Hello barrens one and all
Hope you're enjoying some sunshine - both at home and abroad
bigger I did indeed go to Coventry (yes I was literally sent to Coventry) to try and have the uNK biopsy. We don't expect it to unlock any solutions, as whether the test says I'm high or low, the treatment recommendations are regarding what to do in a transfer cycle or post BFP. I can't even bloody get to the point of a transfer, so I can't see that it's gonna inform anything that'll solve my lining issues. The entire point of going was and is really just to speak to Prof Brosens, as they're the top researchers into the endometrium in the UK, and if anyone has any sideways thoughts that might provide an explanation as to what might be going on (if not any solutions to resolve the problem), it would be him. So much of his research underlines the importance of menstruation to the ability of the uterus to support a pregnancy, so I really just wanted to have a chat with him about my catastrophic periods and inability to regenerate my lining.
Funnily enough tiger he used those exact words when taking my history. He asked if I had any medical conditions / took any medication, and when I rattled the list off - he said 'we get lots of medically boring people through the doors but you are anything but that'. I long to be medically boring. Sigh. He seemed particularly interested in the Ehlers danlos syndrome, but didn't get chance to ask about it
Because as soon as I mentioned I'd had biopsies done the previous week he exclaimed 'oh shit!' and said we couldn't do the biopsy as it needed to be done in a 'virgin' month. And promptly turfed me out and told me to come back next month
He did a quick scan before chucking me out to check my lining and told me it was a remarkably thin endometrium (yes, I know, that's why I'm here). Given I'm now to do an HRT cycle and I don't respond to HRT, Christ knows what it'll be next month.
So I didn't get to ask anything or get his thoughts, or indeed have the biopsy, as I got chucked out halfway through. I didn't get charged, but it probably wouldn't have gone down too well to tell him I didn't even want his biopsy, I just wanted to speak to him!
In any case it's all academic as my period came and the last hail Mary mock cycle with all the Neupogen washes and gazillion eggs was a total car crash, as my period was the usual black sludge again. So it's now officially the end of the road.
DH and I had a good cry. He said that unfortunately we're going to have to get used to saying out loud 'we can't have children'. And that people won't get what that it's a grief that tears you apart, and won't have the same sympathy as when I said 'my mum's died'.
The thing about Coventry is that it just drags this out into an even longer, even slower death. We've tried for the best part of a year just to get me to menstruate, and we've reached the end of the line. But we won't really and truly be completely done until we've finished the Coventry investigations and have been able to get a second opinion to confirm that we really have exhausted all our options. We always said we didn't want to be chasing rainbows, and at this point we're just absolutely done in. I bawled all over DH that I just wanted this to be over. It's like when my mum was dying. We knew she was going to die, it was whether it would happen quickly or slowly and painfully. The end result would be the same, it was just whether it dragged out or not. But even though we knew it was coming, and could start to grieve in those final days, it wasn't really over until she was actually gone. And so even if I've stopped the stabbing and twice weekly dildocam, I'm still taking hormones and counting down till the appointment and waiting for test results and there's still the tiniest shred of hope that the eminent professor will say 'eureka I've got it!'
Part of me wants to sack it all off to save dragging it out, but I know I'll always wonder if we don't, so a few more months is nothing in the grand scheme of things. We're both just utterly exhausted. We have nothing left in the tank. We can't keep going on like this. We're not living, we're just existing.
So we're at the end, but the band aid isn't quite pulled off yet. So Coventry in 3 weeks time, then wait for biopsy result and repeat biopsy. Or, as I'm secretly hoping, I'll rock up at the appointment, have the consultation and ask all my questions, then we'll get to the biopsy and won't be able to do it because my lining will be so ridiculously thin there will be nothing to biopsy. And then he'll be able to agree that there's nothing more we can do. We just need to hear it from the top bloke so that we can truly draw a line under things knowing we really did leave no stone unturned
It was quite funny though. I told him we'd done ERA and he tried to tell me we'd done it on the wrong day and the result would be useless. I walked him through the timings and he was forced to admit that OK actually 5dpo was equivalent to a day 5 transfer day and had been done correctly
As he was turfing me out, he asked what I did for a living, as I seemed to speak very knowledgeably about reproductive medicine. I had to say no, I don't have a medical background - I've just read a LOT of Internet through a hell of a lot of treatment.
I think I'm going to ask my Dr NOT to tell me the results of the ERA test when they're back. Because it doesn't really matter. If it comes back as non receptive then at least that's pretty conclusive. But if it comes back as receptive, I don't know that I'm up to dealing with that information. Because it's just a kick in the teeth if my endometrium is nominally open for business, but still utterly, completely, broken.
I just want to get this over with so we can close the book on this whole sorry mess. And try to grieve and come to terms with it all. And build up the emotional reserves for the next stage of the journey, which absolutely terrifies the living fuck out of me.
In the mean time I've made an appointment with a Harley St dermatologist to try and sort out my PCOS acne and get some botox or filler done to sort out my crows feet
Sorry for epic ramble. Thanks for putting up with my witterings all x