Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

And yes it is infertility bingo tastic!

That thread gave me the rage! There's been a couple of awful ones recently. Hope everyone is doing ok.

Oh yes.

The other thing I "loved" was that they'd all do x, y, z in our situations because

1. it's really obvious to know what you'd do when you're infertile and no one ever changes their mind through experience
2. as we all know there are loads of guarantees in fertility treatment,
3. we all have unlimited emotional, physical and financial reserves as well as the time to pursue things until we're all 90 so that we really do fully exhaust all the options,
4. we're all so selfish (like some them) that none of us would give our partners opinions a second thought and we wouldn't consider stopping if our partners didn't want to pursue donor eggs/sperm/surrogacy/adoption, we'd just ruthlessly continue to get what we want.
5. there are no ethical or emotional considerations in pursuing donor eggs/sperm/surrogacy or adoption either.
6. unless you eventually get success, you can't want a child badly enough otherwise you'd do whatever it takes.

Think that's the thread in a nutshell. I learnt a lot.

I do hope the sarcasm dripping through this post is very obvious.

Good summary earlgrey. I was looking for somewhere to post about how angry that thread was making me and then realised it was here already.

I don't know what it is about infertility that makes people who haven't experienced it think they know what it's like. It makes me really sad that so many ex barrens seem to have forgotten that "just stop trying and you'll get pregnant unexpectedly" is a bloody insensitive thing to say to someone.

It's so fucking insensitive purple, I agree. I hate the way it implies that a person is somehow preventing themselves from getting pregnant by being uptight. I felt like lots of people were trying to imply that to me early on when ttc.

Also if someone has unprotected sex then they're trying!

The cynic in me thinks that some of the ex barrens who've had several unsuccessful rounds of IVF who then suggest "just stop trying and you'll get pregnant unexpectedly" (like they did) have actually had donor egg/sperm IVF, but don't want to tell people that, so they lie and pretend they "just got pregnant naturally".

Also if someone has unprotected sex then they're trying. Yes to this. They may not be doing OPKs/special diet/acupuncture/any fertility woo, but they're still trying.

Morning ladies,

I came on to vent about that bloody thread too- really want to say well done to those I recognise from here that did stand their ground and fight our corner (bananafish, zippy & co you were so articulate and I love you for it!) but my god does it fall on deaf ears.
It's so sad that despite going through what we are, we also have to find the strength to correct and educate but some people just won't hear it. Earlgrey you summed it up beautifully!
Hoping youve all managed to put it behind you, the ignorant can't be changed!!

Thanks Mrsfw. A bit like banging your head against a brick wall eh. That thread came at a bit of a bad time for us really with its whole if you want to be parents you will attitude. We are currently tying to decide between donor embryo, adoption and accepting our lot in life. I feel we have already tried a lot harder than a hell of a lot of people could have coped with. And I just don't have the strength for any more of anything at the minute. Doesn't mean I don't want to be a parent just that infertility is really really fucking hard

I normally let it go, but the thread made me really angry and I couldn't help myself. Also thought the OP on the thread was quite early on in the infertility process and could do with some support from people who have some idea what she's going through rather than from non childless people who don't have a clue (which the majority of posters appeared to be).

Arrrggggggghhhhhh that thread. It's the gift that keeps on giving!

Painfully shocking. Or maybe we are all just oversensitive losers who should try harder / accept how lucky we are?! I also hate the comparison between single mum in early twenties and childless married couple in thirties. Surely it would be a very different experience even without infertility!

Bigger, Earlgrey & Zippy it is thoroughly depressing isn't isn't! And yet it still continues....AAAARGH!

Bigger you are right though, there are some positives that come out of it.

Zippy- you are right the 'oversensistive' comments gave me full on rage.

I liked that (a few) people who didn't experience infertility have found it useful in terms of some understanding or knowing what to say, or not say and as others have said it has had some interesting and insightful posts from people who have actually come out the other side (without children) OK. But obviously the idiots who post dickish or condescending comments, and especially the ones that come back and double down on them, trying to defend or justify them can just fuck off.

BiggerBoatNeeded. For crying out loud re 24hrs in A&E. I'm sorry it's made you feel shit. I'm totally with you that no one in these mythical stories is ever just infertile and it does make you feel like even more of a failure.

I think I might get a new mantra: platitudes and miracle pregnancy stories do not help.

I think I will adopt your mantra too Earlgrey.

I got so cross with that AIBU thread I had to step away from MN for a while.

There was a really good post on it though, which talked about there not being a paradigm for infertility that enables proper discussion. Society endlessly tries to fit it into socially acceptable narratives like the miracle and happily ever, triumph in the face of adversity etc. No one wants to talk about the other alternatives, and having to accept a different life to the one you hoped for. We struggle to allow someone to give up on a dream, and yet I personally think that being brave enough to give up and stop trying is the hardest and most courageous thing anyone can do. I find platitudes like 'never give up' most infuriating - so we're supposed to run ourselves into the ground trying to conceive?! I feel like I've come close to destroying my own sense of self and I know that I'll never be the person I was before infertility and mutiple pregnancy loss. Not to mention the physical side of things.

Well, exactly - and it's particularly egregious when it's someone with a 10/11/12 or whatever week old posting it. Of course it's fucking easy for you to say 'never give up' because you won the lottery. I wish these people would step back and at least try to remember what it was like before but I guess they are too caught up with their own situation now.

Also, is it me or is there a particularly large number of adverts featuring newborns or tiny babies at the moment? Even ones that aren't about baby products.

Oh jesus, another fucking thread in AIBU with this gem: "Just imagine a year from now you're pregnant! Start doing everything you can from today to make that happen!!".