DC20 excluded from student house for third year, feeling devastated

[JeromeKJerome]

Had devastating phone call from DC20 this afternoon . They have just finished second year. All their housemates have gone home for the summer so she is in house alone. She got a message saying none of them wanted to live with her next year. They signed another contract for the same house back in December. She has no other friends. She has ASD and all she will say when I asked what caused it is it’s because of their Autism. This is so hard and I’m so devastated. Don’t know why I am posting but just lying awake unable to sleep. This happened a few days ago and she’s apparently been begging them to reconsider but they won’t apparently. She’s obviously done something but I’ve never had her cry like that before.

Feelings aside, they can't just decide to break the contract. Her contract is with the landlord, not with the others in the house. Get your husband to check this carefully as the others may need a reminder from one of you that they can't actually do what they are doing, using the group WhatsApp if necessary to communicate with all of them at once (call a group meeting so that they know it's with parents present) You may find the other signers/guarantors don't know what their young adults are doing, or the potential financial implications for all of them.
Ds always preferred his own space to sharing with anyone.

Yes, why not? It gives the OP's daughter the chance to think about how she's behaving and to not make the same mistakes again. The OP's daughter needs to grow up too, and understand that if she's going to function as an adult in the world/the workplace/wider society, she's not going to be constantly shielded from the consequences of her own behaviour as she probably has been as a child. The other housemates need to learn how to deal with conflict so that they don't end up the victims of intolerable situations as adults in the workplace etc because they are too scared to tell someone the truth about their behaviour and how it is affecting others.

Hopefully she will find some other accommodation & can then get out of the rental she has signed.

They have gone about it in an awful way but perhaps things were ok when they all signed & for a while after?

Whatever did or didn’t happen over the past few months, it’s very unpleasant of the group to decide to exclude OP’s DD, leaving her with nowhere to live, and not telling her until term has finished and she’s on her own without support. That is nasty. It also leaves her with a big problem of where to live.

Wherever the fault lies, it sounds like the DD needs a new start with different people. I hope it all works out.

Student Services or Support or Housing, whatever her university calls it, will have seen this a million times and can advise.
Back in 1998 they helped me in very similar circumstances and I had a lovely peaceful end of university housing, and the bullies went on the target other housemates.

@ForWiseRoseCat I agree with some of your post, but it’s not really about wishing the others in the house share to lose their home. It’s about the only way for DD (and her guarantor) to avoid liability for rent on a house she’s not in being to give notice, which, after the RRA, almost certainty gives notice on the whole contract.

The landlord would probably then sign an amended contract with the smaller group, but that part isn’t DD’s problem.

Is it a university flat or a private rental?
Is it done as a single contract or individual contracts with the landlord?
If it is individual contracts then they can’t force her out but obviously with the relationship broken down it might be better for her to move out. In either case I think they should be shamed into paying any penalty faced by her breaking the contract.
She should probably contact student services or whoever gives her extra support at uni. As well as general emotional support they may be aware of some single person accommodation.
Nasty bunch of flatmates though and one just has to wish for karma to strike.

It's pretty disgusting to wait till you've all gone home, and the autistic flatmate is alone in the house but not yet at home with her family, to jointly and brutally reject her from the plan next year.

That's awful behaviour and it's quite right that they are called on it. No, they don't have to live with someone they don't want to, but there are ways of addressing that that aren't cruel and cowardly. Clearly they had discussed it for it to be on the group WhatsApp, but they saw no need to raise it in person, nor to wait till their flatmate was home with family and had support.

They have been horrible. That's just the reality of it.

@YouputthetwatinKathleen there are plenty of 40-somethings who wouldn’t tell someone (who they considered a good friend at some point) that they were being intolerably needy. Would you say that to a friend or even an acquaintance? Truly?

Can't she just come home op, and do her work online with occasional contact meetings? Last year in uni they're hardly in anyway. If she's only an hour or so away might be doable.

If they have all actually signed for another year, then that is legally binding. They can't just decide not to live there as they are liable for the rent.

Your poor daughter. I remember those years when you are desperately trying to fit in. To be honest though, my life improved immeasurably when I finally accepted that I'm never going to be like other people, that I was never going to have normal friends, and that that is perfectly fine.

I have to add, even though I think what’s happening to your DD is awful and flatmates are cowardly, my daughter (who is ND herself), lived with a flatmate who had OCD and it was very difficult - she spent an age in the bathroom - like up to 2 hours (I stayed over once and I was busting for the loo in the morning but couldn’t go), if you even slightly moved her food on the counter she’d melt down and have to throw it all away - there was probably more but the bathroom was the main issue.
She was a nice girl, I met her, but in the third year she went in to halls with an en suite (may have been studio flat but not sure) - she probably realised shared living like that wasn’t tenable.

I would ask student welfare to get involved; the others cannot stop her from living there as she’s on the contract and needs a home.
I think halls sounds the best plan but only if your daughter’s contract can be passed on to someone else.
Whilst I’m sympathetic, she may know of incidents that have occurred; it is bullying behaviour to have got together like this to exclude her without proper discussion but no doubt they have their reasons.
Third year is pressured - maybe your daughter causes so much extra stress that the others don’t want to face that next year. I hope this can be resolved - she too needs a supportive atmosphere next year.

Absolute nonsense
She self harms, likely they have told her and her reactions meant they did it this way as it was a difficult situation

though it is hard on you both I am sure that it was also difficult for the house sharers to tell her. its obvious if there were problems or your daughter did not engage with them they did not wish another year of the same issues.
could there be anyone at Uni who could help you? someone who oversees the students well being?

Yes.

@JeromeKJerome this is such a sad situation for your DD. You probably won’t ever find out what went wrong, unfortunately. I would focus on the practical aspects of the contract implications and finding a place to live next year. Then support DD to have a calm and positive summer break so she can start to put this horrible experience behind her.

How would the OP know the contact details of her 20 year old daughter’s housemates parents.

People are inferring she is a victim of bullying because her so-called friends held Christmas with her, while behind her back, signing a contract to live without her. They planned to leave her without accommodation for next year deliberately, and not tell her until they’d all moved out. Whatever her behaviour, that’s a huge arsehole move.

IKR.

As said posters are projecting due to their own social difficulties.

This is the huge challenge with ASD, it's a communication disability and with that may come many behaviours either to compensate or due to trauma or simply due to being single minded and unable to see things form another's point of view that can make living together hellish and indeed emotionally coercive. I speak from experience.

I wouldn't bother wasting any time on the flat share or challenging their decision, just a legal way to exit the contract. DD should speak to the landlord, give her notice and cooly inform the ex house mates. Why have they all left and why is your dd still there and not home too? She will need to move her stuff.

Op's dd likely made mistakes and the other sharers have too. If OP's dd is very sensitive to rejection it would make it especially difficult to have an open conversation with her. The problem with ASD is that often autistic people struggle with understanding another person's experience or their own behaviour and won't empathise or be able to change.

My dc will soon go to uni and I am trying to help them be a good house mate now. I am teaching them to clean up after themselves, communicate well, and being a considerate person but also to have strong boundaries respecting another person's space and need for privacy, being aware that people can feel home sick or stressed, managing noise and being considerate about bringing guests or love interests home.

Granted it is hurtful for Op's dd but these students are not necessarily bullies, nor do we know if Op's dd is forceful or moody. The best outcome is to learn about her own needs, accept herself and that house shares may not be for her at this point in time. She should focus on her final year, work experience, part-time job and if possible find a lovely accommodation for her final year. You can turn this around but try not to victimise her, else she won't learn about herself and how to best look after her needs and underdone her limitations.

The way I understand the OP, @dijonketchup they all signed the contract inclduing the dd.

I’m sorry your DD has been hurt, but I agree with pp - there are two sides to every story. It would be helpful if they could clarify why they’ve made this decision so your DD can learn from it, but there’s no obligation for them to do so.

Did you notice any behaviours that might be difficult for housemates to tolerate while she was living at home with you? Noise, needing things ‘just so’, not cleaning up after herself, keeping radically different hours to the rest of her housemates, melt downs, etc?

You don’t know that though. Something might have happened between Christmas and now. Maybe there was a big argument last week? maybe they realised that the OP has been keeping rotting food in their room and there’s been a mice infestation.

None of us know. One of my scenarios might have happened, or yours. Or something completely different.

All the guarantors and email addresses were named on my DD's contract.