Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

I've reported the spammy posts biggerboat but they're still there. There's one with totally inconsistent posts about when they are/we're pregnant but for some reason they're all still there. It's so frustrating.

Just looked up the "failure stories" thread and read the whole lot. What happened to Bip in the end? I tried to search her name in the hope that she'd posted but found nothing. her story was heart breaking and she wrote with such emotion. ❤️

So sad seeing so many familiar names on that thread too. for you all

Although thanks to that thread I am now researching vaginal viagra!! My clinic must be utter shit, I have never heard even a whisper of this.

Can I drop in just to vent please everyone? I haven't got multiple failures (been ttc 16 months on none existent egg reserves with one joyous early miscarriage in June to show for it) but I feel like there's nowhere else for me to go on this board at the moment. It's all spammers or cycle threads, and I'm feeling more isolated than ever.

MNHQ really needs to pull its finger out over the spammers. I'm so angry that the only place I can go without being told to think positively about baby dust is being ruined like this.

Hey isthismummy, so sorry that you're struggling. When I first started ttc there was a thread in conception for those who were 30+ who had been ttc for 12 months or more. It was my lifeline. We eventually became a smaller/closed group and nearly everyone got there in the end (after recurrent miscarriage and ivf failure for some) or made peace with other paths, and the thread finished as we all became Facebook/real life friends.

It might be worth starting a group like that up again, as I am sure there will be others in a similar situation. I have considered it but after almost five years I am too jaded for anything other than multiple failures.

Yes bip, did have a baby. I miss her unique style! Failure stories started out as a great thread but did get a bit fraught at the end with few thoughtless posters. I got pregnant myself during the course of the thread but switched to lurking and only returned after my miscarriage.

tips, it's *bananafish you need to speak to about lining stuff, as the resident expert.

Sad that spamming is getting out of control. Having to sift out the bullshit on these boards is just not on, especially as the subject is so sensitive and people are vulnerable.

Thank you tigerdog I never thought about starting a thread of my own. Tbh I feel like a fraud whenever I go into conception. Probably because I consider myself an infertile who just happened to get lucky for a whole five weeks. Plus all the "I'm so depressed. I've been ttc for 48 hours and it's still not happening" threads make me want to set myself on fire.

I feel jaded after 16 months. I am awed at your strength after 5 years. It's all so desperately bloody unfair.

I miss bananafish Haven't heard anything from her in ages. I hope she's OK.

The spamming is as pointless as it is insensitive. Nobody ever went "Hey. The clinic I'm looking to blow thousands on is DEFINITELY the one that posts grammatically appalling spam threads on infertility boards. I feel so safe in their hands"

Be brave and do it! I'm sure there will be others feeling the same as you. Getting to the end of a year ttc and realising it wasn't going to happen for us was very hard - emotionally I was really struggling and in some ways it was harder than later years. The pregancy announcements really hurt back then. A thread for those a bit older and trying longer screened out enough people to make it a safe space. I couldn't have survived without it.

I settled into my infertility after a while, if that makes sense, and we found a middle way to live our lives of limbo and treatment. I got better at being happy inspite of it all. It's just the last year that's been a real nightmare again.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low tigerdog I think it comes and goes doesn't it? You have periods of being happy despite it, but then others where you are just plunged into relentless misery despite it all.

Atm I'm really struggling with feeling like it's all my fault. I know I shouldn't as DH has low motility as well. He's a lot younger than me and I'm currently wracked with fear for our future if I can't give him a child. He came home from football yesterday with a story of a cute toddler who was there with his dad. DH just thought he was relying a sweet little take. I spent the rest of the night choked with guilt that he might never have a son/daughter to take to the football.

I would dare start a thread. I feel just like you about it. Everybody else would get their bfp and I'd be left there all alone.

Wouldn't dare rather...

Anyway, I'll hop off this board now. I know it's not really the place for me and I don't want to intrude

You are absolutely not intruding and there is no definition of failure - I think one of the good things about posting here is there is no race to the bottom about who has had it worse (although I think we've politely indicated that secondary infertility is perhaps not the same although utterly heartbreaking). If this feels like your safe space then please stick around! Sorry, didn't meant to make you feel unwelcome. My experience in the early years of ttc was made bearable by a really special group of people going through the same thing and it's a shame that there isn't a similar group now.

I know it's easier to say it to other people and I have struggled with the same thing, but it isn't your fault, and blame shouldn't ever come in to it.

You didn't make me feel unwelcome at all tigerdog I'm just very mindful of the fact that someone ttc for 16months and moaning about it might potentially infuriate those who've been trying for years. Kind of like the way the ttc for three months people on the conception boards do me.

It is so hard not to blame yourself though isn't it? I've been doing a lot of research into the feelings infertility/miscarriage causes. I read an article from a woman this morning saying how she feels she's lost the person she once was. I thought that summed it up perfectly. I don't even recognise myself half the time these days. It's genuinely terrifying.

I can remember feeling like that isthismummy but currently, on a bit of a protracted break from it all I do feel a lot more like my old self so there is se light at the end of the tunnel.

What ho barrens, sgt bananafish reporting for duty. Very sweet of you to think of me

I do read this thread to follow all your news, it really is a sisterhood of the uber barrens, people just don't get it. I found threads like this, and failure stories (until some with BFPs refused to stop talking about pregnancy anxiety) an absolute sanctuary. I felt, and still do, the barrenest of the barrens - the rest of the infertility boards with the 'normal' infertiles just felt like another world

It meant (and still does) so much to feel so much less alone.

It's a club you don't want anyone else to become a member of, but it means the world to be able to chat to other members of the same sad club

I keep this thread in my watching list, but otherwise I have cut ties with infertility world - I don't hang out on MN / fertility friends / various FB infertility groups. We got the closure we need when we saw the top expert in the UK (maybe the world) in lining issues and he confirmed what we knew - that we'd exhausted all our options and surrogacy was the only way forward for us

Coming to terms with the fact I can't carry, and just trying to start to re engage with the world, and get some headspace before we start to explore our surrogacy options in earnest. I don't want a break, I want a family, but we have nothing left in the tank, we are emotionally spent.

I speak to Bip every so often and am pleased to say that she and her beautiful little boy are doing well.

tips vaginal viagra isn't actually used in the UK because we don't have compounding pharmacies to make it up - plus most clinics are absolutely shit when it comes to lining issues. It's become a specialist subject, and I actually took various treatments to my Dr that I'd read studies about, to ask him to try. I found the one hospital pharmacy in the UK who would make up vaginal viagra pessaries - so anything lining related, fire away

I'm so sad to see so many awesome women still on this thread, but I'm so very very glad that we have each other while we're walking through hell. Makes me feel less alone

Balls to it all

Bananafish you are courage personified and my heart hurt reading your post. I hope these coming days and months are kind to you as you gather strength for whatever comes next.

Thanks for your comments on lining etc, very helpful and I am going to do my own research.

Much love to you and everyone else on this thread.

Hi ladies-
Just wanted to drop in and say hi. Am sorry I've been absent for a while, I got really fed up with the spammers too, it was quite upsetting really.

Hope everyone new having a good summer. I'm bracing myself for the imminent arrival of 2 new babies from friend and SIL.... so mostly in hiding until that's over with. This was SIL who sent me a bottle of wine when she told me she was expecting 'as I would find the news hard'. So fucking offensive. HA HA HA.

Banana, Tips, Zippy, Bigger, Tigerdog & Isthismummy (& anyone I've forgotten!), thanks for keeping this thread going, it's the only one I join in on now and sorry I haven't been brill at supporting you back recently.

Much love to all.

Don't be daft, Mrsfw, we all need to take this one day at a time and you are doing just fine. It's so hard when people do things like that (e.g. The bottle of wine). Like it's the same as a bad day at work.

Hi mrsfw
No need to apologise for your absence. I think we're all struggling through this as best as we can and you have to do whatever you need to do for yourself. Sometimes I don't feel in the mood to look at things on infertility and prefer to pretend none of this is really happening and that life is just normal.

Another one dropping in to apologise for absence and say hello to old friends.

Been a hard few weeks here and I'm still licking my wounds and feeling very shaky after Mmc.

Have appointment with consultant again September but dh already saying no more IVF. If anything we explore mc route privately. He does not even want to see nhs consultant after all the issues we have had but I feel I need to as there are a few things I would like to say and ask and I would like some closure on this chapter. The latest "mistake" in the long line of "mistakes" was a card dropping in the mail for my 20 week scan. Given that I miscarried and this is all the exact same bloody ward in the same hospital where the nurses are in first term names with me, I'm sure you can imagine my reaction.

Whilst I appreciate my experiences are minor in comparison to most here, I genuinely would not have made it this far without the support and kindness I have been shown by you wonderful lot.

Banana yet again I am in tears reading your update. I wish you all the love in the world for your next chapter. Thank you for all you have done for me.

I also keep this on watch list, just have not felt much use to anyone lately. I like others was also upset by spammers and risked a ban if I posted at all

Love to you all.

Hello fourpaws,
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. That's really crap re the card for the 20 week scan. I can't imagine how awful that met have felt.

No need to apologise for your absence. I'm not the thread police, although beginning to worry a little that that's how I sound!

What ho sgt bananafish

Balls to it all indeed.

I'm also saddened to hear your update. I can't quite think of the words to express what I want to say as I'm no where near as eloquent as you. But I think you're an amazingly strong and brave woman even if you are emotionally spent.

I was also thinking of you before you posted and hoped you were doing ok.

After everything you've been through, I can totally understand wanting to feel "normal" again before pursuing things with surrogacy. I have written normal in inverted commas as I realise things can never go back to how normal was before all of this, but I hope you're able to recover some emotional energy.

I've been glad to have someone like you around on this miserable journey and have really appreciated your wit and wisdom, although I'd obviously rather have appreciated it being present through less shitty circumstances. I also was really grateful for you laying down the ground rules for this thread in no uncertain terms, so that it is a safe sanctuary for all of us uber barrens. Thinking of you.

Hello all

Also dropping in as it has been a while! I've also been studiously avoiding fertility fora and threads about a certain terrible ivf clinic which have been haunting these boards.

I need some advice oh wise women!

I'm at the stage where I've had multiple failures and I am thinking about getting a second opinion/seeing if I could cycle at another clinic. I feel like my current clinic are kind of saying "just keep going" and not really engaging with a discussion on why I have such a low mature egg count on collection (with tonnes of follicles) and my partner's male factor.

I've been asking friends and a few names have popped up- Manchester Fertility and Lister. (I've seen others on multiple fora)

Essentially do you guys have any thoughts? And perhaps any thoughts on how I should go about choosing a place for a second opinion? I do know I want to go somewhere which does a large case load (been checking hfea for that and both those do- Lister looks huge). Am agonising a bit over this as i will have to travel for this and want to make sure I get it right (and not waste another load of cash!).

I was at the Lister for 4 cycles and would recommend. Ultimately we were unsuccessful there, but that's much more to do with the quality of the ingredients (my eggs) rather than their methods.

As you also have male factor like us, one thing to consider is that they offer IMSI as well as ICSI. I'm not sure whether this is relevant in your case, but thought I'd mention it in case it is.

Also the Lister have links with the urologist Mr Jonathan Ramsay who is meant to be the guru of male factor infertility.

Hi Amara, I don't have any advice but I'm in a similar position. I'm not happy with my current clinic and will be trying the Lister next I think. I've only ever heard good things. Just want to wish you all the best.