Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Just thought I'd put this here - I love Maxine Peake and she's spoken before about her failed IVF attempts and mentions it a bit in this interview too, and all the crap you get for not being a mother. One of my heroes! www.theguardian.com/culture/2017/apr/29/maxine-peake-corbyn-supporter-need-coup

@sunny, have you looked abroad for de,its bout half the price of uk x

So sorry you find yourself here sunny - and that we find ourselves together again on the infertility boards, bloody years later.

So, latest in 'crass comments from medical professionals'

At the Coventry miscarriage clinic on Fri, the eminent Prof told me

• that I am one of "the weirdest" cases he's ever seen
• that he'd only ever seen what I was describing in mice, never in humans
• marked my file and sample as 'special' (to run a shitload of extra tests)
• reiterated how 'very weird' I was
• introduced me to his colleague as being very unusual because I was 'like a mouse'

He agreed we'd exhausted all our options and that surrogacy was the way forward - the tests are more about possible explanations rather than unlocking any solutions.

DH was really pissed off when I got home and gave him the run down, he said being referred to as a mouse was really dehumanising. Tbh I feel like a lab rat anyway so barely noticed it.

Apart from being treated like an interesting specimen rather than a human who's experienced the agony of infertility and pregnancy loss, it was productive. The whole point of coming to the clinic was just to get closure - so we could say we'd been to the top researcher into the endometrium in the country (maybe even the world) and we'd left no stone unturned.

The fact he said (pending test results) that it's very likely we have exhausted all our options and surrogacy is the only way forwards, is essentially what I went to hear.

One more ovulation induction cycle to do the repeat biopsy, then finally, finally, done with fertility meds and being poked and prodded. And we can get on with grieving.

Oh bananafish, what an ordeal and crazy situation you found yourself in with the latest appointment. I would lean with your DH being pissed off, that's no way to be spoken to . You are human. You are a woman. And yes, you may have some intricacies but no reason to be treated or spoken to like that.

But... it's best to never harbour anger. And sounds like that is what you were expecting from the meeting, to hear it officially. So now you find yourself in a place of reality and the control back in your hands of how you deal with things now.

I cannot imagine everything you have been through over the years, but from various posts I've seen you sound amazing and strong. And that includes facing some time to grieve, if that is where you are at now.

Please keep us posted on your next plans and how you are doing. You have a community of woman (who also feel like lab mice through the process!) at your side. Virtual hugs

I've just read my way through all of this thread, and it's such a relief after the all the BFPs that seem to occur on other threads - although also sad that so many people are going through this hell I have had 2 miscarriage and a pregnancy that implanted in my cervix and so had to be terminated. Have seen many doctors and am coming to the conclusion that I have a thin lining (4.7 at last ovulation), which probably caused the cervical pregnancy, and poss the other 2 miscarriages. I'm posting really because of what bananafish81 has said about Prof Brosens (despite his insensitivity! )! How does one get to see him? I'm assuming only privately (we are teachers and have no insurance and therefore not much money :-()

Hi Laine, you can self refer to see Prof Bosens/Quenby in Coventry. From memory of you google them, there is a phone number which you phone and a secretary sends you an email with all the details of what to expect etc. I think they only do their private clinics on Monday and Friday afternoon. It is a good service and not expensive (?£360) as I suspect it is not-for-profit rather than truly private.

Quick update, my sister is not preggers. I think that means that I am paranoid and anxious and obsessed with people getting pregnant!

Thanks Sanfran -£360 doesn't seem too bad in the scheme of things

It's now £540 as they do two serial biopsies rather than the one biopsy they used to do. This includes two F2F consults and the phone consultation to follow up with the results x

I was just replying with the same info banana, as I called them today to see if it was worth me repeating the test. They used to chuck in the second one for free!

I think I'll be avoiding a repeat of that pleasure for now, as I'm probably going to hand over a wedge to Care for level one and two immune testing. I'm not surprised at your experience, banana, I came away feeling dismissed as medically boring and was also offered a rather flippant £20 bet that I'd get pregnant. Which I did, so he won that one, but it didn't end well. Massive hugs to you for the continued shitness.

I had my NHS recurrrent miscarriage appointment today. Was a bit of a waste of time - they only do a small subset of the bloods that Care would do and half the tests I've had already so not convinced it will show anything. Follow up is in 5 weeks time. Couldn't really answer any of my questions, and didn't get to see the actual consultant, just one of the registrars. Then saw a nurse about research trials but they were mostly for people who were pregnant, so nothing investigative.

I guess that's good news then sanfran, although speaking from experience, the paranoia is just as exhausting and upsetting as the real thing!

Turns out that no internet and too much gin can be a dangerous combination. With too much time to mull things over by the fire, I had a big old sobbing meltdown and a row with DH. I hadn't really cried since my last mc at all, so I think it was probably about time I let it out. Have been feeling very tearful ever since, although we made up immediately. Feeling quite low at the prospect of trying again, and more treatment.

Thanks bananafish81 - even £540 doesn't seem too awful if it's worth it (not like the £4000 I was told it would cost me to have an op to remove a tiny bit of 'debris' removed from my cervix . It's insane how much money can be sunk into this.

Tiger I totally get where you are coming from. We are starting again soon on the rollercoaster of ICSI and I can't shake feeling so anxious again about everything.

My husband and I sat and actually talked through all the potential bad things that we might get told eg, "none of your eggs have fertilised" or "we have nothing to transfer" etc etc. Not because we are negative, but I hate the thought of being surprised by bad news, I just have to be prepared.

I have decided to take a block of 2 weeks off work this time too. I have a front facing job with the public, which is stressful, and I am concerned I won't be able to concentrate at work.

One day at a time. One appointment or phone call at a time.

How is everyone today? It's been a bit quiet in here. Hope you all had good weekends?

Where are you up to now Sanfran? Hope all is going well.

I'm not doing so well at the moment. I got a faint positive this month followed by heavy bleeding at only 10dpo, so that's messed with my head a bit.

I'm also feeling really anxious. Just a horrid sickening worried sensation that won't shift. I'm not sure where it is coming from. I suspect it is partly because my first due date is looming and my birthday is looming. My dog is also ill, and I'm going to have to face up to a close family members pregnancy at a family event, and I feel sick at the thought. Found myself suddenly in tears in the supermarket this afternoon, for no reason really.

I'm also getting back on the bandwagon for further treatment. Doing a whole raft of tests next week and then follow up and probably more IVF, I guess.

I'm sure I'll cheer up once my period is out of the way (hormones are definitely a factor!) but right now I'm just a miserable old git!

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day tiger. Sometimes it all does just get too much & on top of us. And the tears just come. Sounds like a real mindmess you're having to deal with the mixed signals. Plus all the external things you can't control either. I really sympathise. Important dates, family event, and sorry to hear your doggy isn't well.
Don't underestimate the hormones for sure. Have a day to wallow if that's where you're at & hopefully tomorrow will be brighter & you will be in mindset to focus on tests & deciding on best next steps. Wishing you the best & this is the right place to reach out when you are feeling low

Hey tigerdog so sorry to hear about the faint positive, no wonder you are feeling low that is just so miserable. Hope your dog is ok/on the mend, its such a worry when pets are sick. And dealing with a family members pregnancy must be so hard, you certainly have a lot on your plate. I think the run up to ivf can be incredibly stressful, to be honest with all that going on you should give yourself a pat on the back for holding it together so well!
I am pretty miserable tbh. It seems I now wake up every morning and have a moment of peace before I remember we will probably never have children which is a really miserable start to the day. I have put on almost a stone in the last few months and am really struggling to drop it again, I tend to overeat when stressed and miserable and I can't seem to turn it around. And I had a stupid argument with DH this morning Hows everyone else doing?

Thank you both. The solidarity and support is much appreciated. Today was indeed a better day. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling miserable too zippy. Massive hugs. I'm the same with eating and I'm feeling chubby. Going to start the 30 day shred tomorrow in an attempt to combat the feeling shite about myself.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low bigger. Fuck it indeed. I know exactly how you feel sadly. I'm crap at my job these days. I feel like I'm hanging in there on the threads of a previously good reputation and the fact that I was once intelligent, before my mind got taken over by infertility. Occasionally I feel like my old self but even then I don't have the confidence. Add that to my haggard face which is etched with the sadness of the last four years, and I feel like a pretty shitty version of myself. I took a family friendly job 5 years ago. Thankfully I didn't stick at it (soul-destroyingly boring) and have had a couple more moves up the career ladder, so I haven't stagnated too much. I found a massive job change really invigorated me when I felt low. It forced me to work at my best for a while and distracted from the rest of the shit. Where are you with treatment at the moment? Hope things improve at work too.

Had a call from my best friend today. She's pregnant with number two. Happy for her, of course but so gutted that I won't be sharing in this experience with her. It's so fucking lonely.

Hi all

Ive been keeping an eye on this thread but didn't have much to add until today. What biggerboatneeded said really resonated with me. For the last couple of years I've been furiously scheduling fertility treatment into my schedule and feel like I haven't been as good at work as I used to be. And it gets me down because this stress is likely to continue until this is over, through success or menopause. It's so grim and honestly I feel like I'm juggling two jobs.

Can I ask you experienced women for advice? I spoke to the clinic and asked them when they thought I should go again. They basically said not to wait too long- few months (I'm almost 37) but I'm due to see my woo practitioner next week (Tcm/acupuncture). How do I make the decision when to go again? I also feel like I need to lose a chunk of weight too.. Where does the balance lie? I'm also still pretty early days (3weeks) from my latest failed cycle and still reeling a bit emotionally. Really scared of doing another cycle (my third fresh) and failing again, feel like I'm turning into a statistic.

It's really hard to know when to start again Amara. I know that the gaps between cycles have frustrated me, even though I've basically been doing IVF or have been pregnant or miscarrying for over two years. Even when not in active treatment, I've been in and out of hospital. I'm also 37 soon and think once I've had my various rmc and immune tests, I'm going to cycle again as soon as I can. My last miscarriage was two months ago, and I'm ready to get going.

Rant starting.
Why do people who have been successful in having children frequent the infertility boards wit such regularity? There are 2 or 3 people who comment on almost all threads with their stories, claiming to be the oracle on all things fertility.
I completely understand that sharing experiences can be helpful, and I really appreciate the people who provide their stories whilst being supportive and realistic.
But I keep reading posts from people who don't really appear supportive, in fact quite negative.
If I am ever successful, I promise not to do this!

I hear ya sanfran although I've not read the recent posts as I have not been around infertility much recently ( I feel a bit infertile for infertility now if you know what I mean! Clicking on becoming a parent just seems ridiculous..) There do seem to be a few people who really feel that because it worked for them it can work for anyone. They don't seem to realise they are the extremely lucky ones..

Completely agree too sanfran. It's not helpful. People need to consider their audience and also find a balance between sharing their story and supporting others to share theirs. We did this session at work about active listening and it made me think of it this (and MN generally as so many posters are just dying to share their story and not bothered about hearing anyone else's). You're not listening to someone properly if all you are doing is hearing their story as an opportunity to share your own.

I'm feeling pretty low. Another baby bomb, feel like I'm under siege from them at the moment. Really finding it hard to be happy day to day.

Why do people who have been successful in having children frequent the infertility boards wit such regularity?

Totally agree. I think they think it's meant to show it can work. The statistics show it can work, anecdotes don't help. There'll always be someone somewhere who against all the odds succeeded if you look hard enough for them (rather like searching for a lottery winner). Just because x,y or z worked for someone else doesn't mean it will for you. I particularly hate the "we went to X clinic, they did Y and the result is sleeping upstairs". It just sounds so bloody twee and smug, even if it's well intended. To me it sounds as likely as aliens landing in my back garden now and taking me to the moon for lunch tomorrow. Just not helpful. What I actually want to say is just FUCK OFF

I agree with tigerdog you're not listening if all you're doing is waiting for the chance to tell your own story.

God yes. THIS

I'm such a bitter old crone. The 'I had one cycle and one egg and one baby' stories and the 'we had IVF and then got a natural BFP and the result is sleeping upstairs' stories don't give me hope, they just piss me off. Well bully for you.

I know the success stories are intended as helpful stories of hope from those who came through the other side.

I know people who are new to infertility need hope and I am imposing my experience of ongoing failure and false hope onto their situation.

Still fucks me right off though.

(that's why we need the 9th batalllion as a safe space!!)

bananafish81 I'm a bitter old crone too.

I was a pessimistic bitter old crone before I'd even got half way through my first round. I remember being in the waiting room at the clinic and breaking all clinic etiquette by actually speaking to one of the other patients there. I mentioned the possibility of the cycle not working. She looked aghast and as if she'd not realised failure was even a possibility. I sometimes wonder if my negativity is the reason for our multiple failures (even though logically I know it isn't),