DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

Please do not try to justify their behaviour or your behaviour in any way.

Regardless of the suitability/preferences of flatmates, they are (and you were) plenty old enough and smart enough to have a conversation, let her know and be diplomatic about it.

They have left her with no accomodation, in the most disgusting way imaginable.

OP I am so sorry that your DD has ended up with this bunch of vile little shits and I hope you find her somewhere nice to stay.

Tell your daughter to stop messaging them and begging them to reconsider as this won’t help. She should already have support in place from the university as she is autistic so get them on board helping to secure a third year accommodation place and mental health support. Get your husband to check the rental contract. If I was one of the other girls’ parents, I would be very annoyed as guarantor to find out that I might have to also cover someone else’s rent for the student year but that’s on those other girls. I really hope you get sorted op .

What a gang of utter bastards 😡

What a bunch of twatbags.

She should give her notice on the tenancy now (and oops that will end the tenancy for all of them, what a shame). It's so, so hard at that age, trying to navigate grown up stuff like housing while none of you are really grown up.

Maybe living alone is not a terrible idea IF it's a self-contained space within halls or a larger house share. I would encourage her to look for groups and clubs where she'll meet people who share her interests. Where are the other ASD kids hanging out? I appreciate that 'we both have ASD' isn't necessarily the basis for a deep friendship, but it might be a good start to becoming more sociable and finding more ease around others.

I'm sure it will work out in the end. You sound like lovely parents.

both my dds hard a hard time when renting at uni,
one was in a huge house and all of them bar my dd, were invited abroad to one of their family homes
she will get through it op, wiser

It was pretty cowardly for them to wait until they had left and to tell her by text. I think they owed her a face to face conversation at the very least. And it was horrible to leave it until this late.

They may well have good reasons for not wanting to live with her again, and saying that it's "because of her autism" doesn't tell us much. It is possible that there were aspects of her behaviour that were difficult to live with.

If she has already signed the contract, I'm not sure that they can legally just kick her out, but I suppose the real issue is whether she would actually want to live with people who clearly don't want to live with her. Maybe it would actually be better for her to live on her own if that's affordable?

My dd shared with two friends for a year, and for various reasons, she found one of them impossible to live with. She and the other girl knew that they definitely couldn't live with her for another year because it was just way too stressful for them. However, they felt that it would be mean to exclude her if they were going to live together again, so they mutually agreed to just move out and each find other people to live with.

There’s specific exemptions in the renters rights act for certain types of student housing so please don’t rely on information from here. I’d advise your dd to allow you speak for her, and you can go to the students Union and get advice. They’ll see this regularly.

She remains liable for rent until or unless she gives notice. Which is the entirety of my point. You’ve also included some helpful info, but why are you trying to argue at this time of day, when we’re basically saying the same thing?

What is obvious to you, may not be to other people.

Sounds like they wouldn't have the courage to make her life hell. They've hidden behind WhatsApp to tell her. People find it very hard to be horrid to someone's face.

A friend had similar in uni.

Housemate they got on with when contract signing in December turned into someone they knew it would be hard to live with. None of the 4 others wanted to live with her next academic year, so in June they asked her to try to find somewhere else (to her face). She said it was too late and she'd signed the contract too. (Good for her for sticking up for herself)

They all lived together for the year. They found times to work around each other in the kitchen. They tolerated each other. They weren't unkind, but weren't friendly either. Whenever I was round the house and the girl came in the kitchen, there was a brief hi, and that was it.

Maybe DD needs to change tack and say she's staying. Tell them they can't chuck her out as she signed the contract too.

How horrible for your daughter. I can see this sort of thing happening to my dd (also asd) as she always seems to be on the fringe. Makes friends but friendships don’t seem to last.
she is very lovely and has a big heart but truth be told I find her difficult to live with at times (she’s 18) so I do worry about her sharing accommodation.

in your shoes I’d do everything I could to get her out of the contract - ask them what they suggest eg are they willing to cover her room rent? Find someone else? They sound immature as the time to voice concerns would have been before signing. However we don’t know what’s gone on and there might have been an incident or something.

still, it will be awful for her to have to stay there in that environment. See if she can exit the contract and find something else.

im so sorry. There are such high hopes of finding your people at uni and it just doesn’t go that way for everyone 😞

You say she has been apologising, but what did she need to apologise for?

Either way. The key is that this clearly isn't the right house share for her.

OP as others have said you can get out of the contract but it needs to happen fast to avoid paying two lots of rent. Living alone may be too expensive, halls would be the best bet at this late notice. Worth asking the uni.

Sounds like potentially it's she who made their lives hell if they've taken the step to remove her from next year...

She's obviously hard to live with or done something unacceptable for them all to agree. Did they not want to confront her because they were scared of her reaction?

Also worth asking if she could be a halls warden or similar - usually only an option for post grads but if she wanted to be they might make an exception. Means the halls are a bit cheaper.

Disgusting behaviour.
is there an autism society at the uni or perhaps on Facebook there is a group of autistic students in the area she could chat with and see if they need anyone to house share? Or can she speak with the person that runs the department for disability and ask them?

Nobody can say it’s horrible behaviour without knowing what happened.

How is it 'disgusting behaviour' you have no idea what happened and only have 3rd hand information from the OP

get a halls place lined up then give two months notice day before the joint contract starts .

Sorry to hear this, it’s awful how some young people treat their so-called friends.

As she has signed the contract she/you will need to find out if the housemates have found someone to take her place, if not she’ll be liable for the rent.

Student support are usually really good so it’s worth seeing what they recommend. She could look at spare room as there are usually rooms going in student houses (people drop out etc).

I wish you and her luck (I’ve had two children go through uni with various issues - always hated the houseshare pressures/issues).

You can’t do this. The two/month rule doesn’t apply to student housing.

Easy to say that without hearing their side.

I did say that too lol but I have been ignored. The op needs to go to the SU for advice

The burden of responsibility for someone who self harms is a big one for the other housemates who are also likely only 20, and not one they are obliged to continue with.

It's very sad for your DD, and the way they did it is harsh, but then I'm not sure it would have been better for them to have told her earlier and then for her to been tied in to still living the remainder off the academic year with them.

This sounds so hard, Op. Housemates should have told your DD before now at the very least. Your DD will get through it with your support. My DD, like others on here, had an appalling year in a shared flat, was accused of all sorts by other flatmates and bullied. It was horrible, we ended up spending £100s to get her out of the situation which we could hardly afford.

Good luck

@Kinfluencer , that is a really good point: I had been looking at this through the eyes of a 45yr old nurse and mum, with friends/family who are ND, NT or have disabilities (and whose DC have ND and NT friends), and ofc I work with many people who are ND/NT etc. I should remember that these are all young people in very late teens/early 20's, and I don't know the full story.

OP, if you can get to the bottom of what happened to cause such a change from Xmas time, it might help your DD for the future. It could be that she did nothing wrong and they're just nasty bits of work, could be something else. Could be that the housemates had tried talking to her...could be that they didn't know how..

Hopefully today can shed some light on to things, and a good plan going forward can happen!