Unacceptable things that men do in relationships

[Superlambaanana]

...which women put up with but shouldn't.

I'd like to create a list of stuff women do for men and put up with from men because society has programmed us to - and which we often don't even recognise as unacceptable.

I'll start.

Expecting their wife/ girlfriend to be dressed up for them all the time while they make far less effort in return.

Huffing like a child if they don't get what they want/ have to do a domestic task they don't want to do (but expect their wife/ girlfriend to do anything and everything without complaint).

Women brushing stuff under the carpet to protect his ego. e.g. pretending something is fine because he bought it when in actual fact it's horrible/ doesn't work/ was a total waste of money.

Women doing days or weeks of exhausting prep for family events like Christmas and barbecues, only for men to do the last but of cooking and claim all the glory.

This is an extremely depressing and sadly not uncommon situation. What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is mine, forever ‘indebted’.

It’s all about him isn’t it. Does he DARVO a lot?I’m not surprised your anxiety is through the roof with all that’s going on. What kind of support do you have around you?

*VictorianBigot *Thank you for responding. I have looked up DARVO and yes, it happens every time I try and raise something with him.

I don't have any outside support, only my Dad and he has enough on his plate. My oldest and closest friend died two years ago.

Are you able to afford some counselling to help you manage in the short term? A safe outlet?

@CoddiwomplingThroughLife I am so sorry you are experiencing this especially when your mum is so unwell at the same time.

Your stress levels are probably through the roof so my advice would be to not make any long term decisions in the short term. Unless you feel unsafe, in which case get out immediately.

If you are safe, then take some time to deal with your mum's situation and when you can, plan an exit strategy.

You may or may not decide to use it, but planning an exit strategy will empower you. Work out where you would go - or how you would get him to leave. Work out how you would tell and deal with DC, your finances and support network. Right down to how you would travel to work from a new location etc etc. Only when you truly have an alternative option can you properly weigh up whether you want to stay in your relationship and work on it or leave.

I wish you well. I was in a very similar situation myself and ending the relationship seemed like the most difficult thing in the world until I had my exit strategy. It was still hard but I am thriving now I am free. Alternatively, if you want to work on the relationship, at least you will know you're there because you want to be, not because you have to be.

Get through this tough period with your mum first. Then get your ducks in a row to leave him. I had to do the same when my mother was dying. I was ready to go, but had to put my planned move on hold to deal with that first.
Sadly, it doesn't get better with men like this. He's clearly manipulative, controlling and won't take responsibility for the things he does wrong, so he turns it around on you. They don't change, except to get even worse.
Sorry you're going through all this and sorry about your mum. It's hard. 🩷

*VictorianBigot *unfortunately, I can't afford counselling. I am not working at the moment. I am on a course that I wanted to do and then I will be actively looking for work.

*Superlambaanana *thankyou, sorry for derailing your thread.

I am safe, he is still acting 'off' with me. I always blame myself for causing the arguments. If I hadn't said anything then everything would be fine.

*XChrome *thankyou sorry you had to go through this too.

I have been with him for 35 years, the only long-term relationship I have had. He was lovely for the first few years. Things changed when I was pregnant with our second child. We had fertility issues and I suffered miscarriages so the baby was definitely wanted so I couldn't understand why he changed. He can be really lovely and kind until I 'rock the boat'.

@CoddiwomplingThroughLife don't worry about derailing the thread - it was derailed from the start with nonsense like 'I don't recognise any unacceptable behaviour attributed to men'! Your situation is far more important to talk about.

If you feel you are walking on eggshells and having to manage his mood for him, then you are in a toxic relationship with someone whose behaviour is unacceptable. The only question is what are you going to do about it.

It may be fixable, but my experience is that behaviours built up over years are really hard to unpack never mind change. It's all 'he said, she said' and rabbit holes with examples which end up getting picked over defensively with everyone ending up feeling at fault and resentful when the bottom line is that the relationship ceased working years ago and has little chance of being reset.

There may well be a better life out there for you. But finances, childcare and emotional dependence can be really hard to untangle and women can suffer terribly in the aftermath of a breakup especially if he holds the financial power.

If you stopped walking on eggshells and gave him an ultimatum- "start acting like a decent partner or I will leave" how do you think he would react? Could it jolt him into positive action or do you think he would turn nastier?

Thank you, this has been really helpful to me. It has given me a place to vent and release some tension.

I don't think giving him an ultimatum would jolt him as he thinks he has done nothing wrong. He has said before, that if I am not happy then I can leave.

When I have got chance to catch my breath, I will plan an exit strategy. As you said before, this will help me find strength.

For now, I will concentrate on my DC's and my parents, to navigate the next few days/ weeks.

A friend of mine, her husband basically didn't take part in family life when the kids were younger.
He worked, cycled, went on hiking and cycling holidays and had zero input into raising the children.
She's intelligent and Cambridge educated but thinks this is normal.
Now their kids are older he takes them hiking and cycling.
I think she's a mug who lets him get away with it but it's her marriage.

Well I can see why you might think she's a mug, but if her kids are well rounded and she maintained a happy, long term relationship, perhaps she considers that it was all worth it.

I do wish women were better empowered to say "no, that's not acceptable, you can't just do what you want and head off cycling. You must pull your weight at home and with the kids" and not be met with societal derision or their DH calling them nags.

Perving on other women, liking pics, following thirsty accounts.. no ladies it's not okay. I will never put up with it.

Perhaps I'll regret asking, but what are thirsty accounts?

@Superlambaanana Either women with onlyfans, Instagram models, or just regular young women posting pictures of themselves looking sexy or barely clothed etc
Think thirsty means they want likes.

List all the things theyve done around the house in order that you may applaud them whilst your own efforts are taken for granted/ignored.

@Disturbia81 ah I see.