Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Me too, I always find the trigger massively stressful especially late at night. I guess what me and dh enjoyed about that program was getting to see another couple (even if just fictional) go through all that shit and stress. As otherwise the only people we have seen go through it all is us

Eugh, the trigger. 🔫 I don't want her Corrie regularly but I was intrigued to see the portrayal of it currently. I think the character is called Toyah?! Her IVF keeps failing and although it is very much the usual "mental infertile" narrative I think they've done a good job of capturing the absolute stabbing panic you feel. I think this is useful as I am certain that people think you just say "never mind, we'll try again, let's stay positive" when it fails.

I am dangling off the edge of the proverbial cliff right now (I'm hoping this intense sadness and anxiety will pass soon) but I am finding this storyline oddly comforting and hope that people watch it and get a flavour of what it's like.

Hope you're all doing as well as can be expected girls.

The first sentence should read: "I don't watch Corrie regularly"

It's sad that everything has gone a bit quiet since the Ukrainian spammers took over the site. Hope everyone is ok.

Hey there. I saw those spammers in some random Facebook post about surrogacy, beyond crazy. How are you guys getting on? Grumbling along here. Had a pathetic moment the other day when my (normally upbeat) dh cracked and said 'how can we be the only people who can't manage this?' I think it was related to seeing a couple of Facebook posts of some of his male friends who are older and seemed very unlikely to ever be parents. Somehow they have all sprogged up at the same time and are now all delightedly displaying their bundles of joy. The utter isolation of being barren

Sorry zippy, that's tough. Amazing how much it affects you, isn't it? We had a similar thing a few months ago where friends posted a pic of all the dads with their new babies and toddlers. Obviously they are damned if they do and damned if they don't in respect of whether they invite us so I didn't feel angry about it obviously, but my god how I cried that evening.

Sending love to you all, hope you're all
Doing as well as can be expected. I daren't ask where you all are with treatment right now as I bloody HATE it when people ask me that as it's such a broad question.

The Facebook posts were one of the reasons I left Facebook.

My husband always says about the smug baby announcements when they're said as if it's the most impressive thing anyone has ever done "well done, you've had sex". I usually then remind him that we're so much more advanced that we don't need to have sex to try and become pregnant.

In a masochistic way, I used to make my husband play "guess who will be next to announce their pregnancy" (whoever said infertility stops you knowing how to have a good time?!). When we had pregnancy/baby announcements going off all around us, I thought it would soften the blow of these if I'd anticipated the announcements in advance. It didn't really help especially when we were totally blindsided by one friend's announcement which we hadn't expected at all.

Oh god, EarlGrey, we do this. Bets on who'll be next. It's quite an easy game now as so few people are left.

And NOONE ever gets dealt the infertility card! Never! And I'm lead to believe it affects "1 in 8". I don't believe that statistic and would be interested to know how that figure was arrived at.

No I know. No one gets the infertility card. I was SURE someone must get the secondary infertility card given that most of them are knocking on 40, but no one has been dealt this either.

I say sure someone must get the secondary infertility card, not because I'm wishing this shit on anyone, but because if infertility affects 1 in 8, it can't just be me amongst everyone I know.

I wasn't sure whether to mention the "game" as thought you might all think I'm totally nuts, but I'm glad not to be alone with this!

Oh you're far from alone. You name it, I've done/said it. I'm terrible for playing the "in a years time/10 years time, what will life look like" game. I'm sure we all think the same things. I really truly believe that infertility experiences are largely the same when you get to our stage. I just know that people in my position feel that same, stabbing pain and the multitude of emotions, the whole cycle of it. Unlike a lot of situations, it feels completely all or nothing. There is no real
compromise. Hence why we play these daft fucking games!

I'm so fucked off lately that I'm not even ashamed to admit that I actively wish for this to happen to other people. That's how much my personality has taken a 360 degree turn. I'm not someone to be jealous but I actually don't want to be the ONLY one in my social circle, family or otherwise that has to go through this. Horrible, right.

God that looks awful written down.

earlgrey we also play the guess who game I used to have a great radar for announcements but a few have bypassed me recently. tips misery loves company!

Tips, I must be a bad person too as I kind of hoped someone would join me in this situation-at least I'd then feel less alone.

For selfish reasons, I then hoped they didn't as it'd be Sod's law they'd have only one round of IVF and be successful, whereas I'd have nothing to show except multiple failures.

This is also one of the reasons (besides the over enthusiasm/positivity) that I've never joined and of the cycle buddy threads-I didn't want to be the unsuccessful one whilst everyone else was getting their positive results. That would be the equivalent of rubbing salt in wounds and make me feel even more alone.

Tips I too also wish to not be the only one, to just have someone else to talk to that actually gets it, but I don't. Infertility is a very lonely place and sadly I drew the 1 in 8 card.

Facebook is a head melt so I made the decision to deactivate. The only downside is that I do some voluntary work that communicates via Facebook, so every so often I have to activate my account, catch up on this group and quickly deactivate again!

I know, it's impossible (for me at least) not to get sucked in once you log into Facebook and then you end up regretting it.

Spin sorry you're feeling alone. This thread is one of the few places which has made me feel less alone and as if I am amongst others who get it and not only get it, but seem to be dealing with it in a similar way to me.

There was a great thread called "failure stories" started by Bip last year. I say a great thread as the shit people were going through was expressed in a way which made me laugh until I had tears in my eyes and it made me feel that there really are some people who get it out there. It ended up going the way of lots in infertility threads though with talk of pregnancy as people gradually had success. The successes are obviously a good thing as that's what we are trying to achieve, but one of the many things I like about this thread is bananafish's rules, most of which I have forgotten, but I can remember the primary one of no pregnancy talk.

Thanks bigger, sorry Its getting your dh down too. I think my dh was in denial for a long time, he seems to be about a year behind me in dealing with this. Hard to see your man affected by it isn't it.
I also loved failure stories earl. Shame it ended the way it did, left me feeling too infertile even for the infertility board!
Anyone else noticed some possibly spammy posts again? Here and in donor. I'm starting to get really fucked off with this now