**tamoxifen** number 15 ****

[MaryAnnSingleton]

can you believe it ??!!

Evening all. Pranma, your poem struck a chord and moved me to tears. That is EXACTLY how it feels to me too.

KK, your mum will appreciate her 'food parcel' when it arrives - nice and easy food when she's feeling tired and too stressed to cook. I remember the feeling sick when the phone rang when my dear dad was in hospital all those years ago. I'm sending you a virtual hug through the ethernet. Oh, and thank you for those links - I will read them later when I'm less frazzled and have more time to digest what I'm reading, rather than just skim.

Good to hear your aunt's making good progress, Jane. I hope she continues to improve. Have you found an alternative to your swimming yet(apart from going back to bed ?

MAS, I bet it's great to have the boys home. I know I like it when my boys disappear for a few hours or even overnight but then I start to miss them.

Topsy, it's lovely that your friend's hubby has found someone else but I can understand why it raises so many mixed emotions for you. Must be incredibly hard to watch. I hope your MIL fed you up this afternoon? Have you saved a cupcake or two for later?

Shoormal, pretty normal I would say too, especially with everything you've had to contend with as well as your diagnosis. I've just finished my rads and these last 9months have been a rollercoaster for me - physically as well as mentally. I am looking very well - everyone tells me so - but of course I am feeling very fragile knowing what I do about this bastard disease. I am considering counselling to talk through my innermost thoughts rather than burden my nearest and dearest.

Pink, has he stopped asking questions yet? It's very tiring, I remember that phase well. I always said I wouldn't do it but did, on occasion, answer with a very exasperated "IT JUST IS".

Enjoy your first post-op bath Smee and NO GETTING STUCK. And enjoy those Pringles too.

We've had a brisk seafront walk again but it was a tad colder than last week. Armpit skin is in a disgusting state - black and peeling as well as stinging. I have tried to put dressings there but they wont stay put so am wearing a vest instead.

Looking forward to Strictly, X-Factor and Downton tonight - just need some FBS. Just pass them over please - no throwing...........

amber...nosebleeds are so annoying.

topsy...i started to get nosebleeds towards the end of my chemo never had them before.

smee...lol do you think your son could put up with "is the dog german he could be related to hitlers dog"

figgy...hes still at it hes just said to me "jordons dad use to be a fireman,you didnt know that did you"

Hi well pink my DS has just told me that my eyebrows are lopsided and did I do that to match my boobs! Apparently I look like I am leaning! He is such a darling!

Ooh yes, Pink am sure they'd get on. Recent proof and just from a few days ago, as he told me his friend's dad was dead (me: Oh dear, did Friend tell you that?), yes he died in the war (which war was that then?), well the first one of course (are you sure Friend said that?). He said he's a soldier and I'm sure he's dead as I've never seen him. (well okay, but that's a bit of a difference to being killed fighting in the first world war). Mum?! (Think about it, if he fought in the FWW, that would mean he died nearly a hundred years ago) So? (well Friend is only 7, so his dad had to have been alive at least up to 8 years ago). He was shot fighting in France. (Where did you get France from?) That's where the soldiers died. You told me that. (That was the British soldiers but Friend's dad is Chinese.) I didn't say he was French. (Just that he died there?) Yeah.
We went to his friend's birthday two days later and guess who was opened the door to us..?

at your son ILGC.

I wonder if it's a boy thing ? though my little Sophie who is 8 is always asking me questions (usually ones I have to carefully answer- about the death of a local woman who went missing, and all about Colonel Gadaffi- I think we've covered lesbians too)

Laughing lots at all the boy logic on this board tonight .
Think smees boy needs some history lessons

Caught on nicely with my little emotional infarct wasn't I ?
I genuinely quite like the new lady in my friends life , but I just have a vision of Linda sticking a toe up her arse and saying "get the frig out of my kitchen" !

Am absolutely knackered .
Had a nap after Grannys this evening . So now am quite away off going back to sleep again .
It's quite nice though cos DH and the DC are all in bed and I have the tv and fbs to myself .

Is it too late for a microwaved dish of macaroni cheese ?

What are we all up to tomorrow ?
It's our Halloween half term here , so I have the DC off school for the entire week .
Lord knows how I will manage my internet shopping with them home all day ...

Morning all. Guess who forgot to change her alarm clock yesterday and was up at 5 instead of 6? Silly me. Kettle's on for a .
Not sure yet if I'll make it to work this morning as lots of blisters and weeping of underarm (sorry if tmi).
Does anyone else do this? I put a totally brave face on all day but the minute I get into bed I start to silently cry myself to sleep. It's been happening a lot lately and Ive started to not want to go to bed. I dont think Im depressed as Im such a chirpy person usually but theres something about bedtime that sets me off. Sorry to be so glum.
Topsy, we've just had half term here. I hope your weather improves so you can get out and about with the DC.

Wow, this is a busy thread - I seem to have missed a bit. Figgy, sorry to hear that your bedtimes are tough - maybe this is a time when you are relaxed and let down your guard. Is there anything that you do to make bedtime easier? I tend to read myself to sleep these days (just because my eyes close before I can put down the book). Hope the blistering heals quickly - sounds like a day off wouldn't come amiss though.

I get my biopsy results tomorrow and am really nervous. My Dad has arrived to stay for 4 weeks (the joy of an expat lifestyle) and I've had to tell him I have a meeting for work, rather than a medical appointment. If the results are OK, he never needs to know - if I need treatment, I don't know what I can tell him. He would be devastated, especially after my mum died from bc, and I don't think I can cope with that on top of the medical and my own and DH's emotional roller coasters.... Not sure but praying for a negative tomorrow.....

Meant to say, anyone got any appointments today? Best of luck and candles lit already x

Am I too late for a Figgy? Sorry to hear you are not so good.

I have convinced myself my skin is going to be bad at end of rads - freckly skin frazzles at the least sight of sun and boobs are not used to it. Will slather on the aqueous when I get up.

Cat been trying to get me up for an hour but he gave up and dd1 gave him breakfast! Feel a bit mean but I was trying to teach him that the clocks have changed!

Good luck for tomorrow butterflies. I hope your dad enjoys his stay.

Thanks again for all the responses and it's very reassuring to hear that this is normal. I think the counselling will help. I'm a counsellor myself so I know the benefits. However the disadvantage of this is that I usually put myself in in the role of listener and find it hard to let my own stuff out. I must say it's helped to put some of it down in writing.

I'm sorry I've not caught up with everyone else! It seems everyone has a lot on and lots of other stuff to deal with. I guess that's life but that doesn't make it easy.

KK Thank you so much again for the links. The 2 bits that leapt out at me were about people commenting how well I'm looking and also about 'putting it all behind me'. Both of these things have been said a lot and I've realised actually I really don't like it when people say that to me. I felt quite emotional when I read that it's normal to feel like that (and I don't really do crying - something which I wish I did more of).

Figgy - I know exactly what you mean about putting on a brave face all day. I use up all my energy at work and then am utterly knackered at night. My daughter (15) who is normally lovely has started to get annoyed with me as I am 'always asleep'. Then when I go to bed I really don't sleep well at all.

I hope everyone manages with whatever this thing flings at them today.

figgy I agree with butterflies - your guard is down and it all catches up with you.Sorry to hear about blistering-am desperately trying to think of my dressings which were so fab-it's on the very first tamoxifen thread,but that seems to be long gone.
butterflies will be thinking of you tomorrow - really hoping for the best outcome.
shoormal Crying is something I do very seldom,am so buttoned up-and yes,'putting it all behind you' is very irritating.I suppose people want you to be better so they don't have to worry/think about it and as far as they know,after treatment you're ok...I blame the media for this 'all clear' nonsense. I had Cruse counselling last autumn to tackle a lot of unresolved stuff and it was totally brilliant -really helpful.
Love any one having treatment today. Am off to vet with Celeste for her annual jab and trying to make appointment with doctor with my fingers (am thinking there's arthritis- oh the joys of getting older)

Morning All

figgy your skin sounds so painful , think you need to make a phone call and get it looked at . The last thing you need is an infection setting in .

butterflies will be lighting the candles for you tomorrow , what time is your appointment ?

Couldn't sleep in this morning , don't know why . DC are on Halloween half term , I know nearly everyone else in UK are heading back to school today . But we are only just starting ours .

Nurse should be here this morning to take my syringe driver down .
And I have a shoe delivery expected ...

Have crumpets , real butter and hot chocolate on offer for brekkie today . Any takers ?

Yes please, topsy. Hurrah re shoe delivery!! And hope the syringe thingy goes ok.

Figgy, eek re your skin. As topsy says, I think you may need that stared at by someone?

Butterflies, everything crossed for you today. If it's not the news you wanted, remember that treatment now is hugely different from what it was a few years back. The odds are very good now.

MAS, hope the doc appointment for your fingers goes ok. Arthritis isn't a bundle of laughs (she says from experience), so I hope it isn't.

Jane, we've had the same thing with the animals here too. Grr.

Morning everyone else too! Hope today's do-able.

I've swapped to a slightly shorter working week now to give myself a bit of 'me time'. Might work, might not.

topsy ds is home today for an INSET day...didn't sleep well either. Crumpets would be divine
Have an appointment with doc at 4.10....

Figgy, maybe you being so chirpy through the day is why you need a bit of a cry at night? Be glum with us a bit sometimes to let it out. You never know, that might help. We'll all understand as have been there.

Your skin sounds grim. Topsy's right, go and get wounds checked. Post rads is the only time my lot failed me, and I had clothes sticking to wounds which was horrid. I have got some fantastic cream called 'Flamazine' which my unit gave me. Very soothing and stops infections. I have two complete tubes left, so could post today first class if you'd like?

FOR ALL THOSE HAVING RADS NOW / ABOUT TO START - don't panic reading all of this, as you probably won't be like poor Figgy. I know it sounds like we all had these problems, but mine was because the tumour was close to the skin surface so they blitzed it. The majority of women find their skin stays in tact.

Butterflies, you'll be okay tomorrow, I just know it. I will have everything crossed for you though. Tell us the time. xx

shoormal, I'd bet on a good day, it's interesting for you as a counsellor trying to gauge how you're reacting. I'm not in that line myself, but I have found out so much about myself and my emotions from going through this. not all good, but sometimes it's been positive.

Topsy, I'll have a crumpet thanks. Hope the DC can entertain themselves this half term. Bit of a sod for you timing wise.

Kurri, I so hope you get some good news from your parents today xx

What can I do for Halloween tea/ few games then? I have a small gaggle of very excited 7 year olds after school. Not doing trick or treating, just going mad at home. I can make a gruesome jelly, do a bit of apple bobbing, might do a bat hunt. Any thoughts welcomed.

Good-morning everyone.

Butterflies - good-luck with your results tomorrow. The waiting is horrible.

Figgy - that sounds horrible - as others have said get someone to look at it as it may get infected.

Should be at work - but am waiting for kitchen-man to arrive. At least the traffic should be quieter when I eventually go.

ilovegeorgeclooney...the cheek lol mine asked me the other day while i was looking for something "are you looking for your marbles,oh no you cant be you lost them years ago"

smee...omg hes so like my son and the stuff he comes out with,thats the kind of thing my son would say.everyone thinks my sons really funny they want to try living with him lol blooming hard work.when my hair fell out he loved it and couldnt resist snatching handfulls when i least expected,no wonder it only took 2 days to lose my hair.

mas...must be so nice to get your boys back.

topsy...oh my that must be so strange though the lady is really nice it must really kick at your heart.

figgy... hugs that sounds painful,my dd 19 had her first holiday last year to celebrate passing her A levels and she burnt her chest and it blistered badly she used aloe vera gel which really helped but not sure if you can use things like that as i was told when i finished my rads last week that radiotheraphy continues to work for a few weeks after treatment finishes.best to ring them or see your gp for advice.sounds to me when things go quiet it gives you time to think from what i understand it happens alot to people at the end of treatment when you think about it you have just been on one hell of a ride.

shoormal...your not on your own i do the always falling asleep thing to and im not working at the moment must be so much harder for you.

amber...i hope the new work hours suit you better.

i need to go out but cant as i keep needing the loo,getting fed up of this enflamed stomach thing it kept me up saturday night till 5 in the morning.waiting to be refered back to the hospital not heard anything yet feeling bit annoyed ive had to go through my gp instead of oncology.

Figgy - you sound amazing, what a lot you have to put up with at the moment, others have said it all, but do get your skin checked as often as you need to. (surely the rads people do something?) Night time is really horrible for me too and I haven't even started treatment yet, I cry and cry and feel I'm in a horror story, on a roundabout and can't get off. I'm still in denial, I think, they must be wrong I have big terrible thoughts that I can hardly express and worry that I'm going into depression, then pull myself together and the whole thing starts again with no escape.

Oh Drift I do feel for you. You are probably going to feel much more in control once you treatment starts. I find that exercise lifts my mood and helps me sleep as long as not done too late in the evening.

Smee. Thanks for your wourds of reassurance about the rads. I don't think my armpit should suffer as much as only incidental rads there. I'm worried about the final week which will be a boost over the lump site which was very close to the skin, there was only 2mm margin there.

I am such a wuss, I've got the doctor to sign me off until the end of rads, but I would like to go back to work in December. We have had a reorganisation at work and it will be strange working with a new team when I go back ...

Thank you janechocchip, I feel for you too! Reading about all the side effects, it makes me feel angry as I get the sense that people are just abandoned once the treatment has been administered. I'm also dreading the journeys, that is making me feel ill. I think I have a cold developing and have my pre assessment this Wednesday, shite!

Hello everyone, I'm back from holiday.
How is everyone?
I have not a hope in .....of catching up, page 12 of a new thread....wow. Have you all solved the world's problems, started/finished/surviving treatment and invented new FBS?

Hope everyone is ok. [hsmile]

Thanks lovelies, appointment is at 10.30am so 2.30am your time - hope you'll all be sleeping soundly at that time though!

Figgy and Drift you seem to be having an especially bad day today - may tomorrow bring light and relief x

Hi Sparkle. Don't worry about catching up. How was you holiday?