My sisters children are going to be removed

[Namechange543]

Name changed for this but hoping someone can offer some advice.

My sisters children are going to be removed, there is a court hearing on Tuesday to decide this but with the overwhelming evidence against her and the fact they’ve been on a child protection plan for so long with her making no positive steps it’s only going to go one way.

The social worker tells me once the judge has made a decision they will speak to family about placements for them. I really want to help but the problem is she has 3 children and I already have 2 of my own so I can’t take them all. I have a 4 bed house so couldn’t fit them even if I could cope with 5 children.

Will they want them to stay together or will they split them to keep them with family? And if they do split them how on earth do you decide which 1 you take?

It’s such a nightmare. My mum could take 1 and I could take 1 but then do we leave the 1 not chosen to go into foster care. How damaging would that be! I’ve cried so much this week with the guilt that I can’t help them all.

[Alanna1]

In your shoes I’d talk to social services and engage a lawyer, too. Isn’t fostering paid? Or not if it is intra-family? If it is paid could you afford a bigger house? There many be other options too.

[drspouse]

How old are they OP? They do try to keep siblings together but as others have said sometimes it's just not possible.

[Iminaglasscaseofemotion]

With a four bedroom house and only 2 children of your own, you definitely do have enough space to take them, however I understand you may not be able to cope with that. You can not let 2 stay with family and have one fostered out, that would be unbelievably cruel. Can't you take two and your mum take one?

[Sassysusan92]

This is heartbreaking for the children. I don't think choosing would do any good for any of the children long term. It's such an unfair situation as all this is not any of your doing and will be so much extra work for you. I know you must resent your sister for having children she's unable to look after.

Is there a particular reason you feel as though you physically couldn't take two? How old are the children? Could they not get in bunk beds? I would think so long and hard you don't want it to be something you all regret for the rest of your life. Really thinking of you.

[drspouse]

Isn’t fostering paid? Or not if it is intra-family?
Usually yes but often not for kinship carers.

[MissMarks]

They may not let them go to your mother depending on why your sister has been unable to care for them.
I would suggest that you either try and make room for the three of them, or it is better they all go to a single foster family if possible.

[Redwinestillfine]

I think you need to think creatively about how you can keep them together. Is moving an option?

[bringbacksideburns]

You can't split them up. That would be awful. I know someone who went through similar with their own daughter and the third child was fostered and never felt part of the family again and was isolated.

How old are the children and how old are your's? Is there a way 2 could share a room for the time being whilst your mum has the third? Even sleeping on an inflatable bed downstairs somewhere for the time being would be better than being all alone!
I think in your situation I couldn't split them up and what goes in your favour is you don't have a two bedroom house which would be impossible.

[Theforest]

Although I can see its a big ask, there needs to be serious consideration in taking them all, but your mum helping out a lot. 5 children in 3 bedrooms would work depending on ages. It has to be better than foster care or splitting them up.

[AIMD]

Op so sorry you are going through this difficult time. It must be a really hard to decide if you will offer to be a career or not. I think I’d struggle with 5 children although I know others manage it easily. Also you have to balance up their needs with the needs of your own children. Are your and her children similar ages?

Generally social care try to keep siblings together unless there is a specific reason for children to be separated (eg younger children being able to be adopted or them needing to be separated to meet their individual needs).

Social care will do a viability assessment of any potential carers from within the family. Your best to talk to their actual social worker about the situation with the children being separated as they will know what the priority is going to be for the children.

What is the situation with their father/s? Or their father/s family?

[Etinox]

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

With a four bedroom house and only 2 children of your own, you definitely do have enough space to take them, however I understand you may not be able to cope with that. You can not let 2 stay with family and have one fostered out, that would be unbelievably cruel. Can't you take two and your mum take one?

Good to see someone else thinks that 4 beds is big enough. You have enough space. Which does't mean you have to take them of course

[Scrumpyjacks]

I've been in your situation unfortunately op, it's shit because you feel you should do the best by the children whose upbringing has been challenging so far but you also don't want to change your children's course of life due to your sisters faults.
I literally didn't have space for them though, being in a 2 bed flat. If I had a 4 bed house I would probably have agreed to take them IF I felt I had the mental space and the finances to bring them up. If you don't (I wouldn't have) then don't do it because it isn't fair on any of you. It's difficult and no one can tell you what to do. It's such a unique situation.
I do also agree with the pp who said your sister would make things difficult for you if you took them, this was also a consideration for us.
Please don't split them up.

[BIWI]

You have a four bedroomed house. Of course you can take them in

You (and your DP/DH if you have one) in one bedroom, then your two share a room, with the other two rooms for your nieces/nephews. Obviously who shares with who will depend on their ages/sex, but it's perfectly doable.

[Doodar]

please don't split them up. There is pay for kinship care now, a relative of mine does this and gets £150 per week per child.

[Coffeeandbeans]

Four bed house and five children is possible. Could you get a grant from the council for an extension, convert the loft, use the garage? You can’t split them up that made me feel so very sad when I read that.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I'm so sorry, how awful.

Don't split them up, whatever you do. I can imagine that being the ONE course of action you would all look back on and bitterly regret -it would be possibly the most damaging option for everyone. Even you and your children, left to live with being the people who chose :(

I really hope someone with first-hand experience of dealing with SS as a fosterer comes on here. Basically, right now you are in the strongest position you will ever be with SS. They will, 100%, want family to come forward and make their lives a lot easier by taking them. They will also want to minimise the financial help given to you, if you do take them, as much as possible. Sorry, but it's just the way it is.

I would get help - maybe even family lawyer - with insisting on help if you do take them. 5 children in a 4 bed is absolutely doable (does depend on bedroom sizes though) - how close is your mum? Either you taking them all OR your mum taking one and you taking two and there being help between all would be possible, but insist on fostering agreement with financial help.

OP, if you were coming on here saying 'No way, I can't do it' my answers would be different. But you're clearly thinking that taking more children into your home IS possible for you. If that's the case, I would think that the best outcome emotionally would be to argue hard for as much financial help as possible so that between you and your mum you can, at least right now, keep them together and take all of them. The alternative doesn't bear thinking about - to leave one of them in care.

[Branleuse]

If it was me, i would be taking them in but insisting on a lot of support and back up from social services and from the rest of the family. Practical support, childcare etc and also financial support.

[Snailsetssail]

To those people saying of course the OP can take them in- taking on 3 extra children is an absolutely huge decision and not something that she should be pressured into.

It would completely change your life, and that of your children. Your DN’s are your family, but not your responsibility and so think carefully about any commitment you feel you can make to them. Foster care with a really supportive Aunt who visits, takes them out, has them for sleepovers etc could be much more positive for them than you stretching yourself to try and bring them all up.

It’s a really hard decision which ever way you take it.

[Harrysmum2020]

Many years ago my ex took his nephew who was 5 and his mum and dad to his two nieces who 1 and newborn it worked quite well as they lived very close and all went to the same school etc... but the would’ve been 15 years ago so I don’t know how the system works now but they grew up very close all the siblings and it worked well

[Doodar]

you also have to think longterm, would your sister have a problem with the children living with you? also if she never gets them back could you support them until them till adulthood?

The only other option is foster care and taking 3 will be problematic, plus they will probably have to move placements often.


you may also have to consider if they were put up for adoption if your sister doesn't get them back.

how old are they?

[TeenPlusTwenties]

Is there any realistic chance your sister will be able to turn things around if ad interim she doesn't need to look after her children?

It is all very well saying 'don't split the children up', but 3 children who have presumably been neglected or poorly parented may have considerable needs. Again depending on dynamics, they may be better apart than together. It is quite possible they wouldn't be all together in foster care anyway.

Depending on the ages, younger children will be more 'adoptable' than older ones, which, depending on ages, could impact your thinking.

If you can keep them within the family by you having 2 and your Mum 1 (or the other way around, or some kind of shared care), that is likely to be the 'best' outcome.

However OP you do need to consider the impact on your own children and whether you will be able to meet the needs of your sister's 'traumatised' children as well as your own.

You also need to consider whether your sister is a 'risk' to the children. Is she likely to come round to your house shouting the odds, being aggressive etc? If so placement outside the family might be better.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

It's fine if you don't want to take them, it really is - but you do have enough room. Don't tell them that's why you can't take them because they will see right through you. You could have all three in your spare room if you wanted to make it work.

As i say, it's fine to not take them if it's not going to work for your own family, but don't use no room as an excuse.

[Giggorata]

As a social worker, I have observed that larger groups of siblings are all too frequently split up in care.
It is difficult to find placements for them, and when/if behavioural issues emerge, splitting is often seem as a solution to sibling conflict, or the way to salvage a foster placement for some of the siblings.

If you or the whole extended family underwent an assessment with a view to caring for them, this would include a financial element.

[Etinox]

Taking on three children when the OP has two is a huge task, but she has space, It's not a space issue.

[lowlandLucky]

You have more than enough room and 5 children is easy. It is up to you to do what you want to do.