DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

@dijonketchupthey didn’t sign without her. They all signed and the housemates changed their minds.

No doubt the housemates could have handled it with more sensitivity but they will have their own pressures and stress which we know nothing about.

There was a report this week about the importance of friendships at university and while I agree that unis should foster a culture of inclusion and mutual support, it worries me that kind souls end up as emotional crutches for needy or exploitative people (not saying OP’s daughter is either).

This is really sad for you both.

Both my kids are at uni and it is hard when you can not help as much.

On a practical level, can she move back onto campus ?
I know my son's uni allow this (some can stay on the whole duration if they want/have the space)

I know it does not help with the upset though x

I’m really sorry this has happened and second what other posters are saying about thr contracyral side of things.

On the emotional level, a very similar thing happened to me after living with a group of friends for two years at university. I thought everything was fine. We socialised a lot together and then one day they told me that that signed a different contract for a different house without me. One of the girls said to me that she wanted to stay friends with me, but she couldn’t stay friends with me if we continued to live together

I was absolutely mortified, too embarrassed to tell my parents. I just went about finding a room in a different house and eventually a loose acquaintance had a spare room and I spent my final year of university in a not so great House with not so great people, but I got through it. I still think about it (and this thread is painful) but guess what? I’m still friends with the girls who didn’t want to live with me, 28 years later.

Devils advocate but we don't know with absolute certainty that OP's DD is telling a completely accurate story of what has actually happened. The group of friends might have felt that they had told DD gently much earlier but DD hadn't understood completely or they might have thought the situation had deteriorated so obviously that DD would know that sharing a house next year was unviable.

I do think it's relatively unusual for a group that were obviously initially reasonably accepting and kind to the DD to suddenly all turn against her and think that treating her badly was morally acceptable. It is possible but I would suggest it's unlikely. I would bet good money that not everything is as it seems here.

I agree with this

Of course I feel sorry for OP’s daughter. It’s a horrible position to be in
But not wanting to share a house with OP’s daughter doesn’t make them bullies. Perhaps they just weren’t all as compatible as they first thought. It happens. Not necessarily anyone at fault

I think it was cowardly for the flatmates not to discuss this earlier. But, if they anticipated the response would be allegations of bullying and the girl (and her mother) being “devastated”, I can see why young adults might not have the confidence and maturity to have that difficult conversation face-to-face

If my DS were in this situation, I think my approach would be (1) stay calm, sensible and practical, (2) acknowledge the disappointment, (3) take steps to avoid financial liability for the lease, (4) practical steps to look for alternatives, most likely a small flat in halls and (5) perhaps most important, keep this in perspective. I would be upset if this were my DS but I think “devastated” is strong language. In reality, life is full of bumps in the road and we need to support young people to develop resilience to deal with that

Good luck

I would say that is quite unusual.

That’s really difficult, did they say why specifically? Are there things she can do to make it easier to live with her? Young people aren’t always aware of how their behaviour affects others, so while it’s difficult it’s also worth her reflecting on why this has happened. If it’s just a chemistry thing, that’s difficult but common for people with ASD (I am autistic too), but if it’s behavioural she may need to think about if it’s something she can address (like being messy in communal spaces etc)

As I said upthread, they handled it badly and unkindly.

But, there have been several comments suggesting that the other students are prejudiced, even ‘bigots’, by not making accommodations or allowances for the DD’s autism.

If they were prejudiced then they wouldn’t have wanted to live with her in the first place. Whereas they have tried living with her and, for an unknown reason, it hasn’t been successful.

A friendship group or relationship isn’t a workplace or public service and there is no equalities obligation to accommodate someone’s needs, regardless of their protected characteristics. Allowing for someone’s needs in a friendship or relationship will only ever be done out of love and compassion, which no one is obliged to provide. They are free to withdraw from the friendship if they wish.

It’s horrible for the DD but I think it might actually be helpful for her to know the reasons and reflect on what she brought and contributed to the shared living situation. Because it has to be a two-way street, regardless of individual needs.

The parent above who is teaching their DC to be a good housemate probably has the right idea.

The ever-earlier pressure to sign up for accommodation really doesn’t help. Signing for the following year in December is crazy, as a lot can happen in the intervening months.

The exact thing happened with my ds. He took a year out and finished with a lovely group.
We did loose the money but I needed him to feel safe and welcome.

Depending on the contract it could be OP who would be responsible for the rent (assuming she is a Guarantor)
Its really sad OP and I feel for your DD but it sounds like there is no point in hoping they change their minds now and even if they did I imagine it would be very uncomfortable. DD was sort of in a similar position as one of her housemates tried (and partly suceeded) in getting the others together to chuck DD out until they all realised that it wasn't DD who was actually toxic but the girl trying to get her to leave and they asked her to leave instead
Because of this and the fact that I work in Property I know quite a bit about the process for replacing a Housemate so if you think i can be of practical help do feel free to DM me

Of course, it's entirely possible your daughter has encountered a group of bullies. Equally your daughter may have displayed behaviour the other people in the house share, found intolerable. None of us on MN know your daughter or what she's like to live with. Only you can look objectively and decide, if it's possible that your daughter is difficult to live with. If that's the case, then you daughter could potentially have this issue again.

Regardless of the reasons, the other people in the house share, haven't handled the situation properly at all. They've behaved in a cowardly and mean way.

You need to put aside the emotional aspect. Concentrate on seeing if your daughter can be removed from the tenancy contract. If she can, then it may be by doing so, it voids the contract completely for everyone else or they will need to split your daughter's share of the rent between them. The other housemates will need to be notified of this either by your daughter or the letting agent/landlord.

It's not your fault OP. You just have to try and help your daughter navigate the bumps in the road, the best you can.

If you are in England the RRA may not allow for one month’s notice but ideally you need someone to check the TA signed by them all, perhaps the SU housing officer. Are there any private halls with self contained studios?

I disagree that the flatmates handled this badly. There is no perfect way to tell one flatmate that they are no longer wanted and it's always going to be devastating to the excluded student and their family. But a group of housemates has every right to wish to live without someone who causes them emotional disturbance.

I think we can take it as read that none of the people in this story is perfect, including the OP's DD. I shared houses until my early 30s, and often had a lodger when I bought my own house in my mid-30s, to help with the mortgage.

Living with other people is hard. If you're married, you sign up to take the rough with the smooth, and there's the romantic/sexual connection at the centre of that cohabitation! Flatmates, not so much. You have to make a lot of compromises, and adjust your behaviour in relation to others.

The other DC have clearly. behaved badly, but we don't know whether there's already a dynamic with the OP's DD that meant they couldn't broach the subject of the OP's DD being difficult to live with.

I feel your pain,my heart goes out to you all,the saying that you are only as happy as your unhappiness child is something that I feel alot. I have young adult and older one with asd and as a mum it's so hard seeing their struggles,and seeing all the non understanding and non acceptance and isolation they go through...A huge well done to her that she has managed to leave home and go to uni,that's such a massive stress and strain.She must be feeling so unsettled not knowing what her living situation is going to be,and so rejected bless her. I'd presume housemates were being typical partying, loud,messy uni goers,which must of been very hard for her cope with day to day,so some clashing went on there,with her reacting and trying to get what she needs,and them feeling they have to consider her too much,and they are not at home now living with parent's and want to live the experience. Reasure her she's doing so well,she's there doing it.( many can't even try,and many leave in the first few months) But even though it's sad thinking of her being alone,maybe that would be best for her.Obviously living with one or two like minded quieter tidier,sleep routine people would be the ideal.But finding and affording those situations is hard....I really hope something gets sorted quickly, and I hope she doesn't carry on taking this so badly,or let it knock her confidence. Big hug to you,and finger crossed for speedy solution X

I think I’ve read this right. All house tenants (including your daughter) signed another contract for 26/27 academic year in December 2025.

all students bar your daughter have left the house for summer and this is when they’ve messaged her to say they don’t want her to stay in the house anymore and don’t want her to stay for the 26/27 contract.

LOL it doesn’t work like that 😂😂😂😂 they have been very impulsive and immature and have not looked into the legal consequences.

you’re daughter can not leave the house as she is legally contracted to pay for years 26/27. (She could sub Let but wouldn’t recommend as they don’t seem like nice people and your daughter would still be financially liable).

She can contact housemates saying they can contact letting agent and enquire about paying cancellation, re advertising fees, contract admin fees but she will not be contributing to those additional fees. Let her know by X date. But it will likely also bite them in the arse as the landlord will put rent up for them. Potentially student contracts do have some sort of cancellation clause eg the student drops out etc. that’s your only hope tbh. As the alternative and her staying there is shit. Figure the rest out later.

overall very shit situation, I’m very sorry to say. I’m autistic and lived in a flashare I couldn’t get out of, the girl told me she didn’t like me but couldn’t tell me what I had done or said-nothing apparently just didn’t like me (tried everything offered to pay anything point blank no from estate agents) I ended up having a break down and moved home and had to keep paying whilst not living there. My mum did help me out extraordinarily, as at this point I was so overwhelmed I had shut down completely and couldn’t communicate. She spoke directly to the estate agents (didn’t get anywhere but still helped).

Omg this happened to me.

A girl tried to call a coup to get me excluded from the next house. I said ok that’s fine whatever. She was only doing that because I called her out on bitching about another housemate.

The house realised this then decided to remove her. By this point I didn’t really care. But it wasn’t orchestrating that.

Her dad rung me and went mental screaming at me that I was a bitch. I remember putting him on loud speaker and passing him to my mum who unleashed Scottish fury on him and he squeaked and hung up 😂

I had something a bit like this when I was at university but I was on the other side. For us, it was because we’d found out the girl had basically been telling lies about everyone in the house and spreading them to people causing fall outs. Just random lies for attention.

Absolutely not saying that’s what your DD has done, but I think all the people piling on them as cowards need to consider that they are also very young and clearly there’s a dynamic in the house with your DD that has caused them such discomfort they have had to tell her they don’t want to live with her.

However, PP are right that they’ve left it too late if she’s signed the contract.

I have nothing constructive solution wise to add but I wanted to say I understand your grief. I have an ASD Dd who wouldn't be able to go to uni but I get it... This is the stuff you cannot legislate for and it beggars belief that these young people can be so collectively unkind.

That's incredibly cruel of them, your poor daughter. She doesn't deserve that. I hope her housemates are haunted through their adult lives about how cruel they've been.

How did you manage to stay friends? Were you not hurt? Did you ever find out why they didn’t want to live with you?

But the OP daughter is still liable to pay the rent as per the contract whether she lives there or not. The others won't be picking up the tab, legally, it's the OP's daughter. She needs to talk to student services at the Uni and then to the letting agent who dealt with the lease, to find out her options. Best case scenario is that the house mates have someone else lined up to take her room, but that needs a new lease, otherwise OP's daughter continues to be liable for the rent if the new person doesn't pay.

People are being really quick to call these girls all sorts of name her with absolutely no information. University students these days are extremely tolerant and I just don't believe they've done this based on her autism.

From a legal perspective, they cannot exclude your daughter from the house nor can they give her room to someone else. If your daughter leaves the house, which would be fully understandable in the circumstances, they should cover her rent and any fees involved in finding someone else to replace her. If she finds alternative accommodation and it costs more than the rent she would have paid on this house, they may be liable to cover the increase.

Their university may be interested in what has happened here. It may be a breach of their behaviour policy. Maybe it is just me, but I would report them whatever your daughter decided to do about accommodation.