The mind numbing boredom of infertility II

[PotatoesPastaAndBread]

This is a thread for peole who really want to get pregnant but can't, who have tried pretty much everything, and are really fucked off about it.

Have you ever nearly punched someone for advising you to "relax", "go on holiday" or "just get drunk - that's what we did"? Well then this is the thread for you.

You won't find much sentimentality here and there's no baby dust, but there is empathy, a lot of swearing and a surpirsing amount of glittery dog shit.

Link to the original thread
original thread

vixx yes I am about to start the IVF journey. I have had the AFC and AMH tests and now we have an appointment next Tuesday with the consultant to find out our fate. DH is optimistic about it all fool and let it slip the other day he thinks IVF is going to work first time. I pointed out that we haven't even been told yet that treatment is even an option for us. I can't seem to strike a balance between optimism and pessimism. I think that's because during the year of NHS treatment I had it drilled into me that my ovarian reserve is low, I'm on an amber warning, we must get cracking ASAP etc.. So when I went for the AFC I expected to see no follicles, 12 was quite a surprise!
I'm shitting it about Tuesday but also just need some answers and a plan of action.

Anyway, enough about me. Happy Monday everyone! Hope it's painless.

Here is a daft question for you ladies...what's the earliest I can test before the official test date? I'm debating whether to test just to calm myself (spotting a bit more, cramping a bit more and throw in the stuff with my gran)...or to wait til OTD...that is on Thursday

Thanks fractious it's a shit situation anyway, if I am upduffed then I would probably need to lie (don't want to announce it yet) but if I am not then I will be devastated. I don't think there's a right way to do this.

OTD is Thursday, I have one pregnancy test in my drawer and really it's only two days away...I'm just going nuts (and scared that the crying etc is going to affect the outcome!)

Hey Meh - it's not at all surprising or unusual that you're feeling stressed, given everything you're going through. Please don't worry that how you're feeling will affect the outcome. That's just another one off of those bullshit things they tell women - 'damnit woman, you're hysterical, stop crying immediately or you'll hurt the baby!' If stress and grief prevented women from having successful pregnancies, you wouldn't see any babies in war zones and refugee camps. Let yourself cry, don't beat yourself up for feeling how you can't help feeling, having lost your gran & being in peak post-IVF 2ww mental headfuck time. Be as kind yourself as you can. Huge huge hugs.

So I've just had my last scan before egg collection and I don't have many big-enough follicles at all. Consultant said I'm going to end up with 'considerably fewer than' the 5 embryos they like to have in order to go ahead with PGS.

Motherfucker.

PLUS I'm not allowed to wear any makeup when I come in for EC. Like this whole process isn't humiliating enough without having to parade my miserable pasty potato-face through London at rush hour. Inevitably this will be one of those Tube journeys where I bump into all my ex-boyfriends and everyone who was ever mean to me at school.

I've got 8 big-enough follicles (they weren't specific about the size). On Friday there were 12 that looked like they might get there, but it looks like several have stalled out. They've stimmed me for 12 days now on a pretty high dose, and the fear is that the big-enough ones will overcook if we leave it any longer. So they're taking what they can get.

They think they'll get 8 eggs, which at my age translates to 1 surviving embryo at day 5 if we're lucky. So if any make it, I need to decide whether to do another round of stims, or do a fresh transfer this time & steel myself for yet another miscarriage. Ugh. Why did I fucking bother.

Oh bip I'm sorry, will they put embryos back in earlier than day 5 at all? Sorry if that's a daft question.

Thanks for the advice ladies. I'm going to try and wait until Thursday to test and then deal with it all then. I just want to forget everything (had a small breakdown once we got home yesterday, Mr Meh was great! But now I'm feeling drained and tired. Cba with anything

Bip you only need one. It's quality over quantity. I had loads of follicles due to pcos and they collected 28. Out of that only 3 made. Don't give up hope. 8 collected will be enough.

Hello pinkheels! apathy/exhaustion/bitterness yup sounds about right. Welcome!

bip I was so glad DH drove me to EC cos I looked like death warmed up in his stretchy trackie bottoms for maximum comfort and we had to be there by 7am so left home before 6am. I looked even worse afterwards obvs but cared less then! Sorry about the follicles situation. That sucks. I reckon it's one for you, DH and a sneaky sniff of wine to talk over transfer vs try for more. Best of luck. I know comparing doesn't help but I'm close to your age (I'm almost 37) and I got 3x day-5 embies from 8 eggs. (Ignore that bit if it makes you want to roll your eyes at the irrelevance!). NB get home fast after EC. It fucking hurts. Much worse than post ERPC. I wanted to get in bed and stay there forever. And get more than paracetamol if you can (but you're not allowed ibuprofen, not sure about codeine).

meh everyone is right about the grief. Won't affect any pregnancy. Indulge your emotions asuch as you need to. Ref test day - difficult question. Your choice. I waited because I couldn't bear the disappointment but if I had my time again I'd do what fractious says and test early so I could spot a chemical pregnancy.

Here's hoping the week starts to get better for you guys.

Is icy still living it up in the Maldives do we think? Hope she finds us on her return!

Thing is, I do need several embryos for IVF to give me any better chance at a live birth than no treatment at all. Combination of my age & DH's mutant sperm & history of stillbirth & miscarriage means that genetic screening of embryos was the only compelling reason to do IVF. And you need a few embies for that.

The only way I can get through this is to manage my expectations very aggressively. It sounds bleak but after so much death & disappointment hope feels physically painful and I just can't afford to indulge in it.

Whoops x-post with Potatoes!

And welcome to Pinkheels

It's fascinating how differently everyone deals with every aspect of this. I am inspired and awe-struck by the willpower of those of you who can wait to test. I am a swivel-eyed piss-stick loon.

Meh if you cba doing anything, then don't. You've got plenty of good reasons to just sleep for the next few days. Really pleased Mr Meh's been great. Got everything crossed for the 2 of you.

Hellooo I have found my people!

Me: 38 (and counting)
DH: 37, but with swimmers that are even more laid back than he is (horizontal, not doing anything, certainly not swimming up my cervix in a timely manner).

Currently 4 days into my 2ww after what I think was a really shit round of ICSI (our first).

My AMH was 11 when we started the process and I managed to produce 29 follicles under stims. No-one's said anything about PCOS to me (am on the NHS), so don't know if I did well, or if there are issues with over-responding there.

However, that's where the good bits end. They oohed and ahhed over my follicle numbers, but it came to egg collection day, and they only managed to get 7 eggs.

Of those, two fertilised abnormally, one seemed to be normal, then on day 3 they said nope, it's hanging on in there are some more signs of abnormal cell division and more fragmentation than they'd like. Didn't give me a grade but said it was 'average quality' (which I'm thinking is a euphemism for 'poor'!) Depressing was not the word. They decided to transfer - but the embryologist's sympathetic looking face said it's not looking good.

Did anyone else get such detailed feedback on the state of their struggling (or otherwise) embryos?

And also - can anyone decipher what on earth went wrong? Is it my age, does DH have mutant (as well as lazy) sperm, or is it a sorry combination of both?

Eek. My results must've been bad huh? I killed the thread!

Hello HaroldandMadge I'm sorry, I have no idea what went wrong. We got 7 eggs and only one fertilised normally too. Poor Mr Meh was really upset by that (we have mfi)

Thanks bip I've basically had pizza for dinner and am ready for bed haha. Only 2 more days before I can test...gah!

Thanks too potatoes! I'm going to try and hold out - Mr Meh is adamant I do not test early! Heh

Hi all, sorry I've been so rubbish at keeping up, I'm lurking and reading I promise! Just been so busy.

Welcome to the newbies

Harold it takes more than bad egg fertilisation to kill this thread. Although I think decaffeinated tea could do it....

Thanks all - glad my depressing stats didn't kill the thread.

Meh it's reassuring to hear we're not the only ones with a 14% ICSI fertilisation rate! I keep reading things that say 75% is the usual.

Hey all marking my place and have had a quick read of the latest...welcome newbies!

Stats for me: TTC 2y 8mos, no sniff of a BFP in that time. I have polycystic ovaries (ie tons of eggs and irregular cycles but none of the other symptoms) and DH has a very low count. Had him on all sorts of tablets and he's gone from 1.2m to 4m in recent test. Whoop!

I'm on Notheristone until tomorrow then I wait for period then I have all my stims and scans to do. We're off to Reprofit in the Czech Rep for our very first round, EC hopefully around 18-20 March which is now THIS MONTH!

I have an excessive use of brackets and exclamation marks and make no apology for the same. I will absolutely not promise to stop swearing. Fuck. See?

Meh I'd have tested by now but I admire your willpower!

Potatoes thanks for the new thread, hope Icy can find us when she gets back from hols!

I am now crash dieting before we go away shortly - I HAVE to get under that stone mark

Good luck for the start of your cycle Laura. Are you on short protocol?

Thanks laura I don't think it is willpower - more like sticking my head in the sand as I am freaked out about testing and the result. Doesn't help that I'm spotting again :(

Meh I will be where you are in a week's time. Not looking forward to it!