desperately depressed

[lelarose]

21 weeks pregnant with first child, horribly depressed, chronic insomnia and full of fear. Partner away a lot, whenever we do spend time together I don't sleep and cry all the time and it all puts tremendous strain on our relationship (have considered splitting up even though I adore him). Can't enjoy pregnancy or even look forward to birth now. Even stupid things like choosing names now stress me out I'm so far gone.

Wanted to have a baby my whole life, feel now as if I must have made a huge mistake as will be a terrible mother as I'm too tired and unhappy to cope. Will have no support from family etc and be left alone a lot after baby is born. Been referred to psychiatrist, I keep the appointments but she doesn't help at all.

Dont know why I post on here as don't get many replies, I guess its just a relief to admit to strangers how I feel as only people Ive admitted this to in real life have no idea what to say or do so tend to just stay away.

Never felt so low in all my life. I try to bond with my unborn child but don't even know how to. All I do is feel guilty as I can't believe me being like this isn't affecting them already.

Thank you bith.
poppymouse the fear and the guilt just go round and round my head constantly. I didnt want to find out my babys sex for such a horrible negative reason and I feel sick that I did. My partner doesn't want to because to him either will be a lovely surpise, why could I have not just felt like that? I dont want to deny him that moment in the delivery room or to let him know all my horrible feelings as I feel as if I've made this whole experience difficult enough for him already.

I am going to try and do as much as I possibly can to deal with this before the birth I'm just so so scared.

I just want to say how much all these posts are helping me. I really though that if I was honest about my feelings I would get a load of abuse and I really cant believe so many strangers are taking the time and effort to share their experiences and be supportive.

I'm really struggling with this and dont know how I'll get through it but thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one who has ever felt this bad in pregnancy.

Hi Lelarose, time changes your perspective on things. I often look back and realise that and it's something I teach my son - what appears insurmountable now isn't necessarily so in the future. A big thing when I was giving birth was oh, poor you, you had a ceasarian. You missed out on a wonderful experience - blah, blah, blah. So many said it. One midwife - not one that had been involved in the birth of my son - spent 15 minutes talking to me about how I should insist the next one is delivered naturally as I've missed out on the most wonderful experience etc. Looking back the birth didn't actually matter. When you have that baby it doesn't matter how it gets here. What matters is he arrived healthy (although it was touch and go for a while). What I'm trying to say is 12 years on the birth experience didn't matter one jot although so many tried to convince me it did. Life moves on and your thoughts on different situations do too - and actually the way things turn out sometimes are for the better. You sometimes look back and think, actually I wanted that at the time but didn't get it and now I'm actually glad I didn't. For example, I never imagined myself with one child but now for so many reasons I'm glad it is just one. I would have loved two but didn't get it. I thought that would be a cause of depression in future years, particularly approaching menopause, but it hasn't been. Time changes the perspective of things.

I think you're a strong and good person and can't help the way you're thinking right now. It's out of your hands, your thoughts. They're not your fault. You need to recognise that. That's what depression is. Please ask for some help regarding this. I truly think once that is sorted out you'll be able to rationalise things a lot better. Could you speak to your GP and just say is there anything you can get to lift your mood, help you sleep? I'm sure in a couple of weeks you'd be able to see things a little more clearly. Please, before things spiral out of control.

No one on here has condemned you. I'm sure if you told your sister she could keep this a secret but be able to help you rationalise it. Or what about your partner's mother. You say he's close to her. Could she be that help to you without him knowing? You've reached out to us, please do it to someone in real life.

Hi Lelarose, just wanted to see how you were doing. Can I say that you sound like such an amazing, thoughtful woman. Your DP sounds wonderful - and I am sure he wouldn't be with someone who is equally wonderful.

I hope your day has been a little better.

Thinking of you.

Hi lela, you are sounding a lot better today I think. I know it will be up and down, but it seems like you are getting some perspective on this?

Can I ask you a question? Why don't you think that you can confide in your partner? I mean, how you feel is horrible, but it is a manifestation of how you are feeling. I am not for one minute saying that how you are feeling isn't real and intense, I am saying that your partner will recognise that you are not well, and this is how it is coming out.

Giving birth is intense and amazing, and I just want for you to have a really positive birth. I am not sure you could with this hanging over you. I know it sounds trite- but wouldn't you feel better sharing this with your DP and talking it through with him.

In a way, him knowing what was going on could help him too.

Having a wee boy is a wonderful thing by the way. You will find that out too.

I think you are doing really really wellx

Lela, the moment your dp will get in the delivery room is seeing his baby for the first time. Before the birth you think that so much matters - even if you're not depressed or unwell, you fixate on making something perfect, and then lo and behold, the baby is there, and everything else just doesn't matter. And you'll be doing that for him - it doesn't matter, in the end, when you know the sex. It doesn't, and even if he gets in a wee huff that you did find out, he sounds like the kind of man who will realise he's being daft.

Things came to head for me last night and I ended up in hospital. They kept me in for several hours then let me go as I told them I wasnt going to kill myself and they got my sister to take me home and make sure I took temazipan. They just told me to keep seeing the psychiatrist, who just tells me to keep taking drugs, and so the cycle continues and I'm going further and further down this black hole. I'm now sitting here in a filthy house (usually pretty houseproud) unwashed, not dressed. I cant even get to the shops as I can bear people to even look at me and I especially hate the sunny weather right now.

I know people will be reading this thinking surely it cant be this bad surely you can get more help and its gone too far to be posting on here still but I've reached a dead end for now. Am going to see another counseller but no appointment yet.

Thanks for your messages. Just to explain some of the things asked. I have told my sister about exactly how I feel and she has been incredibly supportive but I also feel guilty about that as I am now so unwell it is becoming a huge burden on her and will be affecting her health now as well. I have no other family. I have been seeing a psychiatrist and a mental health nurse, who I did try to talk over the whole gender thing with before I made the terrible decision to find out by myself but neither of them would engage with me about it, they simply changed the subject.

My partner has been adamant for the start that he does not want to know the babys sex until they are born. He says its the BEST surprise you can have in life so why should I take that away from him because i am so messed up? He always wanted a boy, so what do I tell him "oh you know how I was in a terrible state a couple of months ago in case the baby wasnt healthy? Well, now I'm even worse because its male as I'm actually sicker than you ever realised and I went behind your back to find out and have even told other people before you even got to know?" So its a horrible secret I have to carry, how I feel, I couldn't even answer the phone when he was calling me repeatedly last night. I miss him terribly but dont even know if I can face him when he comes home.

Finding out for myself is the worst part of this. I would give ANYTHING to turn the clock back on that decision if there was even the remotest chance that it would have meant I didnt feel as bad as this, which I didn't before I found out. I think I could have made it through the rest of my pregnancy not knowing and once the wee one was here it maybe wouldnt have mattered. Now I just feel black about everything and full of self hatred.

So I have taken all the advice and been for professional help at every level now. Bottom line is unless I say I'm going to harm myself or the baby they send me home to cope alone and this is what I have to do now. What is the alternative? I know a lot about mental health services and we just dont live in that kind of a world.

annielouise what you say about perspective changing is something I try and cling to. Thanks x

Sorry for length of post, realise this is just getting ridiculous now. Just in some ways better than having these things just going round and round and round my head.

Lelarose, you've had a traumatic few days, it's understandable you're washed out and down. Can't they suggest anything other than temazipan? Isn't that like valium - just makes you drowsy? Have you asked for an SSRI anti-depressant? Not that I'm trying to get you onto anything but from what I'm reading your thoughts and feelings are out of your control. An SSRI helped me in the past - just a thought. You've pretty much hit rock bottom but there is only way from here and that's up.

Let go of those feelings of guilt. You've done nothing to be guilty about. Keep the secret of finding out your child's birth form your partner if that is what you see as being the best way but don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure in the future, in much happier times, you'll be able to explain to him you did find out. It won't seem important when your little boy is age 1, 2 or 3.

As one other person said, you've harmed no one. You've nothing to feel guilty about. The baby is fine. You just need to get into a better space mentally. The only way I was able to do that was a short spell on SSRIs. I kicked them after a few months. It enabled me for a short period to think more clearly and get things into perspective. Good luck and keep in touch.

Hi Lelarose,

You haven't done anything bad to feel terrible about. Of all the terrible things that happen and unkind things that people do, finding out your baby is a boy so that you could prepare yourself to be happy to meet him and so that your partner would see you being happy to meet your little boy when he comes is really not a terrible thing to have done, it was done out of love and kindness. It hasn't worked out like you hoped it would but it is only you that is judging.

Sorry things seem to have got worse again. I haven't experienced anything like what you are going through so I'm not sure what to suggest, glad you're still keeping appointments and that you are speaking to your sister.

Try to be as kind and thoughtful to yourself as you are to the people around you.

Lelarose thinking of you - sorry you are struggling so badly. Don't have much to offer.

Your partner finds it so important to find out at birth but what you want and need matters too. And he thinks it's the most important thing because he does not yet have the perspective of having a baby, the reality of it. Many people get so overwhelmed at the birth that they forget to look what sex it is!

So by all means don't tell him but try to stop thinking that finding out the sex is the worst thing you could ever do to him because it isn't.

Hi Lela,

I am so sorry to hear that you had such a terrible night. I respect your wish not to tell your partner. I can't think that he would be upset with you given the state you are in. But it is up to you.

I am just [shocked] that both medical professionals you have spoken to wont engage with you regardig the baby thing. I mean this is the core isssue for you. I know you are not in a position to insist that they discuss this with you, but I would be inclined to go back to the GP and your MW and tell them that you need to talk to professionals who will address this. Could your MW be present at one of the sessions. Have you tried the PAL service at the hospital.

I think worrying about your sister is kind and thoughful and another exqample of what a good person you are, but I am sure she is glad that she can be there for you.

Keep on posting, we are all here to support you and help you anyway we can.

I will be very unmumsnetty and send you some

Thanks everyone I really cant believe you are still responding to me.

My best friend just came round and forced me into the shower, brought some food and tidied my house a bit so I am incredibly grateful for that. Still very very low and uncomfortable with myself though, and as soon as shes gone I've just crashed again wth all this guilt. I did do what I did with the best of intentions, I thought it would give me some kind of peace, but it really has been the final straw.

I've never experienced this level of depression before in my life and its really frightening me.

I just feel that all my dreams and imaginings of being a mother which I've held my entire life have been totally shattered- god forgive me for saying that. Am obviously trying to get therapy for this before the baby arrives, but its not easy. None of the people who were meant to call me back today have yet, despite the CPNs at the hospital last night sayin they would speak to the mental health nurse I've been seeing and tell her how bad I have got. Its not like they have the magic answers anway it just gives me a little bit of hope if I have someone else to speak to as I dont want to rely so heavily on my sister.

I'm coming round to the fact that keeping this from my partner may be even harder than telling him, but it could also be just another thing to feel guilty about so I dont know what to do there really.

The irony is i was trying to do something that I thought would maybe help prevent me suffering from post natal depression, but now I dont even know how to stagger through to the birth.

YOu build up the idea of a baby and then you have your birth and it it all vanishes "poof" when the baby comes. Honestly. It is all consuming now, but it wont matter a jot when you hold your baby in your arms.

Your friend sounds lovely, good to have those people in your life.

It is interseting to think you might be able to confide in your partner. I think this is a positive thing for sure. I can't see him being anything other than supportive of you. I mean none of what you are doing and feeling is with ill intent is it? You are really struggling, he will see that. Does he know you were in the hospital last night?

Have you tried speaking to The Samaritans yet? They are great.

I really hope you are right. I may be able to tell my dp about finding out the sex but it would kill him to know how i felt about it and I feel may be the final straw for us as its been such a pressurized time for us with how depressed I was before I did this.

I'm not going to tell him about hospital last night. He's away doing something very important for him workwise at the moment and I'm not messing it up for him with any more stress when he cant really help me anyway.

Dont want to come across as a martyr but would like to allow at least one of us to have some happiness right now if possible.

Well that is up to you, and I totally understand that you want to protect your DP, especially if he is away.

I just think that he must know that you are ill, and knowing the reason why might really help him make sense of all this IYSWIM?

He just called me, saying hows my sweetie and my wee bump and telling me he loves me. I had tears rolling down my face but pretended to be ok and said I'd just had a really boring quiet week.

I've let him down so badly. He's being so nice cos he thinks I've been getting better.

I did a lot today to try and help myself. I forced myself to get dressed, went and got a reiki treatment, made an appointment to see a counsellor and let the nurse arrange to come and see me tomorrow even tho I cant really stand her haha.

I guess if I'm not going to die I've got to find ways to live. I just cant seem to forgive myself for making things so much worse for myself when I wanted to get better so badly. I wanted the babys sex to be a surprise too, and nowI've wrecked things for both of us.

The pain comes on waves and they are so overwhelming.

Hey Lela,

Look, you are not letting anyone down. Not at all. Is the guilt of doing what you have done, or is it the guilt of keeping it from him? Is a bit of both?

Wait and see when he comes home and how you feel then? What does your sister think you should do?

I think you are amazing, what you have managed to get done today. How was the Reiki? Were you able to relax?

Try this- look in the mirror and say to yourself. "I am sorry. I forgive you". Say it in the morning. Also lay on the bed, rub your tummy and say, "I am sorry, I am doing the best I can" Lela, forgive yourself please. But say it out loud even if you don't mean it. Yet.

The nurse, is she the one who wouldn't engage with you about the reason for how you are feeling? Try again though, and if you can, ask her why she wont talk to you about it.

Booking an appointment for a new counsellor is pretty amazing. Well done.

Imagine the release of confiding in your DP, doesn't that seem like a good idea?

I hate to think you are on your own tonight. Can you ask someone to stay?

Sweetie, you haven't wrecked anything at all. You sound a little more positive, if still very down. And you're right you have to get through this so you can meet your baby and enjoy a lifetime of love and happiness with him (because that's what awaits you once you can get past this stage- a lifetime of looking at him in wonder, wondering how you could make someone so perfect and how you could love someone so much. It might not come at first, but it will. If it doesn't hit you right away the minute you see him, it will sneak up on you and swallow you, this love.)
You have to find a way to live, to get through this dark place so you can bask in love with your little boy.
You CAN DO IT. Little by little, baby steps. One day at a time. We're all willing you on each day and here to listen.
You are a wonderful person, look after yourself at every single step and gradually, slowly it will all fall into place. There is such happiness awaiting you if you can be kind and gentle and slow with yourself now.
Let go of the guilt if you can, think of it as a balloon, drifting away from you slowly. you've done nothing wrong, let it drift away.

xxxx

Hi lelarose

I've followed your thread over the past week and see your terrible desperation and the feeling that no one understands how you are feeling. I know that feeling and its true that nobody understands how you fell cos everyone is looking at your situation from a different view point. But to you its very very important, very very important indeed.

I think your feelings about wanting a girl are completely rational indeed and may I suggest that you write down exactly the thoughts and feelings you have about wanting a baby girl. I think this will help you understand that you are being rational and not as irrational as you think you are.

Let me know what you think.

Lela - at the very least, this is a time-limited problem, not something you have to endure forever - whether you tell dp or not, there will come a point reasonably soon where you both know you have a wee boy. So, however crushed you feel by it all just now, it will come to an end, whatever you do. You haven't "wrecked" anything, but I think until you have and hold your baby, you won't properly understand that all the rest is just the trimmings, and matter not a jot.

You have done nothing wwrong, nothing at all. You are entitled to know the sex of your baby, just as your dp is entitled not to know. You haven't let him down - you've tried to do something that you thought, with the best of intentions, would help.

exactly, habbibu and I would go so far as to say that, although you cannot see it now, the sex doesn't matter a jot either. I don't know what your issues are around the sex really, I don't know why you felt it would feel so wrong not to have a girl, but it will be irrelevant too. You will love this baby. You DO love this baby already. That's the important thing. Nothing is wrecked or cannot be sorted out, you must let go of this guilt. You've done nothing wrong.

Gosh you are all so kind and lovely.

thatsnotmymonkey its funny you should suggest that about saying stuff to myself out loud, because I've been saying sorry to me and the bump today and I'm going to do it more often like an affirmation.

scoobydoolady thanks, you are right it is rational enough to want a baby girl but really not rational at all to feel this horrified about having a boy instead. I'm going to try and figure this out with a counsellor hopefully before the baby comes.

This will sound insane but the only thing I can possibly compare it to is when someone who is transexual says they feel they were born into the wrong gendered body. I'm sorry I realise how disturbed this makes me sound and I am truly praying that this is some form of prenatal/hormonal psychosis talking. Its just how I feel and I'm very very sorry for it.

habbibu and pipoca what you say means the world to me its what I most want to believe.

Thank you all very very much for sticking with me xxx

I think the affirmation idea is a great one, and I'm a great believer in visualisation.
I think you need to be honest with the counsellor about your feelings about having a boy, I think you have to work through them or get some help with them. Is there anything specific about it you can think of that worries you, like the kind of realtionship you'd have with one sex or the other or just this feeling of wrongness? (which sounds to me like anxiety and depression run wild).
You should be proud of yourself for finding out the sex, it was you taking what you thought was a positive step, taking charge of things. It doesn't matter if you know and DP doesn't. None of it matters except that it's upsetting you. You have to find a way to forgive yourself, for feeling like this, for finding out the sex, for being a burden to others...forgive yourself these things and a lot of your worries disappear.

Lelarose, I just wanted to check in and see how your were. Sorry if I've been overloading you with 'advice' about the medication. I just wanted to tell you what helped me. Glad to see your posts and that you're still talking. Hope to see you get through this, which I'm sure you will. Everyone is telling you you've nothing to be guilty about, which is the truth. Your strength is amazing. Wish I had some more words to comfort you and hoping you are getting some comfort from everyone that is thinking about you and willing you through this. Hope you get some good sleep tonight. Just wanted to check in so you know we're still here.

I want to believe what you are all saying to me but I just cannot get past the idea that if I had not found out the sex of the baby I could have protected myself from feeling this bad. Or I could at least have had some proper therapy first to prepare me.

I just became obsessed with the fear of it and felt I should just know, but of course what you dont know cant hurt you.

It kills me to admit this but when i found out my legs shook so badly I nearly collapsed. Yes it is partly to do with feeling like I cant have the same relationship with a son as I can with a daughter, but also just this total feeling of wrongness, of things not "fitting", its just not right for me and I cant explain it.

I have written this down on a piece of paper to show to the nurse today as I'm too ashamed to say it out loud. I hope I can find the nerve to give it to her. She can think what she likes of me, I just cant go on like this. I've been awake since 4.30am. I read a bit of a book last night about prenatal depression which said feeling like this can affect the babys development and it just made me want to die.

No child deserves this. I was scared that if I waited to the birth to find out it was a boy I would hvae worse post natal depression but its a risk i would rather have taken than live with this now. The depression and anxiety were at a bearable level and i could get to work etc, now I'm just a wreck.

My sister had to take me to the shops last night and make me buy food as I really struggle to leave the house alone. I was watching her at one point and I could just see the stress I am causing her on her face, so I need to give her a break from this.

Good morning lela - I didn't want to leave your post unanswered this morning. Someone more qualified will be along in a while. I think the piece of paper for the nurse is a good idea. I wouldn't take too much notice of the book. IMO all pregnancy books in any form should be banned! All they serve to do is scare the shit out of us at an already vulnerable time.
Keep talking xx