DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

What everyone says about the Renters rights act is right. She just needs to hand in notice to leave in 2 months, but it needs to be before the rent payment date to avoid incurring another month. So if she does it asap she would be free of any obligation by September. It does end the contract for all of them, but a) that’s on them and b) the landlord will probably come to some arrangement with the remaining tenants. It’s not her problem anyway.

Your poor dd. She must be feeling awful.

Is there anything you can think of that might make her a unfavourable housemate?

My sister is autistic and I shared a bedroom with her, until I was twenty. She would swear that she's quiet and keeps to herself, but she was honestly so so difficult to live with.

As others have said, the housemates might be leaving themselves open to covering her rent if they are stopping her moving in. I hope so 😉
It sounds horrible - a nice Christmas and then they switch up on her. I wonder if someone’s jealous of her and they didn’t like how well she was getting on with everyone. It often only takes one highly skilled manipulator to turn the whole group.

Just to say something similar happened to both my best friend and my sister when they were at university. Neither are ASD. They both moved on - BF advertised for new housemates (who weren't students, as it happened) and my sister paired up with another girl at her university and found a new place to live. There were other similar dramas in my friendship groups but the details now escape me. It's about young adults finding out who they are and not necessarily being very tolerant. Though I get it's harder for someone with ASD.

I hope your dd finds something new very soon. It's no fun living with people who don't want you there.

That's not correct. If she signed the lease she remains liable for her share unless and until the lease has been terminated. OP you need to check with the landlord if at least one of them served notice

My immediate thought was that if she signed the contract she has the right to live there. It's understandable if she doesn't want to. What is happening about her share of the rent. And what about the returnable deposit. You need some advice as to her rights. What a mean bunch.

What have they said is the issue, what is she apologising for?

How mean of them to wait till left to tell her

hope your dh can shed more light today when he goes up

Even if she’s done something awful to really piss them off, they’re a bunch of spineless assholes and she’s best shot of them.

Who does that to someone by group chat right at the end of term after they’ve left? They should be mature and decent and tell her to her face.

Tell DD to hold her head high and realise (if she does choose to move) she’s had a lucky escape from the backstabbing twerps. But she doesn’t have to give up the tenancy.

She needs to find out what type of tenancy it is. If it’s a joint tenancy, if she gives the required two months’ notice, it ends the tenancy for them all. And the landlord will have to re-sign them. So, they could all be at risk of losing the place.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/private_renting/ending_a_periodic_tenancy/joint_tenants

As others have said, best to get advice from the student union. There’s bound to be students looking for an extra person to share with. Who’ll hopefully be much more mature and kinder than that bunch of idiots. Or even regular flat sharers in the city/town who work, via spareroom.

Nothing lasts forever in life. You make sweet memories and then things move on. But the memories needn’t be tainted. It’s all a mindset. She doesn’t need to feel rejected. It could be the best thing that ever happened to her, as it means she’ll meet someone who changes her life. A rolling stone gathers no moss 🙂

The situation is awful but I don’t think finding out exactly why is going to be any good for your daughter. ASD aside, not everyone is everyone’s type of people. You say she wants to live alone; I would focus energy on finding a solo let for next year.

@JeromeKJerome your poor daughter. What was her plan for the next years housing? Has she not signed another years contract? If not what was the plan as she would have had to be out for the summer anyway? If she obviously re-signed there’s not a lot they can is there but it would be an uncomfortable. I would go in spare room and try and get her a house share there’s usually rooms available especially now where people aren’t going to finish their course etc

Coming at this from another perspective, I can see why they did this after they all left

My DD had a flatmate with ND who literally made their lives hell
She stole ALL their food, possessions, was controlling, kept them all awake at night and when they went to the Uni it was brushed under the carpet
DD would ring me in tears to say all her food was gone again and she had no money left.

There are 2 sides to every story
How do I know this?
Both DD and DH are ND and can be challenging to live with so I can see both sides

@JeromeKJerome
I think you need to sit your DD down and chat about what has happened
My DD in particular found living in a small flat/ house share easier

This sounds so hard, and you sound like a lovely mum for being so worried on her behalf.

Gently, if they all feel like they don’t want to live with her anymore, then it is possible that she has been quite hard to live with.

Given that in December they were happily including her and re-signing the contract with her, it’s possibly not the fact that she’s autistic that’s the problem. But rather her autism has meant she hasn’t understood the impact of something on others.

Once the dust has settled, I would try and have some gentle conversation with her to check whether she has done anything which might have prompted this to happen. Things like not cleaning, taking over communal areas, complaining about the others, not wanting to share the bill for something, reporting something to the landlord etc.

This won’t be easy but it’s necessary to avoid a repeat if she might not have understood on her own.

Agree

Awww OP it is so hard when our precious DC are treated badly. My DD was left with no one to live with going into her 3rd year at Uni. She found a room on spareroom.com and shared with two other students who were total strangers - one a post grad and another lad from her year who she didn't know. She ended up having the best year in that house and got on well with her housemates.

Hi op, i would advise your DH to try and get the full story tomorrow and maybe both sides of the story, even if it means messaging the whatsapp group to ask for honest answers about what has happened, for the purpose of improving things in the future for DD.

From the opposite perspective, in my first year in halls, there was a lad in the flat upstairs who had ASD and tbh was very difficult to live with. He would get quite angry and had a tendancy to repeatedly bang himself into his wardrobe. It scared his flatmates and we also ended up getting involved because we could hear it and also his flatmates came to ask to spend time with us. We went to speak to the site wardens to ask what to do and mostly how to deal with him to make sure he didn’t hurt himself, but they said because of confidentiality, they couldn’t tell us anything, which obv wasn’t helpful.

Obv i’m not saying that your DD does anything like that, but i think it would be useful to find out what has been going on so you can have proactive conversations for future situations. Eg ‘sorry, i sometimes do this, but this is how to talk to me about it if it bothers you’ type thing. I’m just talking about this from the opposite perspective of not everyone understanding how best to interact and deal with neurodiverse people, depending on what is going on.

This is incorrect since 1 May. As others have said, if the DD gives notice now (2 months) it will end the contract for everyone. The housemates possibly aren't aware of that.

I don't think this attitude will do your DD any favours. It seems by all accounts that people were happy to move in with her at the start of the year and things were going reasonably well in December. I would wager that something has changed and the problem will be related to something your DD is doing which may or may not be related to her ASD.

She obviously likes living with other people and is really hurt by what has happened so it's important to understand why exactly her housemates have decided they don't want to live with her so at least your DD can understand what has gone wrong and potentially learn from this. These lessons might also be useful in the workplace and dealing with other people generally. She is clearly enjoys being around others and wants that experience so retreating without learning is a wasted opportunity.

I would also add that the housemates have been cowards and behaved immaturely but I would be interested to also know whether they approached the problem like this because of how your DD has reacted to previous discussion and maybe complaints before. It doesn't make the behaviour okay but it's another piece of the puzzle as to how things have ended up how they have.

There you go! Could be the best thing ever.

I was going to suggest post grad students or fellas.

I’m not sure the Renters Rights Act applies to a contract signed before 1st May - so I don’t think the advice that she can give notice and sever the tenancy for all of them is correct.

What part is incorrect? If you sign a contract, and you don’t give notice or exit the contract, you remain liable for that contract. Thats how contracts work.

I believe it does and the landlord/agent should have sent them a summary of their new rights just before the act came in.

I don't understand what has happened here. If she's excluded are they covering her rent or have they filled her room. If the contract was signed in December surely your DD knew that she was in or out then? Did she sign with them because in that case they can't kick her out. It's a contract.

I'm surprised by this story because surely no one would leave someone homeless. Telling her in December would have given her chance to find another home.

I do think your dd needs to sort this situation herself. You can advise her to look with the university housing service and potentially she can make a complaint to the university for discrimination. I think it's slim chance these housemates could be disciplined. I'd get her to keep screen prints of the WhatsApp conversations.

Lots of spaces in shared houses come up last minute. Again you need to advise her rather than sort it out. As a young adult I found interviews for house shares hard as you are looking for something you like and they might not like you. Plus, you can't be too picky because you've got to get somewhere to live in a quick time frame. I don't think she should live alone, unless you're loaded. Most people have to share as its expensive.

It does apply. On 1st may the new rules basically took over every single rental tenancy no matter how long you’ve lived there.

I think you should go with your husband to make sure she is supported and sorted out for next year. What has happened is terrible and your daughter needs your support. Tell your Headteacher that your daughter is very unwell and go with your husband.