Unacceptable things that men do in relationships

[Superlambaanana]

...which women put up with but shouldn't.

I'd like to create a list of stuff women do for men and put up with from men because society has programmed us to - and which we often don't even recognise as unacceptable.

I'll start.

Expecting their wife/ girlfriend to be dressed up for them all the time while they make far less effort in return.

Huffing like a child if they don't get what they want/ have to do a domestic task they don't want to do (but expect their wife/ girlfriend to do anything and everything without complaint).

Women brushing stuff under the carpet to protect his ego. e.g. pretending something is fine because he bought it when in actual fact it's horrible/ doesn't work/ was a total waste of money.

Women doing days or weeks of exhausting prep for family events like Christmas and barbecues, only for men to do the last but of cooking and claim all the glory.

Because I don't like the sensation on my legs or underarm. Because I feel less sweaty without it. It really isn't rocket science.
And in my experience the only judgement is from other women, 😜. Hence three women quoting my choice...

One thing I've noticed in general is that men expect first dibs at food, with no thought as to whether there is enough for all. The older generation always plated up something at a buffet for the men while they continued to hold court, then the women saw to the younger children before themselves. But there has also been many a thread where a dh has eaten special items from birthdays, or kids packup, or even hunted down hidden snacks. Food, whether priority access or used as abuse tactic, is actually one of those secret and hidden battlelines.

So every woman is being brainwashed. Honestly sometimes I think women are my worse enemy.

I shaved my legs before I had interest in any man. My mother didn't. I didn't like the sensation. But if course I have indoctrinated because I am not going around with braided armpits

My dh does more than most dads but I still do far more of the mental load, facilitating relationships and organising the ‘making memories’ type activities.

I have never in my life met a heterosexual couple with children where everything is split 50/50 in England. I’m surprised how many women on here insist they are in those relationships, perhaps they are too busy being 50/50 online and that is why I don’t meet them in real life.

I'm not judging you! Why would you think you were being judged? I also shave my legs and underarms. I'm just questioning why we do, and why (most) men don't make a similar choice. How can men tolerate the feeling of hair on their legs and underarms, and (most) women can't?
It's strange isn't it?
And no head hair would feel amazing in this weather, I think 🤔 but it's usually only men who are able to feel that sensation, for some reason.

I had an incident at work with a process we should have taken 50/50 responsibility for. He'd noticed an issue several weeks before I did, but didn't do anything about it until I raised it and did the legwork. He then said, "Ah, glad I didn't stress about it now - I thought to myself, it'll all come out in the wash and aye, so it has." And he's right - no harm done, and it was boring and time consuming but not ultimately an issue to fix it.

And I think that sums up a lot of our attitudes to domestic stuff too. Ignore, deflect and the sky won't fall in... "we just have different standards". Then, be smug about the fact that the sky didn't fall in because the kids ate nuggets for tea for a week straight or the loo went uncleaned, when in reality, a woman sorted it for you (albeit late) by balancing it with a healthy few days or by eventually cleaning the bathroom.

Also, how many women with 2+ infant school aged kids would go to the gym an hour before setting off on a family holiday? Because I know several men who do. Fathers retain space in their lives for selfishness and single-mindedness in a way that mothers generally don't.

Conforming to social norms is not the same as being brainwashed. I also shave my legs and underarms. Doesn't mean I don't have an interest in why that is and why men generally can stand the feeling of hair on their legs and armpits, and women can't. It's an interesting question

I said any judgement comes from women. No idea if it the same for you but my head hair is a completely different texture it is smooth, very slight wave and keeps my neck cool.

Hair everywhere else is rough, springy, thicker so I would guess that is the difference. My partner and older son shave underarm and legs 🤷‍♀️.

Do they? I've never met a man who shaves those areas, I don't think. It seems very unusual to me. Maybe it's not, though 🤷
(Just joking, I know it's not usual for men to do this, but is usual for women, however much anyone tries to argue the opposite)

A lot of men I know do shave ,🤷‍♀️.y uncles who are in their 60s-80s did for years they wear shorts and cycle think it was the ,1990s were a nurse told them it made stitches easier.

Of the men I had relationships most did their legs, but they would be swimmers, runners, footie etc. I enjoy fitness so I suppose that scews my experience.

My eldest is 16 he reckons it's 50/50 in his peer group, and he made a comment about actually only knowing because recent discussions about sustainable razors. His peer group would be fitness and nutrition focused. They honestly are not fashion or appearance focused as such.

I've never known man who shaved his legs or arm pits.
Some shaved head and or face, but that's it.

If the markets there, the razor companies are missing a trick not advertising leg razors for men. They'd have to give them a masculine name of course - "Gillette Mach 11 Ball Control Smart Razor - For legs, back and coin purse. With specialist wire covering to protect the saggiest of Nutsack skin."

Well I assume they use the same brand that is already use. They also use face wash and moisturiser, they use face treatments. This isn't exactly as earth shattering as people are making out.

I reckon most men like mine buy their products online and have loyalty schemes and are more brand loyal than women. 🤷‍♀️

The internalised misogyny on this thread is shocking.

I'm also so confused because if men are so great like the 'not my nigel' brigade are saying then surely we don't have a need for feminism or this topic on Mumsnet so this post/thread doesn't exist, but yet here I am replying... 🧐

Some other examples which are specific to me but I hear various examples of from other women:

Saying 'you do too much' when I complain about doing the housework, but reaping the benefits of me 'doing too much' rather than stepping up to share the load.

Not taking the initiative to do anything around the house. Seeing things on the floor and stepping over them. Seeing the nappy bin is full but squishing one more nappy in. Seeing a full laundry basket but balancing his clothes on top. He knows I'll get to it so there's no incentive for him to put himself out.

When I ask for some support I'm then asked 'what shall I do' like I'm his boss.

Ooh, the boss thing. Shrödingers boss. Simultaneously needing to be told what to do but also hating it because it emasculates him.

Always talks about how men 'just want to be left alone' and 'be men' with the implication that all women want to do is to complain to their men all day and not find the power of their own womanhood.

Complaining that my standards are too high, when I ask him to help me, but oh, how he'd notice if he was living in a house that wasn't up to scratch.

And before anyone asks, I am leaving him! I'm not putting up with this bollocks.

I don't know any men like this but-
They think we enjoy domestic chores, and pretend they're incapable of doing them to an adequate standard.
They don't realise how much sacrifice we make for them.
They have no interest in our hobbies but blather on endlessly about their own.
They think parenting as a woman's job. All they need do is go out to a big important man job.
They think we enjoy wasting time, money and effort removing all our bodily hair, or changing the colour of our hair, eyebrows, skin etc.

I'm sure all of the choosy choicers would have invented body hair removal if it wasn't expected by wider patriarchal culture, in the exact and coincidental pattern that is expected by wider patriarchal society. Fine. If we all agree that, will you allow the restof us the chance to have a discussion about hair removal from a societal and sex class perspective, please?

I find it hard to write off the mass rise of available pornography with the ever increasing pressure for women and men to remove genital hair and to see the rest of their body hair through that frame. To my mind it has all sorts of connotations that are problematic: making bodies unacceptable on their own terms, infantalising the bodies of adults, I think these are both problematic.

I'm sure I recall the studies they did in sports science wrt public hair that it promotes hygiene to have hair around one's sweat glands, but there is a pretty powerful cultural narrative that hair is unhygienic.

In any case I don't think we can overlook the opportunism of grooming product manufactures in this either. Talk about creating a problem you can sell a solution to! That's why ultimately I reckon we will move to sex equality on this - sex equality is always achieved much quicker when there is a clear economic driver to it eg "allowing" women in the work place rapidly became its necessary for couples both to work. But there is no economic driver which would make it advantageous for men as a class to take up more of the free labour women currently do within their families. So equality is harder to come by in these things

Oof...does that mean that the women that 'put up with shit' are weak?

Whilst I agree the OP is being deliberately goady, as a feminist I believe in supporting my fellow women and recognising that many are trapped by their circumstances due to patriarchal systems - not the same as weakness.

Yes this is a great one. Expecting women to share their food and eat less. Why do we put up with that? Probably because society tells us we must be waif like, small things who take up no space.

@Marblessolveeverything "Because I don't like the sensation on my legs or underarm. Because I feel less sweaty without it. It really isn't rocket science."

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You must have really really sweaty legs if that's why you need to shave them.

I have heard some bullshit in my days, but this really takes the biscuit.

"Shrödingers boss. "

So true!!

Thank you for a sensible, thoughtful response.

Hair removal is entirely about infantalising the bodies of women. Grooming retailers could find lots more to peddle if we kept the hair - special bush shampoos and combs and accessories, and separate conditioners for each body area's hair. So it's not consumerism driving it. It's men's sexual desires driving consumerism.

I must admit I participate enthusiastically in this patriarchal subjugation - or at least used to - less so now I am single and old, but have become so used to shaving, plucking and waxing that I do keep doing it.

But I am somewhat freaked out by the fact that it is all about making women look pre pubescent. Given the prevalence of child abuse, I do wonder how many men have a latent potential for it. Fancying 18 year olds is socially acceptable so most draw the line at that, but if the Guardian and others have their way and child/ adult sexual relationships become socially acceptable I expect many more men would pursue them.

I read this in Woman magazine last week. But it was originally in the DM

Very worrying that this guy is likely on the dating scene

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-13268623/hell-married-sex-addict-passionate-relationship-shattering-story.html

Wow, did you mean to be so fucking rude?

The sweat comment refers to underarm and bikini. The sensation of hair on my legs is my sensory issues but you know ableist comments like yours are so fucking annoying.

Can in suggest you go educate yourself on sensory processing before you laugh at others.

Strangely the men in my life haven't laughed at me but a woman on this board has. What does that tell you about so called feminism.

I have read that the start of the huge amount of women completely removing all of their pubic hair stems from the porn industry. In porn films hair was removed from vaginas so that men could see better in close ups. Men watching porn came to like this and request it of partners. Slowly the idea spread to be attractive you need to remove your pubic hair.

But your comment about it not being rocket science, then a long line of laughing emojis, which was in reply to me I think, wasn't rude? 🤔