Ways that men "check out " of family life

[Whatwouldscullydo]

Inspired by another thread where its apparently unreasonable to expect someone to stay and help on Xmas day and wanting them to do so is controlling, it got me thinking of all the ways in which partners , very often male partners, check out of family life

We see many threads on this also

We have- hobbies. The ones that seemingly involve alot of time and/or expense. Often involve smoking or drinking or getting dirty and smelly so inevitably upon return showers etc are needed before they can hug or pick.up.a child.

Luxury poos. Never is it ok to wait for u. You must wait for them by any means necessary. Strange how even bodily functions can be used to assert dominance or unavailability.

The " I've been at work all day" excuse. We all know the house cleans itself. The dinner miraculously appears in the slow cooker and the kids can walk several miles to school by themselves even in reception.

The " we can't afford the time.off work " excuse. Usually followed by a day off fir them to do their hobby.

The " you have the car" clause. Because buses don't exist.. nor do trains . I mean how did i manage before I got the car?

The falling asleep on the sofa method. This is a particularly frustrating one because fir some they honestly believe their presence in the house is enough to be considered to be contributing.

And last but not least the " I don't know where anything goes/how to get there/ I don't know anyone / the kids prefer u to do it" method used to excuse no one putting washing away or getting home work.done while you are working.

Feel free to add any more

God yes.

I mean by the time u have text or written down details, times etc you may as well have just done it yourself.

And there's always a "cost " because they took the kids to gymnastics they didnt have time to repair the shower or whatever else it is you asked them.to do when they git a minute whilst u were busy with the kids

But that’s what they rely on! It is like kids really isn’t it - it’s easier to do for than get them to do but only in the short term.

Do you think they all have parents that did everything for them?

I’m just going to say again they do NOT all behave like this. There are some you can rely on to be adults.

Oh another one... getting ready to go out. If I go out, I'm always rushing round while getting ready. Making sure there's clean PJ's for kids...they've had dinner, dishwasher is loaded, kitchen isn't a tip. Dh gets ready at his leisure. After his long shower, he paces around the bedroom in his towel for ages...god knows why?! He actually spends longer than me getting ready despite the fact I have more to do like do my hair and put on make up. He's bald and just has to put his clothes on...no idea why it takes so bloody long.

I used to get the " ill get ready when you are done as you will all be in the way"

So I got the 3 of us ready.

Then we'd be waiting so long fir him he keededa luxury poo too, yet if I sent the kids to the toilet after he finished ( as we'd waited so long ) he'd have a go saykh I always make us late

Im.never late btw

@RJnomore1

I know the thread you’re talking about.

I agree with your comments by and large btw but I do think that in many cases women are creating and facilitating these situations.

I wouldn’t put up with any of that shit you describe for two seconds. What I do have though is a relationship with an adult where if he agreed to go do something for 90 minutes and be back at x time I could trust him to do that. I could trust him to pitch in and do his share of the work the rest of the day. I could trust him to parent his own children while I did what I needed to. I could trust him not to disappear for half hour for a poo, to shower in a decent amount of time, not to do a crap job or make my life awkward.

So while it’s a man issue, and I realise I’ll get roasted for saying this on feminist chat 😬 we need to raise the bar in what we do. Why facilitate this shite. Why tolerate a relationship which doesn’t have the very basics I spell out above. Why live with someone you can’t trust to balance his and your life and where his actual bodily functions are an issue.

I’d rather be alone.

I agree. There's a huge element of making a rod for your own back.

All the above are reasons why I’ll continue being single - probably forever.

I have 3DC and any partner would be their step Dad so the dynamics for that can be very strange and difficult. No ta. Had enough shit from their actual Dad checking out.

Can I add the totally non-essential jobs they find to do which conveniently take them out of the house
e.g.
vacuuming the car
cleaning the car
leaf blowing the terrace
tinkering in the garage with god knows what

(rather than everyday domestic chores like cleaning, sorting laundry, stripping beds/ changing towels etc)

These jobs invariably start about 11.30 am so when the kids are circling at noon asking about lunch he's conveniently unavailable. If asked, says, "well I can do it about 1.30, but I'm buuuuusy right now..."
But strangely can manage to 'stop at a convenient point' if hot food is suddenly available at 12.30

I do think that in many cases women are creating and facilitating these situations.

I really don't 'get' how women are creating these situations. If men just stepped up in the first place there wouldn't be a problem!

Jesus, they’re a dreary bunch of bastards.

And now it’s women’s responsibility for “creating and facilitating” it? These men need to take the responsibility themselves.

This is why mn keeps me sane. I'm about to end things with dp and sleeping in the day is within the top 5 reasons why. Because next time he does it I will smash his face in so they can't happen.

It’s all very well to say you won’t accept it. But when that choice impacts on DC (no presents, regular unbalanced and unhealthy meals, missing clubs or social events) I think it’s basically tails he wins, heads you lose.

I suspect that’s why so many marriages end when DC move out - the mum sees no reason to put up with the crap any longer, she was only doing it to prevent the DC spending EOW (or whatever) with a DF who’s wouldn’t exactly neglect them, but who wouldn’t give them the care, attention and support that she would. That’s not to say you have to have the same parenting style, but you do need to agree on the basic minimum and if you don’t agree on that, it’s very hard to split knowing your DC will get less than your basic minimum EOW.

As it happens, DH is great and we do have a balance that suits both of us. But it has taken work and difficult conversations over the years.

@Slowchimes I’ve read many threads on here where women are so busy being primary parent and the only person who CAN do for their child there is no space for anyone else even the father to step up.

It’s definitely not always the case but it happens frequently on here and it’s encouraged by other posters. It was that I was referring to. Step back and create space to step up; if it doesn’t happen you have a problem.

I think, looking back, a lot of issue start when mums go on maternity leave . There is a big pressure that becuase “you are not working” and family finances are mainly male partners once full maternity pay stops, that you can feel a bit guilty about “just” looking after the baby. You feel you have to justify your time by taking on all the household tasks etc. for a lot of mums (especially first time mums) we struggle with guilt in saying to father that they need to do 50% of nights- or we just stay doing most of nights after breastfeeding has stopped.
The male partner actually never has it so good- generally their workload outside work reduces.
And then it never goes back to how it was nice maternity leave finishes. Unless you’re really really clear during maternity that this is a temporary “favour” for him and not a default.
I think by second child a lot of women realise how naive they were first time round…but it is too late

And yes, one of the ongoing conversations has been about day sleeping!

@Slowchimes

I do think that in many cases women are creating and facilitating these situations.

I really don't 'get' how women are creating these situations. If men just stepped up in the first place there wouldn't be a problem!

I think it's whenever a woman just tolerates it and does what needs doing.

Let's say the washing up needs doing.
Using a stereotype man will happily leave it, play games, go fishing etc. But stereotype of woman won't be able to stand the mess and will clean it.

If you extrapolate that, eventually you'll get millions of women doing what needs doing because they know if they don't it, it just won't get done. Personally, I'd not tolerate.livong that way and a lazy.partner wouldn't be a partner.very long... Other people though?

Actually this thread has got me today. Dh has invited guests over for lunch. The House is a tip and I've got loads of cooking to do. Is He helping? Is he fuck! He's watched the news for a bit...he's now had a long shower so the bathroom is dripping wet and I have to clean it so it's ready for guests to use. Ffs

@Warblerinwinter that’s a fair point and perhaps back to female self esteem again. We don’t need to justify ourselves for existing really. In a dream world it might start to balance out with shared parental leave but that’s generations of culture change I think.

Yes to all of these - although DH is not guilty of all of them.

Dog needs walking & that counts as helping out even though I never wanted a dog.

Refusing to use a mobile phone or online banking thus creating more work for me. DH even used to teach & work in same school as our kids but I was always the one who had to sign trip letters & remember to send things in.

Saying he's not bothered about having clean house or bedding - so doesn't want to help out.

Not being organised enough to remember family birthdays etc on his side & so it becomes my job.

Not checking ClassCharts for kids homework & timetable to check they're ready for next day. Huffs & puffs when asked to look.

@Comedycook no you don’t! You feel you have to because you think if it’s a mess the guests will think less of YOU because you’re a woman is my guess.

I have more. My ex would regular text me to say he's arrived home and there's no milk - driven home alone - and expect me with 2 toddlers in the car to get it. Twat. His response would be 'but I've just sat down (to play on his iPad).

Maternity leave was where it started here because before then we didn't function as a household or couple really. For example, I did my washing, he did his. Now I have to do a load a day, he won't help and refuses to pick up his clothes so at some in point in the week he expects to disrupt the washing process to fit in his clothes. This infuriates me as it's a symbol of his lack of integration in family life.

Strikes don't work either. I tried it for 2 weeks and all the happened was that the DC went to school with dirty clothes, DH just ordered deliveroo meals instead of cooking so everyone just got ill from unhealthy meals, but he considered that sufficient and evidence that I shouldn't complain.

whatwouldscullydo

I mean who among us hasn't gone to town/shops and bumped into a family member who proceeds to say how wonderful it is that then dad is home taking care of the kids. Single mothers r the scum.of the earth with their benefits and council houses but by God a man is a Saint If he's a single dad.

Agree with this. Single Mums get a hard time. The poor woman who lost the twins in the fire left them home alone - yes it was wrong - but the Dad left her alone & she was expected to cope. She has made a huge mistake & the Dad is devastated. But where was he 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH used to take kids to mass as babies & was considered to be wonderful. He was only out the house 90 mins. I'd have them all Saturday afternoon while he went to watch footie for maybe 6 hours. I can't recall anyone saying I was wonderful for doing this!

Business trips (or indeed any trips away) are a prime example.
Men: Pack suitcase, bugger off
Women: Start a few days before anticipated departure date, making sure kids have plenty of clean clothes; activities planned and paid for; upcoming school stuff like non-uniform days are dealt with; meals cooked and put in freezer; list of what needs to happen when written out and pinned in obvious place. Then pack suitcase and bugger off, desperate for a rest on the plane

Re single Mums -

When I went to Uni, DC obviously had to go in wrap around care.

Ex was furious. Told me I was a shit Mum.

I said “Oh great, if you’re so angry about it, you can leave work at 2:30pm to collect them at 3pm, and have them till I get home. It’ll save me a tonne of money, thanks.”

Obviously he didn’t