Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Ugh, I agree. There was another post yesterday from somebody on one of the IVF threads - 'if you stay positive it will work for you!'. Oh, REALLY? Fuck off with your 'it will work.' It doesn't always work and it's not somebody's fault because somehow the universe magically knew they weren't feeling positive and so decided 'hey, no baby for you, you don't deserve it!'

People are idiots.

Well said bigger, well said. I couldn't agree more.

Bigger I think I know exactly who you are talking about, and my previous post on this thread was about exactly that. I agree with you 100%.

I have been thinking that I might take a bit of a break from mumsnet. You lot are the only reason I still logon but, I find myself drawn to the other threads. TBH the tone of the infertility threads has changed over the years (or maybe I have changed), and it is often frequented by people who don't really know very much, but pontificate to others who are vulnerable.

I cant emotionally deal with starting virtual wars with these people, but finding it harder and harder to bite my tongue.

So, I am going to stay away for a bit but I will check in every now and again to see how you all are.

Massive hugs xxx

YES to that bigger

sanfran really hope the break does you good

I can totally recommend stepping away from infertility world

I was terrified about that - because essentially if I wasn't on infertility forums for all my waking hours, what the hell was I going to think about?!

As the end approached and slowly rolled out, dying a slow death, I began to leave lots of the infertility FB groups I was on, threads on FF, all sorts. And staying the hell away from the infertility boards on here has actually been very easy, mainly because everyone on every other thread pisses me off. I used to like helping people who were new to treatment, sharing knowledge I'd gained as a soldier in the trenches. Now I just can't be doing with it all. Everyone is too chirpy and full of hope (and successful)

I've been finding other stuff to try and occupy my time and mental energy rather than infertility forums (except for the odd place such as here for support of longstanding barrens). And trying not to step straight from there into surrogacy world. This has involved a lot of online retail therapy, although frankly that's a drop in the bucket compared to what I was spending on infertility treatment.

Suffice to say, it's been good for my mental health - hope it's similarly so for you

to everyone

So I went back to Coventry for my follow up appointment yesterday.

Prof B agreed that it seemed like we had tried everything. And that given we have the embryos, that it was a no brainer to go down the surrogacy route.

Biopsy results weren't yet available, but at this point they're pretty much academic. They're not going to unlock any new solutions. Did the repeat biopsy, but the sample was pitiful, as my lining was predictably awful.

So that's that really. Got what I went for - went to get closure and that's what I got. We'd already closed the book, but needed to hear it from him so we could put the book back on the shelf, so to speak.

Today would have been the due date if the last one had stuck, so guess the timing is fitting somehow.

Oh and to rub salt in the wound. Before the appt, a nurse took me aside and asked me if I'd participate in their questionnaire study, so they could follow patients on and find out if they were successful, about subsequent conception and pregnancies

I said there wasn't really any point because there wasn't going to be any conception or pregnancies, and there wasn't going to be anything to update them on.

She agreed it wouldn't make sense for me to be a participant in that case

Hi ladies, thought I would drop on to say hi as it's been a while.

Banana: I'm so sorry you are where you are but glad you got the closure that you needed. You are an amazing woman.

San Fran: hope you are enjoying your time off lovely

Bigger boat: I hear you re forums, IVF failure needs to be spoken about so much more. I love this thread because it's the ONLY safe space I've come across on this journey, if you mention the reality of IVF not working, which is the case for so many people, you are brushed off as being negative or a silly comment.

It's now officially a year since I've been off work. I'm in awe of those of you still going with it through this nightmare.

Hope you all have a lovely bank hol weekend and hi to everyone on this thread xx

if you mention the reality of IVF not working, which is the case for so many people, you are brushed off as being negative or a silly comment.

Yes exactly mrsfw.

It's almost as if it's unacceptable to be worried it won't work. I hope I'm not making assumptions about others, but I think for many of us, we are terrified it won't work and the idea of it never working is one of our biggest fears about the entire process, but if you mention this, your fears are often totally dismissed with some kind of platitude about thinking positive or it all being ok I'm the end. I mean, how can anyone know this? Even the doctors treating me who have access to all the medical facts don't know this because no one can know it. I'd far rather my fears and concerns were actually acknowledged particularly as I find it hard enough to talk to people about this as it is.

Earlgrey, I have spent so much time trying to be positive during treatment and I can tell you that it makes fuck all difference. The only cycle I had no hope for was the one that worked. My only natural pregnancy was at a time when I was drowning my sorrows and grieving.

I hate it when I have (rarely) confided in people about how much I am struggling, and it is swept away by platitudes of positivity. It's grossly offensive.

Huge hugs to you banana. It's so frustrating and so unfair. I hope you can find some peace whilst you think about next steps. My due date is coming up soon too, and two friends are due a day either side. Just be kind to yourself and enjoy the retail
therapy.

I also can't be bothered with infertility pages any more, bigger. Unless people have lost babies or had multiple failures, they often don't understand what it's like to face up to it never happening.

Baby and pregnancy announcements are tormenting me. I was very typical amongst my friends. Started ttc around 32 and there are loads of 2-3 year olds out there of friends who did the same. Now I'm get bombarded with second baby/pregnancy announcements, a neat 3 years apart. God it's gutting.

I feel generally angry today. Angry at my mum (she doesn't give a shit and hasn't supported me at all after my mcs). I also feel cross with DH after he made a fuss about going to drop my notes to the FC tomorrow (he's off work). I mean ffs - I had to have 18 vials of blood taken and had a bruise the size of my fist for 10 days, and that's just in the last fortnight. A FIVE minute drive is hardly a big ask. Angry that everyone in my life is pregnant but no one ever asks me how I am, even though I have had two miscarriages in 6 months. Grrrrr!

Sorry for the rant!

I'm with you on the torment of the pregnancy and birth announcements of others Tigerdog.

It's something I've previously really struggled with. I say previously struggled with as I'm so barren that most of my friends have had 2 in a shorter time than we've been TTC and they've completed their families now and the announcements have become much less frequent.

My particular highlight was shortly after our fairly disastrous first cycle when we were just embarking on our second one and 5 friends had their babies in the same month and one announced their pregnancy of their perfectly spaced 2nd a neat 2 years after the first. I found it really upsetting and then felt really bad about myself as rather than being pleased for them I felt angry and upset which made me feel like an awful bitter person.

The way people "planned the gap" also gave me the rage as they'd talk about thinking of trying for the next one and then boom instadiffed as planned. I felt irrationally angry with them and how it all worked out so perfectly for them. It used to make me feel so upset when they'd talk about this in such a carefree way, as if there was no chance of it not happening at the intended time while I couldn't become flipping pregnant with the first at any time at all despite science and huge doses of drugs. Obviously mean drugs in the non recreational sense, although I did quite enjoy the anaesthetics in the process.

Sorry, for the rant too. You started me thinking about feelings which are unacceptable to express to anyone who hasn't been in the same boat.

My DH recently became an uncle and felt so guilty for not being completely happy for this brother, because of our struggles (we've been trying for double the amount of time his brother and wife have even known each other and their child, of course, arrived the perfect 9 months after their wedding). It's a horrible situation and there are so many complex feelings that people don't realise (they assume it's just jealousy but it's so much more than that).

I was flicking through the Times just now in a coffee shop and say the headline about some hideous person (from Bake Off - one of the contestants? Not Mary Berry although I know she's said similar in the past, I quickly moved to the next page because the headline was so infuriating) saying that the reason Theresa May cut funding for obesity was because she was childless. FFS. There are plenty of reasons to criticize May, a multitude, but berating her because she's childless and therefore couldn't possibly care about children or people in general is just fucking mean and idiotic and says so much more about the person who said is than the person it's ostensibly supposed to be attacking.

Delurking to reply to Tammy - it was Thomasina Miers, who won Masterchef one year and set up wahaca (last time I eat there).

Fucking smug bitch she is too, although if it's any consolation she's getting an absolute hammering on Twitter for it.

It's also a hugely ironic and misguided thing to claim, because surely the main people responsible for childhood obesity are... ... PARENTS 😑

Ah, thanks, I must have skipped past the page too quickly andd only clocked it was a cooking contest show. I shall also be boycotting Wahaca (however the only time I've ever been there all the food was drenched in evil coriander so it's no real hardship).

+The way people "planned the gap" also gave me the rage as they'd talk about thinking of trying for the next one and then boom instadiffed as planned.*

Oh this with bells on. I have a friend who keeps banging on about timing her next baby so her maternity leave will end just before the summer holidays (teacher). Do these people genuinely have no idea that you can't just decide you want to be pregnant and make it so? I did say that it doesn't always work like that and she replied "it's just a case of mind over matter". It makes me want to throw things.

For some people it is that bloody easy purple, and they can't comprehend otherwise. The mind over matter comment though, wtf! I think I would have lost my temper at that point.

Thomasina Miers is a smug bitch Angelica! She was on the radio the other day, trying to make out she was alternative and striking out boldly for not going to university and into banking like all her posh public school chums. The funds to travel, go to a top cookery school and launch a restaurant in Covent Garden hardly came from a Saturday job, did they?! Grrr.

And yes to obesity being caused by parents - surprise surprise obese friend has an overweight kid. Her view of healthy eating and portion sizes are massively skewed and have been passed on.

The 'you couldn't possibly understand if you don't have a child' brigade are extremely annoying, Tammy, I agree! Usually the same people who are insensitive and unsupportive on matters relating to fertility, and probably the same ones who pronounce that IVF shouldn't be funded on the NHS, whilst their little darlings cost the taxpayer millions.

And you're spot on with the complexity of dealing with close family members announcements. I'm so conflicted - I'm really happy for my SIL but being at a family meal, having to witness the excitement and the bump will really hurt. It will remind me that I couldn't carry my babies without them dying, and that's too hard at the moment.

In other news, I found out today that I have an ectopic kidney, which means it is in my pelvis and not up under my rib cage! So many scans and no one has ever told me or documented it in my medical notes! That's why my right ovary is inaccessible sometimes during scans and egg collection. Isn't that bonkers?! Apparently it doesn't cause issues. I also have a small cyst on my left ovary. Not sure what that means, I'm
back at the recurrent miscarriage clinic next week to discuss it, and getting my immune results on Friday.

I would like to post here please, for the first time, if that's ok. Because I recognise a lot of my old friends. Hugs to you all.

Just home from hospital, eleven week scan. Our Baby has died. I was given four options. One, wait and see what happens. Two, medical management, three general anaesthetic operation, four local anaesthetic operation. Now that I am home and on Internet I'm not sure I should have been making those decisions this morning, I can barely remember what happened.

I chose medical management and was given an oral tablet, and have to go back Monday and stay all day. I now feel like I have made a mistake. Google seems to suggest this is the worst option although nurse said it was the best.

Could someone please take some time to explain to me what they will do on Monday. She said it was just another pill but that I had to stay there because I live more than an hour away from hospital. Internet is suggesting drips and pessaries none of which was mentioned.

I feel absolutely broken in two, mainly for my lovely dh, who left the hospital and fell to bits. What have I done to him.

I'm sorry for joining to ask this but I don't want to start a thread where I don't know who is responding and I trust you all best.

Thank you so much.

Oh fourpaws, I'm so so sorry 😢. What a fucking shit, unfair, hideous thing for you and DH to go through. Sending you a huge virtual hug, I'm sure someone else will be on with useful advice soon but I'm here if
you need a handhold xxxxx

Fourpaws I'm so sorry to hear your news. I know there's absolutely nothing to say that will make it any better. Sending a virtual hug and hand hold.

Different trusts will have different protocols but if you've been told that you'll be given a pill without pessaries, it sounds like that is what your local area usually does. That will start the process and that's quite likely all you'll need (sometimes there is a second lot of pills later but again it depends on the trust). Were you given a contact number for the hospital? You could potentially give them a call and ask what their usual protocol is.

There are no words.

Quickly delurking to tell @fourpawswhite I had a medical management with my mmc earlier this year. I had 4 vaginal pessaries followed by 2 oral and kept overnight in hospital. It didn't work for me despite feeling like my back was breaking from the pain. About 3 days after I was discharged from the hospital I properly started to miscarry. It will be quite painful so take all the drugs you can get! If you feel that you've made a mistake and want to go for a surgical option don't hesitate to tell them. Demand whatever you need or feel you need.

I think about everyone else on this thread often and just want to say how fucking amazing you all are.

So, so sorry to hear your news fourpaws. Life is so unfair most of the time sometimes. I second what Again says - if you feel like you made a mistake then it's not to late to change your mind. Personally, having had surgical management I would not hesitate to have it again but I understand it's a very personal decision and only you know what's right for you. Hugs to you and mrfourpaws.

I don't know if I have made a mistake. I don't know what I want, none of this at all really but that's not going to happen. Maybe I need to step away from Google and make peace with my decision. Thank you for your kind words. Thinking of you all. Xx

Also delurking to send four some hugs. I had only had a "natural" mc so have no experience to add but agree that defiantly take all the painkillers and time you need and it's not too late to change your mind on which method if you want. Thinking of you xx

Oh four sending you and your dh lots of hugs. It is so shitty. I can't offer any advice on the 'options' but will be thinking of you xx