DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

That is really tough and hurtful for your DD.

But I have always thought that we expect a huge amount of students to navigate the difficult task of sharing living space with almost complete strangers at a very young age. There are adults of all ages who struggle to adjust to living with a new person, whether spouse or partner, as a million MN threads testify!

But there will be another side to the story and the other girls also have the right to feel happy and comfortable in their living accommodation, even though the way they went about it was unkind and gave your DD no opportunity to put her point of view. They are all just young people finding their way.

I hope she can get back into halls perhaps?

I know she might not want to live with them either but they can't just 'decide' if she has signed a contract. I'd speak to whoever holds the contract, tell them what these awful people are doing and see what they say.

Also, I'd reach out to University student support services. As she is vulnerable, they may be able to place her in Halls for the next year (with other mature or international students) that happened a few times when I went to uni, they tended to be quiet flats with respectful mature students who, for whatever reason, couldn't find accommodation.

Please reach out to the uni and get them to help support her. Perhaps they also might have a mental health support service she can access too.

Rather than 'getting her out' of the contract I'd assess all options first as they can't just be awful to her and get away with it, especially if legal documents have been signed.

My heart hurts for your daughter, I am so sorry this happened to her. People can be so cruel.

Once DH has spoken to her, she needs to text the group and saying that she will need to give 2 months notice to the landlord as she otherwise will be liable for her rent, and that this will terminate the whole rental contract for the group.

Then she needs to get herself onto any house share Facebook groups or whatever (and you do the same for any parent groups) . Plus go talk to the accommodation people about halls as a back up and find out any deadlines to commit (I assume this would be results day at the latest)

It all absolutely sucks but you and DH need to help her get through the immediate practicalities.

I think its difficult to know the situation here. They could be massive bigots who hate her for her disability or she could have done something thats upset some or all of them and being dismissive by blaming her autism when it isnt.

If she genuinely doesnt know, all she can do is ask why and take it from there.

As her parent Id try and find out why to help her. If it is just her autism she doesnt want to live with a load of bigots but if shes done or doing something and dismissing it as "thats just me, my autism made me" she might find this happens again if she isnt able to take accountability. I say this becsuae if all them agree there is a chance shes has done something and hid it from you and its harder to help her fix this or find new friends if you dont know.

Let her know living with others is hard and requires being adaptable and youre here to help her sort this.
Best of luck

My daughter - also ASD - was in what appeared to be a happy house share at Uni. Then 2 of the others decided to ‘teach’ her how to live with others and effectively bullied her out of the house causing a huge relapse in her mental health difficulties. Basically she was just ‘too much’ for them and it was heart breaking. I think things like not reading signals for when they wanted to be quiet or alone, not always clearing up straightaway, being a bit messy, being a bit ‘needy’ - little things. It ruined her uni experience and she needed a lot of support to recover. Now she is determined never to live with anyone again and is looking at a studio flat for her Masters. Friendships are so difficult to navigate for many ASD young women.
I wouldn’t bother trying to find out what your daughter did wrong but focus on helping her find something else. She may be worried about bumping into them next year around the Uni and may need help in practising how to deal with this.
The suggestion of going to student welfare and /or housing is a good one.

She needs to give notice now so she’s free of the contract by august and can leave. What about the quiet halls? They have them designed for ND/disabled students or students who prefer to live quitely or look at renting a room? So sorry this has happened.

I am so sorry for your daughter - there is telling someone they don't want to live with them anymore and there is telling someone they don't want to live with them anymore due to their autistic traits, which is basically a deeply personal character assassination.

I agree with this poster, please do not ask your daughter about what happened or what she thinks went wrong. She is likely already down on herself and will be going over and over reasons in her head ... but she will never know exactly why. One, she could have been told one thing but the reality is maybe they have a new flatmate they want to bring in and have not told her the truth. Two, due to her autism she might have missed social cues and might not even know or understand the issue.

I would focus on how morally apprehensible they have been with how they have waited until she was alone to whatsapp her and they are not nice people and she dogged a bullet. They are 2nd year uni students not children - they would have known the impact on her and they would have known they have a legal responsibility to their leases ... and at least some of them would have likely done this with their parents full knowledge as their parents are likely guarantors. Shameful. They are adults and should have behaved like adults discussing this with her in person at some point and given her a chance to find a new flat before the end of term.

Please reach out to the guild tney will know how to support her.

I'd speak to whoever holds the contract, tell them what these awful people are doing and see what they say.

The landlord or agent will absolutely not want to get involved. Either DD terminates the contract or she is liable for the rent.

She is going into third year and will have important exams - whatever the answer is, I don’t think it’s her sharing a house wilth other young women who have acted like this. It will make her life hell, even if legally she could force this. If she tried to enforce the contract, the other girls would probably give 2 months notice and then look to separately re-sign with the landlord without DD/with any new housemate they have found.

Little fuckers 😡. You’d think by their age they’d have more compassion and kindness. Your poor DD.

I know it’s hard as it’s your child, but you don’t know all that’s gone on. Her housemates could be at the end of their tether and thought a text would be best.
I would try and find out what’s happened but in a calm not accusing way, as feedback can then help your DD in the future. Don’t go straight to assuming they’re being bullies or bitches.

I know she doesn’t want to go back to halls, but when I was in second year I was in a 2 bed flat in our halls. I worked as a student assistant for the halls so my income paid my accommodation and the woman I lived with was a slightly older student with nowhere else to stay. She was lovely. Is there a set up like this near your daughter (possibly not. This was over 20 years ago and I think halls are different now!).

I struggled finding places to live at uni and it was horrible. I feel so much for her. But what PP have said about putting her first and handing in notice etc sounds right. Don’t let her worry about what the others think, she should sort herself and sod them, the cowards.

We had a house mate in the second year who would have violent rages at us. It was terrifying as he was a big guy raging at women for no reason and hitting walls. It was awful. I’m sympathetic to the op
but we don’t know the other side.

I struggled to find people to live with as well. But they sound awful.
Looking back I found university isolating and lonely. Hopefully her course is going well.

Hugs and hope she gets something sorted with nice people

I lived with the same group of people in my second and third years and they made my life absolute hell. It was 30 years ago and even now I have dreams occasionally about going to the student accommodation office and finding somewhere else to live. I truly wish I had. Most people say university was the time of their lives. For me it was the worst time of my life.

Regardless of the reasons why the housemates have turned on your DD, it sounds like she needs to find somewhere else to live for her own happiness and self worth. I hope you can get it sorted.

I don’t get this. You have no idea what has actually happened. As others have pointed out the housemates might be at the end of their tether with her. Maybe some of them have ND themselves and have conflicting needs or just don’t know how to deal with things. Unfortunately the fact is not everyone can just be constantly accepting of others no matter what.
I’m autistic but didn’t find out until I was an adult. I look back at my behaviour at times when I was young and I’m appalled. I genuinely didn’t understand it was bad at the time. But that didn’t make it any less bad for others. I’m quite surprised I have any friends left to be honest from my youth. I did have lots of failings out with them and also did lose lots of friends. I’ve often thought about asking the friends that have stayed with me what they actually thought of me back then but I’m far too embarrassed!

If your daughter signed a contract back in December, along with the other house sharers, I don't see that they will have much of a choice. If contracts are signed, they don't all get to decide, that one person can be removed from the house. Your daughter's contract is with the landlord, not the people she's sharing with.

If the other people in the house share don't want your daughter living there, then they all will need to cover your daughter's portion of the rent. To leave, your daughter will have to approach the landlord, to see if they will release her from the contract. It's possible the landlord will agree, if a penalty is paid (it's a possibility, as it's breaking a contract) and if the others agree to covering your daughter's portion of the rent.

Your husband needs to look at the contract signed and speak to the landlord. Unfortunately, your daughter may not have much choice about going into Halls, because it's late in the day to find somewhere else suitable for the new term year. I suggest speaking to someone at the University who deals with students with additional needs.

I feel for you OP and your daughter. I agree with someone else, it's likely not 'one thing' or 'one incident', it's probably a lot of ND traits together. I work in a school, so see ND children, and the struggles they have socially, and it's hard for them.

That's awful. This situation is something I dread. I'm ASD and got pretty lucky at uni friends-wise. I worry about my dd who is currently 12. She's having a rough time at her school. Trying to get her moved, but it's not as easy as I originally thought. I feel anger towards the bullies and heartbroken for her.

I'm sorry your daughter is experiencing this. Someone's advice up thread was to go to the students' union advice centre. I would 100% recommend this. They have a vast knowledge of local student housing, law, grants this type of thing (I work at a uni).

I think if she is still trying to persuade them I would try and stop her begging. I also have a child with asd. I know it’s a shock but she will be better off without them. What they have done is not kind or understanding. I know my child with asd is not always easy to live with. Is she happy with the course? I know someone that transferred uni for the last year to be nearer to home. Or start looking for somewhere else. If she wants to live on her own that may be easier than second guessing others behaviour. I would be mindful of her mental heath in that situation also.

We don't know the real situation or the reason that lead to this.

There is a lot of pressure securing housing for the following year from September- December. I don't think it's probably thought through or that they know each other very well. Things can turn sour over the cause of a year.

I feel sorry for your poor daughter as she must feel very hurt, but this may turn out to be for the best.

I have some lovely friends - both neurotypical and neurodivergent - that I wouldn't share a flat with in a million years. I learned this through experience of flat sharing. Not everybody is compatible to live together!

When I was younger, I thought I should be sharing a flat with friends, but this inevitably ended badly as it turned out we didn't share the same habits. I love seeing my friends outside of the home, but need peace and quiet - and tidiness - when I'm in my own space. Others need different things. I found like-minded flatmates and it was a real game changer.

I learned that it's far better to share with people that you get on with, but who aren't necessarily part of your friendship "gang" - and most importantly, that you share certain living habits with - noise tolerance, neatness, parties, etc etc. it's normal to clash with housemates but if they are also your friends... then it may well end up impacting the friendship. Better to separate these relationships, IME.

Well obviously she gives notice, the point is she isn't liable for the whole year, which she would have been before the renters eithrs act. And the people saying it doesn't apply if the contract was signed before 1 May are incorrect, it applies to all contracts whenever they were signed. No fixed terms any more.

Don't make her share with people who don't want to share with her just because of money for everyones sake. Some of the comments come across like they think she should just stick two fingers up at the others and stay put. That would be hell for her. This isn't about money or who is right or wrong. It's about getting her somewhere to live where she'll be happy.

She (not you) needs to speak to the housing officer at university see if she can get into halls for next year. As someone with autism she should have already registered with the Disability office who can also help her.

It's not the end of the world. Many 3rd years go back into halls for many reasons.

Money is replaceable. Her happiness isn't.

She’s already signed the contract. That’s horrible as they’re bullying her via WhatsApp. She needs to say, I have already signed the contract and cannot afford to pay for 2 rooms. Have you found anyone to replace me? They will have to notify the landlord in order to swap me out. Otherwise I will have no choice but to live in the same house. She needs to stop apologising as they’re just mocking her now.

Having lived as the ASD housemate in a neurotypical house I really sympathise. She probably hasn't "done" anything unreasonable apart from just having different priorities than the housemates.

In terms of getting out of the contract - your DC needs to put the ball in their court - tell the housemates that they can do the work to find a new housemate to take over and pay any estate agent fees to get the new person officially onto all paperwork and your DC officially released and off the paperwork. Your DC should be specific that unless and until legally released from the contract, the contract stands. Living there will be the only option until that is achieved so it's up to the housemates to do the work.

Your DC is right that living solo is the best option for next year. Most universities now have some studio flat accommodation as well as the more traditional student halls. These are often reserved for graduate students and mature students but disabled students may also be part of the allocation criteria and your DC may be able to make a good case for needing this. If there are no uni-accommodation studio flats then it's possible that there may be some kind of access grant that could pay the difference between room-in-an-HMO rent and studio flat rent in the private sector, if she can show that a studio flat is a legitimate need that is a consequence of her ASD. Does she already get Disabled Students Allowance? The additional cost of suitable housing would be a perfectly reasonable use of DSA money.

Afyer some really difficult and unpleasant house share situations I finally ended up.in a studio flat for the 2nd half of my final year and it was bliss. The flat was tiny - bedsittingroom with a sofa bed that took up 90% of the room when in bed mode, with 2 little 1.2m × 1.2m cubicles off to the side, one fitted out as a kitchenette and one with the worlds tiniest shower cubicle & loo - but I could breathe and relax, it was so good for my mental health to be able to live alone.

I’m so sorry this has happened to your DD! What is wrong with people to make them behave in such an abhorrent way?
I don’t know what the legal implications are but I hope you and DH can get this sorted out…….students are under enough pressure without all this crap.