DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

I think you need to separate the practical from the emotional and focus on ending her obligations re the contract and then getting somewhere new to live even if the cost is high unfortunately. Try to access all of the student support you can as you might then have more chance of getting back into halls.

On the second, emotional side- at the moment you don’t know if she happened upon a group of bullies or whether your daughter actually was really terrible to live with. I’d keen an open mind on that for now. If it was the latter, they’re also entitled not to have to live with someone who makes their lives harder. If the former, she’s better making a quick exit and moving on.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/eviction/end_of_student_tenancy

Sorry to hear your daughter has been treated badly OP. Of course we don’t know the other students’ side but no excuse for them to be so underhand. It’s eye-opening when your teens go to university how badly-brought up some of their peers are!
I include this from Shelter and I think your husband should try to sort the practicalities out today. Just my opinion but don’t dwell on trying to find their justification, move forward. (Note the date of 31st May in Shelter info but also that LL should have produced new contract). Your DH and daughter can get advice from the agent and student housing. I’m no expert and student housing can be a minefield but I include Shelter’s guidance as there may be a little urgency. Good luck.

This WAS the plan...

What sort of contract did she sign? When I was at uni we always signed a joint contract, so if anyone dropped out the the rest of the housemates had to pay, not just the person who dropped out. Houseshares always tended to be like this as you are renting the whole house between you, rather than the rooms separately with separate contracts. If it's a shared contract like this, well it's the other housemates problem as the landlord can recover the money from the other tenants, so they'd be rather foolish to do this.

Girls can be bitchy, but also if you live with a terrible housemate it can make living in a houseshare a nightmare. I imagine if they all don't want to live with her she must have some habits or behaviours they aren't keen on, there has to be a reason for it. I've lived with some odd people in house shares, some people you quite literally never want to see nevermind live with ever again. Your daughters best bet is to check the contract, if she is tied in she needs to get the room advertised so someone can take her place (I took someone's place in a uni houseshare when I started a job in my old uni town, I moved in in January, you'll find it much easier to fill now before term starts anyway). That houseshare 1 of the other people stopped paying rent, the landlord just took the money owed from the deposits at the end, I had thankfully not paid a deposit, the original girl didn't ask me to give her the money for it and I didn't sign anything so I didn't lose anything. You really need to trust people if you sign a joint contract.

If she's in a joint contract I'd go straight to looking at halls and not worry about finding a replacement let them pick their new housemate, it might not be what she wants (halls) but it'd be the easiest and probably safest option if she's a difficult housemate and the alternative is living completely alone.

Argh don’t do this, you don’t need to pile your own issues onto this and make it about you!

She’s not you, this isn’t then, she’ll be ok. A big part of student life is figuring out these difficult interpersonal situations.

How lucky she’s found out now that they’re a bunch of petty bullies that will be no good to live with. She has plenty of time to find somewhere and this might be her chance to find a real crew.

I was in a similar situation at uni, I bonded quickly with a friendship group who with hindsight were awful people and had a horrible 2nd year. I found my 3rd year house a couple of weeks before term started, through speaking to a course mate who knew someone with a free room. People drop out, fail exams, change their minds etc and there will be lots of houses out there grateful for a last-minute addition. Ask around her course, clubs, societies, any ND groups, be open minded about where/what, and don’t let it ruin her summer. You never know when an incredible friend is waiting to meet you.

Im surprised by the high number of posters who seem happy to disregard the notion that the flatmates might have valid reasons to ask her to leave. I totally get that life can be difficult for ND people, but I’m also quite tired of AUD and ADHD being used as an excuse for poor behaviour.
I’m not at all suggesting that the OP’s daughter is at fault here but I’m shocked how readily everyone accepts that she must be the victim of bullying.

That really is heartbreaking. When my eldest (ds, nt) was at uni, about ten of them shared a large house and it was a real mixed bag of personalties. They didn’t all like each other but they had a live and let live attitude.

Have they only just told her, nearly six months after signing the contract, if so that is unbelievay crass of them.

I can sympathise, but also, why should they have to share if they all feel uncomfortable around her? My son is at uni and 1 person in the house makes everything uncomfortable for them. He often complains about it and it's making his uni experience terrible.. so much so he was tempted to come home and pack it all in!

For my son they met at the house share, so were never friends to begin with, but this person steals his food, bangs on the walls, he shakes the doors the list goes on - all small things but all add up together.

Maybe they only felt comfortable telling her once they were all gone? I make allowances for my children who are ND and often forget how it can be for people who have never met them before!

This is awful. I would be tempted to contact the other parents if you can and share their daughters' messages.

My son has been through similar, he is at home for uni but is neurodivergent and very "quirky", he thought he had made friends on his course but was also told in a whatsapp group not to bother going to a planned night out because he was "weird and boring".

Much love to your daughter, this is so hard for her and hope her dad helps her sort something today. Agree there will be a student welfare officer or similar attached to the union who will support and give practical advice.

Don’t tell their mummy on them.

As the mother of someone at uni in a shared house the renters rights do apt if it's a private rental (rather than student halls).
So first things first, your husband needs to speak to the letting agent and explain what's happened. She can give 2 months notice which will cancel the agreement for all the students.
Then speak to student services and see what they can arrange.
It would be fair to contact these girls to explain you are giving notice as they probably don't realise their contract will be null and void.
Good luck

Thats a bit intense.

These girls probably didn't get on with Op's dd and didn't know how to tell her directly, face to face, it was cowardly but not unusual for young women to be conflict avoidant. The effect on Op's dd is hurtful but these students have the right to live with whoever they chose.

They are adults in a uni house share. Had my parents been contacted by someone else’s parent when I was at uni they would have laughed and considered them mental.

Something doesn't sound right here. If they signed for the new year in December, did she sign too? If so, that's binding, they can't just exclude her as they have changed their mind. If not, how has it been left until June to work out where they will live next year?

Either way, their behaviour is unkind and very immature.

This. She needs to message them in that case and say she’ll let the landlord know, but they should be aware that means the tenancy is over for all of them unless THEY find someone else AND the landlord agrees to sub that person in.

Im sorry it’s horrible. Agree with suggestion to find another room though - there wil be other house shares where someone has dropped out last minute.

Student Union and she needs to take a copy of her tenancy agreement so they know what she signed. It is completely shit but what is done is done.

This happened to me too, had a lovely house share in first and second year and then the two of them went into different new house shares for the final year leaving me with nowhere. I was devastated. But, I went to the accommodation officer (1990s) and I got put with a lovely group of 5 girls and had the best year. It still does give me a pang of pain over it but you just have to move past it and get somewhere else.

Her autism might mean she gets some form of benefit and the Student Union would be the best place to get information about that. At least she found out now and not in September/October.

I wouldn’t have a clue about my son’s housemates’ parents. I don’t even know who my son’s housemates are. If I got a message from a mum I’d have to say, sorry I have no idea what goes on there, they’re two hundred miles away from me and they’re all adults.

Sorry to hear about your son’s experience.

What cowards. I would be horrified if my young adult kids behaved in such a cowardly manner. They should have been upfront and told her rather than running away like this. Ok, they don’t have to live with her but to do it this way is appalling.

Contact the other parent's 🤣 they are adults!!! Hello your daughter has been really mean to my daughter, what are you going to do about it? Do you expect them to ground someone in their 20's no longer living at home, tell them they must continue living with the awful housemate because her mum said they were mean? Honestly!! How exactly would you contact them anyway unless you went trawling social media for them?

@JeromeKJerome

Is the academic year starting in the autumn the last year of her degree, OP?

Is she at a campus university?

Unfortunately its life and happens all the time with students, people are allowed to choose who they want to live with, i guess either she was too quiet or maybe she has upset them,.shes an adult, life is hard

Shelter can advise on ending the tenancy, there's some bad advice on this chat about that.
Hopefully this will end with your daughter in a much happier place.

The easiest way to sort out the contractual side of things is for the others to find an alternative housemate and arrange with the landlord for that person to sign a contract, then the landlord can release DD. If DD can't get them to do this very soon she will have to contact the landlord directly and explain what happened. They might then divide her share of the rent between the others until they sort out a new house mate.

They are not responsible for her? They can choose to live with who they want

I agree. They can't just decide she's not wanted when they signed an agreement. And said nothing up until now and more or less ganged up and forced her out. It's appalling behaviour.