**tamoxifen** number 15 ****

[MaryAnnSingleton]

can you believe it ??!!

pranma..that brought tears to my eyes and really touched home,to friends and family we often put on a brave face as we dont want to upset them,worry them frighten them with our fears.we all have up days and down days this thread has really helped me get through knowing that people here really understand.

it's beautiful pranma- thank you x

Morning all. Cat doesn't know clocks have gone back! Was out yesterday. Will read posts later.

Ok Have read the posts but can't reply to them all.

I like Pranma's poem. Thanks for posting.

Drift - In my hospital the consent form details exactly what will be done. Surgeon joked that they used to use the words 'necessary' . The sentinel node biopsy result is given with the path results for the lump and a further op would be done if the node turns out to be positive.

I've had breakfast and as I'm banned fom my Sunday morning swim I'm going back to bed! Shoulder really stiff today don't know if it is rads related.

Kk - here's hoping for +ve news for your Dad.

Aunty quite bright yesterday. Being on the 4 beded ward suits her. She is now eating small amounts of puree and sipping some thick drink. I misunderstood, she still has nasal gastric tube in but happier because they are letting her sleep in a flater position.

Waves to everyone else. later :)

glad to hear that aunty is making good progress jane

really hope that kk's father is too- and that her mum is managing to eat. When my mum was in hospital for her broken hip I used to bring her things like cereal bars,dates,dried fruit and little cartons of orange juice.Best of all she liked the Costa frappaccinos because they were cool and refreshing- I was worried she wouldn't be getting enough liquid and fibre.

My boys return today- it was nice being on my own,but also very odd and empty without them. I realised how hopeless I'd be looking after myself if I was (God forbid) on my own as I'd never bother to cook and would live on salad,crackers and cake. Also, drinking wine isn't so good on your own.

Many thanks for all your good wishes, so far the news is no change. I've sent him a big colourful card to look at, - he can't manage sweeties of any kind.
Have sorted out an online delivery for mum, and included treats, and ready meals - things like macaroni/cauli cheese, mashed potato, veg dishes etc, that she can just pop in the oven when she gets home. She's currently having to make herself sandwiches to take in for her lunch while she's there feeding dad, I mean she's 90, she's nursing him and they can't even give her a bloody sandwich . (we're talking about the hospital that lost all dad's clothes and gave him scabies last time he was there, - but there's no alternative)

At least my sister lives close, so she can kick off if they start messing him around again.

I'm feeling utterly exhausted by it all, and actually physically sick ever time the phone rings (And when I phone mum I can hear the panic in her voice, because she thinks it is the hospital ringing).

We know the old chap is probably reaching the end of his innings, - but we all love him so much, its too hard

Much love to everyone, - will pop on whenever I can, but I'm so sorry, I've lost track slightly. So loving thoughts for everyone going through tough stuff of any description.

Figgy - my armpit went black and then all the skin peeled off, -It was sore unfortunately, I used some of those non stick dressing pads so it didn't stick to my clothes and the thing I found that healed it, was plastering it with savlon cream(but that's not official medical advice - just what I did!)

Pranma, thank you so much for your poem, - believe it or not I was thinking of it the other day and was going to ask you to put it up again - telepathy eh? Its a lovely piece of writing, thank you for sharing it with us.

love to all xx

Morning All

pranma that poem was lovely . Says it all really !

I was out at a Halloween party last night . Had a lovely time and a little too much to drink . But thanks to my anti sickness syringe driver I have no hangover this morning !
It was a bit odd though , because the party hosts were school gate friends . But my good friend (the mum) died a year and a half ago , and now the dad has a new partner . I don't begrudge him having a new partner , and I actually really like her . It just seems really funny watching her going round my friends house , doing things in my friends kitchen , doing things with my friends children etc .
I suppose it just makes me realise how much I miss my friend , and also what if that's my family in a few years time ?

Off to Grannys soon for lunch . Am starving today so I hope she has a good spread laid on !
Waiting for the nurse to arrive to refill my syringe driver .

Ooh and apparently my good friend and next door neighbour delivered a box of home made cupcakes whilst I was still in bed this morning , that's breakfast sorted

kk cross posted with you there .
Biggest of hugs winging their way over the water to you this morning .

Hi, I posted a tiny bit on a previous thread but not since. At the time I think I had been given the diagnosis and was about to have radio therapy. Luckily I have not had to have chemotherapy and am very grateful for that fact.

I had 19 treatments of radio therapy and it has all gone very well and I had a follow up appointment with the surgeon on Friday who says everything is 'very satisfactory' and to come back in 6 months for a checkup and mammogram. All very positive and fine.

So why then am I currently feeling more crap than at any point since I was given the diagnosis? I don't know if it's due to the tablets I have to take. I'm on Letrozole for 5 years and I can't decide if I might be better off not bothering. I am not sleeping very well and I seem to ache all over. I have very little energy and constantly feel guilty for not exercising enough (or at all really). I also feel quite down and weepy a lot of the time.

I haven't really spoken to many people about it as everyone thinks I am coping really well. I am for the most part but when I'm on my own I feel really down. I feel enormous (always a source of guilt) and think that if I would just go out and start running again that all would be well but then I just don't seem to have the energy.

God - this all sounds so bloomin' self pitying!

I did have a quick word with the BC nurse who says it's all quite normal really. I have been referred to a Cancer Care facility in the area for some counselling and information and it sounds fantastic. I struggle a lot however with the thought that I'm not ill enough really and that because I didn't have chemo and all that goes with it that I don't really qualify and that I should just 'get on with it'.

Does any of this ring bells with anyone else?

Morning shoormal I am not at your stage of treatment yet , but if there's not a physical reason for your fatigue etc , I think it could quite likely be emotional .
And that is perfectly understandable . You have been through a massive experience . And , to be honest , I think when you get towards the end of your treatment it gets harder because you get everyone telling you how wonderful you are doing . You are looking great etc . And you feel like you should be moving forward , but it's bloody hard !
I think we will always have this axe hanging over us that people just don't understand .

Self pitying ? Nooooo ! Perfectly natural in my book .
Go for the counselling , I am on a waiting list for it with Macmillan .

Hope some of this has made sense and not offended at all , I am slow moving this morning !

Thank you topsy - hug much appreciated Hope you are feeling OK at the moment - any news of when your radiotherapy will start?

Shoormal, - what you are feeling absolutely normal - in some ways the treatment is the easy bit - because you have a routine you are in touch with the hopsital, you are being looked after. I've also heard friends who like you didn't have chemo express all sorts of mixed emotions, - guilt, not having been through 'enough', not 'ill' enough, etc. - all nonsense of course, each type of treatment carries its own special problems and emotional fall out.

I would certainly take the chance of counselling if you can, it really does help to express all these things (especially I think when you find loads of other people have felt that way too)

meanwhile I'll link you to a couple of articles by Dr Peter Harvey, which I've found very helpful (there's nothing scary or uncomfortable to read in these, for anyone who is uncertain about clicking on links)

this one is called after treatment finishes

this one is more extensive info. by the same person, - cherry pick sections you feel might be relevant to you

HTH

sorry - typos and missed words, - hope you get the gist!

KK, that link's bloomin' brilliant!

KK's attachments are very good- I did read the one after treatment ends after radiotherapy.
Shoormal what you have said rings many bells with me. I felt dreadful after radiotherapy finished- kind of lost and alone. I also suffer the guilt and feeling of not having been through as much as others, so have no right to say I've had cancer properly- which really troubles me still.
topsy - cupcakes for breakfast sounds heavenly- and am envious of proper Sunday lunch
KK I can imagine the phone ringing bit- heart chilling- I am sending you a huge hug -so difficult for you.x

Thank you so much for the responses. I've had a quick look at the articles and will read them further. I was told at the outset that people react in different ways at different times but remember thinking that I wouldn't and I would be utterly fine and would just grit my teeth and get through.

There is a lot going on in my life as well which doesn't help. I worked full time hours throughout the treatment and have continued that ever since. My husband and I have separated and our house is up for sale so I feel I have little choice but to keep working at a busy but not very well paid job to keep my finanical worries down a bit - maybe I'm beginning to see why I'm knackered!

Thank you for being so kind!

you do have a lot on your plate Shoormal - am not surprised you feel so exhausted and low. Don't underestimate what you've been through - a cancer diagnosis is a pretty big thing,no matter what the treatment is- don't beat yourself up about the not suffering enough or being deserving of help or anything- take it from someone who understands !

Illness , marriage breakdown , house move .
That's pretty much ALL the major triggers anyone needs in their life shoormal !
I think I would be more worried if you weren't feeling the pressure !

shoormal...oh my goodness you have been through so much no wonder your feeling like you do.the councelling sounds like a very good idea heres hoping that all the bad things are now out of the way and you can now start to recover.

kurri..i hope you get some better news about your dad soon.i read the first link and found it very interesting thanks for posting.

ds has got it on him today instead of being out with his mates hes plonked himself on the settee and doing his best to drive me mad.

ds.."mum is the dog english"

me.."yes sweetheart"

ds.."how do you know"

me... "because i know he is"

ds.."are you sure hes not german or japenese"

me..."why on earth would you think that"

ds..."because of the sounds he makes"then gives impressions.

hes got his question head on and thrown all sorts of odd and wonderful questions at me today.ahhhh

Eeek! Nosebleed!! First one for years....herceptin side effect possibility...urk.
Need .
Anyone else for one?

eek ! hope it's stopped now amber !

I have been having nosebleeds the last couple of days too amber
Nowt to do with Herceptin here though , prob just "shoe frenzy"

I have been having nosebleeds the last couple of days too amber
Nowt to do with Herceptin here though , prob just "shoe frenzy"

Shoe frenzy, eh? I'll not be going near those then

Ooh, hope the nosebleeds have stopped. I hate those.

Pink, wish you lived closer we could sit our boys on the sofa together so we don't have to listen to them

Drift, I think you should ask all those questions when you sign consent. Surgeon should give you time and go through all likely outcomes with you.

Figgy, my skin broke down and went. Mostly back as healthy pink, but a few bits look a bit ropey still. honestly not too bad though.

MAS, hooray for your boys being back. Am sure absence makes the heart grow fonder. Hope you have a treat tea planned.

Topsy, your post about your friend's party was so jaw droppingly you. Massive emotion undercut by going to Granny's for lunch. You are allowed just to stop before you undercut you know. On here of all places x

Pranma, your poem's perfect. Thank you for sharing it. Totally why we all need one another.

Kurri, how aware is your dad of what's going on? I'm guessing not a lot, but it must be a huge weight on your poor mum. Good that your sister can be on hand, but it must be impossible for you not to be there. I hope you get some better news tomorrow. Nothing much seems to happen at weekends in hospitals.

Jane, great to hear your Aunt's doing so well. What did you decide about exercise during Rads then?

Waving to shoormal. The others have all said it, but I think you're very normal too. I know I was in bits after I finished and my BCN told me to expect it, as it's so common. I think we all throw everything into the structure/ slog of treatment, so don't think how we'll feel once we're through. Keep talking here. I know I found it incredibly helpful just to hear people recognising how I felt.

Am having a break from restoring the house from visitors. So much washing to do, but am going to pile it in a heap, pour DS into bed, then run my first big post op bath. Have hidden remains of a tub of Pringles from DS, as they're all mine [hsmile]

yes topsy -agree with smee
Am so happy to see my boys- nice tea tonight !