My sisters children are going to be removed

[Namechange543]

Name changed for this but hoping someone can offer some advice.

My sisters children are going to be removed, there is a court hearing on Tuesday to decide this but with the overwhelming evidence against her and the fact they’ve been on a child protection plan for so long with her making no positive steps it’s only going to go one way.

The social worker tells me once the judge has made a decision they will speak to family about placements for them. I really want to help but the problem is she has 3 children and I already have 2 of my own so I can’t take them all. I have a 4 bed house so couldn’t fit them even if I could cope with 5 children.

Will they want them to stay together or will they split them to keep them with family? And if they do split them how on earth do you decide which 1 you take?

It’s such a nightmare. My mum could take 1 and I could take 1 but then do we leave the 1 not chosen to go into foster care. How damaging would that be! I’ve cried so much this week with the guilt that I can’t help them all.

of all the threads i have read,this is the saddest.

OP donot feel guilty about not taking these children. I think your mother is very unsuitable.

I too would not consider splitting them, but out of them all,you could take the youngest. But again, i would not

of all the threads i have read,this is the saddest.

OP donot feel guilty about not taking these children. I think your mother is very unsuitable.

I too would not consider splitting them, but out of them all,you could take the youngest. But again, i would not

Splitting them between you and your Mum is fine but leaving one to go to foster care is just cruel.

Can you have the kids on some kind of rota so you and your Mum have " or 1 every few weeks?

It's a dreadful situation but honestly, the one child that gets put in care won't forget that. It will haunt them.

Having read your updates OP, I think you should drop any idea about taking one of the children in. I think that will set up a gaping fissure across their relationship that will never be recoverable.

What I think you should do however is invest your time and support into become their advocate and the person who 'holds' that family bond. So you co-ordinate the three placements for time for the three of them to be together at your house, you coordinate time that they say your mother, whether that's individually or together, you are essentially the one who facilitates them still being 'family' while (hopefully) they get the help they need in their individual placements.

And if you felt like making a massive complaint about their social worker at the same time, I don't think that would be a bad thing either...

What an awful, awful situation.

I think all in foster care is the best option, though I would be inclined to consider taking your younger DN, The older children need an experienced foster home and intense proffesional care.
Ive worked within social care and The older 2 DC really will need seperate homes and intense support.
The youngest will need proffesional support but is still young enough to overcome this more so than the older 2.

How utterly heartbreaking for you and your mother.
I wish you both well and ofcourse the DC too x

Will they be allowed to stay together if there has been sexual abuse? I think, and this sounds so harsh, that you should take the youngest one. Will the one who has perpetrated the abuse not need to be in a suitable foster home. Could your mother take the 9year old, as that’s less hands on care?

Can you have the kids on some kind of rota so you and your Mum have " or 1 every few weeks?

This is a lovely thought but you really can’t do this kind of thing with kids who have been traumatised. They need routine, order, and their own bit of physical space if they are ever to have a chance at healing. They’ve come from chaos and they need order to rebalance it.

This is so sad OP. It made me feel sick she took bets on her children fighting. Those poor children. I would think they would be better off in Foster care as sound like they need a lot of help. You cant feel guilty about it, I would be trying to keep as much as a relationship with them as possible if they go in care. Like you say so they know that they are loved by you. I think if your mum gad any of them your sister would try worming her way back in. Sound like they need her out of their life complete and forever.

They can and do split siblings. I fought tooth and nail to keep my grandchildren together but because of the additional needs of the eldest SS refused.

I haven't read all of the comments.

If the children have suffered abuse you absolutely need to ensure SS give you assurances that you will get support for their psychological needs.

Camhs has a two year wait where I live. As a mum of two kids with sen I can tell you getting access to services is incredibly hard. People think help and money is thrown at kids with disabilities etc but I can 110% assure you that is not true.

I know it's not a mumsnetty thing to say, OP, but you are awesome. You clearly want the best for those boys and love them very much.

They are very lucky to have you as a strong, articulate advocate for them when their own parents (and social workers) have let them down so badly.

Hi OP, something noone has mentioned yet is that most FC of children with complex needs/significant trauma will, as well as significant training and experience, have no other work. If you work full time and any partner does too, you may not be able to offer what a FC can. Not trying to put you off though. As I said before, if you think you may be able to help any one of them, do talk to the social worker.

Also, you mentioned earlier that you are worried that SW is under playing their level of trauma and needs. Don't worry about this as they will do this with FCs and FCs do know it and go into placements with their eyes open.

On the positive side, I've seen children flourish after being taken out of abusive households and into foster homes not every time, but there really are a lot of success stories. Even for children who were seriously violent or have shown inappropriate sexual behaviours.

Wishing you all the best. You seem like such a caring aunt and they're lucky to have you in their corner

The child who sexually abused his sibling cannot remain with either of them. Isn’t that obvious? Not in foster care or in your family. That child will need to be placed separately.

How is it of any benefit to the children to have contact with one another? They don’t appear to have a bond. Not a healthy one anyway. Surely being placed in three separate homes would be a start towards their healing?

OP this is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. At least the boys have you and your mother who still want the best for them.

How did your sister end up like this? I have two daughters myself, I can't even imagine how your mum must feel about the situation.

Those poor poor children. You and your mum sound lovely and knowing they have you there for them even if they are fostered will mean a lot to them.

@mumwon Thank you for that. I appreciate that this thread is horrific reading and people are going to really hate my sister as a result. I’m furious at her, I hate what she has done, I’m so angry that she’s caused this situation and she is absolutely not in a place to be a parent but she isn’t ‘scum’. She has long standing and severe mental health issues. She has also been failed by services and left to fail. She has gone from one abusive relationship to another and is the exact personality type that abusive men go for as she’s naive and easily led. She can’t see just how far from normal and damaging her behaviour is as it’s all she’s ever known.

You have already helped your dn's by being the best auntie you can be and the fact that their behaviour is better when with you is something that you can be proud of. Please dont be so hard on yourself if you cant take dn's in, with all they have been through they need more support than even you their auntie could give. You love them and im sure they do you too and no matter what happens that will not change.

This is so heartbreaking for you, what those poor children have been through is awful. I don’t have any advice as I have no experience or expertise in this area. Do you know if you can continue to have contact with all three? I imagine they will end up in a foster home to begin with and will be offered counselling? It would be good to know if you can maintain contact so that you can be the rock and provide support whilst they take the next steps of their lives. Maybe for now, this is best and in tome you may be able to help further?

I hope they, and you, get the support that you all need. Xx

@LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett

Having read your updates OP, I think you should drop any idea about taking one of the children in. I think that will set up a gaping fissure across their relationship that will never be recoverable.

What I think you should do however is invest your time and support into become their advocate and the person who 'holds' that family bond. So you co-ordinate the three placements for time for the three of them to be together at your house, you coordinate time that they say your mother, whether that's individually or together, you are essentially the one who facilitates them still being 'family' while (hopefully) they get the help they need in their individual placements.

And if you felt like making a massive complaint about their social worker at the same time, I don't think that would be a bad thing either...

I think this sounds like the best idea. You can do a huge amount for them by looking out for them, helping them navigate the system, help make sure their foster placements are safe, and being the constant presence, where the siblings, when they are ready, can hopefully come together for visits.

I am so sorry - this is incredibly hard.

It’s really sad not one child but 3. You obviously love your sister OP. Even with the issues you have mentioned she is responsible as she should have taken contraception!! Unless she doesn’t have capacity? There’s no excuse.

I would split them between your mum and you, yes it will be hard, but I would find a way. The care system in this country is an awful place for any child.

I am so sorry for those poor kiddies.

Can you have the kids on some kind of rota so you and your Mum have " or 1 every few weeks?

Oh fgs! Here you have three damaged, disturbed and unhappy children and you suggest the family takes them in turns? It isn’t a game of pass the parcel ffs. We’re talking about the lives of three traumatised young children. What are you thinking?

Could you not manage two children, and your mother could take one? I am also wondering if SS could set up some proper support for you? They prefer to keep children with family where possible.