DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

How hurtful for you both.

Did she sign the contract too?

So sorry to hear this, don’t have any answers but it must be so very hard. Can you go to them and help them work out alternatives

That’s very difficult for her and you.

Poor girl, that is devastating. If it would help her to know why they don't want her back, she could message the person she gets on best with saying that she would like to understand and please explain.

Oh op. I've no experience in this situation but my dd14 has ASD and my heart breaks constantly for her. The emotional weight of it all can get too much at times. But how lucky your dd is to have you, a mum who obviously cares about her so so much. It will all be ok somehow and she will get through this ❤️

God that sounds awful! I’d feel heartbroken if I got a phone call like that from my DC. I was going to ask if she also signed the contract with the others back in December? I’m assuming it’s a contract for the third year?

Is there a way that she could get a place in halls? Maybe speak to student support for some advice?

Thank you for your kind words. Yes all of them signed contract for next academic year back in December so aside from worrying about her mental health I’ll so worried about what this means financially.

She’s very bright but always struggled so much socially. I was so worried about her going to Uni and so happy she had people who wanted to live with her. Also so angry at how cowardly they have been.

Have the others found someone else to take her room?

This sounds so tough. Sending a hug. Might it help to unpick what's happened if you go to see her? It's term time now so everyone will be around and you may be able to provide moral support for her to see if there's any help she could get from College authorities to get her housing sorted for next year. Good luck.

It won’t be any specific thing she’s done. You know yourself the traits that don’t “fit” with neurotypicals.

Best thing she can do is move back into halls. Might need to talk to the disability officer to wangle that.

Sympathies to both of you - I know it’s shit.

I don’t know. Good question. Will need to find that out.

I mentioned halls today as an option but she said she doesn’t want that. She wants to live on her own. Which I also found upsetting. We need to get out of this bloody contract for the house first. Struggling to afford rent as it is as currently have 2 children at Uni.

If she signed the contract, can they really just kick her out? Though, I’d probably not want to live with them at this point.

That’s what my husband said but I would imagine they would make her life hell. She’s self harmed in the past and I don’t want to go back to that place again. My husband is going up tomorrow to see her and see if he can sort something out . I’m a teacher so can’t get time off unfortunately. Not that I am going to be much use tomorrow.

Oh that’s just horrible and honestly just cruel. Can you go and help her navigate student support and see if you can find a suitable alternative? Have they found someone to take her place?
You have my utmost sympathy. The ASD social challenges can be so overwhelming at times. I know what a relief it is when things are going well for them and how awful it is when it crashes down.

She doesn't need to get out of the contract. It will probably have blown over by Sept/Oct. How many of the housemates have actually told her they don't want to live with her?

The housemates don't have a choice if she's signed. The landlord could ask in for the full years rent.

All of them in a group Whatsapp apparently. She been apologising and begging them to reconsider but they just say no we don’t want to live with you. I don’t think we can rely on them changing their minds. They have quite deliberately waited until they had all left and she was on her own.

It was going so well. At Christmas before they all left for home they had a Housemates Christmas Day with a full roast dinner and presents. She seemed like part of the gang for the first time

If the OP's daughter decides to leave as awful now, the rest will have to be careful as they would be jointly responsible to make up the missing rent. They may well be shooting themselves in the foot.

Sorry OP, sounds awful for your daughter. I hope can sort something and a visit and hug from her dad just what she needs.

I'm so sorry op. You're right, that's super cowardly! My child has ASD so I understand your feelings. Usually Autistic people do best when people are direct with them. It's super shitty that they can't say for example, "You're a good person and wish you the best but we find X annoying," so that she has some clarity. They such and are young/immature. Wishing your daughter the best.

@JeromeKJerome It sounds like they can't kick her out if she's signed the contract. They certainly can't give her room to someone else. Instead of begging them to reconsider, she might want to stay quiet for a couple of days and you can review the contract. It's quite possible that their parents will also explain to them that they can't do this.

Of course, this doesn't make it any more pleasant for your poor DD.

I really feel for her and you @JeromeKJerome
I can relate because at the end of my fourth year at medical school the girl I was supposed to share a flat with in final year changed her mind at the last minute. We didn't have a row or anything, she just got an offer of a room in a nicer house than the one we were looking at and dumped me. I was out on my ear with nowhere to live and everyone else was sorted. It's an absolutely horrible situation to be in, whatever the circumstances. In fact remembering that feeling of rejection and panic still makes me feel upset even nearly 40 years later and I didn't have the added challenges of ASD to deal with. It really is a horrible thing to do to someone, especially at the end of term when it is so much harder to sort things out. Your poor DD.
I would suggest your DH goes with her to the student's union and gets some advice and support. Find out where she stands legally (and you, assuming you are guarantors) and explore alternatives. She won't be the first student to be in this situation and I'm sure there will be someone who can advise. I hope things work out for the best and that she finds some more supportive people for the coming year.

Have they given her any reason or clue as to what she's supposed to have done?
Do you feel like you're getting the full story?

There are always people dropping out at the last minute and willing to take in a relative stranger.
Does she know any other people on her course she could ask, let them know she needs a room and to keep her in mind, you never know if a friend of a friend type thing.