baby bombs. Dreading Christmas and all that it brings. We are lucky in that we have a good reason to skip any family get-togethers this year and we are planning to go abroad next Christmas (to a different country to DH's family, who have started having babies and there is no way I am ready to spend Christmas in the presence of a baby, since my first miscarriage was just after Christmas 4 years ago, on top of it being a horribly emotion time in any case. I am way past the point of caring what they think of me for this. No doubt there will be another baby by next Christmas because that's what happens to every bloody person in our lives.) It's good to have a plan in place in any case.

Hi all,
I was wondering if I could join you. I don't really 'fit' anywhere to be honest, but having read through this thread it feels like I can relate to the hideous and unfair journeys you are going through. Plus there are no inspirational quotes or other such rubbish which makes me ragey!
My story, I have severe PCOS and had been trying for over a year without success. Moved onto Clomid and moved up the strengths with none of them working. Miraculously 150mgs worked and I fell pregnant. We couldn't believe it, felt like the luckiest people in the world. All we wanted was one healthy baby. Until the 20 week scan and our world collapsed, and our baby girl was stillborn a fortnight ago at 26 weeks.
I'm now waiting for the post mortem results which will take 8 weeks as there is a high chance we have a genetic issue. Then back to the fertility clinic (if they make us wait as long as last time I really will lose it) and on the wonderful rollercoaster again. So realistically it will be Jan before we can TTC again, but the only thing I can imagine helping this pain would be getting a take home baby which seems impossible after all these years of trying.
I'm so sorry for the pain of everyone else on this thread. Life seems very unfair sometimes, with two baby bombs yesterday really not helping...

Hi Iamchanging I don't totally fit here either as only had one miscarriage and no ivf failures. The latter only because I'm that fucked nobody will treat me except with DE which we are moving onto next year. Like you I find the inspirational quotes and the think positive attitudes of the other threads fairly unbearable, so usually post here when my sanity is waning.

I am so sorry for your loss. There really are no words I just don't know why some of us are singled out for such pain while others conceive through triple thick condoms whilst on a double dose of the pill.

Right there with you on the baby bombs. It must be the weekend for it

TammySwanson urgh, Christmas. I remember saying to DH last Christmas that hopefully we would have a baby by this one. Hahahaha. Just to make it better my birthday is on Boxing Day. So I was 36 when we started trying and I'll be 39 with still no baby.

I don't blame you at all for putting a plan in place. Protecting your sanity is the most important thing. Forget what the fertiles think. I think I might be deleting my Facebook temporary as well in order to avoid all the "Christmas is for kids" shite.

I tell you what, it comes to something when new joiners to this thread feel like they've "only had a miscarriage". Of course you are both welcome. I myself joined fairly recently and these ladies have given me so much, even indirectly. This is without question, the only place I come to find "my people". So sorry to hear both of your struggles. Iamchanging, your loss is devastating, there are no words.

Absolutely at my lowest ebb at the moment. Everyone I know is pregnant and for about the past 6 weeks I have had an uncontrollable urge to be rude or spiteful about friends and people we know (usually those with kids) I can't articulate why this is but I need to break the habit. This is not me. I agree that with the end of the year approaching it is another crushing reminder of what we STILL don't have. Weird because time is ultimately so arbitrary.

I just cannot believe I am in this situation. Where is my baby??

Thank you both for the welcome. I can totally relate Tips, I personally think that going through this shit changes your whole personality. Bollocks to it being character building or any such shite, I'm a stroppy, grumpy cow now. Gone is all my positivity and optimism about life.
Today I threw a strop like a petulant 5 year old because my DH and sis were pushing me to go out for a walk and pint in the sunshine. And the reason I didn't want to go...? a) I'm fed up of seeing the entire world being pregnant / have a baby and b) I don't want to be drinking in a pub because I want to be frigging pregnant and not able to drink.
How stupid is that.

I just don't know why some of us are singled out for such pain while others conceive through triple thick condoms whilst on a double dose of the pill.
Ironically mummy, my husband and I were previously always religious and really careful about contraception before we started trying to conceive. As we have both male and female factor infertility, we clearly never needed to bother and contraception was a total waste of time.

TipsNotHacks I suppose I say only a miscarriage as most of the women on here have been through years of ivf failure/miscarriage. So I feel my story pales in comparison. Then again it was my miracle pregnancy after being told I had POF. I'm still struggling six months later.

I am sorry you are feeling so low. Please don't be too hard on yourself regarding saying unkind things about pregnant friends. As long as you don't say it to their faces they'll never know. I think Christmas coming just makes everything harder. Your where is my baby question resonated with me so much. I've wanted a baby since I was 27. I STILL don't have one. What the actual fuck?

Iamchanging Not a stupid reaction at all. I find infertility can make so many previously enjoyable activities seem utterly pointless and trivial. Going out and having fun when you actually just want to die of misery is no fun at all

EarlGreyTea I'm right there with you on the religiously observed contraception thing. I never used to miss a pill. Hahahaha. Terrible thing to say but I really wish now that I'd gotten secretly pregnant by my ex years ago before my ovaries started failing. I was desperate for a baby, but he wasn't ready. I know on Mumsnet that's considered the cardinal sin, but I don't care. I did the right thing and look where it's got me? Childless and about to spend all my savings on ED. My ex is fine though. His new partner is young and probably as fertile as a rabbit. I can't give my much younger DH a child though.

It's enough to make anyone bitter. Who can blame any of us for feeling like we do?

Hello ladies

Just wanted to jump on your thread if that's ok? I haven't read the AIBU thread, and to be honest when fertility comes up on a non fertility forum I tend to steer well clear of it as the extreme opinions leave me with steam coming out of my ears.

My infertility journey so far is TTC for 5 years, 3 failed IVF/ICSI, too many things wrong with me to mention but basically I have very poor quality eggs. I was 32 when we started TTC and my poor egg's have always been the problem but we were firmly in the unexplained camp for a long time.

We're recently decided that we'll go for our 4th and last IVF early next year but we've decided to try the It Starts with The Egg recommendation around vitamins, plastics & diet. The diet is by far the hardest and very hard-core. We've also started to run, my DH and I have started to do park run on a Saturday morning which we both really enjoy, plus our dog runs with us and absolutely loves it too.

Yesterday was our local half marathon, so in the spirit of our new found running we decided to walk up with our dog and be a spectator for the day. I've never been to one of these events before but as well as the half marathon there was a 3k fun run and a 10k run. What I didn't expect was to have a full on meltdown whilst I was there.

That's the thing with infertility, you think you are ok and you think you're moving on and accepting that if our 4th attempt doesn't work then we make a life for ourselves without children and really what's so bad about that??? Then you see all the little children in their Halloween costumes finishing the fun run, coming around the corner and seeing the finish line. There were some really little ones in the most gorgeous costumes running for the finish line and just looking so proud. My goodness the tears flowed out of nowhere, even my DH who is notoriously unemotional had tears in his eyes. To think that we'd never have the opportunity to do something like this with our own children was almost too much to bear.

so we did the only thing we felt we could do after such an unexpected emotional outpouring, we went to the pub! Had a few beers then up to another pub for a good old traditional sunday roast, dog in tow all the way. He really truly is my fur baby xxxxx

Hi bridgetjones1 sometimes you just have to go for that Sunday roast and that pint. This journey is hard enough without constantly having to deny yourself life's pleasures.

for everyone on this thread. It sounds like we're all going through a particularly shitty time right now

What to do when you are sharply reminded of your own barrenness by the zillions of cute children knocking on your door for Halloween?
Option 1) hide with all the lights off
Option 2) get drunk.
I've gone for option 2. Big time.

Option 2 here also iamchanging