Ways that men "check out " of family life

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Inspired by another thread where its apparently unreasonable to expect someone to stay and help on Xmas day and wanting them to do so is controlling, it got me thinking of all the ways in which partners , very often male partners, check out of family life

We see many threads on this also

We have- hobbies. The ones that seemingly involve alot of time and/or expense. Often involve smoking or drinking or getting dirty and smelly so inevitably upon return showers etc are needed before they can hug or pick.up.a child.

Luxury poos. Never is it ok to wait for u. You must wait for them by any means necessary. Strange how even bodily functions can be used to assert dominance or unavailability.

The " I've been at work all day" excuse. We all know the house cleans itself. The dinner miraculously appears in the slow cooker and the kids can walk several miles to school by themselves even in reception.

The " we can't afford the time.off work " excuse. Usually followed by a day off fir them to do their hobby.

The " you have the car" clause. Because buses don't exist.. nor do trains . I mean how did i manage before I got the car?

The falling asleep on the sofa method. This is a particularly frustrating one because fir some they honestly believe their presence in the house is enough to be considered to be contributing.

And last but not least the " I don't know where anything goes/how to get there/ I don't know anyone / the kids prefer u to do it" method used to excuse no one putting washing away or getting home work.done while you are working.

Feel free to add any more

One of the few things I managed to do right was to make sure that my dc's childcare (which I researched and arranged, but then - on maternity leave and I wanted it to be right) - was always on dh's route to work, and I work in the opposite direction so could never take them. This has saved a lot of morning stress for me for the past decade.

I agree that it can be a dynamic that emerges if you're not wise to it from the outset. I've read mumsnet since my early 20s, and I really think that it helped me see things more clearly, so that by the time I got married and had children, I knew what my boundaries were and made sure that I was clear.

My mum does everything for my dad, and my in laws are the same. I did not want that for myself and my husband agrees that he is not a child and therefore does not need me to mother him.

Gardening. It's the new hobby / passion and you can't complain because it's to do with the house and it's for all our benefit.

Not signing up for school emails really pisses me off. DD is in yr 8 and he still hasn't signed up. He's quite happy being clueless. Thought to be frank, he never acted on any of the primary school ones either.

RiverSkater surely the children can just be in the garden with him while he gardens, and he can look after then and let them help?

Never been more pleased to be a lesbian.

a lot of women think their working day ends when they go to sleep

No it doesn't. Women remain on call all night every night.

It’s not about ‘wifework’ or doing things for an adult partner. It’s about sharing parenting and work relating to DCs and associated domestic work.

Mainly, fathers in heterosexual relationships not doing a fair share.

I was feeling really sad being single at
Christmas and this has just cheered me
Right up

@Whatwouldscullydo

My ex never sorted out anything for his side of the family. I was the one who bought wrote out and sent the cards vouchers etc he wouldn't even sign the damn cards.

It was a cause of many arguments where he'd tell.me hpw much he hated his family and he didn't want to send them anything but then he'd go round his mums and of course then I'd look like the bad guy cos he was making the effort and I wasn't.

But why did you do this?

His family- his problem. Why take this on board?

"It's just socialisation" really isn't the answer. You (general you) don't expect your husbands or partners to buy presents for your family so why on earth do you take on the burden of his family?

My son mentioned to me recently that he'd never seen me ironing a shirt. That's true. In over 30 years I have ironed one shirt for my husband- there was a very particular reason which is why I remember it. I didn't either our son's school shirts either. We either used cleaners/ ironing service or if they weren't available my husband ironed his own and our son's.

I think the take home point is don’t marry a nobhead.

@inmyslippers

I was feeling really sad being single at Christmas and this has just cheered me Right up

Yep and me!

Ooohh, mee too inmyslippers, so much time wasted being sad about never having been in a relationship and this what’s on the other side?!?

@RedBeetroot12

Hmm I have the toilet situation. I don’t understand how to manage it with my partner. It causes conflict between us and I don’t want to be rude or a nag to him but I honestly don’t get why it takes 30 minutes or more to do the business. Surely if you need to go, it’s not something that takes that long? The phone is also brought in which makes me uneasy and paranoid, what on Earth is he doing in there, it feels like such a sneaky tactic !

He is watching porn and jerking off on the toilet. This would be a deal-breaker for me. It is rude, inconsiderate, disgusting and degrading. Not the kind of behavior you'd like to see from someone who claims to love you.

@Whatwouldscullydo

I'm sure schools would also have something to say if kids showed up with no lunch , dirty clothes etc

" oh I was engaging in a game of chicken with my dh, I didn't give in , go me" won't cut it

This with bells on. There are real consequences for not giving into the pressure wear yourself out trying to do everything. In the worst case scenario you could even end up in jail for child neglect. This wouldn't be a first.

The only thing you can do about a lazy partner it to get rid of him. Some women can't do that since they are one way or another depend on their partner for their very survival. Some financially, some through illness and some because he will kill her if she leaves.
"Standing up for yourself" won't work in any of these situations.

He is watching porn and jerking off on the toilet. This would be a deal-breaker for me. It is rude, inconsiderate, disgusting and degrading. Not the kind of behavior you'd like to see from someone who claims to love you

Jumping to conclusions a bit there. That wouldn’t take 30 mins either.

Sitting with a book or a phone is fairly normal. Sometimes I take longer than needed because I fall down a youtube hole or get to a good bit of a book.

Writing this I’m wondering if the male ability to spend ours on the toilet isn’t solely a fuck off and leave you to it thing. My dd’s also take hours, and I remember the comfort of a half hour sit with a book as a child/teen/young adult. Now I’m middle aged and inactive I simply don’t eat the quantity they do, so don’t expel as much waste 😂. So my time on the loo is significantly reduced.

My dh has IBD so can spend long periods several times a day on the loo. He takes his phone/book but I am 100% sure he isn’t doing anything sexual in there.

Hmmm my DH does 60 percent of the domestic practical stuff (he shops, cooks and meal plans, tidies kitchen, I do laundry/tidy house, cleaner does the rest) and maybe, 0-5% of the mental load / admin (I do family diary, date nights, appointments, childcare admin, school admin, plan and book holidays, bills, finances, car service, Xmas and birthday gifts etc etc). On top of my job. His job is one that in theory is 9-5 but he makes it last longer through poor time mgmt, among other factors.

I believe that circumstances play a big part. I have 3x the career and earning power than him, so I get to do 50-70 percent of the gruntwork rather than 95-100 percent. Yay. And he thinks he is a hero rather than this being the normal teamwork of adult life. It is better now than the early years though where I only out earned him 1-2x, and he moaned about domestic chores all the time. Male socialisation has a lot to answer for.

@Drunkpanda

One of the few things I managed to do right was to make sure that my dc's childcare (which I researched and arranged, but then - on maternity leave and I wanted it to be right) - was always on dh's route to work, and I work in the opposite direction so could never take them. This has saved a lot of morning stress for me for the past decade.

Very smart

One example that really pisses me off is the forgetting. For example say his sister comes and stays in our guest room. Maybe I'm around, maybe not. Fine, whatever. But I know that if I don't remind him to change the sheets or change them myself, that next guest (eg our Friday grandparent childcare, in covid times!) would be sleeping in dirty sheets. So I get super stressed if he arranges this stuff without telling me because I have to remember to change the sheets ( for example). When I had a bit of a go recently about this as another example of mental load he just did not understand, thought I was being crazy. When you are overwhelmed to the max already with work and family admin, having someone just not bother to remember or do basic things, is really awful.

Or the thing where you have 12 important things to do in a day before guests arrive or before you go away or whatever. And they start with the least important one and spend a gazillion hours on it, eg start rearranging the entire kitchen rather than gettign it tidied and moving to next job.

No sense of urgency or realistic sense of how long things take. Or is that just mine

I count myself as being fortunate that DH discovered MN years ago and I know he's a regular lurker as he often mentions threads he's read. It's had the benefit of also opening his eyes to the mental load and the importance of pulling his weight with the domestic side.

He's not perfect but neither am I. But I know that if the bin is full he'll empty it. If the milk is low he'll stick some on the shopping order. And if the wash load has finished he'll stick it in the dryer and then take it upstairs when it's done.

My 'D'H didn't want pasta for dinner this evening and was pissed off that after I took the kids out for 4 hours (so he had four hours alone) I didn't bring home bread so he hadn't had anything for lunch. He huffed and puffed and has been out since 6pm (he's just got back in) having driven around and had dinner in a restaurant about 40 minutes away.

He's just walked in to the kids asleep and the apartment cleaned.

And if I'm completely honest I cannot wait to be financially free of him. I'm working on it.

Frazzled you've reminded me of a time we had my (perfectly nice) PIL to stay Fri-Sun so they could attend an event another family member had invited them to on Sat pm. DH then agreed casually that they could stay over till Monday, giving no thought to the fact that we had no extra food for Sunday night, both had to leave for work/childcare at 7am on Monday and that the weekly cleaners would arrive while PIL were still there. Argh! I mean it was easy enough to sort but just added extra stress to what would have otherwise been a nice enough visit.

Oh I can hear him huffing and puffing again, I must have forgotten to do something. Poor chap.

Oh ca

They really dont know they are born do they