Multiple failures, a place to chat

[Zippybear]

Anyone else out there with multiple failures wondering what to do next? We've just had our fourth embryo transfer fail. Issues on both sides. In the last year I've had two surgeries, dh has had one and we are still no further forward. We haven't had a holiday that wasn't time off for ivf since 2015. We feel battered and bruised and stuck on a hellish infertility rollercoaster that we can't get off unless we want to accept childlessness we have another nhs cycle but I'm not sure I can cope with it (or if there is any point). I don't know whether to give up, think of donor, adoption or just accept our lot. Anyone else wondering the same?

Just catching up on thread... sorry banana you've had such a bloody awful time.

Novelty welcome. We particularly appreciate dark humour, sarcasm and self pity.

I am sorry you have been having a shit time. Life is so painfully unfair.

My strong recommendation is to give up facebook and shut down your account. Free yourself from the temptation- I did and not regretted once. All the "lets pretend our lives are wonderful" shit that goes on facebook really pisses me off. I still have Whatsapp conversations with groups/friends and family so I keep up with the people I love and care about.
There is an occasional big piece of news that I miss but my best friend has usually rung me to inform after 5 mins. The rest is mundane shit. I really don't care what an ex colleague's child's Halloween costume is!

Thanks SanFran that made me smile. Glad to see self pity welcome. Facebook should be renamed 'Your Ex Colleague's Child's Halloween Costume and Other Mundanities'.

You are absolutely right, I really do need to shut my account. I only go on it very infrequently as it, it's not like it's a lifeline. I have this bizarre notion that I may may miss out on something. I need to pluck up the courage and maybe my impending 40th would be a good time to break free.

Hi Barren Army,

Just catching up on the thread and I'm so upset to see such sad news everywhere.

A big thank you to everyone for your kind words during my all time low. More on that below. But first...

Mrsfw what a heartbreak. To get that phone call or even rocking up to the clinic and seeing the embryologists faces with crooked half smiles trying to look sympathetic and you know it's bad news before they open their mouths to speak. In my failed FET last year we had two frosties, one didn't survive the thaw so we had all our hopes on the one put back in only for it to fail miserably. I remember being really angry at the frostie that didn't survive the thaw. I thought 'you little fucker WHY couldn't you make it? What was wrong with you? Asshole embryo. Fuck you.' I still think 'what if' from time to time about that frostie; what if it survived the thaw would I now be expecting a baby in a few months time..?

Amara doesn't matter how many times you're used to seeing a stark white pregnancy test, it doesn't get any easier and I'm really sorry you've had another failed cycle. Hugs to you. I don't think there's a limit on how many transfers you can do in a year. I do know that you can't do a fresh cycle within 3 months of the last fresh cycle because there's still hormones coursing around the body. Not sure how factual that is, but heard it from a barren friend of mine who's also at the same clinic as me.

Zippy don't get me STARTED on other threads on MN. The conception board... I just... I just can't. There was one woman saying she's freaking out because she conceived her DS on Cycle 2 and now she's on Cycle 3 TTC #2 and it just hasn't happened yet for her. Oh no! What fresh hell she must be living through!!!

Tiger not long to go until your RMC appointment. I really hope it's useful and that they treat your situation with care.

Welcome Novelty. Just want to echo what SanFran said - get rid of Facebook. I did last year and it's the best thing I've ever done. I also can't stand the "My life is Perfect" posts when I know a lot of people's life isn't perfect - I've just got the balls big enough to admit it. You won't be missing out on anything by leaving Facebook. Like Leo says in Wolf of Wall Street "Pick up the phone and start dialling". Your friends are just a short phone call or text away :)

Banana I think of you often and look to you for strength. Actually all of us ladies on here! Can't believe how we all get out of bed everyday and continue with our lives. Big hugs and waves to elbob user and bigger Really sorry if i missed anyone.

So an update from me: Last few weeks have been awful. I had packed a suitcase and rang my mum to tell her I'm coming home. Got very upset when I called the pet airline company who told me because my parents live outside of the EU my furbaby is subject to various conditions and no way could I take him with me then and there. I cried. A lot. H begging to fix things and we had an emergency marriage counselling session. Counsellor was shocked how we are still standing given all the shit we've been through. H and I love each other a lot but the last few years have been overwhelming, not least of which my mum's just been diagnosed with ovarian cancer (this is after H's mum died of ovarian cancer). It just feels like our lives are a series of bad news. When we started TTC 3.5 years ago I stopped working shortly after because I thought given my age at the time I'd get pregnant within a few months (HA HA HA) so I've fucked up my career - I can't get a job paying what I was on before and I can't get an entry-level job because I'm overqualified. So I'm basically going stir-crazy being at home waiting for a baby and need to find myself some sort of routine to get some kind of normality in my life, even if that's working on a shop floor for minimum wage.

Not only have I failed in my career, I feel like I've failed in my marriage and my friendships.

I flew to my Uncle's house on Monday (in the EU) taking some time away from London and H and taking some time to b r e a t h e and "find myself". I'm also getting lots of counselling as I think I was on the brink of a full-on nervous break down last week.

And now for a glimmer of hope. H and I went through with FET last Saturday as we felt we didn't come this far just to get this far (if that makes sense). I know H and I weren't in a great place but every time I tried to all the clinic to cancel the FET I burst in to tears and couldn't get my words out so I knew I did in fact want to go through with it.

Well what do ya fuck'n know I tested early and it was positive. H flying in tomorrow (and bringing some more cyclogest!) and will return to London together next week.

Again wow that was a rollercoaster read...so sorry about your mum's sad news; really flipping good news about the result though - keeping all fingers crossed for you!

I will deffo start dialling, good mantra that.

What was your career (if you're able to say without compromising anonymity)? Am sure you haven't buggered it up with just a few years off. And sounds like you'll have a really good reason for being off work soon.

Again
Tentative congratulations. What a shit storm you've been through recently.

BANANA you rock. That is all.

again tentative congrats, what a whirlwind / rollercoaster ride!

Wow again! Everything crossed for this one.

Again. Not really sure where to start?! Will be quietly keeping my fingers crossed for you...

2 questions everyone.....
Do you all do high protein/low carb diets for IVF?
Does anybody feel that accupuncture has been beneficial? I did it (for the first time during last cycle). We did get further than previous but I can't say that I think accupuncture had anything to do with it. I also did not find it in the least relaxing.
Thoughts?

Acupuncture. Not sure it is useful but I go because I love the lady I see. She has 20+ years of treating ladies with infertility and we discuss everything in detail. I feel listened to and supported and that is why I go. There are studies that show it is beneficial in IVF so I also like to have some sessions around that. It's also accessible and easy to get to so no stress to make appointments - if it was a mission I wouldn't do it.

I did follow a high protein and low carb diet in the run up to IVF and more generally, although recent pregnancies have made that go to pot. I had a better outcome on the cycle where I went for high protein, but there were far too many variables to say if it was a factor. I also go gluten free as Coeliacs runs in my immediate family and we are all intolerant to some extent, or possibly undiagnosed. I feel so much better for it. On the flip side though, I had my first ever natural bfp after 4 years, immediately after a month of binge drinking and eating shite.

The key - don't beat yourself up and do what works for you. Of course I can dish that sort of platitude out but struggle to follow my own advice!! Hope it's all going ok.

That is interesting Tiger. I was hopeful that the lady I saw (also many years infertility accupuncture) would want to talk to me. Instead she spends approx 3 mins jabbing me and then leaves me there for 20-25 mins staring at the ceiling, thinking about IVF.
But I just found a recent meta-analysis saying that it is beneficial in assisted conception. I'll probably end up wasting more of my hard earned cash again!
I'll think about it....

Sanfran, (my iPhone just amended that to Sandra!) if you're based in the Midlands then I can definitely recommend my lady. Also, I saw someone lovely in Crouch End who I would also recommend if you are London based - let me know and I can send you their details.

Low carb / high protein. I did this religiously (+ all the supplements) for the three months before my first and second cycles, my egg quality was shite for both. Third cycle I didn't know we were going to be able to cycle again so quickly after my ERPC - I'd been self meditating post miscarriage with copious amounts of chocolate and booze. For the 2 months prior to the cycle I ate pretty much nothing of any nutritional value, and got totally and utterly shitfaced what turned out to be 5 days before starting stims I asked my Dr if we should delay the cycle, as my lifestyle hadn't been exactly, er, optimal. He said diet would make marginal difference as egg quality was determined primarily by two things;

1. age (can't do anything about that)
2. the ovarian environment created by the stims (fuck yeah science)

I'm not advocating for the chocolate and vodka diet, but my embryos from my third cycle were the best ever (Cycle 1 and 2 together I got 1 normal embryo vs Cycle 3 where I got 6 normals. My uterus is shit so I've miscarried 2 normals, but the embryo quality was good!) Which leads me to conclude that yes by all means make dietary changes that will benefit your overall health and wellbeing, but don't be a martyr and deny yourself everything, as this process is hard enough

Acupuncture - I went for 15 months because I felt I ought to (because every fucker on the internet said it worked for their crap lining) and I didn't want to feel guilty for not trying hard enough. But it never did anything and I never got anything out of it whatsoever. It did nothing whatsoever for my lining, and I don't find it in the slightest bit relaxing - I just lie there pissed off about being fleeced of a shitload of cash for supposedly magic needles! It was such a relief once I stopped going to acupuncture, and decided to spend the time and money on things that also don't make any difference to my lining but which I do really enjoy - eg a massage or facial or getting my nails done. Each to their own - if you enjoy it then go for it. But I didn't, and wish I'd let myself stop going much earlier than I did.

Cautious tentative congrats to again, bloody hell what a rollercoaster

I think we do bigger! She is lovely, but I only go occasionally around an IVF cycle now, just to be able to talk things through if nothing else.

Hope everyone is doing ok?

I am having pcod problem. All major minor test done. All tests of mine and my husband r positive. Even follipian tubes r open too. Already try clomid, metformin 1000mg. Trying from last one year no results. From last 3 months my periods delayed like 7-15 days. Today is my 5th day of missed period. Anyone here with same problem?

@Preetsainii this is a thread for people with multiple IVF failures, you might be better on one of the Clomid threads for PCOS advice about ovulation. Good luck.

Hi girls-

Happy bank holiday weekend (am starting early as all drugs now officially out my system so enjoying drinking every day, genuinely, no shame)

A belated welcome to you novelty, I hope your time with us is short 😊

Again wow, a crazy few weeks but big congrats and I hope we never see you on here again 😉

SanFran I might be one of the few that does enjoy acupuncture, which is the main reason why I continue to go, I go to the London acupuncture clinic but agree with the others, a facial or massage would be as equally beneficial for relaxation purposes. They also listen to be offload so I count it as mini therapy at the same time.

I've really appreciated all your support recently - you are all amazing. We've started to tell our families that having a child that is genetically linked to both of us is not an option. It makes it more real and forces me to deal with it. URGH.

Banana Still sending you hugs and hope you are OK.

Xx

Hi! Anyone want to join my pity-party? My DH and I did 3 rounds of IVF with ICSI. First was an ectopic and other 2 failed to implant. I'm 42 so doctor recommended DE but we can't afford it. Although it's been 6 months since we decided to stop trying I feel like I'm still grieving. I feel a bit stuck in the anger/ F**K it all stage. Some days better than others, but this week has just been miserable.

My DH is on a business trip, so I have too much time to think about how different I thought our life together would be like. He has immersed himself in his work..and here I am like an idiot on my own. I have 2 teen SDs and there are days where I really resent my DH for it. Last Sunday was one of those days. When he got back from dropping them off at their mum's he was glowing because they had given him "really sweet daughter hugs" when they said goodbye. All I could think was " You are so F*ing insensitive. I will never know what that feels like". I just started to cry.

Sometimes I feel angry that he will never know what it's like to feel the emptiness of being childless. Like many of you I don't know anyone else who doesn't have kiddos. I'm the only one in my circle of friends that didn't get pregnant with IVF. It can feel so lonely and unfair.

So tonight I am throwing myself a little pity-party. So grateful for a safe space to vent the sadness and anger of this process. Tomorrow will be a new day.

Sunny that would've upset me too. I also know very few people without kids, particularly from my year at school. I'm 39 and there has been lots of people remaking contact to organise 40th bday parties etc this year. Cannot believe that so few people seem to be without children. Can make you feel very alone.

Re acupuncture - I tried three different acupuncturists over the years. One was a nice experience, another felt like torture; although she was lovely to chat to I was actually yelping at points with the pain. I still don't think she can have been doing it properly. How can something that makes you swear out loud (I had to apologise whenever it happened) be relaxing?

Third lady was from the stick needles in forehead, leave room for 25 mins. I was so bored!

Appreciate that if you find a good one like the first one, it may be worth a shot.

Urgh sunny, that's really insensitive and shit. It must be hard to stop trying if you have no more funds rather than because you are ready to stop. I'm not surprised you're feeling angry. Vent away.

I also have very few friends without kids, but I'm making an effort to seek out the ones I do have a bit more.

Mrsfw, I'm also enjoying booze, cheers!

I have my recurrent miscarriage appointment on Wednesday, so that will force me to pull my head out of the sand and think about next steps.

Hope you all have a good bank holiday weekend. We're off to a cottage with no wifi or phone reception in Wales - hiding from the world with a supply of rhubarb gin!