Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

The infertility versus cancer argument makes me absolutely apocalyptic with rage. There are plenty of other medical issues costing the NHS millions, but for some reason they are not up fir discussion. Obesity for example is a huge issue at the moment, but we aren't allowed to talk about that. I would argue being overweight is somewhat more within your power to change than having an issue that prevents you conceiving.

The lack of help offered to some people is just heartbreaking. The NHS won't help me at all because my high FSH/low amh makes me unsuitable for ivf in their opinion. They were originally going to offer me clomid but withdrew that offer when DH was found to have low motility. Since then I've fallen pregnant and had a miscarriage, so clearly his swimmers work to some degree?

The effect it has on mental health is overlooked to an appalling degree. I'm still really struggling with the fact I've been totally written off by NHS. I'm so angry at the shitty treatment I was given at Guys hospital. In fact I feel quite tearful just writing this. It's been a bad week

The AIBU people can fuck right off as well. I don't even open those threads now for my own sanity.

It does my head in how so many infertile couples would do ANYTHING lifestyle or treatment wise that would help but they can't access treatment when on the other hand so many preventable illnesses are treated without question on the NHS
Hugs to all.

Evil infertile women literally snatching cancer drugs out of the hands of dying people with their selfishness in wanting a baby. Which is a right for those without fertility issues, but suddenly a selfish desire for those that have a medical issue with conceiving

Which is interestingly also what many fertile people seem to also think about having IVF and why don't we "just adopt". Not that any of the people giving this advice have ever "just adopted" rather than having their own birth children. But for some reason infertile people are selfish for wanting their own children when there are loads of children needing adoption.

This advice gives me rage and that's before I've started on the rant about adopting never being "just adopting" for either the child or the prospective adoptive parents. Using the term "just" about it, totally misses the point that adopting is a massive thing to consider never mind to actually go through.

The "why don't you adopt/foster" question might actually be the most painful question for the infertile imo. I've had a few friends say it to me. I don't bother mincing my words and tell them they may as well just stick a knife in me if they want to cause me horrendous pain.

Ironically fostering has always been one of my longer term plans. It's ironic that my failure to conceive is preventing me doing it as you can't foster at the sane time as having really young children (which I pray I will do one day) So the longer my failure to have a baby drags out, the longer it is to that goal. People just do not understand how difficult it is to adopt. Plus there's a big age gap between DH and I which would make it even harder for us to be approved. On top of that- you know what? I want my own biological child, or at least one that is biologically DHs if we have to use ED. The implication that that makes me selfish is so fucking unfair

Really want to offer a huge bunch of to everyone on here today. The suffering we are all going through is making me feel so sad today. It's just SO unfair.

Hi ladies, I hope you don't mInd me dropping in. For those who don't know me, I used to be a regular on the infertility threads.

I wanted to share the links below as a dear friend of mine who is coming to terms with being childless pointed me in the direction of World Childless Week for people childless not through choice. There are links to some interesting videos, articles and blogs and it's not about miracle cures for infertility.

www.facebook.com/WorldChildlessWeek

www.worldchildlessweek.com

I think of you often ladies and I follow the thread. You are funny and insightful and strong. Potatoes x

Sorry that looks a bit cold reading it back, I just don't want to intrude.

Absolutely awful the adopt or foster question. That comment about you may as well stick a knife in me isthis is the exact way that feels.

Been thinking a lot this week and feeling very down again. I thought I would try and write it down to see if it is just me.

Appointment at hospital was bad. She said they (her and another doctor I have never met) have discussed my file and its me who had a egg problem. In her view IVF won't help and if I do fall again I will likely miscarry. If she were me she would not waste money on private. The only way she sees me having a child is with donor eggs.

I know that I'm upset this week but I suppose it's making me question my entire purpose in life. It's like I don't have anyone who actually needs me. No matter what I do. So I have friends but I'm probably not anyone's best friend. I'm never first to be picked or chosen for stuff at school sort of person.

I'm fairly high up at work but that comes with a lot of conflict. I walked into one of the junior member of staffs office yesterday and had to leave as I felt like I had been punched. Her desk was covered in cards presents cake flowers for her birthday. It was my birthday last week and I never got one card. Not one. From anybody.

It's not about the cards though or the birthday I don't think it's about what it represents.

My relationship with my parents is strained because of all of this. My mum blames herself and that makes me so angry that I just don't talk to her anymore about it.

I'm very very close to dh family, SIL in particular. But again, second choice often and certainly cancelled on when closer friends come along.

I've tried to be a good aunty, ruined them probably. Now I find a send a text and they read it and don't reply. This is a pattern.

If I walked away today and didn't come back I don't think anyone would actually be that bothered. Or maybe they would.

Sat up last night all night and thought about this and decided to spew it all here to get some slaps or wise words from you all. Is it more that none of the above is a big deal and its me the problem? Is it because I'm craving to be a mum and somebody's number one that everything else is such an issue. That's what I'm beginning to wander.

The only thing in the world who is always there and never leaves me is my little dog. Who I know is not a person but is s good little friend to me.

Can anyone relate to this?

As you all know I did take antidepressants in February but I don't feel that black grief again just now. More an awakening of wtf are you doing with your life.

I didn't want to do a me me me post but hoped maybe someone can relate to what I'm saying maybe? Does anyone have any advice on what I should be doing to bother less about this kind of stuff. I'm so sensitive just now.

Thank you for reading.

Jesus potato that was incredibly timed for me. Today why we are worthy. After I've just written an essay on why I'm not. Spooky. Thank you. How are you? X

And just because I'm reading back about the ridiculous aibu threads. There's a belter this morning. I'm not even going to read it. I have blocked it. Here is the title.

To think she should shove her IVF info where the babies aren't coming from!!!

fourpawswhite Your post has really struck a cord with me today.

I am also in the place of feeling totally lost in my life/like I don't matter to anyone/everyone is more popular/my life is fucking pointless. I'm not very successful/rich career wise and I also can't even manage to produce a child. Just what is the point of me? The cruellest bit is I got married in June to a man I love. We should be happily planning our future, but instead we live in utter limbo.

I really feel that what you are going through is a totally normal and horrific side effect of infertility. I believe that this disease does something that is more damaging to the female psyche than is really understood. It engulfs your whole world (I can't remember what it's like to wake up feeling happy anymore) and eats into every aspect of your life. Some days I am so furious at the unfairness of it all that I can barely function.

I am so sorry you had such a bad time at your appointment. I'm assuming this was NHS? If so I really would not listen to them and seek a second opinion. In my own experience they are utterly shit. I'm still traumatised by the treatment I received at the hands of Guys hospital. I'm with Serum Clinic now, even though we can't actually afford a Penny of it.

So sorry you are feeling so low, but you are NOT alone. We are all struggling members of perhaps the least enviable club in the world.

Thank you for the link potato very apt today.

Arrrggh just managed to delete a long reply before it sent.
Anyway I was trying to say that after dh and I decided to give up on ivf (well with our genetic material anyway) I started taking St. John's wort (partly as I knew I was not feeling like a normal person and partly because I read a study about endometriosis being treated in rats with St. John's wort and sea buckthorn oil but that's another story..) Anyway I don't know if it's the St. John's wort or if it's the mental break from ivf but I feel like a new person. I'm not recommending anyone takes St. John's wort or anything but it's just interesting, in hindsight I do think I was quite depressed for a long time. I've started cracking jokes - for a long time I thought I had grown out of my sense of humour.
Anyway..I'm not one for counselling but anyone I know who has done it for infertility always recommends it. And there are antidepressants you can take whilst ttc. Not that either of these may be right for you but just thought I'd say. And I agree with what bigger says if you look at other childless women they do seem to matter, sometimes we women can be much too critical of ourselves.
fourpaws have you had miscarriage investigations? And mummy what is your plan with serum?
Hope none of this is offensive,
I'm only relaying my experience, none of it may apply to you. And tbh I'm not sure how much of our change in mood may be related to moving to donor. Suddenly we do feel in with a real chance. It's taken a long time to get our heads around, but now it's suddenly quite exciting

And hello to potatoes!! I will have a look at that site thank you x

Already worrying that was the wrong thing to say and reading back I see fourpaws has been on antidepressants recently.
I guess I just want to agree with mummy- feeling this way is a very normal reaction to what's happened. It's very isolating, it massively effects your relationships with those around you. Anyone would be similar in our shoes so be kind to yourself. My mum bought me a massage when my fourth ivf failed and I still haven't managed

Oops.. to use it as I didn't feel I could find it relaxing. We must be walking around like massively coiled springs

Hello Potatoes. I do remember you from previous posts around here. Thanks for the links. I didn't think your post sounds at all cold and you're not intruding at all.

Oh fourpaws and mummy, you're definitely not alone in feeling like this. I've had similar feelings too.

I totally agree with what you say about questioning the meaning of life. I've also at times felt that my life would be empty if I can't have children. It's totally stupid as I would never consider anyone else's life to be empty or purposeless if they didn't/couldn't have children, but for some reason I'd worry that about myself.

I've also thought that if I'm childless then I should achieve something amazing in some other area of life and then felt that I must be a complete failure because I haven't. I've felt a total failure at times as I've held back and stalled things career-wise due to having fertility treatment, but have also failed with the fertility treatment. Some of our treatment has been paid for by family members which I obviously do really appreciate, but in some ways that has made me feel like even more of a failure as I've let them down too and "wasted" their money on unsuccessful treatment.

I hope that doesn't offend anyone. I didn't intend to make this post all about me and I certainly wouldn't judge anyone else in the way I judge myself. I think you're a bunch of amazing and strong women on here.

I think reading the posts above, one thing several of us struggle with is being overly critical of ourselves and too hard on ourselves. It's easy to do that though when you're feeling rubbish and I don't know what the answer is, but as zippy says above we should be kind to ourselves as we would be to others in the same position.

zippy I also had similar feelings when we decided to move to donor eggs. Yes, obit was a big decision which took some time to get our heads around and to come to terms with making. However, once we made that decision I almost felt a sense of relief and hope. I think the decision to use a donor also relieved a lot of the time pressure I'd felt as my rubbish eggs which were declining in quality by the day were no longer an issue and the sense of urgency to get on with more treatment lifted.

*Yes, obviously it was a big decision

I think you've hit the nail on the head there earlgrey. It's that the clock has stopped ticking.

oh god, zippy, before I fully clocked your username I thought the 'gave up on IVF and took St John's Wort' story was going to end up a miracle pregnancy story and was about to go nuclear .

Hugs to everyone. Me and DH's emotions are still all over the place. I think he's taken this miscarriage particularly badly, maybe because he was there for the transfer and the scan where we saw the heartbeat, maybe because he had pretty much been to the church every day since we got the BFP, praying (I'm not religious myself), maybe because the last time we had a miscarriage it was before all his friends and brother had started having babies (and his best friend is now on his second), or maybe because he (like me) thinks that was our last chance.

Ha tammy I wish.... hugs to you guys

It's a shame our dhs don't have a version of this thread, it must be so hard without somewhere like this to share