Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Fourpaws & Tammy- so sorry you are both having stressful/shit times. Its so bloody unfair on top of the hideousness of infertility. Sending you both love xx

Thanks everyone. Although I wish you all weren't here as well, it's comforting to know there are other people going through this who understand.

We have 4 frosties (1 from this cycle and 3 from the freeze-all cycle in March) but neither me nor DH has the emotional energy to try them yet. I think we'll probably leave it at least a year (by then I will be 43) and if that doesn't work we'll have to accept that we won't have children. Frankly, the thought of going through another mmc is too much to bear, so it may be that we don't even try them. We'll see.

Oh tammy I'm sorry to hear this. It's totally rubbish. I agree with bigger that you have your frozen embryos so there is less time pressure than if you were thinking about a fresh cycle. But it's all totally crap nonetheless.

I was also fucked off by the royal baby news and how we're now going to have 6 months of her pregnancy and the hyperemesis all over the news.

Low tonight. F

Low tonight, fell out with dh which is rare. About appointment tomorrow. I sometimes have thought it would be best if I just left. I'm swaying that way now.

Mumsnet brings me great comfort at times. Then I read a thread like tonight. Aibu stranger play park. Makes me want to go and run away. God forbid you try to interact with someone else's child. I need to get off here before I get banne.

Banned!! Apologies for all the bloody typos. I upgraded my phone this week and every single message I send is wrong

Oh and now there's someone posting in infertility because they have been trying to get pregnant for four months.

Bloody hell. At least they're being lynched for it. It's too depressing for me to even bother commenting on

Tammy I'm sorry to hear this, I hope you're feeling a little calmer a few days on (I know this isn't always the case).

Fourpaws- thinking of you. My DH and I come to blows from time to time. Usually my fault after being an arsehole.

I am not opening any more BS AIBU posts! Just saw the one about the OP with a baby who cancelled on her "childless" friend at short notice and wondered why said friend was annoyed. PurpleDaisies I saw your posts and the responses to your very appropriate advice/comments. But surely you knew before posting that people like us can't possibly have any idea about these kinds of things because we don't have children/don't know what love is

Hope you're ok fourpaws. The stress of this process really doesn't help the majority of our relationships with our partners. We've also had some massive rows when things have been really stressful. Hope your appointment went as well as possible.

Tips and purple I've also read that ridiculous thread with steam coming out of my nose and ears in fury. Some people are just so bloody entitled, self important and smug. But of course us barrens can't possibly understand that it's fine to let manners, consideration and respect for other people go out the window once you have children.

Tipsnothacks

It's better not to engage with those ridiculous posts about childless women, it nearly always devolves into something about how shallow our meaningless lives are..a totally abhorrent and insensitive viewpoint imho.

Meanwhile I am waiting for an appointment for a new clinic, hoping it might be my time soon. It's been so hard and it really doesn't get any easier with time.

It's better not to engage with those ridiculous posts about childless women, it nearly always devolves into something about how shallow our meaningless lives are..a totally abhorrent and insensitive viewpoint imho.

Oh, this is so right. I shouldn't have even opened that thread. They all say the same thing. I missed the one here about trying for four months, thankfully.

It's been a really rotten few weeks for baby bombs here. Half of my Facebook activity at the moment is just "hide post". I'm really hoping it gets less dreadful at some point.

Sending good vibes to everyone.

Purple daisies I get where you are coming from, I've had a few baby bombs recently too. It doesn't help at all.

Those posts about childless women always annoy me. I honestly believe there is always something else going on (ie either they or their friend are being an asshole) but they just jump on the childlessness as the root cause and then make some derogatory comment about how that person is spending their time and make sweeping generalisations. So annoying!

Hope you are all keeping well.

Yeah I was really fucked off with it bigger. He didn't answer the question and he didn't acknowledge why it wasnt a priority over and above other (non-life) threatening services. The use of the word 'like' in that context made me mad too.

In all honesty I know the answer to my question. When NHS England formed, IVF was looked at to see if they could form one harmonised policy across the NHS to end the post code lottery of unfair and arbitrary restrictions. Then they calculated the cost, freaked out and dumped it on CCGs to make their own decisions because it was too expensive and the CCGs could take the flack from the public and put some distance between then and the unfair decisions. Grrrr.

Just to add to what you guys are saying, I genuinely think that there is a very poor understanding of ivf amongst anyone who is not directly involved in fertility. I think most people think one cycle is fine and don't understand that a "full course" is 3+. For example if you were giving someone chemo you wouldn't stop after one dose?

I agree amara. Unfortunately putting this view across to the majority of people who haven't suffered with infertility would get a response along the lines that infertility can't be compared to cancer. Which is of course not at all what you're saying and misses the point of what you're saying entirely.

Exactly, one cycle is actually sub therapeutic to be honest!

Definitely! I suppose the key is what is illness/disease. It's basically when the body is not functioning normally. As fertility is a normal function then infertility is a disease and like others should be offered treatment.
Generally unless people are in our position they don't really get it!

Quite. Comparing IF with cancer is the same as comparing apples to oranges.
It all comes back to understanding doesn't it? Presently awareness on IF is woefully poor and I'm sure most people think you're "doing something wrong" if you fail to get pregnant. The media and their "miracle storylines" don't help. I started rewatching Gavin and Stacey recently and the storyline was great until they miraculously got pregnant despite Gavins abysmal sperm count. I think that's how people think it works. I just wish there was more awareness of what it's really like. People like that bloody Alex Jones don't help (have I ever mentioned that I FUCKING HATE her for the way she peddles her 'miracle baby' and IF when in fact she got pregnant at 40 after 8 months of trying 😑)?!

Like many things, I think in a couple of decades society at large will have a better understanding of what IF actually means for many people but that doesn't help now.

Tipsnothacks-that what Alex Jones thinks infertility is? I actually hate when celebs jump on the infertility bandwagon without having actually experienced it. Come back and speak to me when you have been trying for years and have a few failed cycles under your belt! 8 bloody months-my blood pressure is rising at the thought of it! 😤

The whole cancer vs infertility nonsense makes me furious. Evil infertile women literally snatching cancer drugs out of the hands of dying people with their selfishness in wanting a baby. Which is a right for those without fertility issues, but suddenly a selfish desire for those that have a medical issue with conceiving. And as others have said, there are lots of other NHS services that aren't life threatening that should be discussed, but a fairer narrative doesn't help the NHS get away with what is essentially some really awful discrimination against infertile people.

Whilst I'm at it, my other pet hate, inspired by another thread this morning is anyone who posts with: "I'm pregnant but my infertile friend/sister etc is not continually jumping for joy. Why are they not more excited for meeee? They are so selfish [sad face]." Fuck off and just enjoy your pregnancy will you!!

Rant over