Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Thank you all so much. Lots to think about and look into. Feeling braver and thinking I can maybe do this.

Was lying awake in the night thinking about things. Not symptom spotting but went to get a glass of water and had very sore breasts. That tends to be early pregnancy symptom for me. Af not due but got me thinking. Last pregnancy I was scanned weekly and hated it. I decided in the middle of the night if I do fall naturally again I might not tell anyone until I have to. Apart from you and dh obviously. Does that make sense? I probably won't do that but I thought imagine if you just said nothing and I suppose ignored it and see how you get on. I think I began to feel like a pity case and was sick of all the sad looks every time I went to the hospital. I'm rambling and probably making no sense but I suppose I just mean what will happen will happen so would it actually change anything if I just didn't tell anyone?

Cross post there zippy sorry. Yes absolutely. I was also thinking that in the night. I appreciate we are rural so not a standard cross section of society but I now don't know anyone left who is in a relationship and does not have kids. I'm sure there must be people but not in my immediate community or work life. Makes me want to howl. And it scares me. Because the rational me knows it will sadly never happen for some people. And given what's going on with everyone else i know it looks like I may be that person that it never happens for.

Can I second what Zippy is saying about going farther afield? We have done all our cycles to date at a local clinic but are going for a second opinion with a view to treatment in the Lister. I never thought I'd travel but now I think it is time for the big guns! I will say though it has taken me a few months after my last failed cycle to even consider this as an option. When things settle down I think it's worth stepping back and considering all your options.

Would definitely recommend going to the Coventry miscarriage clinic

I don't understand why your consultant is even considering IVF as an option when you're conceiving naturally

The issue isn't you getting pregnant, it's staying pregnant - and without having explored all investigative options it's incredibly irresponsible to be advising you to go to donor egg

Most if not all recurrent miscarriage clinics advise patients to keep trying - they don't perceive chromosomal issues to be the problem for multiple miscarriages unless you're of very advanced maternal age or karotyping shows a parental chromosomal issue

I would definitely consider Coventry

Hey all dh is really struggling this morning. We married late and he's older than me and he says he only had a few years of feeling like he had finally become a normal member of society before we became childless freaks.
He has had a whole range of insensitive comments in the last week. Someone who knows about our situation repeatedly said to him 'well, speaking as a father...' Someone else asked him jokingly 'are you firing blanks?' Someone else when interacting wth a kid looked directly at dh and winked and said 'Experience' knowingly. Lots of people whilst discussing someone's pregnancy have said 'you'll be next!' Err probably fucking not. He wishes he could say you might as well ask a legless man to run a marathon. Would anyone else's dh like to share an experience to make him feel less alone??

Oh zippybear so sorry to read your DH is feeling so down. People really are the worst sometimes. The person mentioning blanks particularly needs a good kicking.

Not quite as bad, but DH just found out that his mates girlfriend of ten minutes is upduffed. Mate is telling DH he's scared of the responsibility

Thanks mummy and sorry your dh is dealing with that situation. The fertility gods really do love to pick people who don't want it don't they 😡

The fertility Gods are absolute bastards for sure This is the second of DH mates to have an unplanned pregnancy with a five second girlfriend this year

I hope your DH is feeling a little bit better today I do think men get forgotten in this process. Last week my DM mentioned how hard it must be for DH seeing me upset since my miscarriage. I had to point out that it isn't just my pain he's dealing with. Poor DH wants a baby just as much. I think there are a lot of sexist attitudes which sadly still prevail when it comes to (in)fertility.

Zippy- am so sorry to hear your husband is feeling so low, those comments made me really sad for him.
I don't really know how my husband deals with it. Some really shitty comments though. Xx

res is on other threads promoting surrogacy in the Ukraine.

We know what you are res and you're not wanted here.

I reported it earlier. Res had lots of the usual broken English bullshit!

It really is prolific. I reported another thread over the weekend but these spam posters pop up everywhere.

zippy, sorry to hear your husband is struggling too.

I'll ask my husband later if he's had any clangers of comments.

I know he's had the "I'm sure it'll all be ok" platitude from a good friend and that this really annoyed him as he came home saying he doesn't know it'll all be ok and that it'll all work out, when we don't even know whether that's the case.

He's also had the "would you adopt?" and "what will you do if it doesn't work?" Obviously from not from the same person as the one who said it'll all work out. And the unspoken answer was, we don't know what the hell we'd do if it didn't work out, that's our biggest fear in all of this and we're too terrified to really think about it, let alone discuss with someone who glibly asks us this.

Thanks earlgrey dh will be interested to hear any more clangers your dh has had. Has he been quite open with people? Most of my dhs comments are from people who dont actually know our situation (although it shouldn't be hard to guess at this stage!). Status update years and years in and barren barren barren.
Did anyone else know there is a place called barren island? It has a volcano and everything. How apt

Ha! I like it Zippy- maybe we will get a travel discount?

I'm off to Cyprus tomorrow for transfer cycle #7 & 1st DE cycle. No need for wishes, this thread's not about that and I'm sure I'll come crawling back in 3 weeks when it's finished. Nothing like an IVF holiday right 😫. HAHAHA. Hope everyone is doing ok xx

I'm going to wish you good luck anyway Mrsfw Don't tell anyone though

Secretly crossing fingers here too mrsfw

Also secretly crossing fingers for you mrsfw. Wishing you all the best.

zippy, I hope your husband is ok. I don’t think mine has any more clangers to report. I actually suspect he’s had more insensitive comments than I’ve said above, but he’s forgotten them/blocked them out. He’s obviously a nicer person and holds fewer grudges than me. He’s not been particularly open about it, although it wouldn’t take a genius to guess we might be having fertility issues.

By the way zippy, I did not know there is a place called barren island. It actually looks like a really nice place-far nicer than the type of barren zone we’re in on this thread.

Thanks team xx

I'm back. Obviously. Feeling like a monumental fuck up. Not only can I not produce chromosomally normal embryos of my own, but it also seems I can't implant normal donor ones either. FFS. I had 2 on board as well despite the 'You really need to be sure because the risk of multiples is so ridiculously high'

I am so fucking thankful for this thread bc there is NO other at all (and believe me I've trawled those forums 24/7 for the past 10 days) where it is about repeated failure with no success.

Every other place it's 2/3 failed cycles then someone chirping in, oh have you tried a scratch? might be worth a shot etc. Yes I've had multiple sodding scratches, and hysteroscopys, and immune testing, and the ERA and acupuncture, and steroids/intralipids, and clexane and sifted through my period and PGS testing.

DEAR GOD GIVE ME STENGTH! I have 2 DE Frosties left which is very fortunate. We will do those when I've peeled myself off the floor.

And I would actually appreciate any thoughts you have barren team. Am I just unlucky? (Will promise not to bite, my rage is subsiding)

Aaaarrrgh.

Oh mrsfw I am so sorry, there are no words except FUCK THIS SHIT. No advice just be kind to yourselves. It's all just such a fucking gamble

I'm sorry Mrsfw. It sounds like you're doing everything you can and a cycle with clexane, steroids etc is pretty comprehensive. No advice to offer, just sending some strength and swearing at the shitty universe on your behalf.

Oh mrsfw. I'm so sorry.

I agree it sounds like you're doing everything you can and have had pretty comprehensive investigations. I'm not going to chip in with any "have you tried.....", "why don't you just....." or anecdotes of positivity which are all over every other thread/forum on infertility, don't help and sometimes make you feel even more alone.

I'm also swearing at the shitty universe with tigerdog on your behalf. It's all so bloody unfair.