Unacceptable things that men do in relationships

[Superlambaanana]

...which women put up with but shouldn't.

I'd like to create a list of stuff women do for men and put up with from men because society has programmed us to - and which we often don't even recognise as unacceptable.

I'll start.

Expecting their wife/ girlfriend to be dressed up for them all the time while they make far less effort in return.

Huffing like a child if they don't get what they want/ have to do a domestic task they don't want to do (but expect their wife/ girlfriend to do anything and everything without complaint).

Women brushing stuff under the carpet to protect his ego. e.g. pretending something is fine because he bought it when in actual fact it's horrible/ doesn't work/ was a total waste of money.

Women doing days or weeks of exhausting prep for family events like Christmas and barbecues, only for men to do the last but of cooking and claim all the glory.

I had a BF that used to fart in bed and then waft it up to us by pushing the duvet up and letting it fall. Eggy ones very often, the dirty sod.

Yes. I'm not suggesting that men who display some unacceptable behaviours don't also balance it with virtuous behaviour. Or that all men are lost causes or that a man who doesn't pull his weight can't still make a decent partner/ father/ colleague/ friend etc.

I'm interested in listing the things we put up with because society has told us the behaviour is ok, but we shouldn't have to tolerate. Particularly things that we endure without even realising until much much later, if ever, that it's not ok.

@quockerwodger great ones. Managing a man's mood is a great one. I've done that myself many times and see many women doing it, often without actually realising or thinking "hang on, why the F am I doing this?!" Mainly because they've consciously or unconsciously adopted the position that it's easier to pander than to face the chaos while also juggling a hundred other things at once.

There was one Christmas.
Ex had a bee in his bonnet about the amount of toilet paper my nephew was using in the toilet.
When I said it doesn't matter, ex went moody and quiet and it caused an atmosphere.
Eventually he pulled his head doubt his arse, so when he moaned about it again a little later, I bit my tongue so as not to put him in a mood again and not have the atmosphere.

If anyone ever thinks,
"I better not do / say that or he'll go in a mood"

Leave. Then and there.

In my case, I waited till my family went home and then told prick to pack his bags and fuck off. Tolerating that shit for not a second longer.

I'm so sorry but I'm really confused here - OP didn't say 'give me sexist things all men do' I thought the brief was very clear, why are people going 'I don't know any men like that'?
That's great, but seems a bit weird to say it as if no relationships are like that, just cos it doesn't happen to you, doesn't mean it doesn't happen - am I going mad, isn't that obvious? Sorry if I've really misinterpreted the responses here.

Some people aren’t in relationships like that and don’t have the first hand experience of it. They’re not saying that all relationships are like that.

I’m not going to say things I think men do as if they are a homogeneous group. Some people are just crap. I wouldn’t add to a list of ‘crap things women do’ either as I wouldn’t want to lump all women together.

You have understood perfectly. Some people have wilfully misunderstood/ do not believe women ever put up with anything unacceptable from men/ think it's women's fault if they're not 'strong' enough to avoid men who behave in unacceptable ways. Whenever there is a thread on MN about the dynamics between men and women there are always a few people who assert that men never do anything wrong and divert it to what women do wrong. Even when DV is being discussed, there is always someone along to assert that women are just as violent as men.

I am interested in airing things that we (collective we as well as individual 'we') put up with often blindly because society says so.

Like hair removal. Who would wax if it wasn't for men?

And managing men's moods and tiptoeing around them because society says it's better to be in a relationship than not and that means compromise (always seems to be the women doing the compromising though).

Those small behaviours and actions which we gloss over or rationalise as 'taking the bad with the good' - eg accommodating his weird or overly time consuming hobby.

Or things we are afraid to call out because the backlash could be worse than enduring it - eg maintenance sex.

Men who do things if asked but never actually shoulder any of the load of running a home and family. Not doing the mental load in any way, or the physical load, despite both parents working full time.

I remove hair because I prefer to not have hairy armpits, legs or bikini line. It isn't rocket science 😭

(Edited as I included things outside of relationships!)

I am surprised at the reaction this has had on a feminism board where presumable everyone is well aware of socially accepted and ingrained misogyny.
It's been a long day but here are a few that I can think of

• Doing all the school admin / mental load (schools often phone Mum first if there's a problem)
• Planning for food shopping (even if cooking is shared)
• Feeling guilty / grateful to have time away from the kids
• Hair removal, lip fillers, lash extensions - in fact makeup in general (I wear it because I like it but it was designed to increase attractiveness to men)

There are many more and I think dressing up is still very much a thing looking at my DD. She's in her early 20s and dress up to go out and so do all her friends. The boys turn up in joggers and t-shirt.

@Madickenxx I like wearing make up too and have no plans to stop, despite becoming a lot more 'don't give a damn' and obviously invisible to men as I get older.

But I honestly believe that the reason I like make up is because I have become programmed to like it. If I lived in a different society where women were truly treated equally and not expected to dress and preen ourselves to impress men, I don't think we would wear make up. Or both men and women would!

Making decisions based on the feeling that if she doesn't give a man what he wants then he won't like her.

For how much of your life did you have properly grown out hair in those places (not bristle from hair growing back out after removal) to make this comparison? Why don't you have the same preference for your arms and your head?

First post out if the gate is a NAMALT and blames women for male behaviour. Pathetic.

The point is that there are fuckton of immature, selfish men. That is in no way women's fault.

Why don't you have the same preference for your arms and your head?

Bingo!

The women saying "the men in my life never do things like that" are lying to themselves. They just don't want to admit they've put up with shit from men. It's depressing to face it, so I get it, but FFS, they should face the truth. There is no heterosexual woman who has never experienced selfish, entitled behaviour from a man.
They are being intellectually dishonest in using just your examples so they can say that specific thing doesn't happen with the men in their lives, when the truth is that similar entitled behaviour does.

I don't wear make-up except to weddings and other very formal events. I use it like armor because I have social anxiety. Somehow it helps me to feel protected, like a layer of insulation.
The rest of the time, no way. I remember being chided by my mother for not wearing makeup on an anniversary date with my ex. I told her I like my face just the way it is and if he didn't like my face as is he should just divorce me. That shut her up.

Yeah, but why? It's because it has been deemed unacceptable by society for women to be hairy. You didn't make that decision is a vacuum.

🤢

The "babysitting" thing is a great example. They also say they "help out" with their own kids and own house.

I see the truth in what you are saying OP.

For the "all the men I've ever known have been wonderful" brigade... what motivated you to become a feminist if you've never experienced any of the consequences of living in a patriarchal society in which a majority of men exhibit or benefit from entitled behaviours such as those highlighted by the op? 🤔

Yes I've had shit relationships because I'm a crap, weak person. Thanks for that.

Interesting question! Maybe they are doing it for the rest of us, who are weak with low self-esteem, and therefore know awful men. Must be lovely to only know men who do 50/50 housework, childcare, planning for Christmas, school administration etc etc. Also fairly unusual, I think?

Why do you prefer that though? Why do you not prefer to have no hair on your head (I assume)? It'd be lovely and cool I'm this weather, and save on shampoo