DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

I thought this was the "be kind" generation. They talk the talk, but they don't walk the walk. If they can't be honest about why they want your DD gone, then DD should not be forced out of a contractual arrangement she has signed and needs to hold her ground. Your DD needs to learn how to stick up for herself, because shit like this will happen to her a lot and she can't always run to her parents now she's an adult.

Tell the housemates they will need to buy your DD out of her contractual liabilities in the form of a (legally drawn up, at their expense) indemnity should the landlord come after her for her part of the rent (whether they get a new housemate in or not). Unless the landlord actually releases your DD contractually and explicitly in writing, I would not be leaving it to these other girls to do the right thing by her legally.

Feck her flatmates are hideous people. I'd be ashamed of I was their parents.

I hope your husband helps today, anyone would struggle with this.

DD dropping out might end the tenancy for all of them but it's likely the landlord will just renew the tenancy with the same group especially if they have another tenant lined up, it's less hassle to go with the existing group.

DD should not do anything hasty about the existing tenancy. She should talk to the university first and get other options lined up. And I agree with pp who said to keep away from the WhatsApp group. From now on nothing on WhatsApp except (when necessary) factual questions or information about the tenancy.

She should contact the university's own student support - student welfare, wellbeing, disability support, whatever it's called at her university. They will be used to dealing with these situations and supporting students with ASCs. The students' union usually also offer advice; she can go to both but I would probably go to the university's own support services first. They should be able to help with two things: first, with accommodation. DD might prefer to live alone but she shouldn't rule anything out. Second, they may be able to support her socially. They'll know what exists and how to access it. At my own university the chaplaincy offers assorted social groups and events that vulnerable students appreciate, especially outside of termtime when not many students are on campus, and it's not religious.

It's great that her Dad has gone up to support her. Dad can advise and encourage and the more that DD can do for herself to contact the university etc. the better. It's not easy having an ASC and figuring out how to navigate the university support services for herself will stand her in good stead.

to you all and especially DD.

This needs sorting practically. The OP’s daughter needs to speak to the letting agent and maybe the housing office at the student union. Of course she might want parent support for this.

We have no idea what happened, she may have shagged a housemates boyfriend for all we know.

If she wants a shared house there will probably be spaces come up over the summer of students who drop out/ change their mind but it’s of course a risk as you don’t know who you’ll be with.

How do you know they’re hideous when none of us have no idea what led to this.

If she's signed a contract, they can't legally kick her out. I assume you are guarantors for your DD's rental? And that so are the other parents?

Contact the other parents and lay out what's happened. You don't need to say anything about how badly their DC have behaved - if you lay out the facts, it's to be hoped that the parents will realise how badly their DC are behaving (unless of course, their DCs' behaviours come from the parents).

In this way, you might be able at least to make (guilt?) the parents pay back any money you've already paid out for the 26/27 lease. Then your DD could go into halls, as suggested upthread. There are quire a few private halls in my university town which seem to offer quite sociable areas, and often let to overseas students beyond their first year. So she wouldn't be the only Final year student. When I walk past these halls, there always seem to be groups of students doing things together in the ground floor communal areas.

We have no idea what op's DD has done but given op says her DD has been apologising I don't think we can make assumptions
Maybe they are bullies. But maybe they are people at the end of their tether who have tried time and again to tackle intolerable behaviour

There is an awful lot of projection going on here, hence the anger against 'bullies'.

The house share didn't work out, for whatever reason. Very hurtful for OP's dd but we haven't heard t either side of the story. Maybe OP's dd make a huge drama when she is confronted and these students didn't feel they could deal with that. Maybe something else.

We can't force others to put up with behaviour they struggle with, that would be coercive.

The best OP can do is get her dd out of the contract so she isn't liable for rent and find her accommodation in a small share, halls or by herself. And help her with social skills, self care, self acceptance and so on. The worst they can do is demonise those girls, it's better to explain they will have their reasons and OP's family need to work out the best possible living situation for the dd. She deserves a great time at uni but she cannot force others to like her or live with her.

It is absolutely disgusting behaviour. They are old enough to understand that running away and then text dumping her is brutal that’s a fact. Do they have to live with her absolutely not but doing it the way they have is absolutely disgusting. Maybe OPs child is the problem maybe she did make their lives hell but two wrongs do not make a right. They should have been upfront especially as it’s a group of them against ops child. So yes absolutely disgusting behaviour.

I think if I was being dumped by my housemates I would far prefer it was done by message than face to face.

They might have valid reasons for not wanting to share with your DD next year but the way they've gone about it is awful. This should have been a conversation when the decision was made, not a text message after they've gone home.

Fair enough but they could have text and been kinder about it. If this happened In a workplace there would be uproar. It’s simply not working text would suffice but they new what they had done secretly signing the contract months ago and then disappearing and just text dumping her.

Not being able to tolerate someone's behaviour any more does not make people bullies.

Looking back my friends and I put up with essentially abusive behaviour from a (probably ASD) friend for far far longer than we should have done.

We don't know how op's daughter has been behaving so we can't make assumptions about these girls.

As for contacting the parents - they may well already know and have their own thoughts about op's DD!

That's so awful. They are being horrible bullies and I feel very sorry for your DD.

I will say that we had a girl who was autistic in our house share in second year too. She seemed so lovely (I was the one who invited her to join our house search in first year) but she was a nightmare to live with. Extremely needy, quite messy, by the end of the second term we were all studying in the library as much as possible to avoid her. She actually made my second year a bit hell-ish.

We all went in halls in third year so there was never a question of sharing again.

I would consider the fact that your DD just isn't suited to sharing, it's something that's very difficult to do even for neurological students. You need to convince her she needs to go in halls, it will be best for her.

How far away is she, when you visit do you see the dynamic between them all? It is awful for your dd but If she maybe has other behavioural issues <you said previous self harming> that you're unaware of then obviously they weren't comfortable sharing accommodation with her.

It's upsetting yes but she needs to contact the uni, explain the situation and find suitable accommodation.

I'm a landlord, this is correct in parts, but very much depends on how the house is set up - if it is configured as an HMO, which many student lets are then each individual has their own contract with the landlord, and her giving notice won't effect the others.

If they are jointly leasing the place as a whole, then yes, her giving notice will void the whole contract.

Equally, they can't tell her she cannot reside there, unless one of them voids the contract by giving notice and they agree a new lease, but of course unless they find a new housemate it will cost them more.

They sound like utters **s and she is better off out of it, but she needs to make sure she gives notice so as to avoid rent liability.

It won’t be the ASD, it will be her behaviour.

DD and basically all of her hobby mates have ASD or are ND in some way.

They are intensely accommodating and accepting but they still have had to pull back from 2 in the group completely because of their behaviour not their ASD. Of course the two people on the other side consider it incredibly unfair but that is because they are completely oblivious and although they have been told many times frankly they don’t care in the moment about the impact of their behaviour.

You really do need to get to the bottom of what the behaviour she is doing is or this will just keep happening.

People will never put up with behaviour that drives them endlessly crazy, they just won’t.

Who is the contract with? They will need to be involved as your DD is already a signatory. Is it uni accommodation or a private landlord?

I empathise with your daughter OP, been there myself. In my first year at uni, a close friend arranged a meet for us with some potential new housemates. At the time, I was recovering from what I'd describe as a breakdown and I also have autism, I appreciate I probably came across as anxious and withdrawn and maybe they wanted party types. They initially were very friendly but later on there was a very uncomfortable meet with one of the housemates who made it clear I wasn't welcome and my 'friend' left me to make my own arrangements and moved in with them. It did knock my confidence and I remember it vividly. There's nothing wrong with saying you're not the right fit for each other, but they could have handled it better and same for your daughter's housemates.

I had no support in place, I think I would have more support if it happened now and with that in mind I'd encourage your daughter to reach out for some help from the uni wellbeing team who can provide counselling so that this doesn't dent her self esteem. The uni also has housing advice available.

It could also be good to consider whether a house share is best for her. If that's what she wants, no problem, but for me looking back I wish I'd considered trying to find a smaller household with maybe just 1 other housemate or seeing if I could rent on my own, perhaps an annexe/small place via Spare Room. I know landlords aren't always receptive to single students but perhaps she could have a guarantor. I know big house shares didn't work for my wellbeing at all and maybe it would be good for her to consider other options. I hope it works out for you all xx

As sad as this is for your DD, I think she has to accept that she will not be part of this house share from September.
Either the other housemates are genuinely upset by DD’s actions, or they are unreasonable bullies.
Whichever it is it is not desirable for them all to live together next term.
Several people have already mentioned that DD could give notice to terminate the tenancy. This is correct. Apart from an additional clause the landlord can use at the end of the tenancy for ‘purpose built’ student accommodation, all of the other parts of the Renter’s Rights Act apply.
Just as DD can give notice to terminate, so can any of the others. They may already have done so.
There is no leverage that DD can apply.
The way this was conveyed was unpleasant, and it’s obvious very upsetting for DD, but the only thing to do now is make sure she is formally released from her obligations by the tenancy being terminated, and move on.

I agree, there will be the other side of the story which may very well show that the OP's DD behaved in a way that cannot be tolerated by the others. Or it could be a case of her face not fitting in their group. Or that they have someone they like better and would rather live with, and this is their lame way of making the OP's DD the sacrificial lamb. All very typical behaviour of immature schoolgirls. They need to grow up and tell her exactly why they want to part ways. My general point is that this is the generation that loves to preach to others about tolerance for all manner of anti social behaviour when it doesn't affect them personally.

They need to grow up and tell her exactly why they want to part ways.

Do they?

If they, let’s say, found her intolerably needy when they were all trying to revise for second year exams and are worried how that might impact their finals, is it the “grown up” thing to do to bluntly tell her that?

Things were clearly fine at Xmas when they signed the new house/re-signed the current house and had a nice dinner. Things are clearly not fine now.

We don’t know what changed and it may have been quite recent (eg exam stress or a falling out over late night noise or whatever) rather than these young women conspiring for months.

I think you need to get to the bottom of it all and find out what has happened.

As someone with ND family members (all on ASD spectrum) I know at times they can be challenging to live with. Simple things like consistent very late bedtimes/ very early rising with no consideration for noise (DH often comes to bed at 3am and it's like a heard of elephants rampage through the house whilst having a mini disco (phone blaring music or a podcast out, lights on and off, doors slamming) and wakes everyone up no matter how "quiet" he tries to be), misreading social cues, general untidiness and disorganised chaos that they can't see as it's part of their thinking process, not understanding the social etiquette of "shared resources" and not always thinking to replace them (DH is notorious for drinking whole pints of milk at a time) when we only have 2 pints in and it's Sunday night and the children need night time milk, and breakfast Monday morning before I get to the shops. Just a few quirks off the top of my head, Annoying when you love someone but would be very grating in a housemate over time.

I would see if student services/ university disability team can help. It may be that she will have to suck up living in halls. As someone with ASD they should be able to accommodate her in halls as reasonable adjustment. I know a few people who lived in halls their whole uni lives due to ASD reasonable adjustments.

So many people, purporting to be grown ups,on here advocating for bullying of a group of young adults who for whatever reason only known to them and the OP's daughter (who isn't saying what it is) don't want to live with her anymore.

The OP's daughter at a guess has done something, because for them all to say that they don't want to live with her anymore is actually quite significant. One or two you could put down to an argument but all of them not so much.

The comments are disgusting, calling them bullies and bitches. Wishing them to lose their home. But nothing surprises with MN anymore.