DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

If everyone has signed their contract there's absolutely nothing they can do about it....it obviously doesn't help with the emotional toll. Are they offering to find someone to take on her contract?

Sadly being housemates doesn't always mean being friends.

and December was over 5 months ago, a lot can change / happen in that time.

Hopefully your dd will find somewhere else as I expect she doesn't actually want to stay there knowing she is not actually wanted.

Shame they all waited until they were back home, couldn't tell her in person to her face. She is better off without them.

As mentioned by others talk to the Uni accommodation office and support services. If it's any consolation my daughter also had flakey friends who let her down. She then approached one of the more reserved girls in her Year and had a much happier last year in her shared house.

It's expensive but I would suggest getting her a purpose built studio such as those typically used by Overseas students. She can then control how much she interacts with other people. Best wishes.

@AgeingDoc Excellent advice.

Renters rights bill changes everything if a private landlord. She can give 2 months notice and the whole house tenancy is severed. Those kids don’t know what they have signed up to but TBH she is better off without them. There’s a lot of movement in uni housing from now until October, she may well find her real people who will value her.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. Your poor girl. And poor you. They sound awful, but that doesn't really help you right now. I've seen situations like this where things do turn out for the better, but my God it's hard at the time. My son was bullied in his student house and in the end decided to be a lodger, which worked much better, He was with slightly older people not connected to his course, and it gave him some distance. But I've spent sleepless nights plotting revenge, I'm afraid [though never acted on it . . . ]

This is so hard to navigate. I struggled with it during university. I know my dd will struggle with it when she goes soon. we both have ASD. House shares just don’t really work unless you find a magical match.

technically if she signed the contract, she has housing for next year. They can’t kick her out. She won’t want to live in that environment though.

Thank you for sharing your story.
i also struggled with bullying and rejection and to be honest seeing history repeat itself is making me blame myself.

That was so underhand and deceitful of them to drop the bombshell on her like that. If there were problems, then I don’t get why they didn’t flag these before, to at least give her a chance to address things. I thought young people these days were more clued up and accepting of others etc.

I really hope that tomorrow will bring a bit more clarity to the situation. I remember a good friend of mine had a similar situation at the end of year 2. She managed to get back into halls for year 3, joined some clubs and had a wonderful time in her final year (and found a new tribe).

Please don't blame yourself. I had a horrendous time at university 30 years ago when we didn't even have the language to talk about autism. Sadly university students are barely more mature than schoolchildren (in fact honestly I think many seem to regress when out on their own for the first time).

Glad to hear your husband is going to see her tomorrow to unpick exactly what can be done. I spent my final year in a tiny single bedsit which was pretty miserable but a huge improvement on the previous year where my loneliness was rubbed in my face. So there are options.

This is the loveliest post, @JeromeKJerome
I’m sure you’re saying positive things like this to your girl, and the thought occurred to me that you could share all these uplifting posts with her.
Then the thought occurred to me that she might be angry with you for sharing.
So I don’t know - you know best.
Bur please add me to the chorus of your daughter’s supporters.
With parents like she’s got, I foretell a happy ending in your daughter’s housing dilemma.
I’m sending you both love from faraway. ❤️

Look into the new renters rights act, as I’m sure in a joint tenancy, if one of the tenants gives notice, that ends the tenancy for everyone, whether the want it too or not! So at least she isn’t stuck being liable for the rent somewhere she isn’t welcome to live. I believe the notice period is 2 months, so you could give it now and be off the hook by the time September starts, if she goes into uni digs then thats perfect timing for new rent becoming due.

sorry this doesn’t help with the upset caused to your DD though.

Of course. Fantastic. Your dd can do this and get herself somewhere alone. Student services will perhaps be able to help.

Ahhh OP - but that’s what the bullies count on.
If you’re looking inward at yourself, you aren’t looking outward at them - the bullies.

And it works far too often.

I hate bullies. I despise bullies. I wish bullies nothing but the very worst.
It’s a low down dirty shame I wasn’t born bigger and tougher - because I’d go around kicking bully arse.

The only good bully is a bully whose ass is in a sling and strapping tape over their bully mouth.
I hate bullies.

This is so hard to read @JeromeKJerome but please don't blame yourself. I do know what you mean though. I constantly berate myself for not being better at this or that and so be more equipped to help my child.

My thoughts are: for all the talk we hear now about Better Mental Health and more understanding of each other, for all the celebrities who are prepared to stick their neck out and be honest about their struggles and or neurodiversity, we still get people pulling absolutely despicable stunts like this. This is a very hard pill to swallow.

It is so cruel. I truly hope she realises that it is not her, and they are really nasty people lacking in any compassion. Nothing she could have done, in terms of being annoying in their eyes, could justify this.

Does your DD go to a uni where there are private halls ? My DS is at uni with plenty of accommodation so his GF who has ASD and had no one to house share with stayed in uni halls for her 2nd year as did another of their ASD friends. For their 3rd year they’re staying in private halls but in separate flats as there are quite a few private halls near the uni. If that’s an option she should definitely consider it.

My DS was in a house share so they stayed over at each others accommodation but she always had her own space to go and decompress as it were. I’m so sorry she didn’t find people who looked out for her. Hopefully she’ll find more understanding people next time. There are always people looking for someone to take over a room in a house share or private halls who have dropped out or changed their minds. I hope her next year falls into place and she joins some nice societies that suit her.

Agree
Exeter has these types
Many big uni towns do and the types vary
My DS has his own en-suite and kitchenette which suits him perfectly

I think a lot of students think it’s the be all and end all of being at Uni but house sharing really isn’t for everyone.

I suggest that you persuade your daughter to live in Halls.
She can keep to herself and incidentally run into other people like herself.
Living alone is not an option for a young person hoping to make friends.

She should also join a couple of uni. clubs that excite her passion in things that she is really interestedi in. That way she will have outings with people who focus on things she enjoys and not just on her personality.
Also community charity groups/church groups often are embracing and event or task motivated offering gentle social interaction for young adults.

There is a disabled student's allowance (DSA). It can be used to help disabled stidents (including ASD) with the costs incurred to keep them in university. If this is happening because of ASD, it might be possible to get help with extra costs of finding new accommodation, perhaps. (I am not an expert in this at all, just starting to navigate this for my own DC).

That was cowardly of her flatmates, and obviously will leave your DD feeling awful. It’s easy to see this in hindsight 20+ years on, but it’s hard to tell a flatmate something like that significantly before the end of a lease when it’s your first flatmate and you’re probably not used to making adult decisions. We did something similar but didn’t replace her, we just paid extra to not have a flatmate the next year. She was an absolute train wreck of a human, brought different men home every single night, made so much mess she brought insects to the kitchen etc. to the best of my knowledge she wasn’t ASD, but she was bloody hard to live with and we didn’t want to do another year. It depends on why they didn’t want to do it again. Was it just a cooler friend needed a place (which is shitty) it is it maybe something more and your DD needs some help adjusting to life with flatmates. You’ll hopefully know the answer there and if she needs more support help find it. Not easy either way though.

can she look on a flat share website and find someone else that has a room in a house share?

If she’s signed the contract, legally she’s going to be responsible for the rent. You can’t just accept they’ve changed their mind, you need to get her off the contract and that should be at the rest of the housemates expense if that incurs charges.

So sorry to read this op.

I'm autistic too and struggled to live with people when I moved out at 16. It just didn't work.
Is there any possibility of her renting a studio or a bedsit? I found it, and find it a lot easier to keep friends when not living together although it's still a huge struggle.
Hope she's okay. I'm a similar age and it's awful feeling pushed out. Thoughts are with her.